Hi, Sunny

Why do they need to be at your home alone if they are adults and do not live with you?

I have never thought that my step-kids were stealing from us, but they are adults, and the only time they want to
visit, is when we are planning a trip. They ask if they can come and bring a group of their friends. We don't know these friends, and always brace ourselves. DH acts like I am being a real jerk if I object to this. Why do they need to use our house as a resort for their friends? I have had people I don't even know say that we have a lovely home, and thanks for letting them vacation there. It's weird.

I have a suggestion, but my husband hasn't gone for it.
Bell South is our phone company here, and they also offer
security systems, included hidden computerized video cameras. It is remarkably inexpensive to install and maintain, and you can access it by computer when you are not at home. They are completely hidden from view, and look like electrical switch plates, etc. My husband has resisted this, because he is afraid that we will catch his kids doing something they shouldn't, I think. But if your hubby doesn't object, you might really think about doing this.

Your step-kids are very passive aggressive, I think.
There is no way that confronting them will do any good.
And the crazy thing about it, is that you would probably give them these things, or something comparable, if they would only ask. It's the sneakiness of it that is so infuriating. It's like they think they are entitled to them, and at the same time, it's like they love to passively "get you".

Hi southernsummer, Thanks for the advise. I agree that they should not be here if we are not. DH does not agree, he feels his adult kids should come and go as they like when were away and be able to bring friends to our home when we are not there and just hang out. Often SS will stop by unannounced when were not home and then call us and tell us he is in our house. DH doesn't like to lock the doors. We go around and around about locking the house doors.

DH also feel his kids should be able to use anything we own including ATV, automobiles, boats, lawn mowers, etc. when ever they want. I do not agree. They should at least ask first and we should be around when they use them.

Everytime SS calls and says he is in our home I just tense up and feel anxious. I do not understand why he has to be in our home when were not there. In the past I have left out personal financial documents or personal information and he has come into our home when were not there which makes me uncomfortable. I now try to rememeber I have to put everything away all of the time. This all frustrates me in my own home.

I have thought about security cameras but I am sure DH would tell his kids about them, he tells them everything, DH would not think we need them, maybe think it is put down about his kids by not trusting them, and the added expense is not in the budget right now. But I think I will check into prices to see whats avaialable and for how much.

Thanks for the advise and input. It always helps.

Hi Sunnygardenerme,
Yes, I do have experience with this situation! Last summer my then 19 y/o SD stayed with my husband and me for her summer break. We allowed this, despite the fact that she rejected us the few years before (classic case of divorce poisoning by her mom)...anyway, we thought we could help her, teach her, etc, and that spending time away from her mother who lies, manipulates, etc. would be good for her. Well, I'm sure it would have been, except that she was a product of her environment...and so had no problem taking my things and then lying about taking them. It started when I couldn't find a sweater...and she heard me looking for it in the morning...and then it turned up in a ball in our office room at home. Well I knew I didn't do that, so I knew she had it and attempted to "return" it. Then a necklace went missing...it was a $20 necklace that was about principle, not value! My husband confronted her and she cried and was appalled that he would suspect his little angel of taking it....no way. He then talked to me and said "I saw the look in her eyes, she is not lying -- you must have misplaced it" (being the control freak I am, I rarely "misplace" things!! LOL!)...anyway, I then went in to talk to her. I though what can I do? she was living with me so I thought I would tell her that if she wants to borrow things, just ask me....etc. Well, thank God that my husband -- who thoroughly believed in her innocence, also had faith in me and that if I was still convinced, perhaps there was truth to it...so he went out to her car to look around and viola! So, he brought it to her room and said "Jess I found this in your car" and her response? "Oh THAT necklace!" She still tried to keep up the lie! We said "stop this....admit it and stop taking things." Well, it didn't stop, she took bras, toiletries, jewelery, shoes, tops, summer dresses, etc....we had talks about it, threatened to throw her out, and then as a final moment came, told her to get out -- she cried and cried, she was so very sorry -- said "please don't make me go back there" (to her mother's house), etc, etc. Well, since she had only a week or so left with us, we agreed to allow her to stay at our house -- but that she couldn't go out after work -- she needed to start to prepare to return to school, etc. Well, the night before she left our house for good (to go on vacation with her mother then back to school), I decided to look through her boxes to be sure she wasn't taking anything of mine. Well, guess what -- there were household items packed up (a stitched pillow that her grandmother made for us, a mug that was made out of her brother's artwork, some party things (hats, streamers) and a jewelery box thing that her deceased grandfather gave to me. So, concluded that she was a thief and a liar and unless she got serious therapy, she was not welcomed in our home alone. We don't make any bones about it -- she has "stolen" (she and her mother prefer to refer to it as her "borrowing" my things, even though she hid them in her car, under her bed and at her mother's house so that I didn't know she "borrowed" them). So, she did nothing about therapy, which we told her she must do back at school and so we are again estranged......

I fear my husband didn't fully understand the depth of my hurt and upset about this until I framed it for him "how would you feel if one of my nephews left from staying with us and you were missing things....?" He then realized how awful it must have felt....she isn't my blood and is going through my drawers and taking whatever she wanted (even my bras for God Sakes!!!)

Oh, and I forgot, we had a 4th of July BBQ and my neice-in-law left sunglasses somewhere, and my SD decided she liked them and took them! That neice is the one person she truly cared about in my family (she had mother issues too and reached out to my SD). So, my SD decided to "return" them, but did it at a time when it was obvious that they showed up right after our brief visit to a place they were renting at the shore (so it couldn't have been that they just resurfaced).

Ok, sorry to bore you with the details of my story, but the bottom line is that I know how you feel and your husband needs to respect that feeling of being violated. These are adult children who "visit" your home -- it is not their home anymore and they have no right to be there without you. I would put my foot down and insist on this....you have a right to be comfortable in your own home (besides, it used to make me CRAZY because I would be like "did she take it -- did I misplace it and forget where I put it??" etc. etc. It is a horrible feeling.....

Good luck.....my husband's faith in my and my veracity helped me to show him what I needed. If your husband trusts in you and truly cares about you, he will listen to you and do what you need to feel safe and comfortable in your own home.

I don't know what to tell you except that I've been there, too. W/o the DHs on board, we're pretty helpless, and if you're anything like me, just to have the DH on board would be a huge thing in the marriage.

My SS used to be a great kid - always spoiled and self-serving, but decent morals, great student, etc. He lived w/ us for a couple of years towards the end of H.S. then w/ us for all college breaks.

3 years ago he met his bf. (He is gay.) We didn't like/trust the kid, because he had a record w/ the police that was supposed to be due to a misunderstanding w/ his stepfather about him borrowing a rental car and the man thinking it was stolen. If that was true, I would assume that it could have been cleared up w/ the law w/o this kid having a probation officer.

Anyway, SS turned a 180. Bad grades, ended up flunking out of school and therefore, shafting me on the student loans for him that I was stupid enough to sign for.

2 years ago, we had a fire in our office. We were living there and the sprinkler system inside went on to put out the fire (in SS's salt water fish tank, btw) so most of our personal belongings were lost due to water damage.

SS and his bf showed up to 'help' us out. I swear, more valuables that were never unpacked in the building (kept in a room for storage in the office while our home was being built) were "lost". Now, I'm talking crystal, china, jewelry. See, we planned to only be in the bldg. for 10 mo, but it ended up being several years due to a crooked contractor. So, we never used most of our nice wedding gifts and the crystal and china and jewelry were items that wouldn't have been ruined w/ the water damage. I KNOW he took them and sold them on eBay. He was always dealing on eBay - better than getting a real job...

W/ the SD living w/ us, she never completed her laundry but I would do it for her as I needed the washer. I've found my clothes in her stuff. She's WAY bigger than me and I'm just annoyed. I've never been one to share clothes w/ anyone - not in childhood, college or now! But,as I'm so unassertive and say 'yes' when I mean 'no' lol, if she'd ask, I'm sure I'd say that she could use whatever she wanted. I would NEVER have the nerve to borrow anyone's things.

My DH is a lot like yours. "Our" house is open to them, whether we're here or not. The SS is now missing in action since right after our fire, but this SD is living here. Now, I don't feel she'd ever steal from me, more likely to borrow things and forget about them or later return them and never have asked permission. On Good Friday, I was sleeping in my room in the afternoon after all my medical tests and a rough week. Had my boys napping, too, when the door flew open and she was marching in, then looked startled, "Oh you ARE here!" Sheesh. What are you doing in my room whether I'm here or not!

I think if I were you, I'd just put my foot down about people coming and going as they please in my home. I intend to get my key back from SD if and when she ever leaves, or I'll just change the locks! Just tell DH that you are uncomfortable w/ anyone on either side of the family going into your home if you aren't there. The cars, ATVs, etc, could have been written by me, too. No boundaries. Did I tell you once my SD took my car from church w/o telling me? I called DH first, but wish I'd called the cops to teach them ALL a lesson! Would your steps allow you to enter their homes w/o them being there? Even if they would, who'd want to? Same w/ cars - SS used to say, "Oh, you can borrow my car anytime, too..." I'm like, "I don't want to borrow your car! I'd be a nervous wreck if something happenend while I was in it!" Of course, he was always flitting about, so I couldn't have if I wanted to - but when his car was being worked on, he'd help himself to mine - even if it meant stranding me at the house!

Good luck,
Dana