My daughter doesn't care about me.

22 years ago

I feel like a stepfather..About 4 years ago I decided that my relattionship with my wife was getting knowhere. So thinking that i had all the answers I left my family to pursue my career. I had to relocate and spent almost 2 years

away. Well I returned and sadly enough we divored. Now my daughter is almost 5 years old and is really distant. I know what you all are thinking but I have been back almost 2 years and I have been trying everything to win her love back but she doesn't seem to care the least bit and it kills. I know that I can never compete against her mother or against her grandmother. I dont want to give up but on the other hand this child of mine refuses to recognize father figures. Should I bow out and hope that one day she will come to her senses. Believe me its no fun seeing her upset because its Sunday and the mother needs to convince her to go with me.

Comments (8)

Juliana_9
22 years ago
You must really feel terrible. I really don't know what to suggest but if I were you I would keep trying. You simply can not give up, as she gets older she will realize how hard you tried and will probably come around at that time.
buffy_durst
22 years ago
I don't feel the least bit sorry for you. You may think that is harsh , but I am sick of parents like you. You expect that you can go off and live your life forget about your kids, but they are expected to take you back as if nothing ever happened. It does not work that way. You did not care enough about her to stay around. You put your career before your own flesh and blood that is abandonment. Any way you look at it. I will probably get flamed from saying all of this but someone needed too.
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Hi Joe, My situation is similar to yours. My ss was 2 when I married his mother (now heÂs 8), he is also disinterested in his father whom he rarely sees. I'm not surprised these kids arenÂt interested in someone where there is no pre-existing bond. How can biology in itself be meaningful to a small kid who doesnÂt know the birds and the bees? The disinterest gets worse when they start school, with competing activities, and little in common to talk about. By the age of 8 you canÂt get by with the simple conversation you have with a 3 year old. It gets more distant year on year. This may sound very sad, but my ss certainly doesn't grieve over it. There is no sense of loss at all. One theory I have for the problem: most kids enter stepfamilies old enough to remember living with both parents and forming a bond with them. The message for these kids in the books and research is to regard your biological father as your main dad. This makes sense. But it is ridiculous to apply the same advice to really small kids who never formed a bond with the departed parent. I reckon the experience of both our boys will have more in common with adopted kids than with stepchildren. I wish things like visitation schedules took this into account, where it is all kept fairly low key, and without the intensity of these drawn out visits which are more for the sake of the father's guilt than any benefit to the child. The big problem is that an absent father can be full of good times, treats, no boundaries while we need to set boundaries and sometimes do things that donÂt win popularity contests. If you want a light-hearted angle on this, go to http://www.theonion.com/onion3605/new_mommy_prettier.html, which expresses the point beautifully. We also went through the phoning thing when my ss was about 3 and it was a disaster Â he was too young for phone calls with someone he barely knows and would put the phone down and walk off. I believe my ss should know who his father is, see him occasionally, and know the truth of his origins - it takes away the mystery that could make the man otherwise appealing. And shouldn't be poisoned against him - the kid doesn't need bitterness in his life. But I think it is ridiculous to expect him to give this joker any particular revered fatherly status, which I think should be reserved for the man who does the work of raising him.
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ChristineNJ
22 years ago
Hope that one day she will come to her senses? She is FIVE! I can see where you are hurting from this problem but don't place the blame on a child, it is not your daughter's responsibility to make your relationship with her work. You are her father, you are supposed to love her unconditionally, not only have a relationship with her if she meets the emotional needs you have as a father.
If you love your daughter then you need to keep trying no matter how hurt she makes you feel, because whatever hurt you have now is nothing compared to the hurt she will have later on if you decide not to have a relationship with her. You are fortunate that even though you made the mistake of not being in her life for a couple of years, she is young still and with some time and effort you can have a good relationship with her. If you keep leaving her, as she gets older the chances of you mending your relationship get smaller and smaller.
jenn
22 years ago
Christine gave excellent advice. And if you keep leaving her, she will never trust men. She is probably afraid to trust you now since you already left before. Don't give up, no matter how she reacts to you -- Christine is right, it isn't up to her to meet your needs... it's up to you to meet hers no matter how she makes you feel. Pursue a relationship with her, build her trust by keeping your word (show up when you say you will and be on time, etc) and she will begin to trust you little by little. It is not about her "coming to her senses", for she is perfectly accurate in her feelings about you (you abandoned her and now she doesn't trust you, a very normal reaction when one is abandoned). It is 100% up to you to build a relationship and earn her trust.

Hang in there! It will be hard but you will not regret it.
vikkijo
22 years ago
My boyfriend moved out from his family's home over a year ago. I've seen his kids yell "I hate you!" and be very rude to him on many occasions. Sometimes they even refused to go with him during his visitation time. Despite the anger and the lack of understanding, he never gives up. He calls them every evening and arrives to pick them up on time. He ends every phone call with "I love you." Gradually, things are getting better. They know they can count on him to be there, no matter what.

My point is that your child may need to express anger, indifference, etc. It may take a long time before she has worked it through. I agree with Christine and Jenn. Hang in there! It will be worth it.
RosieL
22 years ago
Those 2 years to you were half of her life. You can't just come bouncing in and have her love you. It may take years to gain that love, but hang in there and it will happen. Bonding takes time. She won't love you just because you fathered her. She is not a little adult, but a young child. Actually, as an adult if someone did that to me, I would tell them to take a long walk on a short pier.
godey
22 years ago
Your daughter is only five years old. I don't believe that she is able to the choice that she doesn't care about you. She doesn't know you!!. If you want to develop a relationship with her you need to stay and make that happen. You are responsible for whatever happens between you and your daughter. She is not old enough to understand.
You can not rush this, it will take time for her to trust you and to get to know you. I have 3 step-children, they live with me and my husband full time. They do see their bio mom on alternating weekends and when it is convienenent for her to be a mom. This has caused them to have many differnt issues. The relationship that we have with our parents forms all future relationships. You just can't walk away from her ,expecting one day that it will all work out. It won't. You have to put your feelings aside, as painful as they maybe for you, and focus on your daughter's.
Maybe you can spend time with her and her mother for short periods of time. It sounds like she needs to develop a level of comfort with you. That will only come through time and patience with her. She needs a strong relationship with you and it needs to be on solid ground. This will effect how she relates to men her entire life!
JoeTypist
21 years ago
> I know that I can never compete against her mother or against her grandmother.

Let me ask you this: If you have a friend, do you ask how you can compete with his wife for his love and affection? Or with his mother?

Love is not a zero-sum game; there's not only so much of it to go around. Your relationship with your daughter stands on its own merits.

Worrying over the mother or the grandmother matters only if they're actively interfering with your ability to see your daughter. Are they? If they are, do they have valid reasons to?

If they aren't, then what you control is the energy and quality and time you give your daughter. You don't control your daughter's thoughts. Her thoughts will be formed and informed by your actions, not your intentions. Actually be the person you want her to believe you are -- all the time.

That's what you control. If you do that, then it's up to her. If you don't do that, well...you get what you pay for, you know?

My daughter doesn't care about me.

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