Should photos of previous spouses be hid or thrown away?

17 years ago

I'm fixing up my craft room & I was going through all my past photos. They were laying out everywhere & my DH comes in & sees a wedding photo of me & ex. I have saved all photos from my past & just stuck them in boxes. So I have photos of me at 15 w/ 1st boyfriend onto when I was married & so forth. My DH looked at me & I could feel a weird vibe from him. He said, "I don't think it's appropriate for our boys to ever see a picture of you with another man". I look at the photos maybe once a year to remember my skinny years & how I looked in the military. Most of my photos are of me & my first husband when we were stationed in HI. Should I throw all photos out? Is it disrespectful to him? He left it up to me on what to do with them. I could care less if he had any photos of college with his X. (As long as they were ugly ones!!! JK both my DH & his X were/are attractive).

Featured Answer

imamommy

17 years ago

last modified: 10 years ago

Your past is YOUR past. I don't think anyone has the right to tell you to throw away your past memories, whether they are photos or gifts. My husband still has his wedding photos and rings from his first wife. He doesn't look at them but when he was moving, he showed me (because I had asked him what his ex looked like). I can see where an insecure spouse may feel threatened that their spouse may still carry a torch because they keep those things, but I don't think old photos are a threat to a marriage. If there are old feelings that threaten a new marriage, they are going to be there whether there are pictures around or not.

If I were you, I'd get a box (maybe with a lock on it) and tell my husband that they will be put where his son's won't see them. I don't think there's anything wrong with your son's seeing that, but maybe when they are older or grown. When they are at an age where they realize your life didn't begin when you had them. It would be a shame if they someday ask to see what your life was like before you had them and all you could do is tell them.

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Comments (34)

mistihayes
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
That's a good idea. It'll keep the boys from eating them too. As I lost 2 photos to their little drools. Thanks
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mom2emall
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
Me and my dh both have pics of us with our ex's. They are of course not on display, just in photo boxes in a closet. I too like to see my skinny days! I do not see anything wrong with having old pictures. I like IMA's idea of locking them away.
tracystoke
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
I havent saved any pictures of my ex.I would absolutly hate my partner keeping any of his ex.I just couldnt bare to see him happy with someone else.perhaps i am just insecure,but it would really bother me if i knew he had kept some.
organic_maria
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
I say keep them locked up for your eyes only. Nothign wrong in looking at the skinny you! lol..i do the same thing. And have pics of all my ex boyfriends. My husband did give me a wierd vibe and asked me why i kept the photos. I asked him why he kept all the girl photos he had. He said he doesn't like throwing away pretty things. Well, neither do i:)
Your stuff. Your eyes.
imamommy
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
After reading this post earlier today, DH and I were cleaning out the storage room. He found a box of old VHS tapes and was going to toss them. Most were movies he'd recorded from TV. But there were a few that I saw and said 'you sure you want to throw out this?'. It was a tape with SD's name on it. He said nope and looked at them one by one. He found five or six that were home videos. There was one marked "our baby".

Later on, I put it in the VCR & it was about ten minutes of a sonogram of SD. Well, the next part of the tape was a birthday party for DH (his 30th) several months later when SD was 3 mos old. It started out with BM standing by the door as DH walked in and everyone said 'surprise' and he kissed her. The rest was the party, cake, opening gifts, etc. I thought that it would bother me to see him together with her, but it didn't. Up until now, I haven't been able to imagine what he ever saw in her and then as I'm watching that tape, I realized that she wasn't the way she is now. By that, I mean that back then, she was .. I don't know what word... plain... motherly... well, she wasn't trying to be hott & sexy like she tries now. She didn't talk all loud and trying to be the center of attention like she does now. Now I can understand that he didn't go out with the nut she is today, she WAS nice at one time. Of course, I still think it was the 'nice' act because she was nice & sweet when I first met her. If she had acted the way she acts now, I'd have run for the hills.

BTW, one of the other tapes was from my husbands honeymoon with his first wife. I also watched a few minutes of it. He was in their hotel room, describing the view & the room. When he got to the bed, he made a comment... and there's the bed, ha ha ha ha. Did it bother me? Not really. I was hoping that he would be on the video so I could see what he looked like 15 years ago. But, why would it bother me to see him with her, at least ten years before he met me. I guess if he were recently divorced, it might bother me to see it, but we both had lives before we met.

I did notice that they had a longer, more expensive honeymoon (a week at Disneyland) than we did (three days in San Francisco), but he didn't have his daughter back then and I wanted to go to San Francisco, so I still got the honeymoon I wanted. I could compare the two and feel bad because they spent more and had longer, but then again, my marriage has already lasted longer than theirs did and is happier. That's what's more important, being happy.
tracystoke
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
Now i really couldnt of watched those videos,I would of lobbed them straight in the bin.whether he liked it or not
sylviatexas1
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
You'd have lobbed someone else's property into the bin "whether he liked it or not"???

Misti, what he's demanding here is ownership;
& in this country, one person owning another is illegal.

When someone demands the destruction of evidence that their significant other has or has had a life outside of the one she has with him, it's time to put a stop to it.

You are your own human being with a rich history, & that history is a part of you & it belongs to you.

Nobody has any business "demanding" that you throw out *anything*.

...............
...............

reminds me something that happened nearly 10 years ago, which must have bothered me a lot since I still remember it.

I was talking to a husband in his front yard when the mail came.
Wife was at work.
Husband glanced quickly through letters & tore one envelope in half & threw it on the ground & stomped it.
He explained,
"That was addressed to Marsha Smith.
She's Marsha Talley now.
There's no such person as Marsha Smith."
theotherside
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
My exH didn't have any pictures of his first wife, but he had a number of things of possibly sentimental value - gifts from her, wedding presents, a gift from a previous girlfriend. I would never have asked him to throw any of those out, nor did he ask me to throw out any similar items I had from my previous boyfriend. When we moved, he suggested throwing out some of gifts he had received, and I asked him if he was sure he really wanted to. I can't imagine asking someone to throw out something of sentimental value, and asking someone to throw out photographs would be even worse. I have photo albums of my parents with pictures in them of their previous boyfriends/girlfriends from as far back as the 1920's, and I am very glad to have a photographic record of their lives.
thatswhatshesaid
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
My exH didn't have any pictures of his first wife

What was it that KKNY was saying about first and second failed marriages - and anyone notice that she isn't jumping to TOS's defense, lately?

I can't imagine

That's TOS's Troll calling card. Use it to call her on her borderline psychotic (non-empathetic) behavior.
kkny
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
I dont understand what your saying. I would never suggest to anyone that they throw out pictures. I have said before, my X has many pictures of me -- family trips, etc.
theotherside
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
Interesting - "thatswhatshesaid" just registered today, yet she (or he) talks about "lately" as if she had been around for awhile. Some people must have too much time on their hands if they can have the time to create an alter-ego just to harass another poster.

I agreed with what most of the other posters on this thread have said. Sylviatexas actually said, "what he's demanding here is ownership;
& in this country, one person owning another is illegal," yet this poster said that my post was not empathetic? I agree with Sylviatexas' post, but how was my post not empathetic if hers was?
finedreams
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
i would never throw pics of X and me, of course I have them in albums. I would not put them on the walls though, it is not appropriate. DD has pics of dad in her room, but her room is not mine. I would not ask SO to throw out his pics of his X. But I don't think they should be on the walls in a living room, they are not. X threw out some of the X pics in anger, I encouraged him not to because it likes invalidates 28 years of marriage! he only threw out some of them. but he does not even have that many, X took everything out of the house, emptied it, so not much to hide.

I still have pics of like 2 serious BFs i had. These pics don't have much value for me, they only have value as reminding of my younger years. :)
keepitmovin
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
I have another question. What about when there are wedding pictures at the in-laws house?
Have any Bios ever asked their parents to take them down. Does the new partner ever feel out of place? And how should the in-laws handle it.
imamommy
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
My in laws took down all pictures of my husband's ex, years before I met him. I wouldn't have asked them to take anything down, it's THEIR home.

My dad had one picture of me & my exBF with the six kids but he also took that down a year or two after we broke up, which was years before I met my husband.
mom_of_4
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
I would hope the in laws would take down the pictures of the ex... unless maybe if they were family pictures that had everyone in them... But, I wouldnt ask them to take it down I would maybe talk to Dh in a casual that makes my uncomfortable and kind of like an outsider sort of way... and let him address it after that... But, otherwise I would just deal with it...

and I would not throw away photos from my past and I wouldnt ask DH to throw his away... I wouldnt frame them or put them in an album in the family room or anything like that but...everyone should have their keepsakes from their past if they choose... their past is part of who they are now.
serenity_now_2007
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
good question about the in-laws' house. I think it depends on a few factors:

-how prominently displayed? (huge elaborately-framed wall-mounted portrait or in an album, tucked away?)
-if prominently displayed: are the wedding pix with the former spouse just one or two amidst a sea of other family pictures covering a many-years-long or many-decades-long timeframe?
-do the pix of son/daughter with former spouse ALSO include the children from that marriage, that is, their prized garndchildren? (You know how garndparents are about their grand-kids.)
-most importantly: are there pictures of the son or daughter with their CURRENT SPOUSE prominently displayed?

In general, I think it's a kind and welcoming gesture on the part of in-laws to prominently display pix of their son/daughter with their current spouse/partner. Preferably more prominent than pix with previous spouse, but at least AS prominent. It shows that they like the person s/he's with, plain and simple. My boyfriend's parents have a framed pic of us togetehr sitting right in their living room, and we're not even married (and I've only even met his parents a couple of times). It's just a very sweet gesture, and it meant a lot to me.

But if they don't have a pic displayed, then the best way for the son/daughter & new partner to handle it is to nicely give the in-laws a picture (preferably framed) to them as a casual gift (not for a special occasion gift). If they don't display it, it's not unreasonable to *feel* a bit hurt, but there's nothing that can be done about it.
finedreams
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
i think when people get divorced, keeping their wedding pics on the walls is inappropriate. keeping as memory in albums is a completely different thing. and if there is a new partner, it is even more inappropriate to have wedding pics from previous marriage exhibited.
justnotmartha
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
when DH and I started dating there were pics up of he and his ex at the in-laws, but his mom was still having a hard time accepting the fact the ex had moved 3 hours away and they had divorced. About 6 months down the road when the ex started showing her true colors and refusing visitation and such the pictures suddenly came down. When I started fighting like he!! with DH for custody pictures of me and DH went up . . lots of them! And the cards started coming about what a blessing I was, etc. I guess I had passed the 'test'!

I think a lot of it really does have to do with grandkids as far as the in-laws go. Once I proved my SD was a main priority in my life I was allowed to grace the family wall. :-)

I would never ask DH to get rid of pictures of his past. I actually found a box in his house (pre moving in) and made a collage of shots of SD. The ex came and got the box one day and did not give DH any, so the few I pulled out and those from his parents are all we have of SD as a baby. Luckily MIL took lots of pics of the first grandchild! I've given SD several pics of she, her mom and her dad to keep, but she has not displayed them for years - she displays the shots of "our' family unit. I also have a picture from their wedding I'm keeping nice to frame for SD when she gets married. The debate is if I'll frame one of her dad and I as well . . . .?!

A past is just that - a past. It makes the future what it is; how can you erase it? Hasn't anyone seen Back to the Future?!?
serenity_now_2007
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
One other factor I thought of is length of time of previous marriage/relationship vs. that of current marriage/relationship. For example, if the previous marriage was, like, 30 years long and the current one is brand-new (and/or maybe not married yet), it can make a difference. Not for any reason of "quantity" of years of previous "beating out" current relationship, but simply because quite possibly the in-laws became extremely close to the previous spouse/partner, seeing him/her as literally a family member (I think this can happen especially if previous marriage yielded kids, meaning grand-kids to them).

It doesn't excuse blatant rudeness, and I think in this situation the proper thing for the in-laws to do is make sure that there is a prominently displayed pic of current relationship to offset any bad feelings if they decide to keep out a pic or two of previous relationship. But I think it's quite possible and common that in-laws get very attached to their son/daughter's previous partner. After all, it wasn't THEY who decided to divorce. They may MEAN absolutely no disrespect to the current partner, but just not be ready to see them fully in the same light, or at least YET (depending on reasonable timeframe). That's why I'd say if it seems dicey, give them a framed pic and see how they handle it from there.

In looking back on my step-family situation and wondering why it was that I hardly ever got to see my Dad's side of the family on my visits, and why my dad got progressively alienated more & more from them through the years (to the extent that I basically have been denied half a family), it occured to me that there might have been an issue or misunderstanding between his family (namely my grandmother) and my SM. I can't say this for certain, but just from reading between the lines of what has been said. All I know is that my grandparents adored my mother. Years after my parents' divorce, my grandfather even named one of the rabbits in his yard (whom he was quite fond of) after my mom. I think they were very saddened by the divorce, but I don't think they blamed either my mom or dad for it. They were just sad that it ended. I don't know how much or little they warmd up to any of the women my dad dated between my mom & SM (I was too young to observe) but they were in general extremely warm sweet people. (They died, respectively, when I was 11 and 19; I saw them once or twice a year early on in my life, then it dwindled more & more starting when I was about 14, approximately the time SM entered the picture.) For what it's worth, I don't remember seeing any pictures in their house of my Dad and SM (which maybe my SM wished were displayed)... but then again there were never any of my mom & Dad either. Perhaps it was an issue simply that my grand-parents loved and missed my mother (and me, btw several pix of me were always up) and --photos aside (photos being mere symbols)-- either on their part or SM's part somebody got overly put-off b/c they couldn't conceive of loving the memory of my mom in the family and simultaneously welcoming and coming to love my SM. It could have been either them or SM or both who had this "either/or" mind-set, I honestly don't know.... Long tangent, but my point is it makes sense for BOTH in-laws and current partner to consider the feelings of the other and try to extend extra compassion and courtesy, especially after a relatively long previous marriage with kids.
finedreams
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
I am very close to my XMIL after almost 17 years of being divorced. We regularly talk and she is also a great grandmother to DD. She never fully accepted my X's 2nd wife, in fact she very much disliked her (they have met years after we were divorced, so she was not TOW). She of course has my pictures, but she does not display them. Frankly it would be a bad taste to ahve my pics on the wall.

I also do not think that displaying or not displaying pics mean anything. My brother is married close to 20 years, happily married with two kids and my aprents are close to their DIL. But my parents do not have him and his wife's pics displayed. They have grandkids' pics though.
serenity_now_2007
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
In this hypothetical situation (where previous marriage was long & in-laws stay close after divorce), I guess ideally, if in-laws wanted to do their best to be considerate and accomodating to their son/daughter's current spouse/partner, then they perhaps ought to try and put away pix of previous marriage ***when current couple COMES OVER***. (Bearing in mind that it's possible, even with the best intentions, that they could forget or have them out if current couple shows up unexpectedly.) But beyond that to propose to dictate what someone else should have up in their own house, based on their own memories and emotional attachments, seems a bit much.

That said, it's perfectly okay to FEEL hurt and bothered if there's not a picture of current relationship displayed (if there IS one of previous relationship). But what can you do about it? You can only: a) take note of the apparent sentiemnt (or lack thereof) on the part of in-laws; b) own your own feelings about the situation; c) offer them a pic and let them do with it what they choose; d) if you want to respond in kind, then ***at your house*** you can prominently dispaly pictures of YOUR parents and let them react as they choose (which may be without the slightest bit of offense).

I can see both sides of this. There's the situation I described earlier, where I know my Dad's parents really loved my mom and would want to take their time making the decision of which (if any) photos to display. And then there's the feelings I've had as a daughter, going into my dad's house to find pretty much every picture and gift I've given him over the years, things which had been displayed lovingly for many years, removed from sight and hidden away (and his new wedding pictures prominently displayed all over the place). Sure I could be hurt. Sure it's my right to FEEL that hurt. Sure I perceive that the caring, loving, compassionate thing woudl have been for him (or SM) to NOT remove all physical evidence of my existence from his sight as he lays dying of cancer. ***BUT*** I can't tell him or her what to do in their house. I can only ask where something is, offer him new stuff, offer to frame pix and set them out, and hope that they aren't immediately removed as soon as I leave. It sucks royally, but it IS their house. All I can do is take note, adjust my responses, keep trying/offering, and let the chips fall where they may. And I would never have the view that any OTHER pictures they have should be removed from my sight because I'm coming over. Wanting to co-exist (photographically and otherwise) is a totally different mentality than insisting that something ELSE has to go.
ceph
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
I have photos of me with exes... I don't have them up, but I have them in albums and boxes or on my computer. FDH also has photos of him with exes in albums and boxes and his computer. I would not throw away my photos, nor would I ever expect FDH to, but I do think there's a certain level of tact involved in not flaunting your past to your SO or kids.
When FDH's home flooded earlier this year, I was going through the ruined things in his closet. Unfortunately there were some photos in a box that was on the floor. I went through them to make sure there was nothing that appeared absolutely irreplaceable, and there wasn't (they were mostly doubles of photos he had in an album) but I still felt bad about throwing them away, because I feel that his memories and keepsakes are personal and I don't have the right to police them.
But, on the other hand, my boss and his FDW had a picture burning bonanza when they got engaged and said it was fabulous and cathartic... So to each their own.

I recall being about 13 and going through some old photos of my mom's with her. I found a picture of a CUTE guy and asked who he was. She laughed "Oh, that was Robin, the first boy I went steady with. He was a friend of your uncle's." I also saw pictures of her goofing off with girlfriends and being tossed over the shoulder of some boy, and so on. Even though I found it somewhat odd, it was really cool to find a "young girl" side of my mom that I could connect to. I feel lucky that she didn't throw out old photos and I got to know her better because of them. However, I'm also glad I was 13 or 14 when I saw them, because I might have been bothered or felt insecure as a younger child.

Across the room on my china cabinet, I have a photo of my mom and dad at their wedding (40 years ago this July) and a photo of my dad, stepmom and I at my university graduation. My dad laughed at his wedding photo and said "Jeez, Ceph, did you have to pick the photo where I look like such a DORK?!" and my stepmom joined in at laughing at his thickrimmed glasses.
I was relieved that she was so easygoing about it, but also know she would have no reason to be upset with me for having a photo of my mother, and wouldn't have taken it down if she did have a problem with it.

In short, photos are very personal and so are feelings about photos. I see DH's point, but want you to keep your photos tucked away somewhere because you have a right to your own past.
finedreams
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
I frankly do not care if my pics are displayed in my parents house. We definitelly display some pics of family that passed away, also pics of kids. But as of everybody else's who is alive and grown up, not necessarilly. I do have DD's graduation pic on the wall. DD sometimes points out that i have too many pics of hers hanging around, makes her uncomfortable. Too many is 2. lol But my SO's older DD told dad that there is not enough pics of her hanging on the walls. lol She told him to frame and hang more, and I mean large portraits. I cannot imagine DD asking me that or me asking my parents to hang large portrait of me. lol I know my parents love me with or without my portraits.
marge727
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
When my uncle came home from world war II I understand that he had lots of photos taken overseas--in the Solomon Islands and Hawaii also. His wife destroyed all of them because she was jealous that there were other women in some of the photos. I remember hearing about that and resolved that old photos are a window in time. They show the person at a younger age, maybe surrounded by history and its awful to destroy that. So I have always looked at old photos that way. Its a chance to see your SO with curly dark hair, with his old car in the background or whatever.
I suppose its different if you look at old photos and there lurking in the background is your old friend who ran off with your husband later. Those I might shred.
kathline
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
My husband doesnt care if I have pictures of my ex around. I have them, but they are packed away.

What my husband doesnt like is me wearing jewelry that my ex gave me. He doesnt say anything, but he doesnt look happy when I take it out to put on, so I just dont wear it anymore.

Of course, he is free to replace it any time he likes :)
pinkypup
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
I found pictures of my husband's first wedding and several photos of the two of them before they had kids and as a family with their children. I hate it, but it's his life before me...I can't change that, and his children deserve to have those memories. I took all the photos and put them in two albums for the kids. They keep them in their bedroom.

I don't have any photos of me and any exes. I'm just not a keeper of that stuff really. I always burned everything to get some closure. If your hubby doesn't like it, I'd either seal them up and put them away or get rid of them.
doodleboo
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
Neither my husband or I keep pictures. I think the only ones he has is of her with the girls when they were infants. He keeps them put away. He doesn't care to hang them on the wall. He is saving them to give to the girls when thay are older. I don't really have any laying around either. Certainly none on our walls. They are OUR walls so I don't think it would be appropriate.

As for the parents, I think out of respect for the new spouse pictures should be taken down....unless of course it's a family function and everyone was there exc. exc. It is tacky to keep a couple picture on a wall when the couple is no longer a couple. If my parents had pictures of an ex on the wall, I'd ask them to remove it. They are my parents not his and should understand.
finedreams
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
totally agree with doodleboo, it is just plain lack of class to display pics of couples when they are not couples anymore. Put pics in the album but have some class: remove them from the walls. No matter how attached they feel about x-spouse of ther children, displaying their pics is a bad taste. Especially wedding pics of couples no longer married.
sandra_dee221
17 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
I have all the wedding pictures and video from my first marriage in a box in the top of a closet. It is there if and whenever my daughters want them. My BF(we are living together) did not get out of his marriage with any photos of his children or the years he was with his ex-wife. His sister and mother have been trying to share the extra pictures they had of his son's as babies. He gladly excepts all of them unless they have his ex-wife in them. I have started a box for his sons with those photos. Just in case they would like them some day. It does not bother me looking at them. I like seeing the man he was then.
I also have a picture of BF's sons with their mother in a frame in their bedroom that they share. And my daughters have a picture of them with their father in a frame in their bedroom. My daughters took a picture of me with them for their room at their fathers and I gave BF's ex-wife a picture of the boys with their dad for their room at her house.
sylviatexas1
10 years ago
I think you should be grateful that you have this guy.

You told him that you'd burned his photos (*his* belongings), & he reacted very mildly.

He told you that those photos are his memories, which means they're his past.

Leave them in the past, & be happy with this guy (who sounds like he really loves you) & with the life the two of you have with your children.

I wish you the very best.
Deena Farhad
10 years ago
Answer plsss
sylviatexas1
10 years ago
It sounds like there's much more going on here than can be addressed on an internet forum.

I do know that some men will drive you nuts & then tell everybody you're crazy, but I can't tell if that's what's happening with the photos & with his former flame or not.

I once had a "boyfriend" (ick) who played his ex & me against each other.

He was an expert manipulator, & eventually I found myself insanely jealous (not a normal state for me; I had been perfectly self-sufficient before he careened into my orbit-& I eventually became perfectly self-sufficient again, but at the cost of a lot of time, a lot of misery, & the loss of a great deal of myself).

& his poor ex was in a much worse place, calling him all the time, begging for "time" with him, leaving notes on my front door.

He enjoyed having two women making fools of themselves & wasting their lives fighting over him.

I can't tell you what to do, but I will share with you that, if some man called me an "evil witch", I'd take that as a "I don't love you at all & I have no respect for you" statement.

which means he or I would have to find another place to live.

I wish you the best.
colleenoz
10 years ago
Well, frankly I think that pretending you'd burned his photos was pretty nasty and if he'd got upset with you it was totally deserved. In his shoes I'd have called you an evil witch and more. My husband had a box with letters from a former girlfriend and I never looked at it or even looked _for_ it. It was his past and his to keep or throw away as he chose. I don't like him deciding my stuff is junk and I don't do that to him. (We've been married 32 years BTW.)

You also can't demand that he stop talking to someone who is now relegated to "old friend". As long as the content of his talking isn't romantic, as far as I'm concerned demanding he not talk to her is out of line. And checking his phone all the time is also out of line. Either you trust him or you don't. If you don't, then leave, because trust is the cornerstone of every relationship. Jealousy such as yours will destroy it.

Should photos of previous spouses be hid or thrown away?

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mistihayesOriginal Author

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mistihayes
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