Not a lawyer so can't give advice. Only wanted to say that this husband is appalling. Can she use what little money she has to hire a Private Detective who can substantiate her claims should it come to court?

If I were her, I'd probably just want to get as far away from him as possible and take the kids with me. He's trying to get custody??? I would just leave... go to as far away as possible without breaking laws and face facts that it will be a diminished life until the courts can work it out.

what a horrible story... I'm so sorry for your cousin. I hope someone has some good advice for you.

WOW! Did the husband ask for the divorce while they were in the kitchen?
What does this topic have to with the kitchen forum?

Seriously go to www.nolo.com. They have all self help legal books for the consumer. The books are written in simple english by reputable lawyers. Start the research there before you pick a lawyer. At least you will know whats what before you go to a lawyer.

mamad, private detective is a good idea but she is so out of money. Her husband HAS behaved appallingly and because he's got deep pockets, he can afford to run her around and wait for her to crash and burn. It's absolutely horrifying to watch.

gitanoel, thanks for nolo.com--I'll tell her to check it out. Her husband doesn't just want the kitchen, he wants the whole house! Seriously, I know my post has nothing to do with kitchens--it's just been on my mind. I've been on this forum a lot lately and I've noticed that people occasionally post random questions and get helpful answers. (Like yours!)

I am not a lawyer but hope one responds to your post because this just doesn't seem fair or right for your cousin and especially the kids to have to go through this.

What does your cousin's lawyer say about the husband paying sporadic child support? Shouldn't the lawyer be hauling this guy's butt back into court to demand that he pay what he owes? Couldn't he go back to the court and have the husband declared a deadbeat and have child support payments garnished from his wages? For the court to have ordered child support arrangements they must be aware of his finances so I can't imagine it would be easy for him to hide his finances from the judge.

jerzee, her lawyer DOES haul his butt into court regularly, but my cousin has to pay her to do it--$400/hr, plus court costs (I don't know what those are). So she has to spend money she doesn't have to get the money she's rightfully owed. It's completely mind-boggling to me that this is the way things proceed; it seems so totally unfair.

Guardian ad litum? I thought guardian ad litum is appointed by the court system.

Your cousin should hire a forensic accountant to check the husbands assets. Forensic acountants are thorough and also good at unlocking hidden activity in the finances. This works best as a surprise tactic. If the other side is aware of it right away they start to rearrange. It is a surprise tactic that is beneficial to your cousin in the financial settlement . If your husband owns a business get the business appraised. Forget the detectives/

I recall watching an episode of Buy Me! a real estate show produced by Debbie Travis that chronicles the process of people trying to sell their homes where there was a woman living in an affluent neighbourhood on the verge of bankruptcy because she spent all her money to keep this house (she was working part-time at the Starbucks despite having a college degree because she wanted to be home for her school age children). At 7 and 14 the kids are in school all day, lots of women love their children and are good mothers and have full-time jobs. If circumstances allow that you don't have to work outside of the home that's terrific but if those circumstances change you need to change with them. It's just a house and it is community property, for her own well being she is probably better off taking the proceeds from the sale and buying something new that isn't filled with the memories of their life as a family.

I lived through a parental divorce and I doubt very much that her children (particularly the 14 year old) don't know what is going on and just wish it would be over. She should agree to sell the house for a fair price - if he wants to buy her out she should let him. She's entitled to and deserves child spport and alimony but she should also be formulating a plan for how she will support herself long term. The more co-operative and willing she is to expedite things (without giving up what she is entitled to) the better she will appear to whoever oversees the divorce.

Kids are different but nothing would have made me stay with my father - my Mom could have lived under a bridge and that still would have been where I wanted to be. My sympathies to her and best wishes to her in realizing it's over (and that it is a very good thing for both her and her childen) and moving on.

I'm no lawyer, but a few questions/comments:

What state does she live in?

If he is to be paying court-ordered support (temporary or otherwise) and he does not pay, there should be a recourse through the courts (garnishing his wages is the first thing that comes to mind). Again, this depends on the state in which she lives.

Does the support he is sporadically paying for supporting your cousin, the kids, or both?

If he buys her out of the house, why is she going to end up in a crappy apartment? Wouldn't he have to give her fair market value for her interest in the home? All of this would be worked out in the divorce settlement.

Did the separation agreement make contingencies for him not paying the mortgage or the support?

Since he wants the house, and I would guess to marry the girlfriend, doesn't your cousin have the upper hand since she has two major things he wants?

They both have lawyers - they should be working out the custody agreement as well as an agreement regarding the assets.

Who told them to hire a guardian ad litum?

A guardian ad litum is hired/appointed to represent the interests of a minor child in a custody situation. I do not think this is something her husband can decide not to do. Her lawyer should be making sure this is done. It is for the interests of her children and to protect them from this situation.

Why can't she switch lawyers? If she is going to have to pay attorney's fees, doesn't it make more sense to pay a better lawyer the fees than a lawyer she does not feel is adequately representing her best interests?

trav86: Wouldn't it be nice if her lawyer could arrange it so that every time she has to go to court, the almost-ex-husband has to pay court costs and her attorney fees? Especially if the judge sees the ex-husband's actions as punitive towards the kids and/or frivolous.

What state does she live in? That's important because it determines how the property is owned.

Wow. What does this have to do with kitchens? Your cousin should probably be getting advice somewhere other than 2nd hand from a kitchens forum.

She needs a shark. Someone who will nail his balls to the wall. Someone that will get his wages garnished and will paint him (to the court) as a selfish ba$tard who is trying to starve his wife and children into settlement. A bully who wastes the court's time by not paying support that was ordered and that he can clearly afford. She should be going after the husband to get him to pay for her lawyer (this is actually common where one party is the wage earner). She should not move out of that house. And he can dream all he wants about moving into the house with all 4 kids, but unless she relinquishes custody or he wins custody that isn't happening.

There is a lot here we don't know. Is there a prenup, how long were they married, has she always earned so little, does she have the potential to earn much more, etc.

Weak lawyers are a very bad thing. I am an attorney, but not a divorce attorney. I just negotiated a child support settlement for a friend (as a favor, she couldn't afford an attorney). The utter ineptitude of her ex's attorney amazed me. This person was a divorce attorney and she had absolutely no stomach for it. She didn't understand how to negotiate. There are many different types of lawyers, but to be certain types you have to be able to stomach the "fight".

Tell her to hire someone who specializes in higher profile divorces where there are a lot of assets at stake, not your standard "100,000 combined income" attorney.

This is not legal advice...

Forensic accountant--good idea.

caryscott, she doesn't want to stay in the house and would agree to let him buy her out instantly, but the financial arrangements can't even be discussed until the parenting agreement is in place, according to CT law. He's trying to use her desperate financial condition (which he exacerbates by withholding the support) to pressure her into giving in to anything he wants. She is willing and eager--and looking--to get a better paying job, but she was someone who tried to be an actress before she was married (she's 49 now) and has no career to return to.

kitchenredo, she lives in CT. There is recourse through the courts, but it's very slow--they don't work on a my-mortgage-payment-is-due-Monday-and-I-need-the-money-yesterday schedule. The support is for the both cousin and kids.

Crappy apartment--they have very little equity in their house. Real estate has collapsed and they'd be lucky to end up with $100,000 in profit, which would have to be split.

Separation agreement may have made those contingencies. I don't know. I only know that he's borderline sociopathic and doesn't think he has to abide by any agreements, even those he's signed in court.

Cousin would have the upper hand, but her husband isn't in any hurry, it seems.

Some court official told them to get the guardian ad litum. Husband agreed in presence of the official. The lawyers neglected to get the order signed by a judge, and now husband is reneging and they have to go back to court again to get it signed.

She likes her lawyer pretty well and doesn't really want to switch (I think she should). She owes her something like $10,000 at this point and would have to pay it right away if she switched, I think.

It is more important that your attorney does a good job representing your interests, not that you like him/her. The saddest part is that there are minor children involved and it does not sound as though their interests are being represented.

Could she switch to another attorney in the practice? Perhaps she could work out a payment schedule with her attorney.

You mention that the husband has "deep pockets" -- then if her lawyer is any good she should be able to get some of those assets.

The best person to give her advice is her attorney. If she is satisfied, then that is her decision. I don't mean to sound cold, but the reality is she is a grown woman and has to decide what is best for her and her kids. That doesn't mean it will be easy for friends and family to watch her make decisions that could be detrimental to her or her children's financial, emotional, or legal well-being.

Just try to support her. This is a tough time and she will get through it. She is lucky to have such a concerned, caring cousin.

See the link below for information about divorce and family law in CT

You cousin needs a better lawyer. $400/hr is on the high side and she should have a shark for that amount. The fact that she's not getting court-ordered child support should be enough to garnish the husband's wages or throw him in jail - many states have strong dead-beat dad laws.

Divorce takes victims - occupies time, money, emotions and there are no winners in the end.

Does the husband really want custody? or does he want to punish your cousin in some fashion and/or not be on the hook for child support

If your cousin has been primary care giver, he will not get custody. The sporadic support payments make no sense, in any state. It is an equation x amt % of earnings order is set by court period - Regardless of the custody issue this should be enforced - why it is not at this point is baffling & disturbing to say the least.

Additionally, the court can order the husband to pay the mortgage as well. If the family was living in the home prior to the separation and he was responsible for payments they can order the same - while the permanent agreement gets hammered out.

Same holds true for their schooling, lessons, extracuricular activities - they are entitled to the same level prior to the separation.

If she is Ok w/leaving the house, then have it appraised and let the husband give her, her fair market share -
She has right to continue to provide her children the same quality of life they experienced during the marriage - So, find another home on the other side of town, or further and rent it out - billed to the husband if the court will agree.
The guardian ad litum issue is also disturbing
"Some court official told them to get the guardian ad litum. Husband agreed in presence of the official. The lawyers neglected to get the order signed by a judge, and now husband is reneging and they have to go back to court again to get it signed." Sounds like a Mickey Mouse court, with Minnie Mouse attorneys -

Who made the recommendation? and on what basis? - If the court records demonstrate this statement - why would you need to go back & pay more fees? If a judge ordered it, it is simply review of transcript and request he pony up

This sounds like a circus of sorts, then again, divorce, courts, legal battles frequently are - the beneficiaries are the lawyers, et al - never the children. Your cousin needs to get a backbone and stop playing the victim role. She needs to decide what is best for her, and her children and move on and away from the psycho husband. If he has visitation and the children are at risk in any way, simply call the police - That would make a statement to both the husband and to her children that she means business. They need to feel safe. The 14 yr old can make the call - unless he/she has been trained to don the victim blanket - Puh..lease -
The longer the victim blanket feels comfy - the longer this will drag on and the more $$ will be spent.

If your cousin decides she wants to move on with her life, then she can take charge of the circus that is now taking every energy. Her children need to see a stable and strong parent - they already have the consequence of divorce working against them. When/if that day comes she can counter all of the requests -i.e. yes, you are welcome to buy my share out - $x amt, and the rent for the home is x/monthly.

Does she "like" her attorney because he is expediting the job in an efficient manner or because he is helping her emotionally? Had to ask - I've seen WAY toooooo many atty's take full advantage here.

Your cousin needs a tough love approach - it's not about her, it's not about him - it is about the children the most vulnerable victims in this process. She needs to set aside ALL of her own stuff and move forward on their behalf the father certainly doesn't sound as if he is capable. Forget the psycho, drinking, bad behavior issues - they went on during the marriage, she was powerless to stop them then, what makes her think she suddenly has power to do anything about those behaviors now? - It's not about his behaviors - she can be protected from them and so can the children - Only when she chooses to be

GOOD LUCk

kitchenredo and jejvtr are spot on. Your cousin is in an entanglement that involves the cold, blind (hopefully) judicial system. She needs to gets beyond the touchy-feely liking and feeling and make tactical decisions - separate of feelings - that will achieve HER goals for the termination of this marriage. As jejvtr says absolutely unequivocally, the radical shift that needs to occur is in her thinking vis-a-vis this case - she needs to get beyond being the victim and start taking charge. Starting with a new attorney. At the rate she's paying the attorney, the attorney can be a whole lot more competent and get results a whole lot more expeditiously.

My cousin went through something similar (no kids, but an avaricious demanding layabout of an ex-husband) a few years ago. She is quick to play the victim and since I was the nearest family I stepped in to help her out. Main thing I did was to shake the victim complex out of her and to get her pointed to attorneys and collecting/documenting assets etc. It took a while but when she stepped up, she stepped up with a vengeance. She did eventually find an attorney with authority and that made a world of difference. But the key was getting the cousin to realize that her only options aren't the ones that "he" presents to her and that she does have some control of the events. The key is to get HER to latch onto that realization.

Thanks so much to everyone for your input. I think my cousin HAS cast herself in the victim role and can't see beyond it. Hearing other people's take on this gives me some good ideas about how talk to her about it. I apologize for posting this on a kitchen forum--it's very out of character for me. But it's one thing to rehash the events again and again with one's friends and family, and another to get outsiders' perspectives. Thanks again.

There are 2 sides to every story and then there is the truth.