Here's the thing in my situation ... BM knows the children are with me certain hours of the day its not a hidden fact. So when BM is calling to change times etc. She is calling hubby who she knows is at work because she is calling his work cell phone. So then he has to call me for me to adjust my schedule to "accomodate" her needs. So yes if she is supposed to be here at 3 to pick the kids up ... hubby is still at work I am the one home with them ... I have said it over and over for 2 years.... do not include me in the time change if you're not going to be here then the time needs to reflect when you are going to be home so you can make the exchange. It is finally that way after 2 years. Unless of course BM needs to change the times again. Like if she can't pick them up afterschool for whatever reason. So yes it would make sense for her to directly call me to shift my schedule. But in her thinking "he is the one inconveniencing me" well if you call him at work for everytime you "need" him to adjust the schedule around your wants or be there for the children when you should be then who are you really inconveniencing? besides the children of course? I have even said to her after she was rambling on and on how unaccomodating he is ... that if he got out of work everytime she called to change times he wouldn't have a job he would have to be a SAHD to accomodate you and that her CS would be outrageous. Yes parents should be flexible but when its only one parent doing the flexing that is unfair. I kept repeating to hubby when she would call to change this or that ... when she asks you something ask yourself would she do it for you? then ask her while she is asking you do to for her ask her to do something for you .... exchange answers then if not be firm and say no .... he finally grew a back bone after her saying numerous times "WHY should I do you any favors??" his answers got easier for him as the time went on. He realized she wouldn't do anything that wasn't court ordered..... Asked her for a year to take the kids on a one weekend night one time ... didn't matter when and she could not accomodate ... her answer "take me to court" ok so he goes to court the judge orders every friday and saturday ... 3 months in ... she asks ... do you think he would take the kids on a saturday night???? I'd like to have one saturday night off to go out with friends....I said I know what his answers will be... what do you mean?? well he asked you for a year and your answers were .... "why should I do you any favors? and take me to court" so I could bet money those will be his responses to you for atleast a year. But you are certainly free to ask him. And as far as my SM vision works ... if it had snowed 4 inches at IMA's and her hubby was supposed to pick up his DD come hell or high water if hubby wasn't there getting her BM would have flipped out so don't bother using the snow excuse some people just want everything their way or no way. And are only willing to accomodate themselves and no one else. In Ima's situation BM (SM vision again) is supposed to pick the child up afterschool on a friday but calls most weeks to change the time to 6 pm or later because she doesn't want to drive alone the 2 hours to get her daughter so she waits for the BF to get home from work then makes the 2 hour trek. So pick up daughter at 6 after dinner of course. Then drives 2 hours back home if she stops along the way to visit her other child then its an even longer trip .... who is inconvienced there I would say it was the child 4 hours every weekend in a car. Wow that sounds like a lot of fun. Its common courtesy to be where you are supposed to be when you are supposed to be. Say you took a second job on a friday night knowing your child(ren) were going to NCP's every weekend right from school. But then NCP starts calling well I can't get there til 6 pm do you quit your job? or do you tell NCP too bad I have to be somewhere figure out a way? Or NCP is supposed to take the children to dinner on Wed nights... from 5 to 8 ok great so you decide to take a pottery class or whatever .... "knowing" you have adjusted your schedule around your children. Then NCP starts cancelling. Now you have already paid for the class in full no refunds. Do you tell NCP ok this one time but I am taking a pottery class or do you drop what you are doing to accomodate NCP?

Posted by triximky (My Page) on Tue, Feb 17, 09 at 20:24 I have a fiance with a child and a past...He has been sober for the past 2 years, attends AA, and his wife will not 'allow' him to drive his child. There is nothing in the divorce papers saying he can't drive, but she insist that he doesn't drive and expects me to do all the driving. They are going to court for this soon, but it has been a year since we have 'respected' her wishes. I wouldn't mind doing it all the time, if I was well....I have problems driving with my lupus. We both don't know what to do except for him to start driving without her 'approval' and hope nothing bad happens. I am just too tired to do it anymore especially since I just got out of surgery yesterday and now my doctors have refused to look into why I am exhausted all the time until I recover from my surgery for at least a month. I don't want to 'tell' his ex that my health is bad because she would either force my fiance to visit his daughter at her house like the 'happy little family' she wants back after I stole it away from her or will try to stop visitation at all. She is just very prejudice when it comes to her daughter and my disability thinking that I am diseased and her daughter shouldn't be exposed to me. It's frustrating! I just don't know what to do??? ************************************************************************************** I re-posted your other thread because as believer mentioned, there are relevant facts about you being the breakup of their 'happy little family' and that your BF has been sober for two years, which suggests other issues are going on... probably more than can be dealt with on a public forum. But since you have brought it here, I'll toss out my honest opinion... for what it's worth. Take it or leave it, I don't care. If you caused his marriage to break up or if you prevented a reconciliation before his break up was complete, then you will always be seen as the other woman. You don't sound as if you are very secure in the relationship itself as you don't want him to have visitation at her house, without you. Even if SHE wants him back, and she probably does if she feels you stole him away, that doesn't mean HE would go back, does it? Personally, I could not be with someone that I could not trust. Your insecurity over your BF is probably why you are becoming so invested in all the issues between him and his ex when you aren't even married to him. What is HE doing to help you feel secure? What is he doing that makes you feel insecure? I don't like my DH's ex but if the only way he could see his daughter was in her house every Saturday afternoon without me, I would not like it but I wouldn't think she has a snowballs chance in hell of 'winning' him back and he would go see his daughter. If he wants to drive to get his daughter and he has a license, then she does not control that. He can ask a court to give him permission to transport his daughter or he can make BM bring his daughter to him. YOU don't need to be involved at all. It does not matter how much money she makes, how much he makes or how much child support is paid, if she can't make ends meet and he can't give her any more, then it's NOT your problem. You don't have to respond to her requests for money. You don't have to answer your phone if you see it's her. You don't have to be involved at all. If you are involving yourself because you don't trust him to handle things and it stresses you out, who's fault is that? I don't mean to sound harsh but as I read through your other posts, I can't help but wonder why you are jeopardizing your health, dealing with problems you don't have to deal with. I can understand you wanting to jump in and take care of things because that's what we do as women sometimes. I've done it. But, I also know that if it's affecting my health and causing me more stress than it's worth, I am not going to let her cause my health to suffer.

It doesn't matter if it's your first, second or fifth marriage, you have to look out for yourself because nobody else is. A second wife should not depend on a guy anymore than a first wife should. I agree that it's fair to be compensated when you put your career on hold to have children and take care of the family, but it's not fair to think you will walk away from the marriage with a better financial position than the person that is the higher wage earner. It's not fair but life's not fair. If it were, men would be giving birth, not us. Your advice KKNY to not get involved with a man with children and not expect him to provide financial and other support is good advice. I wouldn't date a guy that didn't see or support his children. I also wouldn't date a guy that talked bad about his ex. But, the flip side to that argument is that when you get divorced, you have to accept that when he gets remarried, he legally obligates himself to his spouse and possibly more children. His obligation to his first family don't go away and they shouldn't suffer because he remarries, but if he is able to support the new family by increasing his income, then it doesn't impact his first family. The problem is that when the ex wife sees his income go up (or the added income of his new spouse), then she wants her share to go up too. If his income goes up and he doesn't have more mouths to feed, then maybe it would be fair to give more to the first family. MAYBE. It also depends on the ex wife's financial situation. I agree with Ashley that an ex wife can't sit on her duff demanding increases because he's working his butt off to make more. She's not married to him, she needs to do for herself... how pathetic is that? My husband's ex has gotten spousal support for 12 years on a marriage that lasted only one year. (Well, she hasn't finalized the divorce, probably because the court may stop her spousal support) She will continue to get it until he takes her back to court to stop it. My guess is that he is afraid they will increase his child support and reduce the spousal support (which is tax deductible for him) and so he lets it go.

I am a BM to a very determined 3 year old girl. I am the SM to a very outgoing 10 year old. They get along famously and love each other so much it makes me teary sometimes. They even fight sometimes which I find so cute since they are 7 years apart. Becoming a stepmom was really easy as my SS was extremely accepting of me. He is a very loving child with a heart of gold. He and I sometimes drive each other nuts, but he is a great person and I am lucky to have him in my life. I have been married for four years and with DH for six years. I love married life and having a family. I am 29 and my husband is 30. My DH works in the medical field and I work as a work-at-home-mom also in the medical field. I love working from home and the flexibility that I have. I also love working part time. I enjoy decorating, gardening, landscaping shows, coffee, going to the mountains, festivals, animals, my family, and weekend mornings!!