Husband wont stay home when his kids visit

15 years ago

My husband and I have one child together. He has 2 from previous relationships...we didnt find out about one of them until after we were married. He gets them every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday night. My problem is that he still wants to hang with his buddies or go hunting or whatever on those weekends. I have a big problem with this because I think the kids are here mainly to see HIM, not me. This causes many fights between us. He gets mad and says I dont like his kids, which is partially true. I have no problem with his son (the one I knew about before we got married) but his daughter is the most hateful, rude selfish child I have ever met. Even his family doesnt want to be around her. Sorry, I got off track. Anyhoo, I tell my husband if he's not going to be home then he shouldnt get the kids. He thinks there's nothing wrong with leaving the kids with me. What do I do? What can I say to him to make him understand what he's doing isn't right? If I only saw MY child every other weekend I'd be glued to him the whole time!

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Comments (9)

silversword
15 years ago
Start making plans every other weekend.
justmetoo
15 years ago
" What do I do?"

Buy the kids hunting gear and have them packed and ready to head out at dawn? LOL

No, seriously. This in not necessarily a Skid issue, it's a 'time to grow-up' issue with DH.

You have one child together...even if the other two kids never came over, how much time does DH plan on spending with this child? How about family time and outings?

The next time he looks at you angry and says 'you don't like my kids'...look him eye to eye and ask "Don't you"? DH is using this as a childish ploy to guilt you into playing babysitter for him while he runs off and plays 'single guy without responsibilities'.

Not going to get better until you work out the REAL issue. DH wants to have his cake and eat it too so to say. Time to man up and accept he has three kids.

Wonder what would happen if you decided to take off with buddies the next weekend and announce that DH is babysitting all the kids.

I do not have stepkids in my home (grown up and moved away) but my DH and I have one last 10 yr old at home and he knows he has pretty much equal "Daddy Duty". I have no problems with him doing time with events such as hunting, but he is also very willing to tend kids when I go off somewhere. Evening homework duty, dinner duty blah blah blah...I did not have a child by myself and I am not raising one by myself...it's been our understanding since the beginning 30 some odd years ago.

You either have to work out this issue with him, or not whine over it (not that you were whining). DH can only run over you if you let him. What's he gonna do if you take your child and yourself off for a long weekend to visit your parents? Hire a sitter?
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Thanks everyone for your insight and input. Your comments fit right in with what friends tell me but I kind of wanted to get an unbiased opinion from people who don't know me. I have to agree that the whole thing is creepy and fishy. I cannot imagine not seeing or contacting my children for such a long time in the first place, but of course he says that is all my fault. I can't imagine not wanting to spend every second with them if I hadn't seen them in such a long time. He is such a creep. I have heard over and over again that I had no right to "take his children" away from him and that because of ME he has no relationship with them. Ummm...not buying that one buddy. When I was growing up I had one Grandma in the UK, one across the country and both of them managed to create and maintain a relationship with me back in the days when there was no email, no free/cheap long distance, and certainly little face-to-face contact. I seldom saw them but when I did we were comfortable with each other because we had a long-standing relationship. Why were my Grandmothers able to do that and my ex is not able to do so with his own children?? Because it was a priority to my Grandmas to nurture a bond and it obviously isn't a priority for him. He takes the easy way out by blaming it on someone else. Unfortunately what this entire situation has taught me is that the legal system is really, really messed up. Even though he has abused and stalked me, I CANNOT keep him away from his children because he has never "harmed" his children. I was warned of that in court by the judge who oversaw our case...my God, how could his behavior have NOT harmed our children? So the option of not allowing unsupervised visits is really not an option. As many of you already know, the court will not back me up until AFTER something happens. That really sucks. Anyway, I've decided that I will email him and tell him that his plans are not acceptable. I will drop the boys off and pick them up...haven't decided if it will be at the hotel or at the police station. I'm going to stop by the station this week and find out what the police would be willing to do...actually I had already planned on explaining the situation to them in advance of his arrival but I need to check if I can do the drop off/pick up there. My boyfriend has already insisted that he be with me no matter where the exchange occurs, even if it is the police station.
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jess3
15 years ago
My husband is an avid hunter. During the fall he is gone a little over a month if you add up all the different trips he makes. These trips sometimes fall on weekends he gets his kids. He tries to schedule around the kids but each season is differents and it depends on teh tag that he has drawn. Anyway I do not get the kids when he is gone. The visitaion is for them to spend time with their Dad not me.
Thankfully my DH agrees and does not expect me to have his kids all weekend without him being there. Sometimes the girls & I will go do something while the boys spend the morning, dayor evening hunting but not all weekend.

I agree with silver. Start making plans.
I plan my weekends that we have kids like any other weekend (around ball games of course). I have learned that a little quiet time to myself or with just my friends helps me be better with the kids when they are there.
mom2emall
15 years ago
I am surprised that his ex's don't make an issue of this. I would certainly have a problem with my son going to see his dad eow and actually spending the whole time with someone else while his dad went out with buddies.

I also wonder why your husband goes out so much? When people get married and have families they should be the number one priority....not buddies. If you continue to allow this behavior he will continue it. People only go as far as they know they can with things. So you need to stop it soon. Maybe a taste of his medicine. When his kids are there you leave!
lovehadley
15 years ago
Ditto Silver.
ulrike1
15 years ago
Wait, he goes out and plays, leaving you home with three small children, two of them not yours, one of them troubled (as it sounds)? If you were to tell him this is unacceptable, what would he do?

When he says "you don't like my kids," he is trying to guilt trip you. You can respond, "I care deeply about your children and want what is best for them, which is for you to care for them as a father, not a sperm donor. I do not feel that I can properly meet their needs with a three to one ratio. On the weekends your two children are with their mothers, I feel qualified to care for my own child, so you can play on those weekends, though I myself would also enjoy some play time now and again."
parent_of_one
15 years ago
your DH clearly is not ready to have any children (yet already has 3??), I think it was rather brave of you to have a child with him when he is not taking care of the first two.

I think the issue is not with his kids, but with the fact that he does not want to be around his family, you and the kids, his, or his and yours together. He is not family/marriage material.

I don't know how old he is. My exDH was this way in his 20s being constantly gone with bunch of sport teams and his friends, but he matured since. If your DH is very young then i see hope but if not, then first i would stop watching his kids, then I would start thinking if that's the kind of life i want for myself and my child...
susie53_gw
15 years ago
The next weekend his kids are to come make sure he has to go pick them up. Have your plans made and be gone when he comes home. Leave a nice note on the table telling them to have a great weekend and you will see them on Sunday evening. He'll get the point. If he calls you just tell him nicely you wanted him to be able to spend some time alone with his kids. And that you were only thinking of him..
mom2emall
15 years ago
Susie I love that idea!! I know the poster has a child with her husband, but she could take the child on a weekend visit to a relatives home with her. Show dh how it feels to be stuck at home while someone else just decides to leave without discussing it or taking anyone elses feelings into account. Also I would start planning some evenings out with my girlfriends so DH can see what it feels like when you want to leave and go out with your buddies all the time.

Husband wont stay home when his kids visit

Comments (9)

silversword

justmetoo

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