I too have heard about not saying Thanks, but my training is too strong!! Here, we say 'when the leaves on the lilacs are the size of mouse ears', it's time to plant peas. They don't say which lilacs, or which mice....and, we are not safe to put tomatoes and other tenders out till the Victoria Day Weekend, which is now just the may long weekend - which is a week before our New York counter-parts!!

dotz, I'm sorry for yours and your husband's situation. The sad part of all, is if your SS has children, he is teaching them through his example, how they should someday treat him. My mom made it clear she didn't like my stepmom and didn't want us to like her either. There are four of us in our family and while my two sisters rallied with my mom and didn't like my stepmom, I came to resent my mom for wanting me to choose and for saying nasty things about someone I liked. (My brother liked and got along with my stepmom but I don't remember my mom saying anything to him. He was out of the house when my dad remarried) I could see my stepmom did nothing to anyone to cause them to dislike her, they did it just because my mom would crack jokes or dig for info and then say nasty things about it. I can't say how my sisters felt, but it made me uncomfortable and I was a teenager. I can only imagine how torn some young kids feel. I'm sure some are not torn, they will do whatever it takes to please their parent. It is on a case by case basis because each child is going to have a different personality and have their own feelings about it, regardless of what the parent says or does. It's my belief that even the kids that rally with the parent, may someday come to realize what their parent did was wrong, probably after they become parents and/or stepparents themselves and experience the difficulty in raising (someone else's) child and possibly dealing with the bio parent of their stepchild. They may also resent the parent that causes friction in their relationship with the other parent. When I read of an estrangement, I often wonder if that might have something to do with it. But, since history is often rewritten, who knows? I'm sure there are plenty of other reasons too. My point is, it's terrible how what someone (either parent) does to a young child, may follow that child into adulthood and even old age... and also impact generations to come.

We don't censor ourselves for either X, but we aren't really big on the PDA. Lets say X and I are already at DS's baseball game and FDH walks up.....FDH will give me a peck on the lips and say "hello". X's GF will do the same thing to X. But BM and SF.......they don't EVER act affectionate. They don't even laugh or smile at eachother when the other shows up. I kind of feel sad for them (especially him). The way they are so apathetic makes me think they aren't happy together. I grew up in a home where everyone loved eachother, but showed a moderate amount of affection. I think my parents show more PDA now than they ever have. But like I have said before, I want my kid(s) (including step) to see what a loving relationship is like. And I think minimal PDA is okay for that. Now, I would never go doing what happened in OP's situation. That's just gross. And besides I think it causes resentment from the kids. But I will hold hands or smile or give a peck on the cheek. I'm not going to stop that just because she (BM) didn't feel the same way I do about him.

Sieryn - Our BM's could be twins. The one I have to deal with is actually diagnosed as bi-polar but refuses meds and treatment so she continues to live her life in the erratic, undisciplined fashion that she chooses. I refer to her as "Jerry Springer's wet dream." She dresses like a slut, she smokes, she drinks, she apparently uses heroin, she lives with her "boyfriend" who's still married to someone else... She doesn't pay CS, and in fact hasn't paid a dime for him in about 9 months. She didn't even buy him a birthday present. She doesn't have a bedroom for him at her house and he sleeps on a cot in the family room. He tells us that he doesn't like going there b/c his mom forgets to brush his teeth and forgets to put him to bed. A SIX year old has to remind his own mother to brush his teeth and put him to bed. Although, she does feed him her regular diet of McDonald's - at least it's not trash from the dumpster. She gets cranky and gripes at DH that I'm "stealing her job." His response (I love him), "she can't steal what you freely give away." I will never owe this woman an apology and will probably never get the thanks she owes me for doing her job. I never wanted to get involved with someone who had kids, and I resisted this relationship for months and months, but when it makes sense, it makes sense. His son loves me, he loves me - we'll finally be the family that they both deserve. If, by some small miracle, she EVER gets her act together enough to at least *pretend* to be his mother, I will gladly foster that relationship. Until then, I'm involved in all of the parenting decisions and I am the one who mothers him. If she has a problem with it - she needs to clean herself up and gain some self respect.