CS8, your intuition is probably right, the child's reactions are probably fueled by his mother. I went through the same exact thing with my step-children where we enjoyed a lengthy honeymoon phase and then MAJOR attitude started happening (they are a bit older so I never got kicked if not only verbally).
That said, I also know that after the honeymoon, reality set in, the reality that mom and dad weren't getting back together... and as much as they "understood" it, the hurt of it began to manifest and who else better to take it out on than the person that mom doesn't like?

Discipline is a hard thing, somewhere we step-figures were told that only the bio-parent should really address issues... However, I do think that in order for things not to escalate, they need to be addressed IMMEDIATELY. I think it's great that you were able to do so with the tyke! I think it is very important that children don't see the adults in their lives as wishy-washy or simply passive when they are misbehaving, otherwise they are going to push that "inappropriate" behavior as far as possible (knowing perhaps that they can get away with murder if dad isn't there to take action).

I LOVE my husband. I absolutely adore him... but sometimes I think he just doesn't get it. I took MANY MANY MANY conversations before he understood that he and I had to be a united front when it came to intervention and that he too had to let his children know that "inappropriate" behavior just isn't acceptable (and I keep putting inappropriate" in quotation marks because there are so many degrees of misbehaving).

3 years later? I am now entering the phase where the children are growing up and testing their boundaries for their own reasons... But I love them and they love me. Sure, every once in a while they will try and get away with things, but at this point it has little or nothing to do with me or with their hurt; at this point, I can confidently say that, if they are acting up it because of their age.

I guess what I would say is:
1. Hang in there. You don't have to be maternal to get along or even love that child.
2. Hang in there. Talk to your boyfriend... and if he doesn't get it, keep on talking to him. I think my husband got it when he SAW how it was wearing me down, even the fact that he wouldn't HEAR what I was telling him.
3. Reading helped me maintain my sanity... and not just reading fiction to evade the situation but reading up on step-children and step-mothers. Not sure if that would be your cup of tea, but places like this are REALLY helpful. You take what works for you and drop the rest...
4. TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF. If you are feeling good, I'm sure it'll be a lot easier to stay cool and collected... I can't stress how important this is! It's absolutely overwhelming to be in the position you (I, we...) are in; but have faith that due diligence things will get better.

You have all my empathy......

I feel for you. I think you're doing well to be able to voice your opinion to your bf.

I assume you are in this relationship for the long haul. I would hate to think that his father has introduced other gfs to him, perhaps confusing him? It could be that others have come and gone and he fears you'll do the same. But, I'm betting that the BM is the culprit, as you suspect. It's so sad that adults can't just be adults. My DH's ex used to make her children feel as though any pleasant behavior shown to me was equivalent to them being disloyal to her. Is this a woman you or your bf can talk to? Is she reasonable at all?

I wish we had all gone to a family counselor early on. We didn't and our problems were brushed under the rug and never really solved. I bent over backwards to please my steps and basically have been stepped on by them over and over again. There's a cordial awkwardness w/ us and sometimes I'm not sure if that's better or worse than before!

Keep communicating, but don't cite specifics about your bf's son as it will be viewed as an attack against him. And, most parents get their protective feathers ruffled and go into DEFENSE if they perceive any sort of attack on the child! Just say how you feel throughout it all and see if your bf would go to a therapist w/ you and maybe w/ his son, too. You're a little lucky in that he is young and you have time to forge a relationship and he will see you for who you are. My steps were 12, 14, and 16 when we married so it was a horrible time to walk into the picture.

You could always use the son's visitation for time for yourself. But, avoiding the situation won't really help things as I have found. And, you want to be closer to your bf, not more distant and while they might want some alone time each week, you disappearing each time the child appears may make him uncomfortable.

Good luck, keepposting,
Dana

The source of this behavior could be the BM. But it also could be that the "honeymoon" phase is over. When people adopt older children, there is a phase where everything is wonderful, just perfect. And then, reality sets in. 5 year old realizes you have been around too long. Maybe he realizes that you are the potential obstacle for mom and dad getting back together.

Did you ask him why he kicked you in the shoulder? Ouch, that hurt! Why did you do that? He might actually tell you what the problem is. He might not.

My darling SD at the counselor's the other day, told him that the problem was that I replaced her. She is now 6 and has been in Dad's soul custody since she was almost 3. She was her father's only child and she went every where almost with him. Then I came on the scene. . . .

She corrected herself and said that I replaced her mother, but I think she was more right the first time. Every once in a while, rather than yell or scream at me - she will tell me something insightful - like "Do you know how much easier my life would be if you were my mother?"

Thanks to all for your replies. I think they were all great points. And it helps a lot because I was thinking all of those things, but sometimes you have to check yourself. I told my boyfriend about this forum and some of the advice I got. I tried to talk in a caring way, but he took offense saying I just need to grow up and why do I need a forum to help me with this situation and that he can't believe I'm letting my feelings get hurt by a 5 year old. He also said he doesn't think his son has done anything wrong because he's being manipulated by his mother and he's only 5 and doesn't know what he's doing. What a bunch of crap! I was stunned that he was so defensive, but it's because he thinks I'm attacking his kid. Sometimes I think our relationship isn't worth the aggravation, but as I said before I love him so much and I wanted to make things work. I'm not so sure now when I look at the long run. But maybe that's just my anger talking. Another thing my boyfriend said is that I'm not a parent so how can I possibly know what I'm talking about. He does this to invalidate my points. I told him he was being unreasonable (actually by this time we just yelling at each other). I don't know what I'm going to do from here, but I do know I might not be the kind of person who can take this kind of drama. I'm in a no win situation because my boyfriend is really touchy about his child and I'm not his son's mother. I feel sometimes like I'm intruding upon THEIR relationship (my boyfriend and his son). And I certainly don't want to feel like an outsider. I'm thinking it could be that my boyfriend simply doesn't care enough about our relationship deep down to make any sincere efforts to understand my feelings.

Well, I forgot to mention that my DH (who's 19 yrs. older than me!) will never forget to criticize someone in MY family if I point out anything wrong w/ one of his kids. It's like they're cornered and know it so rather than sticking to the issue at hand, they attack and try to hurt -and do hurt w/their hateful words.

Secondly, my DH thinks that everyone "met" via the internet is a serial killer in disguise, so now, when I get good advice here or on an email group for moms (not steps), I refrain from telling its origin and just said, "A friend suggested we try...." and I think it's worth giving it a shot...

I think as women, we do have a little better intuition about parenting issues sometimes. A friend of mine worked in a place for runaways and underage mothers. If she ever corrected one of them for something regarding treatment of her child, the mother would say, "What do YOU know? You don't have any kids!" My friend would say, "No, but I have common sense, and common sense tells me that is ISN'T OK to drag your little girl by her arm!" So, don't let him tell you that you don't know anything 'cause you have no bio children. You know right from wrong and sometimes it's easier to see mistakes made when you aren't too close as he is. Being too close can cloud one's judgement.

As a last effort to save your relationship, say, "Let's go talk to someone about all of this. By your own admission the mother is confusing this boy and muddying the waters. I don't want it to fester - maybe it will run its course and he'll soon see me for who I am, but if there's anyway to hasten that, perhaps we can save ourselves and him a lot of anguish along the way."

Good luck,
Dana

Dear Dana,

I love that "my DH thinks that everyone "met" via the internet is a serial killer in disguise". LOL. That's hysterical because so many people feel that way or use it as an excuse to put down any advice from the internet. So that made me laugh and lightened things up for me a bit. :-) I'm hanging in there. My boyfriend is still angry with me. We're barely speaking because of the blow-up Sunday, but I'm just giving him time to cool off and myself time to figure out how to talk to him later. His son came over last night. I knew he was scheduled to stay with us, so I hung out after work and did some shopping and found something good to eat to pass the time before coming home. I made sure his son was already in bed when I got home just to avoid any problems since my boyfriend is still angry. You know, I am a step-child and I wasn't happy when my step-father came into the picture. I remember trying to sit between him and my mom so they couldn't be close. I know it was a bratty thing to do, but my mother talked to me and she didn't let me get away with being blatantly rude. It just seems like the common sense thing to do. So I can't understand why my boyfriend is so stubborn. He's being downright mean right now actually. I know his son means a lot to him, but he really needs to chill out. From the outside looking in, he's completely irrational. I don't know what he thinks is going to happen if he talks to his son. I mean, the world isn't going to come to an end. It just doesn't make any sense to me. Ok, I'm done rambling! Thanks again.