Just out of curiousity, how do you know that BFs X cheated on him (apparently they were divorced 16 years ago).

I've known them for 25 years. He told me, and told me that his daughter doesn't know. And then she (the ex) told me. (She and I have a decent relationship when we see each other at parties for her daughter, graduation, etc.)

A few questions:

1. How long have you been living with your BF? Is the house you're getting together the first time you'll be living together? (This may explain the rather transparent competitive feelings SD has that she has a "right" to the bigger bedroom because she was "there first", etc. Not that she SHOULD have this right, but an explanation for why she might FEEL that way...)

2. How old are you? (If you're under 30, it's quite possible SD *DOES* view you more as a step-sister, which again would elevate competitive feelings. Not your fault, but generally true.)

3. What on earth does SD's mom ---and whether she cheated on BF 20 yrs ago--- have to do with the current conflict?

4. I didn't understand when you wrote: "I felt like I had no say in the house" after SD made her demands. How does SD putting in her litle $.02 preclude you having a say? Did you not voice your say to BF via "venting"?

5. Did you really think BF would go for SD's request for the biggest bedroom? If so, there might be a bigger issue here. I mean, to me it seems pretty clear-cut: the parent gets the biggest bedroom*, obviously shared with whomever he's sleeping with... so unless SD wants to sleep with Dad, it should be a no-brainer that she simply has to deal with the smaller room.
[*barring some unusual circumstances such as 2 or more teenagers in one room, who could use the extra space... or a kid with equipment of sort that takes up a ton of room, etc....]

In most families, SD's request would have been met with a friendly laugh-off and a "yeah right" and if she pouts, she pouts. Because as out-of-line and seriously upsetting as you found her request, it's really just typical teen behavior, pushing the envelope, trying to see what they can get away with, and most parents find it little more than a slightly humorous-bordering-on-irritating annoyance that they quickly nip in the bud with little fallout. I suggest that the issue may be more between you and BF b/c if he wasn't firmly "laughing her off" enough (and if he's not saying no to some of her requests to hang out with you two at all times), it suggests he is unwilling to be clear enough with her about what's-what. It might have something to do with his own fears that once she "leaves the nest" for college she won't be his "little girl" again... so maybe he WANTS her around for all these outings, etc. Or (depending on your answers to questions #1 & #2) he might be aware of some awkwardness in the situation and is unsure how to deal with it. In any event, whether he is right or wrong to "put up with" some of these little things from SD, you clearly don't agree with his decisions. So perhaps you should focus on *Him* and how he's handling things, rather than focusing on her. She's going to be who she is, which is, as you say "not a child/not an adult" but an 18 yr old about to leave home & start college and in a (newly?) blended family, with all the anxieties attending all of the above. Her behavior, while somewhat irritating I'm sure, is perfectly normal. Be glad she's even getting to GO to college and isn't living with you b/c knocked-up or cracked-out, etc. I'm sure things will improve after a while at college with all the excitement and new experiences there, she's probably just a little nervous right now.

I would be VERY interested in talking with you! I am in almost the exact situation, but I am a little further down the road. When my now husband and I met, youngest SD was 18. I have no biological children of my own. We lived together for 3 yrs before getting married (not yet 2 yrs ago) until both girls got out on their own. Drama still continues. Maybe we could help each other (or at least vent). I am not sure how to exchange e-mail addresses on this site if you are interested, but am not comfortable posting a lot of personal info on the web. I love both of my step-daughters very much, but they are so disrespectful and selfish. Things between us are either really good or really bad. I will tell you that there is a bond between daughters and Fathers that is unbelievable. I do not have a web site and not sure what this optional link stuff is all about. Maybe someone can help. Thanks.

Welcome to the world of adult stepdaughters. Just hold onto your seat you ain't seen nothing yet. I am here for you if you want to find out.

Oh and kkny are you a script?

a bit similar. i am not as far down the road but behavior is similar. My SOs' older DD lives out of state on her own but still tells dad how things should be in his house. Like if she thinks guest room is too small she tells dad to move everything and arrange bigger room, then if she does not like how furniture is she tells him to move it, tells him that he should hang more pictures of her on the walls etc (?). She does the same with her mother, but BM ignores it. DD was upset BM didn't ask her permission to move in with her BF. lol SO usually complies with her demands although he complains about it a lot. As of right now we are moving stuff around again, like last weekend rearranging guest room. He complains that he is tired to arrange things by her requests. I don't know if it is normal. Maybe it is. I never told my parents how things should be in their house. I remember clearly that when i moved out after high school I never told them how things should be after that. I feel like home at my parents but by no means I would tell them anything about any rooms.
As about coming home every weekend while in college..It is normal. I wish I can see DD every week or at least every month. DD is so far away in college.

i meant I would want to see my DD every week not my boyfriend's DD. lol

I find it odd that a college freshman comes home every weekend (unless there was a boyfriend at home, which you didn't mention). Perhaps she is having trouble adjusting to school, making new friends, etc., and wants the comfort of home?

I am convinced that teenagers are far less mature now than they were in generations past. All the helicopter parenting has resulted in a lot of self centered kids who expect their parents to always give the child their way. The kids see that their wishes are put first, and they expect it to stay that way. I didn't know a single person that moved home after college (except for maybe a month or two), now they seem to hang around forever.

It probably seems like she acts younger than you did at that age because she is probably less mature than you were at that age.

Sue, I think you hit the nail on the head. Teenagers today are not the same as twenty or thirty years ago.... they might be more technologically advanced, but maturity isn't what it used to be.

I don't think it's a big deal that she requested the master bedroom, my son thought that when we moved here, he could 'call' it. I had to remind him that it's MY house, I call it. As Serenity says, when one of my kids tries to 'test' me to see how far they can get, it's met with a 'oh yeah?' or 'yeah right!' and I laugh it off. They will test to see what they can get away with.

Sue36, I've noticed that too with this generation. I wanted my own car at 16. Couldn't wait to get my Camaro. Moved out as soon as I could & would have thought it totally nerdish to move back home. I was extremely independent, going into the Navy at 17. It seems to me now that kids don't have the desire to leave the nest so soon. I wouldn't have borrowed money from my parents for college. I would have looked at it like a weakness. Nowadays, it's so different. It makes me wonder are these boys going to be ready to go off to war at 18? Who's raising these brave boys that protect our freedom? I think many kids today are raised extremely self-centered, feeling entitled to everything. I think they have even been called the "ME" generation. Look at MTV for a few minutes, that'll scare you.

Misti, my nephew joined the Army at 18. He just turned 20 and is in Iraq for the second time. They promised him he would go to Germany. He is brave and nothing like the self centered teens of today... especially his sister who is very spoiled & self centered. It baffles me as to why two siblings that grew up in the same environment, could be so different.

Responding to questions asked way up the post- no internet at the new house yet.
We've lived together since last May at his old house where SD lived on the weekends. The new house is one that we purchased together- joint funds.
I'm 40 and my BF is 45. I'm just a couple years younger than SD's mom.
I know that a lot of the problem is with my BF. He over-compensates for how much of a piece of crap his ex is.

I do think that SD is having problems making friends. She's highly particular and tends to throw out put-downs instead of compliments. So, I think it's difficult sometimes for her to make new friends. She had a boyfriend at home, but that is over now.

I just keep trying to remind myself that she IS only 18 and that I was a handfull when I was that age. I guess I just don't really know my place in the family, ya know?

Misti,

Paying for college and or car may also be a function of parents socioeconomic level. When and where I grew up it was expected that parents would pay for childs college. It was the exception when they didnt. Where I live now, I think it is common for parents to pay for both college and car. I think this is more related to group mores than todays children being self-centered. But I also see potential friction where SM is not from same background, and SM complains dad is spending too much (on Toys?) and mom sees community standards differently.

I think part of the problem is people dont always discuss money completely and openly before marrriage. I think that is critical in second marriage, even more so than a first. And I think people in dating phase try to put what they think is best foot forward. FSM may think oh when stepchildren are 18, Dad will have no more resposibility, so she doesnt ask. Dad may not want to volunteer that he has committed to education (or he may live in state which court can order).

beach357- my email address is lara.crockett@gmail.com

Hi steplara,

It sounds like SD is having some growing pains and quite possibly doesn't know where she fits in either. Is this the first serious relationship Dad has had since the divorce?

Although you lived together before, I am sure it is directly confronting SD that you guys bought a house together.

It sounds like you are caring and understanding, I'm sure you will be able to work out the kinks.

Oh and is SD a freshman? She may be in her 'freshman blues.' By the end of the year, I bet she will make friends and won't be home so much.

Nope, not the first serious relationship he's had since the divorce. He was with a woman for 10 years, and then one for two years prior to me. However, I am the first woman that he has set up house with since her mom.
I know that she is going through a lot, too. College. Me.
I guess the three of us just need to keep talking to each other and sharing how we feel.

one of my cousins lived with her parents until she was 27 or so. she is a very well adjusted and mature, she is a lawyer. she stayed at home while going to law school and then stayed after that for few more years. she didn't like to live by herself but rather than having living with roommates prefered to stay at parents house. she has triplets now (wow), happilly married, work as lawyer, and is very well adjusted. her sister, my yonger cousin, moved out right away after college, didn't stay one extra day. parents asked her to stay so she can save some money, she said "no".

it also depends on personality. My DD didn't want to stay home one day after high school, we have good colleges in the area and she could say home, she said absolutelly "no". My BF's DD is in college about 2 hours away, she used to come home more often her freshman year but this year she doesn't come home that much
.
steplara, i think your SD will not be coming home as much next year, it does take time to adjust.

i have to agree with kkny that sometimes it just depends on what people can afford or what they find important. like I spend a lot I mean A LOT on books but i do not have cable and all my electronics like TV or phone or computer are so old and outdated and embarassing simply because i don't care. ha I do care about clothes so i do buy that...Other people don't.

I would talk to SO, and see what suggestions can be made to help his DD connect more at college. Joining groups in her major, taking on extra projects, etc. If she is fortunate enough to have time (I assume she doesnt work at home on weekends), she should be making the most of it. Maybe the problem is she goes to a college where most students go home for the weekend.

I just have to laugh because my mom & stepdad were soooooo the opposite. I went to school about 60 miles from where they lived and threw myself into the whole college experience (probably a bit *too* much, but that's a tale for another time...) and came home about once every month - 6 wks. And they were always wishing I'd come home more often, always wanted to do a bunch of stuff with me, like "oh! that would be a great place to go with Serenity, it'd be even more fun with her there..."

And yes, they are happily married! But I guess by that point they weren't newlyweds anymore (married about 5 yrs when I started college) and maybe the ol' "empty nest syndrome" had started to kick in... so that probably does make a difference. When they FIRST got married, I knew well enough to give them their private time if I didn't want to get nauseated by their constant "P.D.A." (public displays of affection). LOL, I guess every family's different...

It's what makes the world go 'round- how we're all so different.

My SD has actually pulled our heads apart if we kiss in front of her.

I like doing things with SD. Just not everything. Like adult parties. She ends up getting bored and we have to leave. (Which isn't always a bad thing if I'm tired. haha)

Well, there's no reason she's got to go to every little thing with you two, especially if she's going to get bored... I would have never expected to be included in everything and wasn't, either, even with my mom & step-dad there were *some* things I wasn't invited to. I had my friends and my life there so it wasn't an issue.

When the kid is on a *visit*, it's slightly dfferent, requiring a little extra sensitivity, but doesn't have to be all that different from the norm. If she's visiting for the weekend, and there's a lot of weekend visits, and it's just one or two party/outings in that space of time that she can't go to, I would think that's fine and she could find something else to do for a few hours. I say this, now, as an adult, and really believe that's true (if it's handled properly). I will admit, though, that there was an occasion in the year my dad and his (now-)wife first got together, wherein I was visiting (only saw him for a few weeks a year) and we drove 3 hours each way to another city to attend a party that I had to "sit out". At the time, I remember feeling not MAD but kind of sub-par (that's just more my style: self-directed depression rather than external-directed aggression) and wondering why I wasn't "good enough" to attend. In hindsight, I really don't think these feelings of mine were the adults' fault and I do think it would have been weird for me (13 at the time) to be at the adult party. But I will say that I think I was extra-sensitive because of the newness of the relationship b/n my Dad and his GF. The party in question was the first one where SHE was going to meet these folks (very wealthy clients for my Dad's freelance artwork I'd heard about for a long time but never met myself), and since *I* never had, it felt at the time like he was more "proud" of her than he was of me, hence the "debutante" that evening was going to be her. It was also kind of over-the-top that she spent 3 hours fussing with getting ready and had to get my Dad's opinion on every little eyeshadow-stroke, and striking poses and twirls in various dresses very "belle of the ball"-like. (Which, though she probably wasn't even thinking about it, was admittedly hard coinciding with my very awkward beginnings of puberty... The whole time they were at the party, I remember I sat watching tv, feeling fat & gross in my geeky little shorts but unable to prevent myself from downing an entire dozen Dunkin Donuts! Ick! Not my finest hour...)

Again, in hindsight, this shouldn't have been such a big deal... just saying that girls especially can be very sensitive about this sort of thing when your relationship is new, especially if many of these social outings involve you being "introduced around". I don't think your SD should have to attend all these (might make it worse if she was there, who knows?)... but you might bear this psych explanation in mind next time you're tempted to be upset with her about trying to insert herself. There was another thread relating directly to this specific topic of parties (especially with a "coming out" element) and SD's a week or so ago... I think it's a specific occurence with some possible tense effects that plenty of otherwise well-meaning adults in the newer relationships may not even begin to imagine, I guess because society tends to think of teens as wanting little to do with their parents...

It could be socioeconomic class, independent personalities, & what part of the country you live in as to how you feel about buying & spending for your children. I worked for what I had & there is more of an appreciation when something is earned. My brother & sister were given cars & they weren't as prideful as I was with mine. Also with college. I didn't have kids when I was in college & I was waitressing working the nightshift. I went into class one morning with my paycheck & complained about them taking out so many taxes. The woman sitting next to me said, "That's because they give them all to me". She had children & the state paid for her schooling, childcare, & food. I was eating Ramen noodles, working nightshift, & paying rent. I'm all for grants & financial aid but I think I had more of an appreciation of college & spending my paychecks than she did. Actually, when doing a Masters, I had my daughter & it was nice to get the financial assistance so I think grants & financial aid are terrific.
Some families are child-centered families while others are parent-centered families. Ours is a parent centered family now. Before I was a child centered family.
IMA, I'm so glad your nephew is a brave & respectable young man. They pump so many bad things into the culture. I walked through the store & all the shirts for teen girls said things like, "I'm a Princess", "I'm It", & many others that were very self-centered. I find it rather sad in a way. I'm sure most girls aren't self-centered like the media points them out to be(MTV) but it sure seems odd to me this sense of entitlement. When SD were here they watched this stupid, MySweet16. The girls on there were terrible acting.

I haven't read all of the comments yet, but wanted to respond to Serenity's astute observation:

"In most families, SD's request would have been met with a friendly laugh-off and a "yeah right" and if she pouts, she pouts. Because as out-of-line and seriously upsetting as you found her request, it's really just typical teen behavior, pushing the envelope, trying to see what they can get away with, and most parents find it little more than a slightly humorous-bordering-on-irritating annoyance that they quickly nip in the bud with little fallout. "

IME, this is very, very true. I have a 17 y.o. bio son who, like many teenagers, has a spoiled, lazy and selfish streak a mile wide. (He also has a kind, generous and responsible streak, but that's not relevant to this particular issue.) And when he comes out with something along these lines - as he often does - I do exactly what Serenity suggests and say "Yeah - sure. As soon as you're the one paying for it." And DS goes along his merry way with no fallout.

But DH -- he hears it. He listens to it. He takes it seriously. And he resents the He!! out of it that DS even says these things. He seems to believe that DS means what he's saying and feels entitled to whatever outrageous claim he's just requested. Yet he calmy ignores the similarly ridiculous things said by his own now-adult kids.

Stepparent insecurity, I guess.

This is so helpful- really- thank you to everyone.

I do feel insecure. Like I said, I don't know my place in the family, and I don't have kids of my own to compare with. So, when she says these things, I really think she means them.

This is so helpful- really- thank you to everyone.

I do feel insecure. Like I said, I don't know my place in the family, and I don't have kids of my own to compare with. So, when she says these things, I really think she means them.

You really are in a very difficult situation here because you are the first "really serious" relationship dad has been in since divorcing mom 16 years ago. You are just entering into the starting point of what is going to be a very challenging experience for you.

There is an excellent book called "Making adult stepfamilies work" by Grace Gabe and Jean Lipman-Blumen that will give you some really good tips on how to manage your feelings.

You are feeling insecure for a very good reason. Dad's daughter has now entered into competition with you for Dad. In establishing a house living situation with you her childhood has ended, and she didn't ask for it, Dad just did it.

Like all children she expected dad to be dad forever and now dad is acting like any other adult, having a life of his own. He isn't acting like a dad anymore. Now she is asking herself am I an adult or a child.

She is facing the "five furies"

#1 - Fear of Abandonment and Isolation
From now on my dad won't need me. He will have her fluttering around him all the time and I won't get to do anything alone with him anymore. So I am going to make sure I go everywhere with them too.

#2 - Fidelity to the Family
SHE isn't part of our family. Mom is still alive and now SHE is trying to be my friend and all. I already have a mom, I don't need another one.

#3 - Favoritism
Now SHE is going to get all the best and biggest rooms in the house and all I will get is a little one.

#4 - Finances
SHE is going to spend all of dad's money and my inheritance. SHE is going to get nice presents and I am not going to get anything. I want every bit as much as SHE gets.

#5 - Focus on Self
I was here first not HER. This is my dad, my family, my house and SHE is just an outsider. SHE is just trying to take what is mine.

Get the book, it will be an invaluable tool to you! It is normal, almost ALL adult children do the same thing, so you can gather from that, that it is a systemic issue.

Go very slowly and carefully and keep your expectations down low. But make no mistake this situation is very difficult. Make sure that you and your SO are a strong team or you will be played against each other. The one good thing is that you have a pretty good relationship with BM. Hopefully it stays that way, or the games will begin in ernest.

It doesn't matter why or how long ago the divorce ocurred. It doesn't matter that you are paying half the mortgage, bills, or even more. It doesn't matter if you don't combine your finances. It doesn't matter if you are 40 or 80. It doesn't matter that BM is a neglectful parent or even deceased. The furies remain until you address them.

Great list coleen. Useful for situations with grown SDs. But I think all of this is more understandable in recently divorced families. I go through that with BF's DDs. Divorce is too recent. And parents were married 28 years so it is tough for SDs to see both parents with somebody else.

But it seems that 16 years is a very long time after divorce espcially since OP's BF had other relationships(even if not that serious). I am divorced for 16 years and it feels like a very very long time to me. And DD doesn't see mom and dad as a couple, so it is kind of natural that we are involved with other people. I always thought that it is because we were divorced since she was so young but it seems like other girls see it differently. After 16 years.. seems like long enough time to be at peace with parenst having personal life. I just wonder.

I actually thought that too fine. But when I read that book I was shocked that it didn't seem to matter and was in some cases even worse the longer ago the divorce had occured.

coleen, so how do you address something like that? at this point is not like a big issue for me, i am not married and am not that sure where it all goes but what if...How do you address such furies/feelings in SDs? At some point I thought it is because it is dad/daughter relationship. But they are the same way with BM, even worse. Older SD doesn't even want to go to BM's house because BM moved in with her BF. How do you address somehting like that? I don't have to address it with DD, she doesn't care it either way neither in regards to me nor to X. She doesn't compete for anything. But how to address it when they do compete?

Like in OP's case-matsre bedroom or joining them all the time or similar with my SO's daughters. How can you address it when they are not even your kids.

My SO recognizes the issue (actually he pointed out to me about competition). i had no clue. I never had that expereince.

Like the first time it happened: i am an artist and when one of my paintings appeared at his house the first time Younger SD (in college) took it down and turned it face to the wall when we were out. SO got upset and asked why. She said painting is beatiful but she doesn't want it there. Well he put it back and she doesn't do it anymore to any of my art. But I didn't understand why she did it, i thought maybe she doesn't like my art. SO was better in udnerstanding why. His position is: it takes time and it needs to go slowly, eventually they will accept it unless we push it too hard. maybe he is right. I just don't know.

My son did the same, turned DH's pictures to face the wall. I also have pictures of my exBF's kids (taken with my kids) hanging on the wall. Once, someone put post it's to cover up BF's kids' faces. None of the kids would cop to it. I'm thinking it was the same son.

Just a quick comment about leaving parties early because SD gets bored...
Could you say one of the following?
"Here's the car keys. We'll take a cab home."
or "Here's the car keys. We'll call you when we want you to come pick up us."
or "Here's cab fare. Go home if you're bored and tired."
or "Sure, you can come, but if you get bored, you're taking a cab home and paying for it yourself."

I was 18 when my dad got married, and while I did butt heads with my SM from time to time, we got along well for the most part. I wouldn't ever have invited myself along to a party they didn't invite me to, and come to think of it, there was a couple times when I was 18 or 19 that they went out and asked if I could drop them off and pick them up because they were planning on drinking, and a couple times that they asked me (in the morning) to drive them to where they left their car because they had taken a cab home.
Just to clarify - my parents aren't crazed boozehounds; but they like to have a few glasses of wine with some friends a couple times a year and are responsible enough to not drive home.

I guess it is pretty common with pictures, but i was shocked. it wasn't a picture of a family member though but a painting done by me of something neutral, unrelated to anyone. She knows I am an artist and it was actually an award winning painting. that's why SO was upset, it is not like it was some kind of doodling. naive me thought she just didn't like the art and she does have a tendency to turn things upside down when she doesn't like them, like books covers or whatever. But SO insisted she felt threatened by my invasion of their lives. Very possible.

FD,

In many situations it isnt personal, you could be the nicest person in the world, but stepchild has all of the fealings that Coleeen enumerated, plus more, like Anger -- my life was fine. What is SHE doing here. I know that anger my DD feels toward her Dads SO (which at 16, is self-generated, not prompted by me).

My $.02, for what it's worth, take what you like from it:

I think the key to addressing these "furies" (they do exist, I can tell you from my own personal feelings having had them) is just to have some empathy for them. It's the difference between seeing the list cited above as "evidence" or "proof" of SD's rotten-ness versus truly trying to imagine yourself in SD's shoes to be able to see how good, average, decent people might have those feelings in these situations. Books like the one mentioned aren't written (hopefully!) as a warning to never marry someone with kids because the SK's "furies" are liquid evil incarnate, nor are they written to create even deeper rifts/divides between step-parents and step-children. They're written to help people understand all sides of the issue so they can be more compassionate and sensitve to each other's needs/feelings so they can become closer.

For example, I've heard accounts from many SM's throughout my life about how upset/jealous/irate they have become just looking at their SD's giving their Dad a hug... or having such thoughts as "why should SHE get an Ipod when all I had was a big clunky 8-track when I was her age?" or "it burns me up how spoiled SD expects college to be paid for when I didn't even go at all". I guess you might call these sorts of feelings "furies" as well... Ipod, master bedroom, college expenses... all are comparsions between both parties as to "who gets to get what" and hugging Dad/going to adult party with Dad are issues on both sides of "who gets Dad's primary attention today"... So that might make it easier to understand. And just as an SM doesn't want to be judged or condemned as rotten through-and-through for feelings such as these (or even occasional, natural private feelings of "hate" when moments are at their worst), same goes for SK's.

As for what can be done about all this, imho there's no way around both parties having to walk on eggshells a bit more than is usual in bio families, each trying to bend over backwards (within reason) to consider the other's sensitivities, even if at some moments it feels like eating glass. Even if it feels like they shouldn't *have* to make the extra effort. Taking some minor amount of cr*p here and there, up to a limit. Being somewhat flexible and definitely keeping a sense of humor. Showing an appropriate amount of humility and real-ness with the other party so neither comes off like they think they're superior or out to muscle their way on everything. The art of meeting halfway and mutual sacrifice for the greater good, the art of picking and even sometimes *losing* "battles" for a bigger long-term picture. Getting a lot less picky about little petty junk, for if nothing else your own sanity. Knowing that you can only control/change yourself and your own actions and figuring out how to adjust accordingly and react to situations to your satsfaction without thinking someone else will change. And as for speaking up and feeling heard, learning about something called "assertiveness training" helps A LOT (it's definitely helped me, anyways...)

oh yeah kkny, certainly nothing personal. SD started to do stuff like that before she even knew me or met me or anything plus I actually am nice. I was surprised that my SO was better in recognizing it, he actually said this is nothing to do with you, this is to do with them concerned over their place in their parents' lives. I have bo doubts your DD dislike her dad's GF-she was TOW. No wonder. My DD actually was rather skeptical in regards to dad's new GF. DD felt loyalty to her SM whom she did like.

When DD met and spent time with new GF she said that she felt very strange: she felt prepared to dislike new GF because she participated in breaking dad's family but then because TOW is so nice and normal it was very hard to have any bad feelings towards her so she ended up liking her. But then he didn't leave me, she would probably feel different if it would be me.

As I think of it now if my father would leave my mother now for TOW I doubt I would want to be friends with her ever. I just don't see myself liking somebody my dad would prefer to my mom. And I am not 16.

Wow, thank you Colleen for the list and the title of the book! Am going to order that from Amazon today!

I've experienced a lot of the "why does SHE get..." questions and comments. A lot. A LOT. I guess because I never questioned why my mother got fancy cars and jewelry from my dad and slept in the master bedroom, etc. I just don't get why it's happening to me.

A few times she has complained to her dad that she never gets to spend time alone with him anymore. So they'll go out to breakfast without me. I'm OK with that because I remember when my dad and I would go to the grocery store together or something and it was neat to just be me and dad. Of course, that was when I was 10 years old, but... I try to "give up" time with him so that it can just be the two of them sometimes, too. Like a day snowmobiling when I am supposed to go with them, I'll bow out.

Off to amazon.com now...

Steplara,
I think you're on the right track. Look how hopeful & caring you are trying to making life easier for all involved. Good for you! You deserve a good pat on the back because it is difficult what you're going through. I've been the SD & SM. Good luck to you & keep your chin up.

I swear I'm not going to point out the following to be snarky, but just to get to the heart of the matter:

You wrote: "I never questioned why my mother got fancy cars and jewelry from my dad and slept in the master bedroom, etc. I just don't get why it's happening to me."

The simple answer --at the root of this whole complicated (but yes sometimes wonderful) thing called a stepfamily-- is that it's happening because you're NOT her mother. Not even close... I don't mean that in terms of "measuring up" to her mother (that has nothing to do with it at all) but simply because of the facts of the different relationships. You're not raising her, she's not living with you permanently, she's too old for you to even have the quasi-"mothering" responsibilities for, you're not married to her father and you've only been with him a year. In no way does your role come close to being that of "mother", so it's fruitless to make that particular comparison. You'll just bewilder and upset yourself if you do.

Like it or not, and through no fault of your own (or of SD's, or of BF's, or of BM's), the nature of every stepfamily situation is that questions will arise and comparisons will be made. And like I said earlier, it won't be just SD making them. The fact that you just now compared SD's questioning of you to how, as a child, you regarded your mother proves this point exactly!

I'm REALLY not trying to jab you or to suggest in any way that you have done something wrong. You fell in love with a man with a daughter and "stepped" into a situation that has a predictable set of challenges... and also lots of questioning all around! Because what's unknown, what's UN-predictable, is how you all will handle these challenges. You ARE definitely on the right track seeking advice, gathering info, reading, and talking to BF. That's half of the solution right there! Already sooo much more care than many people put into their family dynamics, step or bio included. As the time goes on, you all will learn a lot more... no reason for anyone to expect that any one of the three of you will have all your ducks in a row and behave perfectly off the bat. Hang in there and best of luck!

Steplara, I'm glad to hear that you're making sure SD gets some time alone with her dad.
My SM was bad for that one for a long time... And my dad just wasn't getting it through his head that we wanted one-on-one time (or four-on-one) with him. I was 18 when they got married, and the first time I managed to get him on his own for lunch after that was when I was 21!!
I love my SM, but sometimes it's nice to just spend a little time with my dad. And my parents understand that now too.

One of the things that's nicest about time with just Dad is that we get a chance to talk freely about my mom (who died 10 years ago, when I was 16). My SM was friends with my mom and is fine with photos of her and conversations about her etc, but I think Dad feels a bit disloyal to my SM when he and I have a big conversation about Mom when SM is around - and that's OK by me, I understand how he might feel that way.

As a result, I try to make sure to ask A__ often "Do you want me to stay at Dad's tonight too?" Or "Do you want some time for just you and Dad? It's TOTALLY OK for you to want time with just Dad, and don't worry that it will hurt my feelings. I like to spend time with me Dad just on his own, so I understand that you probably do too" He's taken me up on it once.
But I also often say "You know, I'm not hungry. You guys go for lunch without me" or "I have some work to do in the lab. I'm going to campus for the afternoon. But I'll come home at 4 to make supper for us all" so he gets time with BF all on his own.

IMO, stepping aside for parent/child one-on-one is absolutely vital to good stepfamily relations! Keep it up Lara!

steplara you sound reasonable. good luck. and kids of any age do need time with one of the parents alone. I still like to do girly stuff with my mother without dad. and I like to spend time with DD without my BF there. it is necessary. but then again it has to be balanced. breakfast alone or snowmobling is fine. 24/7 being with dad is not normal.