Are you 100% sure he's actually divorced from wife #1?
100% sure meaning you've seen the papers or other legal documents, not that he's said so...

And I'm terribly sorry, but any marriage one spouse won't acknowledge is, IMO, unlikely to endure...

Him being sick, i cant say he cant see his kids, but if he "moves out" the x will go crazy and snatch kids. Hes hanging by a thread with health and he has not told his children. Im very very hurt, and if i say anything he says he dont have time for bs, cant we just get along and laugh and enjoy each other. Its my fault for ever letting someone that deep into my soul. i was raped by my babysitters husband 3 months ago, and my hubby was out of town working, he came back, i kicked those people out. now i cant work, i got 4 kids and a 9$ an hour job, i cant afford a sitter to even go to work, state is out of funding for assistance. no family here. the only family that ever gave me the time a day was my dad n he died from cancer 3 years ago.my husband made me feel so beautiful and confident, but then i dont know what happened. i always do everything he asks no matter what it is, no matter how tired i am. im a good woman, never cheat, never even think of it. i use to just get the attention, now i feel like i have to beg for it. he cant answer my calls cuz the x is there or kids. oh and sometimes his kids watch min, the big ones, they think we r working but we just really spend that time together. he says he need to move slow. im in school working my way to being a nurse. he makes out like when im dont with that he wil tell them all. but i dont think i can hang that long. u cant let these things slide and b ok when clearly isnt. i got no job, live on school loans w 4 kids. i dont know anyone here, i got no one to talk to. i lie to everyone who asks abt him, i hate that.

Please look into his story. First thing I thought was, this guy is married still to his first wife.

you've been put in a horrible position by this man.

PS - does your husband know you were raped? did you report it to police? Have you gotten psychological help for it? Why do you not have a job?

You cannot go on like this - you're being manipulated big time.

francis - - - I simply don't understand why you're believing anything. I'm sitting here saying "you've got to be kidding me". I'm incredulous that you say he's living in his ex's house (and I'm positive that he's not divorced) and that she will take the kids away if he leaves the house. Huh? Absolutely nothing that you wrote makes sense. Read it youself and see if it makes sense to you. You're supposedly married to a man, but he lives with his (supposed) ex-wife and family, tells you he just wants to have fun (um, sounds like YOU were the affair, even if you don't realize it), his kids go to school with your kids and you know the other wife, etc.

C'mon.

By the way, is Francis your name? Usually, for a woman is spelled FrancEs and for a man it's FrancIs. My mother taught me to remember it by 'her' (using an E) for a woman and "him" (using an I for a man). Where are you from?

"We met at my 2nd fulltime job..."

"...now i cant work, i got 4 kids and a 9$ an hour job..."

"...i got no job..."

"...i cant afford a sitter to even go to work..."

"...im in school working my way to being a nurse..."

Bizarre.

Well to answer your question from the title of your post...he doesn't love you. No man that loves his "wife" would live with another woman and treat his "wife" the way he treats you. You don't really have a marriage. He has made his choice and it isn't you. You need to cut your losses and get out. NancyLouise

i was working 2 fulltime jons and my sitter family moved in with me, he was out of state working. sitters husband raped me, yes i turned it in and yes i called police, went to hosp and all that. the people tell me it could take years and its my word against his, and i cant stand thinking abt it everyday, i wouldnt make it. and well she watched my kids as i worked and i cleaned house bought and cooked all the food for rent. then i got no sitter cux i had to kick them out of course, lost my both my jobs cause people were wanting more than i made for daycare and daycare center was abt 1000 a week with my 80-90 hrs of work. so i had to stop work, lost my house. but all this time and b 4 this my hubby lived with me, it was only after he stopped work about a month ago that he started living with them, he did get me an apartment, paid the rent n all. i started goin to school online so i could get a better job and eventually afford daycare. today we just find out the heart attach his mom had shes not gona make it. his kids house is being lost, and ya thats happeneing to everyone. said to me today hes not trying to hurt me like everyone else in my life is, so i bettter think abt that b 4 i try and throw things at him, yes he knows abt the rape... he came home as fast as he could a few days later.. sent my kids to his kids house and took me to nevada for a week. cause ya i was falling apart. and twards end of stay was when we got married. but he worked out of state, home like a day a week w me. and now hes just so sick, heart issues to boot. i mean am i selfish? asking to much? i dont think i am

Francis - have you always had severe self-respect issues? Because you surely have them now if you think that the behavior you're reporting is Ok or think that you might be asking too much. Um, no.

Here is my take on this:

- he isn't divorced from his other wife nor does he have any intention of divorcing her
- his trips and time with you have been nothing other than an affair; he's cheating on his wife with you
- he got you an apartment and paid the rent? Refer to the other 2 bullets
- you're either blind or don't want to believe this. Or intensely naive

Do your 4 children live in the apartment with you? What do you do for money if you no longer work? How old are your children? Are you on public assistance or is your boyfriend (aka to you as husband) paying support for the whole family? How often does he visit you and how long does he stay?

Where does your family live? Do they know any of this? Are you in contact with them and have a relationship with them? You, my dear, are the person this man is (or was) having an affair with. You are not the wife.

Open your eyes - please! And for goodness sake, stop having children.

kids r 11, 10, 7 and 1... all from my x husband who doesnt pay support. im no longer able to have children. i got to school and live off that, well now i do. i got all the assistance law allows, but no babysitting help even from state. its out of funding.

of course my kids r with me, we, meaning me n kids live together always did. he doesnt really see me anymore feels like it. says has alot going on, and thats true... but ya a "wife" should b whats going on and isnt. maby his brain had a fart, or changed his mind. his plan or mine, i dont see either ending well. and i dont have the heart to lie for years to come, i hate lieing.. im real bad at it. n if anyone is gona get cought in a lie, it WILL happen to me.
pretty crappy deal, when i was like ok whatever stay, all the time with me, and now its like where r u, n i get ill b where im at excuse, or dont question me. yes sadly im somewhat nieve.

i was secluded from world till i was 25, so all this bad stuff is new to me. had no idea people could lie like that and hurt each other. my fam and i arent close, i left when i was young, alcoholic dad problems and been w my x for abt 12 years. and that kinda shot me out of the family. im a very nice person, always willing to help. but seem only people that get by well lie doing it. n ya, its a mess, and im abt done with it. im not bull@#%& and deserve better. but im certainly not looking for it. i dont need another man to come into our lives and f things up...again

Good for you. Now listen - do you have a marriage license? A marriage certificate? If you've been married before, you know that those are documents that are created when you get married. Do those exist for this marriage? I am, again, guessing not, because I don't think you're really married (you may think you are, but you're not, in my opinion).

If you DO have those, get yourself to a lawyer immediately. Or at least to family court.

S

"...only people that get by well lie doing it."

This is wrong to the point of being delusional -- a gross over-statement. And I don't see that lying to anyone about anything would help in any event.

No money except via school loans. No friends. No family. Can't work. Doesn't drive. State exhausted funds. Four kids under twelve. However, husband(?) paying for apartment and other support along the way. Except for that, you appear to be more-or-less destitute...unless there's more to this story.

Given these circumstances I'm not sure antagonizing the provider is the way to go. If he ever decides to discontinue support, things are going to be worse. Married or not, mistreated or not, there's only one place ANY support is coming from right now and there's nothing else on the horizon. Might want to tread lightly as opposed to trying to straighten him out. Regardless of your feelings about the injustice of it all or what you "deserve", according to your description this is all you've got. And it appears to be hanging by a thread. What you've got is better than being on the street, I think you would agree.

School loans are not for family support. That's most likely coming back to bite you.

"...goin to school online..."
"...in school working my way to being a nurse..."

Nursing degrees earned on-line these days? I must be out of touch.

Francis, I know you had a bad counseling experience, but if your story is accurate you desperately need some professional help to sort through your history. Your original counselor was a pastor. I recommend someone with a therapy degree.

Good luck.

I take it he left you for his exwife.

You have a 1-year-old and you've been with your supposedly husband for a year? how is it possible? it is not his child, right?

Finedreams, all that means is that there is a year and 9 months that she may not have been with her ex - her baby's father She could've met the new guy around the time that she gave birth to the other guy's child. It's entirely possible.

yes alot of basic college level courses and pre req's can be done online, 2 yrs of that and abt 1 1/2 yrs of nursing program. however the program isnt online.

OK, then....at least 3 1/2 years between now and a paycheck. How likely do you think it is that husband(?) will support you that long? Where you live do they have churches, community assistance services, etc., etc. that you could apply to? How close to the edge are you? Your posts make it sound like husbands(?) support is all there is. Do I have that right?

It seems to me that between current situation as you've described it and the loans you've taken and will likely continue to take, you've got a long road and a tough nut. You're going to need help. What are your possible options? Can you move someplace where there are more/better options?

lol, options are no longer a part of life. states assistance is very limited and getting less n less as the months go by. Yes it will take time, but i gotto start somewhere. I cant do anything with a 9$ an hr job, cant use it for food or rent or anything, its not even enough for daycare, so i have to do something better.

"I cant do anything with a 9$ an hr job, cant use it for food or rent or anything..."

Don't understand this. Why not?

What will you do for support between now and then if support from husband(?) disappears?

That is why I asked about non-governmental services and/or moving to someplace where more may be available. I don't think I understand what you're living on now except for school-loans and husband(?). Perhaps you're better off than I'm understanding.

"...i have to do something better."

Agreed. But you've described no particular skill-set or anything else you have to bring to the employment table....except, possibly, in 3 1/2 years if/when you become a nurse. That's a long time. On one hand you say you have no options. On the other hand you "have to start somewhere." Don't understand by what magic you're going to be able to survive in the interim. Apparently I'm missing something.

"...am i selfish? asking to much? i dont think i am..."

Asking of whom? To a great extent, the answer depends on whether one is doing the providing or the receiving. Everything you need has to come from somebody else. With no options and no apparent end in sight, those doing the providing may say that is a bit much, actually.

His family don't know about you because you are not married. He is with his wife. You aren't allowed to call or text because he is married. And how do you end up with 4 kids at 28! no job, no skills, no education, no child support and affair with a married man. You need professional help ASAP. You mus break the vicious cycle for the sake of your children.

because of daycare costs of 4 children. i wasnt gonna stay w my x who tryd to kill me, kids or no kids. money or not. cany move out of state via court order for both parents. i was married 10 years, its easy to have 4 kids. daycare is 30$ a day minimum perchild, 50 for baby. multiply that by 5 days a week and tell me if the enire check is even enough for daycare costs, muchless anything else.

Im not asking for money, that was never a question. An education is key for a dependable career. All the hardships during are a part of getting there, and its fo me and the children. sitting at a dead job that fires you bcuz of no sitter isnt gona make us survive. I need to make the money and deal with whatever comes along to get there.
Single mom, as I guess I am, has to just keep moving forward. Its quite rude to say

"how do you have 4 children at 28?"

Most who thought they were in a stable relationship often do, but things happen and people change. And I very well cant depend on someone else to do everything for me so I have to pave my own way. This post had nothing to do with money really yet it has become the center of attention.

Everyone is defferent, brought up different, treated different and from different backgrounds and have different beliefs. I was hoping for some words of wisdom, constructive critisism, or just a friend to talk to. Ive clearly come to the wrong place. Everyone in the world would rather pick u apart and tell u whats wrong but no one wants to stand up and tell what you can do, could do, and just b a friend. Its cool.

I guess this was expected.
Clearly changing the past isnt an option, and I told u so's arent helpful either. Everyone has made mistakes...everyone.. im certain im not the only one, least I want to do something about it.

"This post had nothing to do with money really yet it has become the center of attention."

It has become so because you don't seem to get it even though you've described yourself as being in dire straights. Everyone else can see it in moments but you seem to be oblivious. You've described a living situation supported by nothing other than loans, state assistance, and maybe an absentee husband(?) having no employment options yourself. And, you say, no assistance options. And, you say, questionable hope of continued support from absentee husband(?) who is quite ill. And you intend to go to school for 3 1/2 years before you see another paycheck yourself, by which time you'll have a substantial debt to repay. Have you got a wad saved up somewhere you haven't yet spoken of?

Anybody here think this isn't about money? It's about somebody else paying your way for a damned long time while you get educated/qualified enough to feed yourself. Love and pats on the head aren't going to pay your rent. Somebody's going to be doing that for you......with MONEY.

"Im not asking for money, that was never a question."

Another amazing statement after all you've posted.

"An education is key for a dependable career."

Many think so. That, again, must be PAID for by somebody else because you don't have any MONEY.

"....no one wants to stand up and tell what you can do, could do..."

A number of us have, but you've ignored everything that's been offered. I think you're quite lost.

I agree with amyfiddler. You need a qualified counselor or coach there, on-site, to help you sort things out. I hope you find the help you need.

Most that go thru school have loans, this is normal. and i know im not the only mama out there with the just her n kids situaton, he aint paying my rent, he did like twice and had to stop work, never the less that dont matter. as just moment go by i grow more and more away from it, as i had hoped.

There never was much money comin from my husband. I always paid my own way since ive been on my own. and yes, there are bumps in the road but after the "incident of feb" its a wonder im still here, but im not giving up.

Ill likely do it on my own. These loans r so small its cheaper than car insurance. they dont charge till 6 mos after your done schooling. havent went to a bank, oh no. those r torture.

/////i thought i cared about what me and my husband " had:

"Clearly changing the past isnt an option, and I told u so's arent helpful either."

I agree, but my point was that you continue making very strange choices. You have an affair with a married man, OK you didn't know he is married, now you do, but instead of getting out of it you are concerned why aren't you allowed to call his house or his family does not know about you. Why do you worry about that at all?

And my point about kids was that unless you have education and career why are you having kids, are you going to stop?

You just seem to be confused, lost and maybe somewhat delusional. If you truly do have marriage license then your so called husband practices polygamy. And why are you still married then? Your marriage could be annulled due to bigamy situation.

Why aren't you seeing a lawyer? He and you rented a place but he is not paying his part? Whose name on a lease? Only yours right? Why? That's not what married people do.

You got to go see a professional, I don't know how you can raise children when you are in such state of confusion.

Why aren't you applying for state assistance and child support??? And yes many people in stable relations have children but not unless they have education and career. I don't know anyone with 4 children at 28, and no means to support themselves.

You want constructive? File for child support, file for divorce or if you are not married separate yourself from affair with married men, ask your family for help, ask for state assistance, use reliable birth control or stay away from men for awhile.

"Ill likely do it on my own."

Delusions of independence. You are inarguably incapable of doing any such thing by temperament as well as by circumstance. You are receiving support from others and you'll be needing more. A lot more, for a long time.

I encourage you to do everything you can to reach your goal. By all means obtain all the assistance you can in order to achieve it. However, you're no more "on your own" than any other welfare mom. If you insist upon acknowledgement and praise for being "on your own" as well as encouragement and support otherwise, I think just about everybody's going to tell you to go fish. Nothing burns up good will faster than unrealistic expectations and an entitlement attitude.

Look Francis,
I'm going to tell you something a bit personal in hopes you will take it & find some use.

I found myself at 20 yr.s old a single mother by way of poor life decisions. Not to say I regret it just the way I went about it. I can't imagine how overwhelming it must be with 4.

My advice (take it, leave it, it's up to you) Go on welfare, use your student loans for school. I had to go on welfare for 2 yr.s and I got grants to pay for nursing school & they even paid for my uniforms & daycare which was on site at the college. Most colleges have this set up now. Yes, it was humiliating to go on welfare but I had to suck it up and do something to get the means to support my kid. It was great to go to the welfare office 2 weeks after graduation and un-sign myself from benefits becuase I had a job that paid well-right out of school :0)

A humbling experience, for sure.

It's not often I'd advise someone to go on welfare but in this case you need to do something to get the ball rolling. Meet with your student advisor make a plan & do it, and if you need to start with a 1 yr rogram like xray tech or surgical tech, you'll then be able to support yourself and get a job with benefits & health insurance and likely tuition reimbursement to finish up your degree while working, if you work for the VA they will pay you to finish your degree while you work on school breaks/holidays, leaving you the time to complete studies.

Apply for section 8 housing assistance and just ditch this married man and focus on nothing but school & your kids. It will fly by I promise you.

It was so hard studying and such but my friends helped me by watching my son when I had a big test to study for and you will be surprised how people pitch in to help when they see you determined to better yourself.

Even though I have made many crap decisions regarding men since one thing I always knew was I would always be able to support mysef & my kid, and I could live where ever I chose because there are ill people everywhere! Financially I am able to live a decent life and was able to provide a decent standard of living for my kid too.

~Cat

if you've been married for 12 years and have 4 young children not only you qualify for substantial child support but also alimony/spousal support. Unless of course you weren't really married to your first "husband" either.

If your baby is 1 year old and you had an affair with a married man for a year, when did you have time to divorce your first husband? When was divorce final? And where is your exhusband?

finedreams, again, she could've divorced/left her first husband any time after she was impregnated with the last child. That could've been a year and almost 9 months ago. Why do you keep thinking that she was with her now ex-husband (babydaddy) when the last baby was born?

Perhaps more to the point.....what difference does it make? Man #1 is gone. Man #2 is gone, ill, and only marginally supportive. Except for various welfare programs it really doesn't matter much what she may be "qualified" for, does it? Even if she could afford afford attorneys and courts costs and was successful, she would have that additional debt, not money in her pocket. Attaining a judgement in one's favor is one thing. Collecting it is quite another. You all know the stories. Being vindicated and/or upheld doesn't buy any groceries.

The task is here and now. Even with the four children and her dire situation financially, she does seem committed to moving on. However she seems not to grasp that moving ahead will take substantial and continued support (money) from some source. From her description, I don't see that either of these men will represent any hope for her that way. Could be wrong, but I surely don't see it from here.

Seems to me the sources will have to be government and/or private agencies. Short of a sugar-daddy, there isn't anything else.

suzieque, I don't care what she was doing, divorcing or marrying or making babies and who is the father. my point is that she jumps from men to men awfully fast with no time in between, always bad idea. a baby is a year, knows a man for a year etc managed to get divorced etc

I think asolo it does make a difference to look at her history, hanging on to a man is her life style, # 1 is no good (no child support?) # 2 is married. taking this history in consideration the next step is to find # 3. and that's what's going to happen, unfortunately.

Um....she did say: "...i dont need another man..."

And she said she can't have any more kids.

I've refrained from commenting about her history because everybody already knows what my opinion would be. I'll stand by what I said....the history doesn't matter. Here and now going forward matters. Money matters.

Um....she did say: "...i dont need another man..."

she also said: "i need him, what do i do?"

her post originally was not about how to get out of difficult predicament but how to get a married guy back.

"Money matters."

It sure does, but where is that money coming from? 4 kids, no child support, guys bail out. I think history does matter. Because of the past history she is just going to repeat it. How do you support that many people on welfare? I personally would go live with mom and dad for awhile and ask my family to help me finish school so I can get on track. She said it is not an option. what else besides finding a new guy?

You're getting amazing again, finedreams. Everything's covered above and in sequence.

She'll either come back or she won't, but I'm done unless she does.

Good advice Cat :)

Things haven't changed much from Medieval times, have they? Women in trouble still look to a man as the answer because the man has $ and also promises emotional support. Well, it's still true.

Section 8 housing waitlists can be years long, welfare is too little and too sporadic and that nursing job is way off on the horizon. Unless Prince Charming is within view, she is kinda screwed.

The only other option is to be really relentless about finding good free counseling that can hook her up with some funding sources which are, sadly, few and far between these days. I would start at the financial aid office of the nursing school and the Career Center. They will try to blow you off but keep coming back until they help you.

amazing or not LOL, I use logic and common sense, i don't live in a la-la-la land, there are no miracles in real world,

so my advice stays the same, ditch the guys, go on welfare, work, get a grant to go to school. is she going to listen? probably not...

I think Francis is a troll. Who's computer is she (if "she" really is a "she) using? How does someone so destitute afford a computer/cable service? Oh, right, "she" is at the library. But seeing from the timing of "her" posts, the library must be open very late/very early.

Can you say troll?

I agree. Francis seems to be adding details without thinking about whether they "work" with her story or not (can you say making it up as you go?). She is 28. She was married for 10 years, with ex for 12, left home young, secluded from world until 25, has an 11 year-old, didn't know there was bad stuff in the world, alcoholic father...I am not buying it.

WOW, what a mess.