"Then he said, we only got married so I could be on his health insurance policy, so no need to tell anyone."

and that doesn't worry you??????

If
1) he can't tell his kids
2) his kids weren't AT the wedding or involved
3) you're married 'just for insurance'

I would seek an annulment...there's just too many red flags here.

He actually didnt say that we only get married for insurance, he said he thought we had agreed living togethor was fine, but we had to get married becuase he wanted me to have insurance. It didnt sound so bad when he said it.

He must be a real charmer because it sounds bad to me.

I wouldn't marry someone who wouldn't tell his kids about me...before the wedding. That would make me feel like although I'm good enough for him, I'm not good enough for the kids to know.

On the other hand, now that it's too late to tell them before the wedding, telling them now might be extra awkward and sticky.

A few questions:

-How old are the kids? (I'm guessing under 18 if they're living with their mom, but depending on HOW young it could make a difference in a few ways...)

-How far away do they live? (This could help you a tad if they live far enough away. Then "their school schedule" could be used, at least partially, as an excuse for why they weren't invited, as in: "We didn't want to disrupt your school schedule.")

-Was your wedding ceremony a big deal with lots of people or a relatively low-key gathering with just a few people, like at the local courthouse or something? (If it was a big ceremony you'll have a harder time telling the kids b/c they will soon find out it was a big ceremony and they weren't part of it. If it was smaller, you can do what my Dad and SM said to avoid too many questions and save face: just tell people they wanted it "low key", "so people [including all friends and family, or so they said] wouldn't have to disrupt their lives" to make it there.)

In any event, the longer you wait to tell them, the harder it will be for you (or DH) to do so, and the more hurt they will feel. I think DH should be the one to tell them. And he probably shouldn't tell them "it was for the insurance"... but he should come up with at least some kind of face-saving excuse as to why they weren't included. Even if they know it's b.s. (which they will), it's at least some kind of explanation. It's not a great situation, no matter what, but I think the damage can be minimized or made up for in the future... **IF** DH is honest with them ASAP about the wedding, and if he starts taking you AND his kids more seriously, acknowledging BOTH as more important to his life, and worthy of certain considerations, than he is doing now. Then, in time, eevrybody involved will feel more loved and respected. I don't think, in other words, that telling the kids after the fact hAS to spell doom for everyone's relationship with each other forever. But NOT telling the kids could really do some long-term harm, all around.

1. Teens

2. Next town over, but see 3 below

3. Extremely small, destination wedding outside of US.

I also suspect he hasnt told his family (very small family, parents, sister).

"It didnt sound so bad when he said it."

Con artists are usually very charming...

I'd beware of any man/woman that would get married without his children knowing. If you've been in his life 5+ years, I'd assume they've met you. Why is it 'secret'? Is he ashamed of it? I get the creeps from what's been said so far. Aside from making you the secret wife, he's being very unfair to his kids. How does he think they will react when they find out he kept it from them?

Helenar,

Everyone - go back and read Helenar's prior posts.

Well, actually your #3 answer might help you in terms of softening the blow. Since that definitely WOULD be travel that would be more time/expense than many people would want to commit to. They might still be upset that they weren't invited or told beforehand, but at least the destination wedding outside the U.S. is a valid excuse for wanting to keep it small. If you put it to them that it was like the honeymoon with the wedding thrown in, it's more understandable why you'd want to be alone. Like I said, it's never going to be a perfect set of circumstances, but it's already been done... AT LEAST it wasn't a big ceremony practically in their backyard. And again, if DH starts showing more respect & consideration for everyone's feelings, I don't think this has to be an insurmountable issue, based on the circumstances you've stated.

There's a whole lot of 'backstory' on this one...

- Helenar first showed up here complaining that her BF and his daughter were pressuring her to get a job. Her comments on that post indicated that he had more than enough money to support her, so why should she have to work? After all, he supported his daughters and his Ex-wife, and all of his friend's wives spent their days at the country club. Why not her?

- Later in that thread, it came out that she was The Other Woman who got involved with BF while he was still married to his long-time wife. In that post and several others, Helenar defended her actions saying the marriage was "dead" and that the Ex-wife was a "fat cow" who had "let herself go" and "had no taste" and that she deserved to lose her man if she couldn't hold onto him, along with other assorted lovely comments.

- On another thread, she whined about her 'back of the church' seating for BF's daughter's wedding and blamed the daughter and ExWife for treating her poorly, even though they (not her rich BF) were paying for the wedding. That thread included several more gracious comments about Ex-wife's physical appearance, and the assertion that she (Helenar) had such good taste that the daughter really should have asked her (not her own mother) to help plan the wedding.

There's been more over the years, but those are the highlights. Now to this post:

- My bet is that he hasn't told his family and friends because he's acutely embarassed that he actually married you. He knows how they regard your character and past behavior, and he's afraid of how they will judge him for making a legal commitment to you now. I'm guessing they have you pegged as a shameless gold-digger, and will think him a fool for marrying.

Frankly, I'm amazed...

There is no need to get testy. I signed an iron clad prenup and get next to nothing if I divorce (he says he gave up enough the first time around) and very little upon his death. So, I am clearly NOT a gold digger. But thank you for your comments anyway. I think it shows my character that I was willing to sign a prenup, and the X apparently did not.

so his parents and sister do not know either? i would understand about kids, but everybody else??? is he embarassed that he married you, or what? not telling his sister? does his family dislike you or what?

I agree with June...go back and read her posts over the years. It will be quite clear why he hasn't told his family.

Not company!

I would make call an investigator and make sure he was not still married to "someone" AND seek an annulment.

I wanted to add to my post above. After my husband and I got engaged, he suggested we live together to be sure. Soo, I put the ring where he would find it and left. We were not living together. He worked very hard to find me that evening, apologized and said no more about delaying. No way would I have married someone who wanted to keep it quiet. You're husband is afraid of something.

I have seen copy of divorce cert (from state), plus it would be insurance fraud to put me on policy. I know everything is legal.

Jonesy, you may be right -- he is afraid kids will be mad at him. that is only thing I can think of.

Please everyone, ready sweeby's post above and do your own research before you give her advice. This poster really stirkes a chord with me - Helenar is the type of stepmom that TOS and KKNY have generalized a lot of SMs on this forum into.

I'm amazed that this guy married helenar! I thought he would come to his senses...

I'm not normally a nasty person... So I did a quick search for Helenar's old posts to make sure I hadn't characterized her unfairly.

I don't believe I have.

Here are some 'gems' from other threads:

"Background -- Live with BF -- he has 16 SD. ... X and BF both make good money -- both lawyers. BF makes more, but says he has to save more for retirment becasue he gave 1/2 his pension to X. They were married for 28 years, but last 5 the marriage was dead. ...
My problem is that when I met BF, I was working. Have lost job. Hard to find antoher, and dont see why I have to work -- BF makes plenty, much more than i could if i get job. Meanwhile rotten SD, who blames me for breaking up marriage, goes on about how tough her mom has it, having to work full time and take care of her. If mom had done a decent job rasing SD, a 15 yr old shouldnt be htat much work. BF is taking this out on me -- yelling at me to get a job, in front of SD. "

"Most of his friends wives' dont work at all. So it is not that unusual in his cricle for me not to."

"The real issue is money, and how I convince him that as little as I earn it is not a big deal. He is just being mean"

"The good news is that she doesnt spend much time with BF when I am around...."

"I did not cause him to see SD less, that was her decesion. She is making all the issues, all the drama (probably with her fat cow mom coaching her)."

" I keep up my appearance, unlike X, who has let herself go."

==========================

"I have been with her dad for about 5 years. Living with him for 2. When BM (bi**h mom) moved out, she took SD (now 16) and SD25 was at college....

So these are the plans right now. Future Inlaws of SD25 and BM will pay for all wedding costs ... POROVIDED I sit in back in church. BM will sit in front wiht her family. FDH can either sit at far side or first row, or in second row on aisle. If he sits in second row, his relatives wll be with him, but not me. "

"FDH is saying he doesnt care. He will get to give away FSD, he doesnt want to upset wedding etc. He doesnt have to pay. "

"I have much better taste than BM (very overweight), and have no daughters, and would love to help SD with wedding."

"His family still calls X, and his mom says X is still part of her family (long term marriage). ... BM is a piece of work. Either she doesnt date, or doesnt let FSDs know. Her date at the wedding will be her brother (not married, lives out of town), so she can continue this Mother Teresa act of the wronged woman."

"FDH doesnt have many friends, X drove them away. He used to have close friends at work, but between their wives being friends with X and him being semi-retired, there wont be many at the wedding. His brother and his GF, who is also a cow, are too busy trying to curry favor with the FSDs or the X. "

=====================

"Just because DH and BM both work and I wont be, why should I have to lift a finger."

"A marriage is about sharing. Do you a pre-nup? My sons have been kind and respectful to my DH. His daughter has been awful. My expectation is that my DH will leave at least half of his property to me. He had promised more to daughter, but she has been mean and disrepctuful. why shouldnt my sons share equally? He gave plenty to the X in divorce. She can take care of daughter. "

===============

"Get real. Accept that once dad remarries, the kids from the first marriage get the shaft. That is a fact of life, and the sooner you accept it, the better off you will be. Didnt you see Cinderella. Concentrate on making your own way in the world -- get a job and a husband"

" It is not about you, or anything you have done. Your father has moved on. Your sm doesnt want you and doesnt owe you anything. She is not your mom. You are going to be left out in the cold so get used to it."

================

"if you hadnt let yourself go, you wouldnt have to deal with GF. "

=====================

"I would do it again. ... My first was never a success, not a professional man. I started work, first as a secretary, but worked my way up. I met DH throug work. His marriage was dead. At first we were friends, then lovers. Things have not gone well with SD, but she doesnt spend much time with him. Doesnt have a key to our house. I am happy wiht my life. "

====================

"Oh big deal. Guiliani is the major candidate for the Republican nomination for president and he announced he was having an affair for a year, and wanted a divorce, at a press conference. So big deal, his kids dont speak to him and wont campaign for him.
His new wife has it all. "

"Men have a right to move on. That Guiliana is a leading candidate shows that. He owes nothing to x and to children. He has a right to decide his own life."

====================

"I am not the only SAHM who wont work and wont take care of skids. If BM was so fat and stupid she lost her husband, not my problem."

"Oh please get real, Most SMs hate the skids. ... they are happy when they are gone. they want skids gone
get real -- THIS IS LIFE -- deal with it"

"I had relationship with SO after his marriage was dead, and now SD thinks I am scum of the earth. She will do anything she can to break up marriage -- and I suspect BM is behind this. Fortunately she is rarely at our hosue and life is fine when she isnt here."

"Con artists are usually very charming..."

I misspoke, HE'S not the con artist. But, womanizer's are equally charming. and what advice would you like?

Don't sleep with a married man w/children and expect more than this.... I wouldn't marry someone that wasn't willing to yell from the rooftops, his love for me.

As the saying goes:

1)When you lay down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
or
2)you made your bed, now lie in it.

Take your pick.

I love this. I now believe there is justice in the Universe. It sounds like you got exactly what you deserve. It will get better, I'm sure, when in five years or so he cheats on you with a younger and hotter woman. Since he is an attorney the prenup is likely iron clad. You are a fool if you don't work and you have a prenup that gives you very little. What will you do when you are 55 and he dumps you for a 35 year old?

I am sure he didn't tell his family because the only reason he married you was to shut you up. And I am sure his children will be thoroughly POed when they find out, as they rightly should be.

If you were the woman that broke up my parents' marriage (hypothetically, my parents were married until one died) you would not be attending the wedding, not even from the back row.

I remember helenar all your previous posts and you cheated with this man before he was officially divorced. You are the other woman to begin with. So dont' complain about your Dh not telling his kids he married you. It was a small wedding because the fact is, YOUR THEOTHER WOMAN. So who is going to support this wedding? Obviously a small crowd.
I dont care if his marriage was dead for the last 5 years. There are ups and downs in my marriage. Does that give me the right to go F someone else and start seeing someone else while having kids? NO!
You signed a iron clad contract. Good for you. I'm not saying you are a gold digger. Cause u signed it. BUT, you didn't want to work and you wanted him to support you. His kids and exwife probably thought you were a leach.
I'm not saying you are one. I do not know you well enough to say that about your character.
But from your previous posts, about sitting in the back of the church etc.e.tc.. and now complaining that your DH wont show off your marriage to him. It began on questionalbe terms to begin with .I'm surprised he married you . Yes he may have fallen in love. and you may be great together helenar. BUt you both got together while he was still married. Stillunder contract. Your foundations were built on cracked ground. Dont cry wolf now.
You built it this way with hiim. Now live with the consequences.

The comments on your previous posts really bothered me. I now see where people get their ideas about "wicked stepmothers". I do not understand how you can be so awful to dh's kids and then cry about how everyone treats you!

So you were the other woman. That is bad, but if you
would have came into the picture as you said (after the marriage was dead) and had been kind to sd's you may have had a chance at a decent life with dh. But you broke up his marriage (even if it was dead you still helped inch him away from any type of reconciliation with his wife) and then you tried to break his relationship up with his children. I find it disgusting when a woman is so insecure that she tries to come between a man and his children!

What I have seen though, is whenever someone is TOW or TOM they are always going to be insecure. Reason being you did not get the prize...you got a cheater who will probably do it to you and you know that there is a chance of that happening!

You need to take a long look at what you have become and change before it is too late. If you want this marriage to work then you need to be kind to his family, starting with his children! Otherwise eventually you will be the one pushed aside by him.

Where's KKNY and TOS? This is their perfect chance to get on the soapbox!

Ok, since you asked. I dont have any suggestions.

But it does seem to me that this arrangement started off as living together. I think a lot of older people decide living togethor v. married taking into account a lot of things, inlcuding social security, prenups, insurance, etc etc. Honestly, at my age, I am not certain I would ever marry again. What I suspect is that DH of OP originally wanted to live togethor (and I dont throw stones at anyone for that, at least not people old enough not to have children), but then became concerned about insurance. Where I live insuarnace is very expensive.

I think she should catch her breath, and decide would she happy living with this guy without being married. Becuase it seems to me that is what is going on.

I'm curious KKNY --

You've always been very kind toward this particular OP on all of her outrageous posts, even though the actions she's admitted to are astoundingly similar to those of TOW who destroyed your marriage. You clearly don't have any extra goodwill towards your Ex's GF (not that I'm suggesting you should).

If you don't mind my asking -- Why is that?

I didnt realize I was being nice, just not responding. Actually this poster almost leaves me speechless. I havent said a lot, because:

1. I dont see her trying to a lot with stepchildren. Good or bad.

2. I'm not certain what she wants. Does she want her DH to tell family and friends she is married, or does she want advice how to handle him not telling.

I hadn't responded because I thought you guys were doing a great job without me.

LOL - TOS, that made me crack up. I laughed so hard I scared the cat!
I get such a kick out of you when you're not stereotyping all SMs as all being like Helen! As much as you can make me cranky, I really like how you make me laugh :)

I sat here and read everyones post and this is what I see. First of all you are not a disgrace to SM. YOU are a disgrace to women period!!! No wonder SD isnt around! You want him to brag about a woman like you. OMG, I wouldn't be telling anyone about you either if I were him. I cant believe you expect anyone to give you anything.
When two people enter in a marrage or any kind of bond with some one it is a 50/50 deal. You work together you compromise. You dont want to do any of it you are a give me give me person. So what you signed a prenup big deal. You are still trying to be another lazy a** woman who wants everything handed to them and can't see why they get left behind. lol you are funny!! And I expect when he finally gets tired of your childish ways he will dump you, you and you will come crying on a forum and then you will be told, "If you hadnt let your self go you wouldnt have to worry about GF". Get over it It is LIFE!! Life will be your teacher and for women like you it is a hard lesson.
SD dont like you.......hum BM behind it....... UH NO that child is old enough to see a peice of s*** when she sees one and guess who she is looking at. What ever you get what you get.