--"I want my fiancee to be angry with his kids for hurting me. He is just sad about it"-- 24 yr old is a helpful sweetie, 19 yr old runs hot and cold, 22 wants nothing to do with you. 22 yr old helps himself to your hairdryer. Kids resist your attempts to clean out cupboards and such. Okay, except for acting like 2 old tomcats marking territory, I guess I've missed the parts of posting where the kids are 'hurting' you. I mean deliberately going out of their way to make your life miserable and kick your personal feelings all to heck. The part that might support dad being angry instead of just sad that it is taking time to adjust to new person living in their home and accepting changes to the living environment? There are two sides to every story and in trying to adjust and understand the two positions, one needs to be able to empathize as to what the other thinks and feels. Reverse the position...think how if these kids and dad moved into your house. They start sorting through your things, deciding what might stay or go to make room for their own things or how they want things to be in 'their new home'. It takes time, Sharon. Yeah, they are not 'kids' anymore but you just moved into their family home. They are resisting change by someone they see as 'the outsider'. Approach might be what needs adjusted. You can't force yourself or your desires on them ...well, you can, but they'll do this resisting/attitude thing (example: SS22). Lead by dad, you might try a good old fashion family meeting. Lay out the issues (don't forget they get to lay out their issues too) and seek compromise. If the family needs to downsize old possessions from cupboards and closets, is it pitched, sold, stored for later use? If an item is in personal area and someone wants to use/borrow, here are the rules/guidelines on doing so. Six people living in one household for time being and household has needs to run smoothly... so divide up assignments to household task and dad/you expect everyone to hold up their assignment. Harboring resentment and demanding anger is not a solution. If your feelings are hurt, talk about it and why, same as you have to listen to how they feel and why. Communicate with these kids, they don't sound all that bad. What would sound all that bad is dad and kids think you are the only one needing to compromise or that you need to totally accept the way it currently is or move out. If that's the case, then you have trouble and may need to rethink your relationship with FDH. None of my business, but I find myself wondering why you moved in so soon before things were ready in home (basement rooms, what stays in home or leaves to make room for your things ect) or prior to working a few issues out ...I will assume you visited this home many times before moving in, saw what little kids did for household chores, hoarded possessions, had bad attitudes ect. The biggest thing for you, is to be sure that dad backs you up and supports the changes you want made--are the changes you want the same as what FDH wants?. I hope you don't say dad 'left it all up to me to change house as I please and make houserules on my own'. FDH and you need to be in agreement in what you both want and you need to stand together in how the household is going to get there.

I wouldn't use the word "wrong", but I would call it perhaps short-sighted and lacking in awareness. You seem to have no idea HOW or WHY the problem between your children, your husband and yourself developed. Why is it that you don't have any insight into this? Have you ever tried counseling or even a good heart-to-heart with any of your kids? have you sat down and pondered what might be underlying their distance? (I'm not presuming you haven't, I am just asking.) The children you gave birth to are too important (and not just them themselves, but to YOU as their mother) to not probe this deeper. By insisting that you delve int the source of the problem, I am not necessarily assuming that your kids have a great reason for keeping their distance from you and your husband. Their reasons may range from completely valid to terribly selfish, or --if they're like most people--- some combination or somewhere in between. They would certainly not be the first children of divorce in blended families to have such mixed feelings, or to find it hard to connect with their role in the newly blended family. They also wouldn't be the first to have some unresolved anger, or an attitude about it, not necessarily because you or your husband have done anything so awful but simply because of the fact that their family is not what it once was. Often, unfortunately, this kind of deep-seated upset can manifest by the kids choosing ---consciously or unconsciously--- to keep their distance, knowing no other way to effectively deal with feelings they may not even fully recognize in themselves. You are asking for a reasonable amount of consideration from your kids, but I would ask on their behalf for a reasonable amount of consideration on your end as to what their underlying needs and feelings might be. I don't know your kids, but maybe you don't know them as well as you could, either. It's possible they truly are despicable oafs who are no longer worth your time or consideration. But wow, what a thing to say/feel about your own kids. Is that really how you want it? I doubt it, or you wouldn't be on here asking about it. I might also ask you at this point what sort of input your husband and stepchildren have on the matter of your kids. Do they encourage you to explore the issues or seek counseling or literature on the subject of blended families? Do they express any empathy for what it may feel like to have been in your kids' shoes, post-divorce? Are they welcoming when your kids are around? Basically: are they a force for trying to build bridges or do they encourage you to build walls? Again, I am not assuming they are or are not one way or the other... just that this can have a big impact on the cohesiveness of the blended family and either ease or exacerbate tensions and distance...

I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression. DH is great. He isn't turning a blind eye to SS's behavior. He realizes there's at minimum an "attitude problem" going on. SS's behavior got worse after his biomom left (again) last fall. She tends to come (after being gone for years at a time), promise to be a real mom, hang around just long enough to make SS think maybe she really will this time, and then disappear which is where I think the majority of SS's behavior is coming from, especially the unconscious behavior aimed at women. The physical incident between the 16 and SS happened after the 16 yo didn't shut the van right and in SS's mind if something wasn't perfect, I might leave just like his bio mom so all his anger at biomom came out backwards at the 16 yo. There's only been one physical incident but in a household with austistic spectrum kids, it just takes one incident and they think there's the pattern. I really don't want to make excuses for SS but I do understand why he's acting the way he is. I'm just not sure how to help him, try to keep things fair in the meantime, and not walk around being constantly ticked off at him. I"m thinking this is going to be my plan of action. Let me know what you think 1- SS starts seeing a counselor - as soon as one can be found- period - I"m not his biomom and shouldn't be punished for what she did. I would never ever treat him or anyone that way. and most siblings of children with disabilities have problems adjusting or relating to them, why wouldn't a teenager thrust into the situation, especially with not just one sibling but 3? 2 - Anytime SS doesn't do his 15 min daily chore he will not leave the room the chore was to be in (even if I have to sit on him and he misses his baseball game, pees his pants, or I'm late for work) until he does (making DH enforce the rules isn't adding much to my credibility with SS - It's almost like SS wants me to be the one to punish him) 3- If SS doesn't mow the yard properly with the riding lawn mower, he will use the push mower, even if I or DH have to follow behind him the entire time and make sure he does it all. 4 - the attitude will stop. If he can't see that we all have to work together, I just might try the strike thing and see how much he likes doing his own laundry, own dishes, making is own meals (probably just sandwiches since he can't cook and I"m not buying special groceries for him to eat alone and he wont' eat leftovers). Maybe then he might come to the conclusion, that even if he doesn't realize it, we all work together and people are doing things for him. 4 - the lying, "storytelling, "smart alec comments", whatever you want to call them - I'll just immediately call him on it. NO more games, no more him trying to outsmart me, no more trying to catch him in the lie, just quietly, and simply state "that's bs and you know it" and move on 5 - any attitude directed at the other kids will become immediate and lengthy family discussion and we all know how much teenagers love those, most likely followed by a grounding where he's required to be around the other kids and has to get along - no going to his room, no going to friends, etc (I'm in the office only 3 days a week so this should be able to be closely supervised). 6 - as for unfairness in material possessions, they'll each just have a dollar limit for school clothes, etc. IF SS wants to blow all his on one pair of shoes and one pair of shorts, so be it - he doesn't then get to complain that he has nothing to wear. 7 - as for the homework, DH and I discussed at the end of the school year, that we can check on the computer for finished homework - if the homework shows as not turned in on Friday (too bad if the teacher forgot to update it), the TV from his room is gone (no more cable, no more video games, etc) and he spends each night until bedtime at the dining room table doing homework and has to physically show us the homework (the exact missing assignment and any current assignments emailed to me from the teacher) is completed before being excused - if he says he forgot it at school the principal has kindly volunteered to go open up the school for him (the principal just doens't want it to become a daily thing, but I think we'll only have to call this bluff a couple times) - this one is going to take a lot of time, but again I don't think it'll be something that will always require as much time, just follow up, once he sees we mean it ok what does everyone think?

Of course it is a hostess' obligation to try to make her guests comfortable and tolerate any variations they cause to the normal day to day routine of the house. This should not be too onerous for the hostess - because it is also incumbent upon the houseguests to do their best to make sure that they are pleasant, as little trouble as possible, and hopefully even do small things to show their appreciation for the hostess, if they can. Where I used to live, when my brother would come to visit he'd sleep on my sleeper sofa in the living room. As hostess, and one who got up earlier than him, I'd try to keep quiet so that he could sleep. In such a small place generally that meant I'd have to leave and run errands! When I'd return from errands, as guest, my brother would have sleeper sofa made back up and his personal belongings reasonably tidied up. Having or being a houseguest can be a bit stressful but so long as both parties try to think of what they can do to make it easier for the other person generally all goes fairly well. But, the problem here is that it sounds like the adult skids are not doing their part to follow any etiquette, and if only one party is expected to behave well (DannieB, by being expected to be an accommodating hostess) without any reciprocal attempts by the skids to be good guests, it is natural that she'd begin to feel put-upon and used. She's the hostess - she's not a maid, and she's being taken advantage of (letting their dog on someone's furniture?! Really?!) What if you're at work, and periodically someone runs over to doughnut shop across the street to get breakfast? A colleague might ask if you'd mind getting them a doughnut too, and offers to pay you. You, of course, say yes to the request and no to the offer of payment - it's a doughnut, for heaven's sake! And normally one doesn't quibble over who owes pocket change to whom. Fine - but what happens when ten months later you realize that you are always buying doughnuts for this one person? That person has never reciprocated? Yes, it's just a doughnut - but ten months worth of daily doughnuts start to add up, and no one likes to feel used. Most people are going to not say anything, not cause a scene - but just start quietly slipping out for doughnuts so the colleague doesn't know beforehand, and thus can't ask for another freebie at someone else's expense. DannieB has been putting up with this for twenty years. Her husband won't say anything, the "kids" can't be bothered, she can't tell the kids to go stay at a hotel - there are only two options left for her (well, three if you count divorce and/or murdering the skids, but they're both a bit extreme, LOL!). One is to keep putting up with this, and I'm unaware of any rule of etiquette which says that anyone is obligated to repeatedly put themselves into a position in which they know that they will be taken advantage of, anymore than doughnut person is required to keep announcing intentions to get doughnuts and thus cornered by good manners into buying them, or two, to remove herself from this equation by going to a hotel herself.