My stepson's mother died on April 27th, the "celebration of her life" was on Saturday, May 6th. This has been one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. My own mother died of cancer when I was 26, the week after Mother's Day. My stepson's mother died from pancreatic cancer after 9 months of fighting it. (He is 19, her birthday was last Wednesday, so she would have been 39). My husband and stepson are both having a really rough time with this, and even though we are all relieved that she is no longer in pain, and we have put her to rest, after all these years of turmoil dealing with her ups and downs and the yo-yo effect of trying to keep "Brian" on an even keel after her escapades and "bs", now we have to deal with a life without all the drama. We have gone through so much, and constantly been tethered to her, and now that she is gone, we have been so used to the tether, that we don't know what to do without it. That, and the fact that my hubby is now confused by his feelings because he feels lost about his feelings for her and his feelings for me. They were very young, it was the "first love", and he put her on a pedestal, he primped and fussed over her because she was beautiful, and he treated her like his own personal dress-up doll. Eventually, she got restless and sought out attention elsewhere, and that's how they ended up divorced. Now he feels guilty that he doesn't feel for me the way he felt for her when they were married, and he's confused because part of him wants to put me on a pedestal like her, and part of him is afraid to because he thinks that may be what drove her off. Also, he feels guilty because he figures that since she was the first, and that marriage is forever, that he is doing something wrong by being married to me and not being faithful to her. I can only console myself by remembering that he loves me, and that this confusion will not last forever, and he is talking to me about it. So what do I feel? I feel lost, worried that he will come to the conclusion that it's not right to be together, hurt that he doesn't feel that "magic" feeling he did for her, and clueless as to what to do to help things be better for all of us. I don't want to be the kind of woman who is showered with money, I don't need that, I would rather be cherished, and given affection and attention, I don't want to be put on a pedestal, though. I'm too independent for that. I just want my husband and stepson, my family is the most important thing in my life. I can't tell you how much it hurt to see my stepson's grandparents crushed by their daughter's death. They have become part of my family, and I love them. I have nieces and nephews in that family who love me and call me auntie. All this time that she has been causing turmoil and discontent in our families, she unknowingly provided me with an extended family who clung to me as they could not with her, and I feel blessed. I just wish I could find a way to help my family deal with the backlash of this event, and help heal us all.