dreading Mother's Day...

tmarie1985

A bit of background: 2.5 year relationship with a man who has a toddler. Our relationship has been very trying, including a history of infidelity and drama with his ex. I have had a very hard time with the expectations and responsibilities of a "stepmom". There have been many issues with the baby mama, including my partners lying and cheating with her. She has also been rude to me and while we have a tentatively cordial relationship now, I don't care for her much. Anyways, my problem is in how to handle the emotions that have come from being a stepmom. For one, my partner expects me to act as a parent- he wants me to embrace the stepmother role. But, I feel this is more like expecting me to take care of the kid and be a motherly figure while at the same time I get none of the love or respect that a bio mom gets. I asked my partner if he was making plans for us for Mother's Day and his response was "you aren't a mom". I admit, I have veered back and forth between wanting to jump into the stepmom role and resisting the expectations and responsibility that comes with it. I have had a hard time deciding if I want to be the total stepmom or if I'm not ready for that. However, now my partner has told me that basically told me that I'm selfish and that unless I start being more of a stepmom, he doesn't want to be with me. No matter what now, he expects me to be home and "on" whenever the child is with us. I have an issue with the idea that I have to prove myself as a parent but his ex got knocked up and automatically was granted respect and acknowledgement . Also, for the first six months of so of the child staying with us, I was super into the mom role, and didn't even work so we could bond. Eventually I got tired of putting my life on hold for someone else's child, not to mention the fact that I need money and to focus on my education and career. Now I work as a nanny and am bonding well with the kids I watch, which apparently makes my partner angry because, as he says, I "spend all day with them and come home and pay no attention to his child". This isn't true! On some of the days we have him, I literally work from 7 am to 7 pm. When I get home, I'm TIRED. Butt for some reason, this isn't supposed to matter to me. So, basically, I'm just needing help on if this is normal behavior or expectations of a stepmom (although we aren't married)? It's like he's telling me I need to prove myself as a stepmom and don't deserve recognition (like on Mother's Day) until then, but bio mom should get all the praise and treats in the world. And I just don't think this is fair but everytime we discuss anything about this, it ends up with me feeling bad and guilty and him telling me I'm selfish. Help!

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sylviatexas1

"every time we discuss anything about this, it ends up with me feeling bad and guilty and him telling me I'm selfish"

& this is how he treats you when he should be convincing you how wonderful he is!

It will get worse, for the rest of your life, as long as this guy is in your life.

This guy is a garden-variety jerk, looking for someone to do his job for free & to accept whatever disrespectful abuse he cares to dish out.

Also, you need to reconsider the child's mother's situation;
you weren't there when *he* got *her* pregnant, & you might pause to think whether he treated her the same way he treats you.

As the mother of this guy's child, she'll be in his life, & he in hers, forever.

However, she isn't the problem, & it isn't your or my place to call her a baby mama or to say things like "his ex got knocked up".

Remember *he* got *her* pregnant.

& how is he taking care of her now?

My take on it is that you won't get to enjoy much of anything that life has to offer as long as you're tangled up with this demanding, insulting bully.

I wish you the best.

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colleenoz

Everything Sylvia said. From what you say, to me he's clearly a jerk and you can do better for yourself.
" unless I start being more of a stepmom, he doesn't want to be with me" What _nice_ guy says something like that?
""you aren't a mom"" - See above.
Move on, honey, there's a world of _good_ men out there.

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ellendi

Agreed. You don't need this headache.

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