I don't think anyone has said that it was fine for the father not to bother notifying her.

I dont' know about anyone else, but the following posts are your words and they imply that you think it's fine for one to make the decision unilaterally. (I could be mistaken but that's how I interpret your posts. OP said the problem was with her husband, not the SS.)

* Posted by theotherside (My Page) on
Tue, Mar 18, 08 at 19:17

Why are you upset with the son if his father said he could be there and that his son should be able to do what he wanted there?

* Posted by theotherside (My Page) on
Tue, Mar 18, 08 at 19:44

Were they drinking, smoking marijuana, and trashing the house? Or were there just 10-15 kids hanging out there?

What needs? Why should he not put his son's wishes ahead of his wife's wishes?

* Posted by theotherside (My Page) on
Tue, Mar 18, 08 at 20:52

The point is that it is ok with his FATHER. If it is ok with his father, and they are not destroying the house or doing anything illegal, I don't see a problem. It might have been nice for the father to have mentioned it to his wife, but I don't see that the son did anything wrong.

* Posted by theotherside (My Page) on
Tue, Mar 18, 08 at 21:42

Strangers all by themselves or her 19 year old child's friends? No, she shouldn't need to have her husband's permission either for her child to have friends over.

Exactly. No one should have had to ask her permission, but the polite thing to do would have been for the husband to notify her - primarily for one of the reasons the OP stated, so she didn't do something like leave her underwear on the floor or something similar.

Parenting time for a 19 yr old .... ???? his parent was going away that weekend! so how much "time" was he really getting.....

So, tos, you DO support one partner being able to make unilateral decisions:
" No one should have had to ask her permission, but the polite thing to do would have been for the husband to notify her"
So why shouldn't the OP be able to make unilateral decisions-" No large groups of 19 year olds in my home when I'm not there" ? Cuts both ways.
I can't help but feel that when one partner in a household wants to make changes to the status quo, the other one must agree. If my DH said to me, "Honey, I'm going to bring a bunch of friends home from work/repaint the living room in puce/sell the car and buy a motor home/get a puppy" or whatever, this had better be an opening for a discussion, and if I said after consideration of his reasons, "I'd rather you didn't," and he went ahead and did it anyway, he'd better be ready for new records in pissed off. Similarly I don't believe I'm in the right to make changes without DH's agreement. At the same time, each partner needs to give fair consideration to such requests and not just use their veto to be bloody minded. I'd have to say, though, I'd be giving a definite "no" to the idea of a group of unsupervised 19 year olds in my house, unless I personally knew and trusted each invitee.
No matter how well behaved an individual 19 year old is, in groups, especially testosterone-laden boys, the dynamic can change radically. If for instance, one of the friends had posted "there's a party" on the internet, which has been known to happen, sam could well have come home to find 400 teenagers trashing her house and riot police in the driveway (which has also been known to happen). 19 year olds are not generally renowned for their good judgement, tos' children excepted, naturally.

sam 1234,
What do you mean your SS will have the key????? If i had someone who visits and does not live with me , why should they get the key? I wouldn't even give my own son a key to my home incase he brings friends.
You know, what i noticed here and with alot of my friends kids, they think they are entitled to everything! Since they live their, its their home and they make decision! Who the hell made them boss??
When i grew up, my parents clearly stated to all of us in our house that its our home but we do not own the house, we do not make the rules and we can't just bring any of our friends without permission.
youre husband should have spoken to you about this party out of respect for you and if you veto'd it , it would have been your right as a human being. Period!
And as for the key. Scrap it out with your DH. I did with mine last night:)
I brought up the subject after i read your post. We do not have a house yet, but i asked him, would you give a key to your daughter and son? He said yes. I said nope. You wont. Cause even our son will not have a key to our home!
He didn't like it. But i said, mark my words. If you give a key to your kids, the lock will be changed and i will have a security system on top of it with a code that you will not know. I'm sorry. But no child will have a key to our house.
I just do not understand why you would give a key to a person who doesn't live there!!!!! I would give it to my son cause i know when he grows older that he wants to bring his friends but that will be under supervision. My home is private and i just do not want anyone entering it without my knowledge.
You know they are lookign around your bedroom! You saw it when the lights were on. Trust your gutt and tell your DH that its your home too and you do not agree with your SS having a key to a home that he does not live in 100% of the time.
Its the exact equivalent of a cousin coming every other day and then that same cousin says, well i may as well have a key to your home.
Growing up , i was over at my aunts house practically everyday. Did i get a key for that home..NOOOOO.
Stand your ground like i did with my DH. No key!

Because it was the boy's home, even if he primarily lives somewhere else. He has the same right to have a key, to have friends over, etc., as does his father. The OP said that there was no damage to the house, and she didn't expect any.

I don't agree. If he primarily lives somewhere else, his only reason for coming to his father's house should be to visit his father, in which case Dad will be home and son doesn't need a key. I also don't believe kids, who are not the homeowners, have the same rights over how the house is used as do the parents, who do own the home. If they want these priveleges, they need to have permission from BOTH stakeholders.
I wouldn't treat my adult DD's home as my own, and expect to have a bunch of friends over etc, without the consent of both her and her partner, even though I do have a key for emergency purposes. Similarly she wouldn't behave like this, even though my house was her home until she left school and went to college (and she has a key for emergencies).

Well, do kids of divorced parents have two homes, or don't they? If they really only have one home, and are merely occasional guests at the other, then the NCP should not refer to it as "parenting time" when the child is actually just visiting. If the child should not feel equally at home in both places, then the parent with whom he spends less time is not equally his parent, and consequently should not have equal say in medical, educational, or other matters.

THE ADULTS RESIDE IN THE HOME AND PAY THE BILLS. THEY ARE IN CHARGE OF WHO COMES AND GOES IN THEIR HOME. A CHILD SHOULD NOT HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO THROW A PARTY IN THEIR PARENTS HOME. I WOULD NEVER BE OKAY WITH TEENAGERS BEING IN MY BEDROOM-PERIOD! AS A CHILD I WOULD NEVER HAVE DARED TO HAVE 15-20 FRIENDS IN EITHER OF MY PARENTS HOMES WHEN THEY WERE NOT HOME. I KNEW THERE WOULD BE CONSEQUENCES.

THIS TEENAGER KNOWS HIS DAD IS A PUSHOVER. DAD IS PARENTING OUT OF GUILT AND LETTING SON RUN WILD. DANGEROUS COMBO, WILL NOT BENEFIT SON IN ANY WAY. SON DOES NOT LEARN CONSEQUENCES. FUNNY HOW DAD CAN STAND UP TO SM...WHO SHOULD BE HIS EQUAL...AND TELL HER IT WAS OK BY HIM FOR THE PARTY.

TELL YOUR DH TO GROW A PAIR OF BALLS AND TELL HIS SON NO ONCE IN A WHILE!

THIS IS NOT A WICKED STEPMOM SITUATION...IT IS A SMART CHILD WHO CAN MANIPULATE HIS DAD SITUATION. THIS MANIPULATION WILL CONTINUE FOREVER IF IT IS NOT STOPPED!!

I agree with colleena and mom2 in this case all the way.
The situation is not of having two homes. His Main home is with his mother and yes he visites his dad. I can understand what TOS is getting at when it comes to homes. Its depends on waht you actually define as a home. For me a home is somewhere , a place, any place (can be anyones home aunt, father mother wahtever...friend) that you reside 90% and up. A place you feel comfortable in and that you are welcomed. But ahome should not be confused with ownership. You make a child or anyone welcomein your home but that doesn't mean they can do whatever they want.
Kids from divorced family do have two homes. BUT, if visitation rights are only eow. Then the main 'home' is where that child reside. His other 'home' is a visitation but not as strong as the main one. The kids will feel more connected to aplace they reside 100% of the time.
This teenage kids is only using the other house to his convenience. Thats all. He doesn't live there.
Tos, i do not agree with you that just because the child spends less timeover at the other house , that the father or mother at the house has less say in medical , education and other matters. Lets get real here. You didn't get pregnant on your own and just because people get divorce, that doesn' relenquish them being a father or mother. Both parents have rights. BUt depending on the circumstance, i can understand why you would say that, especially if you have fahter figure who doesn't want his kids around and then has the audacity to say he has a say when he show's he doesn't care about time spent with his kids.
Its a tough call. BUt in the end, the house is ruled by the parents. Not the kids. Giving veto power or any sort of power to a child or a teenager is not a wise decision. They do not have enough life experience to make the proper decision in life. They are inthe training process under adult supervision. Having a whimpy father giving into his son wants is not helping his son in the long run. It just teaches him he can get what he wants from another person.
This is not his home anymore TOS. He stays with his mom 99.99% of the time. He doesn't sleep on weekends anymore. He doesnt visit EOW liek other young children. That house may have been his home 15 years ago but he is now a young adult 19 years old and wanting to throw parties which is natural.
He could have asked both parents. I'm not saying its wrong to throw a party at another persons house cause you dont live there. I'm saying it was wrong to throw it without consulting the second person who owns that house period.
What bothers me most is the kids being in her bedroom. What right to they have lookign around there???
I caught my SD doing that last year a few times on a weekend and i would ask. What are you doign in my room. She would say just looking around. So i went into the kids room and sat..and looked around too. She got the message.
You have to respect one another. It really doesn't matter who you are. To me the son sounds ok. He didn't damage the house but i dont think at his age and in the circumstance that he should have a key. Just cause he has no key doesnt' mean he wont be welcomed in that home.
As a young child , i never had keys to my parents house. I lived there 24/7 and even when i worked at harvey's, i still didn't have key. My father would stay up until i came home.
My aunt next door, who was an adult, had thekey for us kids if there was any emergency like school finishign early or one of us was sick.

My kids all have had keys. I want them to be able to get in whenever the drop by (in the case of the adult ones) or if they get home and I don't happen to be there.

I wouldn't have had as much of a problem with the father saying he didn't want his son to have a party, but since it was apparently ok with his father, I think it was ok. My point, however, in the previous post was that it is completely irrelevant whether or not the boy stays there less time than he stays elsewhere. If it would have been ok had he lived there full-time, it is still ok if he doesn't.

I think it is very convenient for some "SMs" who marry a man with a child and then say oh child spends 99% of time with mom, we shouldnt have to give him any part of a home. Which btw is not what I think OP was complaining about, just notice.

I disagree about "primarily living". DD always primarilly lived with me (like 75%) but her dad's house was always her home as well. it was never that it is her home but dad's house is not.

As about keys I and my brother both have keys to our parents home and we are not 19. ha

I agree that wild parties in parents absence should not be taking place in neither house. They shouldn't be snooping in the bedroom etc And they need to ask if they can bring large groups of friends over. But i completely disagree that son should not be considering his dad's house his home.

just to add that kids of any age should not be bring huge parties to parents house without parental concent-even adult kids, I certainly would not like that. I didn't even like sleepovers with one or two friends if I am not there and if i don't know friends and if i gave no permission.

I think you are wrong. Me and my DH have our girls 98% of the time but I would still be pissed if he gave the girls keys and they were throwing parties in my house. It isn't a matter of step or Bio or who has them the most. It's respect for people whom you SHARE ahouse with. It is no more the sons house then the Mother figure who is living there. At 19 he can get his own apartment if it's truly a life or death situation to throw a party. I don't think it would of beena big deal to this woman if it had only beena couple of kids but they threw a freaking party in her house with out so much as notifying her.

THAT IS WRONG. I don't care what bloody angle you try to approach it from....it's wrong.

P.S. I don't have keys to my parents house. I call when I'm going to be in town because it's the polite freaking thing to do.

P.P.S. They are my BIO parents so don't try to pull the step card.

Thank you doodleboo,
I spoke with my DH again and asked hime the question. He said no this time. He thought it over and said that both his kids would not have the key to our house. They live with their mom but to him he said why should have keys to our house when they live up there. Why give them power. He said this is 'our' house, Our's. Not kids. they do not pay the bills and they should not feel entitled to everything. THey have keys to their moms house. He feels that is reasonable. I dont agree. I was brought up keys are with adults not children.But to each their own. Biomoms house, is her rules, she sets the pace. Our house, is my DH and mine .We get to set our pace. Simple as that.
If the kids do not like it.Tough. Those are our rules and that is what we live by.
The original post didn't have the key situation. But it was brought up later.So please dont play the st*pid SM card. That kids is an adult! 19 years old. He has no business having that key to begin with. His fahter is a push over and better start respecting his wife.He took vows with her. Not his child.He paid CS, raised him and he is now grown up. He has no business having that key if he lives elsewhere. If he comes to visit. FIne. Call and visit.
I didnt' have keys to my SM's house either. I rang the door bell! and if i had to work very late they made arrangements for that particular day.

I am completely flabbergasted that someone would not give children keys to the house. Among other things, it would be horribly inconvenient. I wouldn't be able to work if my teens had to depend on my being home in order to get in the house. The one child who is allowed to visit her father has the key code to that house, so obviously it is not a problem for him or his current wife either. I don't see what the big deal is.

I will agree that it is a little strange to me at least that kids wouldnt get a key to the house. Although I have to say that I have thought more than once if I would feel comfortable with my kids having a key to our house (when they are old enough to actually need a key) not because of the kids having it but because I seriously wouldnt put it pass BM to make a copy of the key and use it to her advantage. Especially since, we are fairly certain she was at our house when we were out of town the last time.

We will just have to work that out when the time comes closer.

If you don't see the big deal I guess you missed the whole party scenario. I wouldn't want my blood kid, step kid, brother, sister, teachers asst., doctor or whatever having the key o my home if I felt I never knew what I was going to walk into when I got home.

Again, I never had a key to my parents home. I have scheduled days (every Sunday) when I visit or I give my mom a call if I'm dropping by. Every family is different. I respect my parents enough to give them a heads up exspecially if I'll have a stranger with me since my mother has never been big on company.

I have a key to my dad's house, only because I have a reason to be in his house, because I take care of his wife when he is working. Before that, I never had a key to his house. I don't have a key to my mom's house. My kids all have access to a house key for my house, but I don't give them a key to carry around. (I have a lockbox that they have the code to, which houses our house key) We don't have to worry about anyone copying or losing the key. But, then my kids are teenagers. I wouldn't give my 8 year old step daughter a key. (not because she's my step daughter, but because she's 8) Giving a key to your house is a personal choice and there is no right or wrong answer, it's YOUR house, YOU decide who gets a key. Period.

On the other hand, if I came home and found a group of kids in my house when I wasn't informed or hadn't given my consent, then there would be hell to pay. Now, I understand the OP's SS had his dad's permission (0r so they claim) and placing blame where it belongs... on dad if he gave the permission and SS for not making sure it's okay with both of them.

When I was a kid, I remember the 'go ask your mom' and 'go ask your dad', but I knew darn well that I'd better get the same answer outta both of them eventually before I did anything. I would never have gone to just one parent to get the answer I wanted and not ask the other one too. and I never really put much thought into whether it was respectful or disrespectful, it was just the right thing to do.

(This thread reminds me of something my step daughter did the other day. She made a puzzle in her room on Wednesday. Her mom & sister were coming to pick her up Friday. On Thursday, she was talking to her sister and I overheard her telling her that she was going to show her the puzzle. Well, she didn't ask me if her sister could see the puzzle, instead she asked her dad when he was putting her to bed. He told her no. He said that he didn't want her bringing anyone into the house. (I think since he was going to be at work, he didn't want BM to come into the house, which she might do if SD brought the sister in). Anyways, on Friday morning, SD asks me if she can show the puzzle to her sister. Normally, I would have said yes, no problem... however dad already said no. I can't undermine his authority so I asked her, 'did you ask your dad?' she said he told her no, so I told her then no. When her mom got there, she went and got her sister and started walking toward the house. She went to my daughter and asked if she can take her sister into her room. (I was waiting in my car because we were leaving as soon as BM left with SD) and my daughter told her the house was already locked. She was very persistent and I'm not sure if there was a moral to the story, other than kids will go to who they think will give them what they want. Obviously, the stepson went to dad because mom said no or he knew dad was more likely to say yes. He didn't go to stepmom because he probably thought she might say no and maybe dad thought so too, so they didn't tell her at all.

Two interesting observations I just made:
My Sd has a key to our house (CP) but not to her mom's (NCP).
I have a key to my parent's house on the other side of town, but my younger brother who lives in their seperate guest quarters and has a history of parties and such, does not. Hmmm.

I agree, 8 year olds dont get a key. 25+ -- up to parent. But 19, they are old enought to come and go, and I wouldnt expect them to be on their own. I assume 19 yr olds are in college, working on internships, etc. Where are they supposed to go on breaks, etc.? Only moms?? That really doesnt seem fair to me.

My DH and I have 50/50 custody of his two sons--ages 17 and 18. They spend every weekend with us and come and go for work, friends, etc. They each have a key to the house. There was never any question about not giving them keys. And so far, they have not abused this. They have stopped over midweek to pick up/drop off something or to hang out until we get home and that's OK with us. We've "trained" them to clean up their own messes, and they rarely leave a mess for us.

As for the boys having friends over, DH doesn't always necessarily check with me first. If it's just a friend or two, I really don't care. They have their own space downstairs, so they are out of my hair. As for parties, yes, DH certainly would not OK it without getting my OK too. It's the respectful thing to do. After all, it's MY home too.

I have had a key to my parents house since I was about 9 or 10 because that is when I started taking the bus home from school and walking. I still to this day have a key to the house (actually both houses) but I would never dream of just randomly showing up at their house without them there and going through things or taking things or having other people in their house without them knowing. My brother however, who still lives there is not allowed to have a key to anything... not the house not the car not the shop... But, then he has had parties and invited girls into my parents shop to well lets just say they werent working...

As I said right now, the only concern I would have with my kids is BM getting a copy... I will have to think on that one carefully... when the time comes ofcourse.

"As I said right now, the only concern I would have with my kids is BM getting a copy... I will have to think on that one carefully... when the time comes of course.

That was one of my concerns as well, or the boys taking her over for a "tour" when DH and I aren't home. But I don't believe that has happened.

"Where are they supposed to go on breaks, etc.? Only moms?? That really doesnt seem fair to me."

but that isn't the problem:

The problem is the violation of OP's space & the flagrant disregard of her position as co-owner of the home.

NOBODY suggested that a, say, 8-year-old boy be left to languish at his mom's while his father & his father's new wife cavort in the hot tub;

The transgressors here are OP's HUSBAND & HIS SON.

Marrying does not nullify your personhood, your property rights, or your right to expect that your space & your privacy will be respected:

(I've occasionally wondered how much happier people would be if they treated their nearest & dearest with the courtesy they grant strangers on the street.)

Marrying a man, with kids or without, does not relegate you to the status of an appliance (convenient, useful, maybe even nice to have around, but certainly not human).

Wives, first, second, or eighth, are entitled to the respect, support, & consideration you'd grant any partner...
or any stranger on the street.

Slyvia,

No one has suggested that DH shouldnt have given notice.

And trust me, my DD is left to languish while Dad and his SO are in hot tub all the time.

when she was 8, kkny?

"Given notice" isn't good enough.

Giving notice is what you do when you inform someone that you are exercising your rights & they can like it or lump it, ie, when you give notice to a tenant that you'll be in the property to do maintenance or inspections or when you give the tenant notice that you are not going to renew the lease.

This woman is not a tenant;
she's a co-owner.

Her rights are *equal to* her husband's.

He's in no position to "give notice" to her.

Her consent is required.

As she has said herself, she would have had no problem with stepson being in the house.
The problems are

1) Husband unilaterally gave permission that he had no right to give without his wife agreeing to it &

2) Son abused the privelege & had a bunch of people in the home for a party.

Sylvia,

So help me out.

Does stepchild have to have Stepparents permission before he comes over?

Before he has one friend over? What if he leaves dirty dishes in sink? Leaves toilet seat up?

At the end of the day, how do you distinguish Stepmom rights from stepmom not allowing reasonable use of the house by stepchild.

I think people should talk about these things before marriage. others disagree.

"Does stepchild have to have Stepparents permission before he comes over?"
Yes. If it's not convenient, or if SC is habitually rude and confrontational to SP, then I think he/she has every right to prefer SC not visit. But, SP should make the effort to ensure visits ARE convenient, and exercise veto sparingly and carefully.

Before he has one friend over?
Yes. Homeowners have the right to approve who is in their house. If it was a bio-child he/she would have to have parental permission to bring friends home- at least, mine did. Children and teenagers aren't always as discriminating as they might be.

What if he leaves dirty dishes in sink? Leaves toilet seat up?
Then SC should have it pointed out, "these are the house rules, please follow them. Then we won't have to nag you about them, and we'll all be happier."

At the end of the day, how do you distinguish Stepmom rights from stepmom not allowing reasonable use of the house by stepchild.
By comparison with bio-child rights. If, given the same circumstances, SP would allow bio-child to behave in a particular way, then in fairness SC should be allowed to behave similarly. However, if bio-child would NOT have been allowed to do something, it is not discriminating against a SC to veto.

Colleen, but would you throw the biochild out for these violations? That is the problem. Most people would not throw out a child for these things.

If my child doesn't live with me, then yes, he has to get my permission to come over when I'm not home. If I'm home, he's welcome to visit me anytime he wants.

If my child is bringing a friend over, yes he has to ask me first, whether he lives with me or not. I like to know who is in my house, especially if I'm NOT going to be there.

If he leaves dirty dishes or toilet seat up, then I would give a warning. It may be okay in other people's homes, but my kids aren't allowed to do that at any time, so why would it be any different if they just stopped by with a friend? If I came home and had to clean up after someone that just dropped by, I'd probably take the key away.

At the end of the day, it's my home and my children are going to abide by my rules and if they don't like it, too bad. I'm the parent. I'm the adult. When I go to their house someday, I will give them the same respect I expect them to give me.

and there's no difference to me if it's my step child. It's still my house and my rules.

I must have missed the part where somebody said they were going to throw somebody out of the house...

but even if I had given permission for a "get-together", if I found that my congienality was being abused, that my home was being used for a huge party, I'd throw 'em all out, son or stepson & all his "guests", & hubs & I would have a major air-clearing policy discussion.

but we all have the right to make our own decisions about what goes on in our homes;

anyone who feels that "kids" should be allowed to run wild over other people's personal space, privacy, & boundaries has every right to allow it *in his/her/their own home*.

Sylvia,

Closing a party down is one thing -- although the problem is Dad wasnt home either.

The issue which no one wants to answer is to me the crux of this. How does one balance the right of a father to have his chld in the house with the right of the mother to feel comfortable in her house? I am not saying this is an easy question. What I am pointing out is that once you give Stepmom veto power, it can drive stepson away. To say, well he is not here 99% of time, I would say, well then the little time he wants, Dad should have more ability to have the son there. And to say Dad wasnt even there (i.e. no quality parenting time), Dad still has obligation to child (yes, I regard 19 yr old as child). I do not expect 19 year olds to have their own home. To compare veto power over 19 yr old with veto power over stepmoms mother, etc, all of whom should have their own home is not fair.

Ima, you may regard your SD as your own, but there is a wide range of feelings here. For a SM who does not regard the child as her own, this veto power is more disconcerting.

Ok, let's look at this in a different way. Dad wasn't there anyway so it had nothing to do with Dad/son time.

New scenario:
Mother, is out of town, so son goes to dad and asks permission if he can have a party at mom's house. Dad says well sure course you can.

Mom comes home early and finds out dad gave son permission to have a party in her house, and she wasn't even given "notice"

What would mom do?

Seems both houses are dads, so he alone can decide what goes on in both houses.

No Coleen, for the Nth time, it has to do with SM having veto power over dad providing for his child. Which I guess most SMs want.

What would mom do?

NO SC shouldn't have to ask permission to come over but all children should give a head's up... I am bringing a friend, I am bring 10-15 friends.

As far as the key thing.... We haven't locked a door in years, I don't even think I could find the key if we did lock the doors. Even when I lived in the city I didn't lock my door my son always forgot his key ... rather than him being locked out we left the door unlocked.

She didn't veto the son being there.... she vetoed his 10-15 friends while they were not home.... with or without dads permission ... if dad knew about it, he should have told his wife what was going to happen while they were not home... but I still say dad was covering maybe the son told him a "few friends" but I doubt it was "hey dad I am going to have 10-15 friends over while you and your wife are away this weekend" and dad said "sure son no problem".

Again her question was .....

Any suggestions or ideas how I can get my husband to see why I was upset and why I felt so disrespected?

No kkny, for the Nth time, it has to do with moms having veto power over dad providing for his child. Which I guess most moms want.

Cawfee,

We all agree the husband was out of line. If she cant explain why she felt violated, what dangers could have happened and get DH to understand, I doubt there is anything anyone here could have suggested.

Coleen, I dont see how any mom here was suggesting that the mother have veto power. The dad evidently allowed this.

You never cease to amaze me, and if you weren't so creepy I might even get angry with you. Let's just look at how you put the onus back on the wife.

IF SHE CAN'T EXPLAIN - obviously SHE wasn't able to explain why she FELT violated? First of all how do you explain anything to anyone whose MO is: Don't bother me with the facts, I have already made up my mind!

You are a primary example of that mindset kkny. Plus, she didn't FEEL violated, she WAS violated in a very deep and fundamental way. In the same way mom would have been had the tables been turned.

and you kkny most definitely are the one who states over and over and over again mom has veto power.

Now back to my question, what would mom have done?

"At the end of the day, it's my home and my children are going to abide by my rules and if they don't like it, too bad. I'm the parent. I'm the adult. When I go to their house someday, I will give them the same respect I expect them to give me."

Well said! I agree entirely.

KKNY, reading your posts makes me realize that maybe you are holding in just a little bitterness. Just wee bit. (Sarcasm here)

It isn't a flippin' Step mother issue. It is a child vs. adult issue and yes...I will say it. I don't care whoes panties get in a twist. When it comes down to a parent vs.child situation the parent (step or otherwise) should get the last say.

If the parent isn't an evil tyrant out to eat the child's soul which Sam1 is NOT, then yes. She should have some say over the rearing of a child, of any age, that lives in HER house. Visits HER housew. Throws parties in HER house or whatever. BIO OR NOT.This isn't limited to the "party incident" either. How ridiculous, and self righteous of you KKNY I might add, to think only Bio parents are god like enough to have an opinion in the matters of parenting. Do Steps not fill all the roles of the parent's when you guys arn't around? In my personal case thats 98% percent of the time!!!!

I have my girls. If Biomom told me I am to stay out of her childrens personal affairs and not ever discipline or tell them no I would LAUGH RIGHTLY IN HER FACE! I would laugh in her face, pat her head and walk away. There is no way a Step parent can always just "let the bio handle it". No way. My husband always gets my advice on his girls but he doesn't have a chip on his shoulder either. He knows my main concern is our girls best interest. Biomom on the other hand.....she thinks in her dilluded, bitter, hate filled mind that I am out to destroy her and steal her children like I stole her man...hahahaha. If she is that concerned she should make an effort to see them more than once a week. I didn't "steal" her man for the record. She believes her own stories.

Bottom line, We may not have carried these children for nine months (which is ALL the girls mom did) but we are helping to raise the babies so we should have a voice.

Veto power? I couldnt' give a rats A** what decision he makes as long as it doenst interfer with our plans that were set ages ago and as long as he respects me in teh process.
My SK do not live with me. Life is complicated as it is. I told my DH just keep a regular schedual thats all i ask. We tried beign flexible for the first three eyars with them and it got out of hand. So many things were cancelled and so many disappointments. I said ENough! They come EOW. Yes. Then keep it EOW.Do not swap weekends unless its a must, not for ex wives convenience!
My DH took his vows in front of GOD to me. He divorce over 8 years ago. I expect respect from my husband. It has nothing to do with vito power. They are not my kids, not my responsibility so why would i get involved in decision making about them. THat is my DH responsibility. He is their father. Let him deal with them!
ANd no, if they do not respect me as a human being then i do not want them around.Sorry. I do not want anyone around who is negative anymore.If my DH wants, he can spend a weekend with them elsewhere if they don t want to coem down.
If i had a hand in raising them then yes i have the right. I'm giving my heart and soul. But in our case its a straight cut. 100% falls on biomom!

After reading this post over I can not believe that any one would say it is ok for a adult child to be able to do whatever he/she wants in someone else's house. The adult SK does not pay the mortage, the monthly bills, or for repairs that need to be done. SK's do not have say over any one who pays the bills for that house and that includes a step parent.

About giving out a key to a adult step kid. I do not have keys to my adult step kids house and I do not think I should have one or want one. In return they do not need a key to our house. If they want to come to our house they can come to visit and we will be there to let them in.

When my SKs lived with us they stole, yes stole many of my household items, personal items, etc. and some of them had sentimental meaning to me. I call taking things without asking "stealing". I do not want them in my house when I am not there.

They continue to constantly try to get items from our home by asking DH for things. I told him anything that leaves this house I need to know about.

Now, every situation is different, but in the case of mine and it sounds like in the case of sam1234 that this SK has taken advantage of things. That is when the trust is lost and no longer can these types of SKs be allowed to run free in the house.

I wish more people had common sense and these DHs would wake up and see things for the way they truely are. Sometimes I feel like reversing things around and have some of my young adult relatives come stay in our house and take things of DH. I would like to see how he would feel. Just a thought but I would never do that to anyone.

sam1234 hold your ground and make sure you make it clear to DH where you stand.

Sunnygarden that would be interesting test. You wouldnt' do it cause you have respect for your Dh. This husband had no respect for his wife at the time. Permission is always needed and it doesn't matter whether its friend, cousin, kids, stepkids etc..etc... Its sam's house too and she has the right to say NO to anyone she feels for whatever reason.
I said no last month to SD bringing one of her friends down. She steals from us and i caught her last year. My SD may have forgiven her but i don't and i dont' care. Even her mother is not keen of having her at her house...that's says alot!

I am an adult stepchild and I have keys to my dad and SM's place.
They live a few hours away, in a lovely freshly renovated cabin right on the edge of a lake. They drive longhauls and aren't home much. They have no problem with me going to their place whenever I want, but I always call to ask. I tidy up after myself, replace anything I used (or at least tell him that I polished off the kindling wood but couldn't find the hatchet to chop more)
I have called to ask if I can bring a couple friends out for the weekend and they have cheerfully agreed. This past weekend, I went out with BF and A__ and we had a great time. Dad and SM didn't bat an eyelash at my request to go to their place.

I'm the only one of my siblings with a key, but Dad says they are welcome to borrow mine anytime they'd like. SM's three girls all have their own keys, and also call up to ask when they would like to come up and our parents have no problem with that either.

HOWEVER, none of us (either his kids or hers) has ever caused them any major trouble and we're a pretty functional adult stepfamily.

I don't think it's an issue if the adults (owners of the house) are in agreement to give the kids keys or extend permission to even bring friends over when they are gone. I think the bigger issue here, is dad keeping it from his wife. If he didn't think it was such a big deal, there was no reason to not tell her. (It would have been better if they had a discussion about this beforehand.)

Whether it's a big deal would depend on many things, there's not a simple answer. It would depend on the child, the trust the parent has in whether they will be responsible, past problems, etc. etc. in addition to valuables in the home (as well as being able to trust that all friends brought over wouldn't steal and/or that there wouldn't be so many people there that the 'kid' would be able to watch them all, etc.) There are many variables. It all comes down to mutual respect (between husband/wife & child/adult) and trust. [and of course, personal preferences. Some parents don't want their adult children that have moved out, to have free access to their home when they are out, for whatever reason. It's their home.]