Call child protective services. I can understand your concern about creating more problems. However, I think you should know (as a previous mandated reporter) that this is serious and there is obviously some sexual abuse going on. If you don't now, what do you think could happen in her future?

I doubt she is actually abused. And some of the stuff might be just coming from school what she hears from other boys and girls not necessarilly from home but...If the other mom is concerned as well then maybe kids get to see and hear too much when they are in BM's and her BF's house. can DH talk to BM about it or even to BM's BF? maybe kids watch adult movies when they are there? In any case I wouldn't call CPS right away. Try to talk to BM and if she starts acting weird then act accordingly. watch her reaction.

Abuse does consist of watching sexual activity at that age. She got that from somewhere.

One thing I did forget to mention that she told me BF's son said that BM & BF take showers together (to save water) and they stay in there a long time. She said her kids are naive and may not know what's going on but I know SD does know. A couple of years ago, when DH & I went into my room to talk so she couldn't hear us, when we came out a couple of minutes later, she said "I know what you were doing". She was 6 at the time.

DH had another problem with BM earlier today, she had called him yesterday to pick up SD from school early. He said no, she's done it a few times already without telling him & he let the school know he doesn't want her to continue it. She said fine, she'll get her after school. Then he gets a call from the school saying she's there. DH told them no, she can't take her early. BM called DH and yelled at him that he was interfering with her time with her daughter. He told her that it's his time until she gets out of school. Then BM tells him that she's got an appointment for SD at a psychologist at 4, so he relents and tells her this is the last time. Then, he sent her an email that, among other things, he asked her to send him the bill from today's visit so he can pay his half right away. She writes back (at 4:11, when the appointment is supposed to be at 4) that she isn't asking him to pay half so she doesn't need to send him the bill. Then she goes on to say that I am psychologically abusing her daughter because I give her oatmeal. I give her oatmeal for breakfast but SD wants me to fry eggs, which I don't usually have time to do.

With all the problems you already have with her I do not know if calling CPS is the best idea, especially in this case. Her behavior does not definately indicate sexual abuse. This day in age kids talk about too much with their friends at such a young age! And different t.v. shows, the internet, and music videos portray lots of things young kids should not be exposed to. Her mom may just be at fault for a lack of supervision of media sources when sd is there.

I would save the note and have dh have a conversation with bm about this worrysome behavior. Document the date/time/outcome of conversation and keept it somewhere safe with the note. Document all the "sexual" behaviors your sd is exhibiting. If BM laughs it off and you know for sure the behaviors are a direct result of something at bm's home, and the behaviors persist then deal with it. And at that point at least you will have some more info to give to cps that would validate your concerns.

Also, maybe it is time for "the talk" with sd about what sex means and the consequences of sex. Maybe she has no idea what she is saying and doing and that will change the behaviors.

You are abusing her by giving her oatmeal. lol and obviously she never took her to any apt.

Nivea, it is possible that there is abuse. I am just suggesting for DH to talk to her first instead of calling CPS right away.

I can't imagine anyone at age 6 saying to adults: i know what you were doing. Awful. And why BF's son talks about showers? I wonder if it is something that bothers him? Why would he talk about it?

My BD and SD are both 9, and they have never heard anything about sex at school. Junior high age maybe, but not at 9. I think that a 9 year old writing about having sex is extremely odd and would worry me to death.

Both our girls know what sex is and that that's where babies come from, but I don't think the idea that it might be pleasurable has even crossed their minds. They both acted like it was totally disgusting when they were told.

I say call CPS, and they'll look into it. It's not like they'll go over there and say who called them. Quite frankly, if your SD displays some of these behaviors at school, I wouldn't be surprised if a school official called them to have it looked into.

mom2emall, I don't know if you remember my previous concerns on other threads, but BM has had sex with her former boyfriend in front of SD (when she was much younger) and SD has been in counseling for almost a year with us. The counselor has explored this also. I am waiting for the counselor to call me back to see what she thinks. We've been dealing with the issue of SD's inappropriate behavior (she was almost tossed off the bus for sitting on an 7th grade boys lap and trying to hug & kiss him) but now it's affecting the other children.

and the son that told his mom that they were taking long showers is 10 years old. I think he knows what's going on but his mom thinks he's naive. I think he wants his mom to make it stop. He probably feels uncomfortable with it. His parent's just got divorced a few months ago and now he's seeing his dad takes a shower with new GF? I think it's wrong on a few levels. They don't have custody of ANY kids. They are alone Monday thru Friday so why would they need to do that when the kids are there? No self control? I've said many times that BM is selfish and puts her needs above her kids, but BF's ex wife said she's surprised because he's always been a great father and puts his kids first. Now he's behaving more like BM.

"Both our girls know what sex is and that that's where babies come from, but I don't think the idea that it might be pleasurable has even crossed their minds. They both acted like it was totally disgusting when they were told."

I don't think SD thinks of it as 'pleasurable', I think that she's modeling mom's behavior that acting sexy makes guys like you. She wants to be 'popular' and thinks it's important for guys to like her. I don't think she has a clue what it really means and one of these days, a guy that she latches onto is going to take advantage of her and she'll be hurt, confused and forever changed. Her mom may not see it that way or even care, but I do.

I bet you if something fishy is going on, both BM and her BF would lose visitations. But it would hurt children. Oh my, what a situation. Bot what DH says? It is his kid after all, what are his plans and views on this?

I have read so many posts I can not always remember who posted what topic! What does your dh think about calling cps? It does sound like the bm's behavior is quite inappropriate! And showering with a new bf in front of your kids? My goodness!! My dh and I do not even shower together when the kids are awake (and we are married!)

I do think that the bm and her bf should save their sexual stuff for when they are kid-free (which sounds like most of the time!) My skids bm used to have sex with her bf when skids were at her house overnight. They would go in the bedroom during the day and just have sex while the kids were in the other room....oldest sd told us she was worried about her mom because during the day mom and bf would go into the other room and her mom sounded like she was yelling really funny and making noises! I just thought it was in poor taste...they could have AT LEAST waited until the kids were in bed sleeping before they did that stuff! Wouldn't you think that bm would want to spend time with her kids since she rarely saw them? The more I think about all the stuff bm used to do in front of the kids the more I am happy that she moved so far away and rarely sees the kids!

Maybe "pleasurable" wasn't quite the right choice of words. Maybe desirable or necessary in order to be liked, taken care of, or loved was more along the lines of what I was thinking.

It's just really such a shame that an 8 year old would be trying to be sexy and already be thinking of using sex as a tool to get things, and I do find teaching this sort of behavior to be abusive.

Your SD is lucky to have you and your husband caring for her and worrying over her best interests, and I sincerely hope and pray that you two will make all the right choices in regards to her and that she'll grow up to be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted.

I wouldn't delay reporting this just to keep from creating bigger problems with the ex. It seems to me that the ex is creating these problems herself, with little regard to the well-being of your SD. I think you know in your heart what's right and what's necessary, and I know that if action needs to be taken, that you'll do so.

DH does have some concern over the backlash from his ex when he reports it. We are going to discuss it with her counselor (we are waiting for her to call us back) and then before he reports it, he's going to also talk to the other mom involved.

yes, since there are more children involved it needs to be discussed with other mom. you need to be on the same page. if bm and bf are taking showers and doing other stuff, what do kids do at the same time? probably watch something not age appropriate on TV.

I don't know why, but my posts aren't showing up here.

Anyway, if it was your child and there was any possibility of abuse, wouldn't you want someone to intervene?

The OP herself stated as a mandated reporter, she would have reported this long ago. There is not much more she can do, she doesn't have any power in this situation to change anything.

If anything, this child needs counseling which CPS can defnitely help with.

are you asking me? This wouldn't happen to my child, not in my family, we don't hang out with people who engage in inappropriate sexual behavior in front of children. We don't marry them, don't have children with them and don't hang out with them. Not our kind of people. I don't want to sound snobby but none of this would happen on neither side of DD's family-neither mine nor x's. But if it would happen in my family, I would want to do something about it of course. But I would suggest DH investigates a bit, talks to other people involved, talks to his DD's counselor and then report to CPS. I don't think SM should be doing it, unless she and DH agree on it.

Fine, I wouldn't dream of doing anything in this situation without my husband's full approval and involvement. We talked about it over dinner and agreed we will tell the counselor the facts and about reporting it to CPS and if she feels it's a situation that needs to be reported, he'll ask her to report it. Then, he can honestly tell BM that he didn't report it. I know he's worried about how BM will react. She gets hostile and tries to intimidate. She had the nerve to tell the BM of her BF's kids that 'it's none of her f-ing business' when she was trying to discuss their children. She's been with him, what? five months?

I know iammommy, it would be wrong to do anything like that and not ask DH. it is just that nivea seems on insisting you have to run to CPS right away. It sounded like she was asking me if I would want to do something about it because I don't think running to CPS right away is a good idea.. Of course I would do something.

I think stories like this teach people one thing: think twice who you have children with. You might be a decent person and your DH might be a decent man but if the other parent is a moron then you end up with situation like your SD.

Counselor should report on the basis what SD discusses with her during sessions. I would suggest DH doesn't report anything himself because it will backfire. I hope it gets resolved.

We spoke with the counselor this morning. She said she would talk to SD but without proof that those things are truly happening, a call to CPS would only create more hostility from BM. She did say that SD is very protective of BM and at our house, she doesn't talk about her very much. Every once in a while, she will blurt something out but we don't even ask her what she did on the weekend, we just tell her that we hope she had a good weekend.

I wish there was a way to 'warn' BM's BF about her pattern.. all of her past relationships were with recently divorced men (my husband included) and with my DH and her 1st husband, she got pregnant right away and started talking marriage (yes, she talked marriage with my DH even though she is STILL married to her 1st DH) and she's been with this guy five months and talking marriage in the first few weeks. She's financially taken advantage of every guy she's tried to get serious with. But, he's in love and not likely to listen to anyone. It's like waiting for a train wreck to happen. My DH hopes they stay together because it keeps her out of our daily lives but I would rather have BM wreaking havoc in our lives than the lives of her BF's innocent children. I can't change that BM is SD's mom but she is a bad influence on her BF's kids and that is another train wreck. I feel bad for their BM.

finedreams,

Are you reading what I wrote? Please show where I am insisting that OP needs to run to CPS right away.

I was responding to your cavalier approach to a possiblity of abuse by somehow referencing abuse to oatmeal.

You have stated yourself that it wouldn't happen in your family and became very defensive when I asked you.

I am glad a counselor is involved. However, I do think it is a shame when people turn a blind eye to possible abuse because they are afraid to rock the boat. That is exactly how abuse goes on for years.

We are definitely NOT turning a blind eye. We are going to watch like hawks for proof that will substantiate any future allegations. The counselor did mention that if we make an allegation and it's not substantiated, we will look like we are out to get her, as she's already claimed. Then, BM would be on notice to be more discreet or careful (she already has SD protecting her). The counselor is not going to ignore this, she's going to try to get SD to open up and find out if there really is a reason to get CPS or other authorities involved.

imamommy,

My last comment wasn't directed towards you. I don't think you are turning a blind eye.

Well, We went to pick up SD tonight and BM tried to start a fight with me. She started yelling at me that her daughter doesn't like oatmeal or peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and giving that to her is 'psychological' abuse. I tried to keep my cool and told her if she thinks I'm abusing her daughter, she should call CPS. She said she will (not sure if she's serious because she has made empty threats before), then she said I am not her daughter's mom and that I had better not take it out on SD that she told me this and I told her she's lost her mind if she thinks I would take it out on SD because she has a problem with me. She told me to shut my mouth and then threatened DH that she's taking him back to court. The entire time, DH was telling her 'not in front of SD' and she kept going. Her BF just stood there silent. SD was obviously upset. When we got outside, I apologized to SD that I said anything. I tried so hard to keep my cool and she challenged me to hit her. It was terrible and she is probably going to demand that I stay away, which would probably be best. I haven't wanted to hit anyone since grade school and under the circumstances, I think I held back 99%.

nivea, you have no clue what we are talking about. I know imamommy's crazy BM's ideas. BM said imamommy is abusing SD because she feeds her oatmeal. So I am making fun of stupid BM upset over oatmeal breakfast. You are new here so you don't know what was dicussed previously. imamommy's SD had crazy BM. so i don't know what YOU are talking about.

nivea, i don't need to be defensive, there is no abuse in my family. It is not my family that is discussed her. you asked if I would do anything should somehting like this happen to my kid. Of course I would, but we do not have children with trashy people so there is no way the other parent would abuse my child. I don't come around trashy people in my life. So my situation is irrelevant.

In Ima's case, she is absolutely correct, that calling CPS without any kind of proof is only going to make the situation worse. Continual allegations of abuse that cant be substantiated with physical evidence are very suspect to the courts, and the last thing ima and her husband need is to be accused of trying to cause trouble without a basis.

IMa and her husband have a very tense, volatile situation with the mother of the girl. BM has rages, has poor judgement about parenting issues, and seems to have one helluva lot of hosility remaining toward ima and her husband . Some people are like that. They cant let go of the hate because it gives them a way of staying involved in the broken marriage.

The BM continually makes threats of CPS, accuses ima and hubby of abuse, and in general, cant work on anything civilly. Ima;s husband also makes threats of CPS, and accusations of abuse. These are two people with so much animosity that they cant work together.

CPS in this case is being bandied around like a threat. Its unlikely that it would be taken seriously without being reported by an outsider. The suggestion to have the counsellor report it is a good one.