Should I let My Adult Children Go?
sadmama
16 years ago
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jankin
16 years agoprettibrwn
15 years agoRelated Discussions
Should I just let it go?
Comments (44)sonicstef, I know you've made up your mind but you seem to keep collecting votes so let me add mine to back your opinion to keep it. Not only does it not bother you too terribly much right now BUT if you were to try to change it, I think you or your installers are very likely to do some damage. Those are GORGEOUS (or should I be saying, "GORGES"?) cabinets and I will say that you or your installer would have to be shot for rendering any harm to them. Sorry for having to say this, but it's true. There are naysayers telling you to have your installer undo this - well, I just don't believe anyone walks around looking at ceiling lines. And if they walk into your home with your beautiful cabinets and their attention is trapped at the ceiling line instead of those amazing cabinets, well, they're nuts! :-) So, you have our permission to go on and enjoy this. I looks lovely. Besides, as Kompy said, you have your own style now!...See MoreHow much should I pay my adult neighbor to cat sit?
Comments (19)Thank you all for your time and input. I amleaning toward the gift certificate. We have incredibly great restaurants within walking distance. My husband wants to give cash, so we are currently trying to deal with that. I know my neighbor boards her dog when she goes away because the dog requires walking. She usually has a friend's neighbor, but he was not available for her last few trips. I can see paying a young person cash, but as an adult AND neighbor, the gift certificate seems like the way to go. Especially since she moved here a few months ago, a gift cert. to a good restaurant that you might not either afford or think to go because it's a bit pricy (but really good), seems good. As a matter of fact, her downstairs neighborr is a well-known chef at a beautiful, highly rated restaurant. So, we'd be benefitting both neighbors. Except they are closed for the month of September. An IOU gift certificate wouldn't work....See Moredealing with adult children and step children
Comments (9)I wouldn't use the word "wrong", but I would call it perhaps short-sighted and lacking in awareness. You seem to have no idea HOW or WHY the problem between your children, your husband and yourself developed. Why is it that you don't have any insight into this? Have you ever tried counseling or even a good heart-to-heart with any of your kids? have you sat down and pondered what might be underlying their distance? (I'm not presuming you haven't, I am just asking.) The children you gave birth to are too important (and not just them themselves, but to YOU as their mother) to not probe this deeper. By insisting that you delve int the source of the problem, I am not necessarily assuming that your kids have a great reason for keeping their distance from you and your husband. Their reasons may range from completely valid to terribly selfish, or --if they're like most people--- some combination or somewhere in between. They would certainly not be the first children of divorce in blended families to have such mixed feelings, or to find it hard to connect with their role in the newly blended family. They also wouldn't be the first to have some unresolved anger, or an attitude about it, not necessarily because you or your husband have done anything so awful but simply because of the fact that their family is not what it once was. Often, unfortunately, this kind of deep-seated upset can manifest by the kids choosing ---consciously or unconsciously--- to keep their distance, knowing no other way to effectively deal with feelings they may not even fully recognize in themselves. You are asking for a reasonable amount of consideration from your kids, but I would ask on their behalf for a reasonable amount of consideration on your end as to what their underlying needs and feelings might be. I don't know your kids, but maybe you don't know them as well as you could, either. It's possible they truly are despicable oafs who are no longer worth your time or consideration. But wow, what a thing to say/feel about your own kids. Is that really how you want it? I doubt it, or you wouldn't be on here asking about it. I might also ask you at this point what sort of input your husband and stepchildren have on the matter of your kids. Do they encourage you to explore the issues or seek counseling or literature on the subject of blended families? Do they express any empathy for what it may feel like to have been in your kids' shoes, post-divorce? Are they welcoming when your kids are around? Basically: are they a force for trying to build bridges or do they encourage you to build walls? Again, I am not assuming they are or are not one way or the other... just that this can have a big impact on the cohesiveness of the blended family and either ease or exacerbate tensions and distance......See Moreif I could tell stepmothers of adult children anything
Comments (197)So typical for the women to be fighting. And so typical for the men to be absent, big-hearted, out of touch, clumsy, passive and will do anything to avoid confrontation. Ask yourself this, as women: Would you allow your grown children to treat your spouse with disrespect? Would you allow your spouse to treat your children with disrespect? One example in the original post, was that the stepmother controlled every second of the father's time, and didn't allow him to speak on the phone with his children. How many women would allow a spouse to ban then from speaking with their own kids? Women who would allow this need to call an abuse hotline. As women, we are nurturers and protectors. We are fierce about protecting those we love. We can mediate, moderate, set limits and still show our love without preference. Everyone knows how much we value them in our families. Showing love to one doesn't mean we have to abandon anyone else. I think this list for stepmothers to adult stepchildren is a surface reaction to the symptom. I could write an equal list of directives aimed at adult stepchildren. The problem as I see it, is the difference between men and women, how we think, what motivates us, how we deal with family. We expect men to think as we do. We don't understand when they don't. And in their absence, we square off and attack the opposing females. Then the men are forever victims, "stuck in the middle", like big, fence-riding whiners. Disengaging is a great tool many females in step-roles use. It's next in line to being married to a man who can actually love equally, be fair, have expectations and boundaries for the people in his family. I disengaged several years ago. I went from unsuccessfully trying to have a relationship with my stepchildren, who made it clear for many years that they weren't interested, to losing interest myself. It is unrewarding and defeating to continue trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn't want one. No more fighting. Part of disengaging means I am also not responsible for reminding my husband of birthdays, initiating visits to see his children, encouraging him to call them, etc. He and they are on their own to navigate their own relationship. They aren't banned from our home and are welcome to come, they just rarely ever do. Nobody is to blame, it's just often how these stepfamilies go when they don't work for everybody. I find it better when we lower our expectations, accept the reality (or not), and stop thinking that our lives will be glamorous if we all can just be one big happy family. Being one big happy family is no longer on my bucket list. If it happens, that's great. Will be another nut on my sundae, but that's about all....See Morestargazzer
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