BMs Interference in Weddings, Honeymoons

dotz_gw

Sifting thru the last few days posts, there seems to be several references to BMs trying to invite themselves, interfere, or somehow cause havov with SMs weddings and honeymoons...Is this really that common? Made me wonder, I had court papers served to DH on return day of honeymoon from wedding...Can the person serving (BM)have any influence over the date served? I m thinking now, we made a clean get away, not getting served before the wedding day..That would have certainly cast a pall on the festivities LOL...(The papers were a contempt of court, BM missing 10 bucks a week,judge forgot to sign order with correct support amount, had to go to court (day off work, travel to another state)BM knew it was not signed and not DH s fault or problem to fix)Sigh...Revenge, or coincidence?????

SaveComment127Like
Comments (127)
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
sweeby

Revenge -- Little pinch of it.
Let it go.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
wrychoice1

DH's XW stalked me. I had to go to law enforcement and an attorney to threaten legal action. She made up outrageous stories (told DH after my first husband's death, I had remarried and subsequently had the marriage annuled so there was no record of the marriage....HUH???!!!). It got to the point where I thought about the commerical with the older woman who has fallen and plaintively claims, "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up." Only mine was "Help! I've wandered into a country western song & I can't get out!" It was crazy.

We wanted DH's children to come to the wedding, extended an invitation to them, and hoped they would attend....so they were aware of the date, time, and location. As the date got closer, I became more anxious because the XW was behaving so erratically. I was a nervous wreck that day. She never showed, but I didn't relax until we got home and the coast was clear that she neither disrupted the wedding nor vadalized our home while we were at the ceremony and reception. There was a history --- she had trespassed multiple times and once vandalized a car in my driveway.

I have never experienced any one like her in my entire life. My friends had gotten to the point where they were concerned she was so unstable, they worried for my safety. The really overt harassment stopped about nine years ago --- maybe 2 years into our marriage. Now, she is just extremely passive-aggressive in her efforts to pester us...much easier to ignore.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

I do process serving and YES... absolutely they can request it be served at a specific date, time & location. (unless it's by the Sheriff's Department) I've had requests to go out of my way to humiliate them, etc. You are lucky she didn't request a wedding ceremony serve. (she probably did but a good process server with any integrity would certainly turn it down, I know I would)

I posted before how BM threw a fit when we didn't invite her to our wedding and just last week, SD told us 'mom says I can invite you to her wedding.' I really think she needs her head examined. First, she's still married to DH1. She told us that she was getting married last December but obviously that didn't happen. Now, she's talking spring (maybe she's going to get her divorce finalized??) and she really thinks we'd be interested in going? No thank you!!!

and to send the invite through her daughter.... pathetic!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
kkny

I gotta tell you, if my X ever got remarried, there is not enough money to get me there.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
hecallsmemom

Ha! I have to agree with kkny on this one. I doubt the Lord himself could have convinced me to attend that event. Ex's mom told me it had a star-wars theme! Weird.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
june0000

BM didn't interfere with my wedding or honeymoon, but soon after we came back from our honeymoon, she started coming over, wanting us to watch her dog, calling all the time, etc.
At first I thought that it was great to have a good relationship. After a while, it just became weird and intrusive. I can understand the need to keep up a communication when there are children to discuss, but DH's daughters are well into adulthood. There's nothing to discuss but the past.
She then started to ask if she could "borrow" DH to come over to her house to look at her furnace, etc. But she never invited me over. LOL.

It isn't a problem anymore :)

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
ceph

This is mostly ramblings that are somewhat related to the topic...
To be honest, I'm moderately concerned about BM when my BF and I get married...
I don't dislike her, but nor do I particularly want her at our wedding (we've been talking about getting engaged soon). Obviously I want A__ there - he's part of our family! - but I think BM would be hopping mad if she wasn't invited too and that we'd never hear the end of it.

We've talked about that maybe we'd just have a VERY small ceremony with immediate family and MAYBE one or two very close friends, and then rent a hall for a party afterwards... If we did that, I'd be OK with her coming to the party part.
We've also talked about that same small ceremony, followed by a small party with some close friends, and then have an "open house" the next day for the more distant relatives and friends you aren't quite as close to. I'd be OK with her coming to the open house part.

I feel like a bit of a jerk for it, but I don't like the idea of her attending our wedding. I don't think she'd cause a scene, but she'd a bit of a poutypants when she's not the centre of attention, and I'm simply not interested that.

Thanks for the rambling space!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
justnotmartha

I-can't-get-past-the-Star-Wars-themed-wedding. Guess you you wanted to sneak in and not be seen you could be a storm trouper!!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
theotherside

Or you could do what my exH did, and get married and not tell the kid(s) till after the fact - actually not tell them till he was about to drop them off after dinner, sobbing/furious depending on which one we are talking about.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
cawfecup

At first I wanted to keep it hush hush, didn't want the kids stressing over any of it. Then we told them of our plans ...mom called a few days later so I hear you are getting married ... yes ... I told her when... Asked if she would take the kids for a few days she said she would get back to us and let us know ... heard nothing...

Didn't make any real plans to go away anywhere just a weekend getaway future MIL was going to watch the kids. Two weeks before the wedding mom calls to say she can take the kids but she needs me to watch them during the day 2 of the days during the week. I say ok not going anywhere anyhow. 3 days before the wedding she calls to say she doesn't need me to watch them she has made other arrangements. So she will be keeping them for a week.

Day of wedding she is picking up the kids ... says "guess my invitation got lost in the mail"... oldest SS says .... Why didn't you invite my mom?... Have a good week kids, see you next Sunday.

We did pick the kids up for dinner during the week... and SD said... Now that you are our SM can we call you mom? I said No, you have a mom, and I wouldn't want you to hurt your mom's feelings.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

Sweeby, Pinch one, week one, 156 weeks later and many pinches later, time for her to let it go......IMA, Ha ha, I thought the service was timed,just not sure that was possible...Luckily we went to Vegas for wedding, disruption could have been possible if not for an out of town ceremony..The kids were told we were engaged and informed about date of wedding, but was during a school week, so no chance for them to attend, altho we did have a reception when we got back in town for them to attend...I cant see any circumstance where any Ex would be invited, seriously, even if the best relationship existed....And fix my furnace?? Yikes, call your boyfriend, dad, a neighbor, a REPAIRMAN, not MY husband...Somebody needs to learn how to seperate, and the cliche, disengage...

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
theotherside

Why is it ok to call your neighbor, but not the father of your children??? You'd think he'd have a vested interest in making sure his kids were warm and the furnace wasn't going to blow up. Obviously if he didn't know how to fix the furnace, a repairman should be called, but assuming he knows what he is doing, I don't see the problem. Why is it ok to call your neighbor, with whom you certainly don't (one would hope) have an intimate relationship, but not the father of your children???

If your next door neighbor called him for help with her furnace, would you have a problem with him doing so because he is YOUR husband, or are you only threatened by him being in the same basement as his exwife?

Many single mothers can ill afford to call a repair person for everything that goes wrong, and not everyone has a boyfriend or father lying around. It would be a little hard to call my father for help, since he has been dead for thirty years.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
kkny

TOS, I agree. Since I am the only one willing to make a home for my DD right now, you'ld think he would care.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
finedreams

My colleague was served divorce papers at work few days ago, she begged her DH to wait until the weekend so she doesn't have to deal with it during the week. He said "no". he served her at work. She was taken to emergency from work after that and is still in the hospital 3rd day already, something with her heart. 20 years of marriage, he left for TOW, and now he thought it is OK to do such a thing when she is AT WORK! some people have no shame.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
ceph

For ease of nomenclature, I'm going to call things like furnace repairs "favours". You might not think of them as "favours" but I'm going to call them that anyhow.

I don't have a problem with emergency favours.
For instance, if BM's furnace died in the dead of Canadian winter, I would be fine with BF going over to take a look at it to determine if it required major repairs or something simple. I would wonder why BM isn't taking a look at it herself (I do that sort of thing on my own and don't have a lot of use for women who can't take care of their minor mechanical difficulties, but that's a side issue).
If her car died on the side of the road in the winter or on a scorching summer day and she needed to be picked up, I'd be fine with him doing it.
And so on.

What I DO have a problem with is non-emergency favours:
I was ticked the day she called to ask him to drive across town to Wal-mart to buy her Christmas lights. (He declined)
I thought it was annoying when she wanted him to set up her new TV, even though the store she bought it from offers free set-up service. That was shortly before we really started dating, so I don't know if he did it or not, and it really had no effect on me or our relationship.
She called him awhile back because her cell phone had some interference and she wanted to see if the person on the other end could hear it too. I'm curious why she didn't just ask the person on the other end when she first noticed the buzzing... Or why she didn't call her mom, or her sister...
She asked him to fix a dripping tap. He declined and told her to do it herself.

So if she asked for a favour in a proper emergency, absolutely, I'd be totally fine with him helping her out. But my feeling is that once you split up with someone, you need to learn to get by without them, and that includes things like fixing your own leaking faucets.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mom_of_4

I agree with ceph ... well mostly. If she was broke down with the kids then yes call him... if the heater is broken and he can fix it and the kids are with her then yes... otherwise, handle it yourself. You are a big girl just like me. If I can fix my own stuff and handle my business without calling a man and more specifically my ex man...then why can't she. Ex used to call DH for all kinds of things flat tire, brakes need to be changed, get stuff out of attic, toilet plunged... it was ridiculous. I put a stop to that. She is a grown woman and should be able to take care of herself her home and her needs all by herself. I have no use for women who can't handle their own. I was especially poed on the brake one (that and the 10 oclock call for the toilet plunge) mostly because I had just done my own brakes. Went to the store got a book got the parts tada brakes are fixed and they do make mechanics for things like that.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

TOS and KKNY, if i read that correctly, the husband that was asked to fix the furnace didn't have young children with his ex, they were grown and gone. Why would he need to care if his ex wife was warm. It would be nice if he cared about her as a person, but he isn't obligated to be her handyman for the rest of his life. If they had kids living in her home, I'd agree more with you, but some women just never move on and think they can stay engaged. Aren't there any independent women out there??? I was a single parent too and I learned to fix things myself.

and finedreams, I don't see how it would be less traumatic for your friend to be served at home versus work. She was obviously aware that she was going to be served and was more upset by the actual divorce than 'where' it happened. I'm not sure about other process servers, but when I serve someone at work, I attempt to be as discreet and friendly as possible. I don't want to embarrass anyone and I know there are process servers that don't care. But, in a lot of states, if you know there is a pending divorce, you can actually accept the papers from the other party without being served and sign a form that acknowledges you took the papers. Then, she wouldn't have gone through any embarrassment at work. (and I think it's heartbreaking to see a marriage end, especially one that lasted that long for any reason but infidelity is agreeably worse)

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
finedreams

iammommy when you are served at work, you need to continue working (unless your work does not require any mental or physical effort) she was already going through a lot of stress, she lives in the area, everybody knows her in the area, everybody knows who he left her for. She had no problem accepting the papers, she just wanted to go through the week and do it on Friday or Saturday or so, she has heart problems, she is assisting children with severe disabilities and needs 100% concentration, and her own children attend the same school where she works. take it all in consideration and think if you would want to be served at work. It was embarassing and inappropriate.

as about X helping with something. I am on friendly terms with X and never had any problem if either one of us helps the other. Of course we are not talking about minor things but if something serious we would certainly help each other, we are friends.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
june0000

Ima, You are correct on the grown daughters, and thanks for pointing that out.

I also said that she asked him to LOOK at her furnace, not fix it. There wasn't anything wrong with her furnace. And there hasn't been anything wrong with her pipes, her deck, her roof, her sump pump, etc. that she has also wanted him to come over and look at.

Ex is not the sterotype single Mom with an insufficient income. Her kids are grown and gone. She is a career woman with a strong income, a beautiful home plus alimony each month. She can easily afford repairmen, if something truly needs fixing.

TOS seems to think I might feel threatened by the prospect of DH being in the same basement with his ex. Not at all! In fact, it would bother him much more than it would me. LOL.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

How about we get the Exs to come over to cook a romantic dinner for DH and me and then disappear when its done(maybe Chateau Briand for two...See, my DH is not really a good cook, hes just a dumb boy, and its a girly thing, so maybe we can depend on her to come over and do that after he goes and fixes the furnace????Dont forget to light the candles before you leave honey........

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
june0000

LOL Dotz! Maybe while they are at it they can do the grocery shopping and clean the house, too! Seems to be a fair exchange to me.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

My DH got a call (on his voice mail)wanting him to bring BM some band aids because she had laproscopic surgery and the band aid fell off after her shower. (this was when she still lived near here) He didn't call her back. She was living with her mom and also had a BF (or it may have been in between her Fiance #1 and current Fiance #2). She also had SD call and leave two messages, 'my mom needs band aids'. But, she had no problem hanging out at the tae kwon do studio the night before. Maybe she just wanted him to pay for the band aids?

Threatened? Why would a second wife feel threatened by the first wife that he divorced? Obviously, if they are divorced, one of them didn't want to be with the other anymore. What's to feel threatened by? Maybe an insecure woman might feel threatened.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
theotherside

"I don't see how it would be less traumatic for your friend to be served at home versus work. "

It seems to me that if you can't see that, you are in the wrong field. Geez..

In my state it is even worse, cause you are served by a uniformed sheriff's officer. Anyone who didn't know what was going on would think you were being arrested.

I still don't understand why he shouldn't be fine with looking at the furnace. If it is something that you would ask a neighbor to do, then it is more than reasonable for an exH to do as well. It has nothing to do with being independent. I am better at doing the taxes than my exH is; he is better at carpentry. He would have the strength to loosen a frozen bolt when I might not be able to.

"But my feeling is that once you split up with someone, you need to learn to get by without them, and that includes things like fixing your own leaking faucets."

Why? Why should you have to learn to get by without them, when they swore to be with you in sickness and in health, etc., till death do you part? Why, on top of everything else, do you have to spend money you can ill afford, or stand by the side of the road (with or without your kids) for hours, or freeze because you are not strong enough, or perhaps not knowledgeable enough, to fix your furnace? My kids and I can carry a washing machine, but there are many things I am simply not strong enough to do. What about all the tasks that require two people to do? I would like to see you carry in a couch, or an eight foot countertop, by yourself.

Shortly after my husband left, I asked him to help open a window that was stuck, and he refused, because the OW had told him that he couldn't set foot in our house. It was not a matter of inconvenience, because he was standing right outside the house at the time. Consequently, the living room remained 10 or 20 degrees hotter than necessary for the rest of the summer. That was really nice for the kids. I don't have an extra couple hundred dollars to hire a d*** handyman when all that was necessary was someone with more upper body strength than I had.

ima,

A lot of second wives DO feel threatened, often with good reason. It is not all that uncommon for a man to go back to his first wife, and/or be sleeping with both of them. And there are a lot of second wives who worry that their husband might be doing so, even if he is not.

I think it is likely that every woman who was an OW would feel insecure.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

Well, TOS.. again, only PART of my post was quoted. I said "I don't see how it would be less traumatic for your friend to be served at home versus work. She was obviously aware that she was going to be served and was more upset by the actual divorce than 'where' it happened." Sure it may be more traumatic if you don't know it's coming, but she obviously knew if she begged him to wait. and I was once served at work by a process server that refused to meet me around back in private or even in a private interview room. He announced quite loudly in front of co-workers and clients that 'your served' and it was in a case that I initiated. I had no reason to run or hide but he wanted to embarrass me. There are some tactless process servers out there. I'm not one of them and I am complimented for how I conduct myself. So, I don't think I'm in the wrong field.

and I've never been an OW so maybe they have a reason to feel insecure. They already know they are with a cheater. If it's so common for a man to go back to his first wife or be sleeping with both of them, has your ex husband come back to sleep with you? Would you sleep with him if he did? I wouldn't have married my husband if I thought he would do those things. I'm sure there are some women that worry about that but then that says a lot of the trust they have in their mate or how they feel about themselves.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

UUUMMM....The old contract.... for better or worse til death due us part ...(Called DIVORCE) WAS CANCELLED.... For NEW CONTRACT FOR DEATH DUE US PART to NEW WIFE....When we got married....I m thinking we got furnace guy, not you....Finances, furnace, you still bail me out cuz we were once wed....OVER!!!!! Put on your big girl clothes and figure it out yourselves....Geez go back to a college dorm, or your parents, when someone was taking care of all your problems.....Oh yeah and for the record , I love to see little children freeze there lil a$$$ off so we can blame dad for yet another transgression....

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

Thanks Dotz.. I floated right past the middle of her post and OMG, is she serious???? I got by for many years on my own without a man. I moved several times loading heavy furniture. and I don't think his OW refused to let him set foot in your house because she thought he'd wisk you away to the bedroom... how do you know it's insecurity.. maybe she doesn't like you. Maybe your ex tells her that you haven't let go, maybe you haven't hid it that well from him. Yes, Divorce ends THAT contract. Remarriage begins a new one. Get over it!!!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
june0000

Or let her kids sweat to death because she wouldn't ask a neighbor with more upper body strength to fix the d**** window. I would imagine the mileage she got out of blaming the ex made the hot room worth it.

And I agree, Ima. I got by for 25 years without a man to be my Mr. Fixit. I moved myself numerous times, and I ended up owning my own home with no help from anyone. I just don't "get" the helpless routine.

And I'm also not concerned that my DH's ex would wisk him into the bedroom if he did go to her place to gawk at her furnace with her. Why would she do that now? She didn't do it when they were married.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
theotherside

Of course it is insecurity. At the time, we were still married, and it may have been before he even filed, I don't remember the precise date, so it wasn't a matter of "letting go" - not to mention she'd never seen me or talked to me. She was just scared.

Uh, no - he doesn't get to decide that the contract is over... No fault divorce is not morally valid. There's no other contract that can be rendered null and void without fault or penalty being assigned.

You can't cancel the moral contract that you agree to when you father a child just because you change your mind. You still have to support them, and if all you do is pay child support most people would find that reprehensible. You shouldn't get to cancel the moral contract that you have with your spouse either.

No marriage with a foundation in adultery is ever valid. Makes no difference if you have 12 kids and are together for 60 years. May be legal but isn't morally valid.

Consequently, if someone in my situation were to sleep with their exH, it would not be adultery. It might be dangerous, certainly would be without protection, but it would not be morally wrong.

Ima,

I suppose when you moved all that furniture from one place to the next, you did it singlehandedly, right? Just like you took care of your babies/toddlers while you were working. Your mother and your sister had nothing to do with it. Or perhaps you paid them minimum wage, while you were earning minimum wage yourself.

I don't believe for a minute that most of these people who claimed to be "independent" and do everything themselves actually did. If they didn't ask their former spouses for help, they just depended on their parents or other relatives or friends, people who, with the exception of the parents, never agreed to any kind of virtual contract promising anything. Very few people are really "independent." Pretty much everyone depends on other people to help them out, and not just in dire emergencies like being stranded on the highway with your car going up in flames.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
ceph

I am a motherless daughter. I cling FIERCELY to my independence. If your mother didn't die while your were a child or teen, you probably have no idea what I mean... but girls who lose their mothers learn to take care of themselves. I do NOT need a man to do things for me.

I'm quite small and have little physical strength.
But I can fix a faucet myself, check my own engine fluids, change my own tires, assemble and install a bathroom vanity, refinish a dresser, set up my own entertainment electronics, squirt WD-40 on a squeaky hinge or a stuck window frame. I can flip my own mattress and change my own furnace filter. I can rewire a lamp. I can climb a ladder to clean out the eavestroughs.
I have an ever-growing collection of tools that are suited to my needs and stature.
If something is too big or heavy or stuck for me to move, I often use simple physics to help me. For instance, my desk is quite large and heavy, but I wanted to move it to the other room. So I hefted up each corner with a lever (torque = force x lever arm, after all), put a square of heavy plastic sheeting under each leg (to reduce friction) and it slid across my carpet with ease.

If there really is something I can't do myself, I call up a friend or family member to help me. I have the luxury of a big family that mostly gets along and likes to help one another, which I realize not everyone has... But everyone has the capacity to make friends who would help them out if they need a hand.
Sure, maybe one of my male friends of family members could carry the 8 foot countertop by themselves... But a female friend and I can do it as a team, and then we'll sit and have a cup of tea together and it gets done just as well but we have twice as much fun!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
ceph

TOS, did you REALLY just say that it wouldn't be morally wrong for you to have sex with your ex, even though he is now married to another woman??
I expect a certain level of craziness from you... But I'm absolutely reeling at this one.
Are you perhaps developing Alzheimer's or some other degenerative brain disease that's interfering with your ability to think straight?
This is CRAZY-TALK! Even from you!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
theotherside

And why should I have had to go find a neighbor to ask when my H was standing right THERE????? So I am supposed to ask my elderly neighbor, yeah, right. Why is it ok to ask a neighbor but not my husband and father of the children? WHY?

I am far from helpless. Owning a home is nothing. That's easy. Handling 1000 pound animals, not so much. Giving birth to six large babies without medication, not real easy. Changing a tire on the highway at rush hour, not fun. Oh, that's why nobody stopped to help - cause they thought I wanted to be independent. Just doing me a favor, eh?

Several people mentioned that they were fine with their spouses not be able to balance a checkbook because they were good at other things - but I am supposed to be able to suddenly acquire upper body strength equivalent to that of a six foot tall 200 lb guy because otherwise I am not "independent." Sure.

And you actually believe those stories that guys tell about their supposedly non-existent sex lives in their previous marriage? Just keep on believing that if it makes you happy.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
theotherside

"TOS, did you REALLY just say that it wouldn't be morally wrong for you to have sex with your ex, even though he is now married to another woman??"

Absolutely. I didn't divorce him. He is the one who is, morally speaking, committing bigamy.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
june0000

Yes. that is what she wrote. Wouldn't that make her TOW?

I'm impressed with your abilities, Ceph! I also found that moving heavy things is a matter of figuring out physics.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
theotherside

ceph,

So you are not really independent - you depend on friends and family when necessary. Not everyone HAS a family. I was only a few years older than a teen when my mother AND my father died. Almost all of my relatives, including some of my kids, live far away. I have friends, but not surprisingly, most of them are somewhere around my age give or take fifteen years - and almost everyone I know has back problems except me. You are a young woman - of course your friends can help you lug things around. I have wonderful neighbors, but they are mostly retired, and I don't want them to keel over dead from a heart attack. Whom should I ask next time I want to carry the couch somewhere - the 75 year old guy across the street? My neighbor with a pacemaker? Or my friends with back problems?

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
theotherside

"Wouldn't that make her TOW"

No, duh... because as I said, their "marriage" (or "affairage" as I have read it called) is NOT VALID. That's the whole point.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
justnotmartha

TOS, you are nothing if not entertaining.

Independence equals resourcefulness. Resourcefulness does not equal running to your ex when the window sticks and then causing your whole family to suffer (likely blaming the heat on your ex to your kids) for months. Resourcefulness means moving to option B when option A didn't work out. If your ex couldn't fix something when you were married what did you do? Moved to plan B. Your ex couldn't fix this. Move on.

Your way of pushing your moral opinions on the rest of us is rather immature and uncalled for. The moral system of a Catholic is different than a Buddhist. Are you going to tell us all which is right or wrong? You have nothing more than your opinion my dear. Yours is not the only way - it would be refreshing to hear you speak as though you understand that.

I will not spend the time debating your crazy beliefs in the continued moral marriage as there would be no end. I think the rest of us will continue in the land of reality and leave you alone there in the clouds. I just so wish for your sake that you could learn to let him go so that you didn't need to have this moral marriage and a sticky window to feel connected to him.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
theotherside

"If your ex couldn't fix something when you were married what did you do?"

No, when we were married if neither of us could fix something and we couldn't afford to hire someone to fix it, we left it UNFIXED. If it were something essential, like the car wouldn't start, we would charge it on the credit card, but otherwise, no. I can think of a lot of things we never fixed. We'd been homeowners over a decade before we ever hired anyone to come into the house to fix anything.

Well, obviously you aren't going to agree with me, when you are mostly remarried and some of your (collective, I am not addressing anyone in particular) husbands cheated on their spouses. I, like most other people here, am going to tell you what is right or wrong, and you can choose to agree or not. Imamommy tells us what is right or wrong all the time, and she is hardly the only one.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

Ceph, my mom didn't die but she was an alcoholic and I spent more of my teen years taking care of her than depending on her to do for me. I've always wondered what a mother/daughter shopping trip would be like. I now enjoy that with my daughter and step daughter. Growing up with her as my mother made me more independent and I was on my own at 17.

TOS, I've moved many times. Sometimes, I've had some help. My sister did help me a few times. My dad came down & helped me once when the kids were young. My mom is useless when it comes to moving, she gets in the way. The last time I moved, I packed everything myself, drove in my car five hours to get the truck (my dad has a budget truck rental store & I didn't have to pay for the truck), I left my car there and drove the 24 foot truck the five hours back, loaded it (my sons were 14 & 16 at the time) and they helped me load the fridge, washer, dryer, & stove. (I had to disconnect the gas from the stove which I was a little afraid to blow up the place, but I did it) We all loaded the couches & beds. I then drove the five hours back to deliver it to our new home. I ended up driving my dad's pick up with a flat trailer because I had a 2nd car that didn't run at the time and some boxes that didn't fit on the 24 foot truck. When I got back, My two sons and I pushed the car onto the trailer with my daughter (13) steering. Tied it down, loaded the boxes, cleaned the house, and turned in the keys. My exBF and his new wife lived three and half blocks away and I didn't even THINK about asking for his help. And when the kids were very small, I moved all by myself to live with my exBF. At that time, I didn't have any heavy appliances.

You'd be surprised at what you can do when you stop whining and crying that you can't do it, you need a man!!! Boo Hoo!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
kkny

Ima, TOS has apparently done a great job raising kids on her own. Her older children are off to college, etc. Some of us just dont think its right for men to take no responsiblity for their families. You apparently made a choice to have children without a lot of involvement with their fathers, that was not the choice TOS or I made.

No need to go with the Boohoo.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
theotherside

Yeah, and my daughter and I lifted a washing machine into the back of a pickup truck by ourselves without a ramp. But I didn't do it by MYSELF. You didn't move your appliances by yourself either - your teenage sons helped. I have only met one person capable of just picking up a major appliance and carrying it down the stairs, and it was a male adult, not surprisingly. Not everyone has teenage or adult kids available. The point is that no one is truly independent - there are always times when you need help doing something, and one's exH is a logical person to ask. If it is something you would consider asking a friend or neighbor to do, there is no reason why you shouldn't feel free to ask your exH and no reason why the exH should refuse.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
cawfecup

I would have broken the window glass.... nice breeze, frame would come out easier.... and have the glass replaced for cheap money.

Ceph... I have my own set of pretty pink tools ... I also bought my kids and my oldest SS tool sets the christmas's they turned 12. Have to learn to fix stuff on their own sooner or later.

Words of wisdom from my mom :)
..... If you have to wait for a man to do it it'll never get done, better learn how to do it yourself.

Last I knew ... the gas company and oil company would take a look at your furnace for free and tell what you what needed to be done to get it working again sometimes if you got lucky and played the "I'm all alone card" they would fix it for ya.

Most home owners get on the job training in how to fix what could go wrong in the house. You learn as you go.

TOS how many times do you really need to move a couch or coutner top? they have these things called "sliders" you put them under the feet of whatever you want to move and its just amazing they slide everywhere on carpet, tile everything one of best things I ever bought...

I will not work on my car other than changing the windshield wipers and filling fluids but I have AAA for tire changes etc.

You learn to live within your means if you cannot afford to own a home rent where someone else is responsible for fixing the furnace or fixing a window.

Do you change your own lightbulbs? or do you need your ex to do that too?

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

When I was single and my closest girlfriends were(and still are )we helped each other, they had no exs to call... I did(BUT I would have thought it completely Ilogical to call him!!!!)We hauled, moved, painted, decorated, we did what needed to be done, we FIGURED IT OUT..God Bless all you independent woman out there...When I married, My DH had forearms like POPEYE and wouldnt let me lift a pencil!!!!He called me and my girlfriends My three brides...LOL and he was glad to help us!!!!! Then he got sick, heart attack, pacemaker and he cant do anything..Role reversal(to his chagrin)and we help him!!!!!I m back to independant, I can do this, and I help all my neighbors(Shovel 8 families snow on my block, because they cant for various reasons....Maybe they can help me in another way, and I can do this for them..Reciprosity...Same deal in a marriage, not an EX marriage.....

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
ceph

JNM said that resourcefulness is part of independence. A careful balance of pride and humility is another part. I am proud of all the things that I can do myself and that I rarely need help from other people in the sorts of things we're talking about (fixing windows, etc). But when I need help, I am not too proud to ask for it.

It sounds to me like TOS might have a pride problem... If she and exDH couldn't do it themselves, it didn't get done? How strange! One of them, at some point in their marriage, must have had a friend or family member who wasn't elderly or physically incapacitated, yet they still didn't ask for help. Sounds like foolish pride to me.
Telling exDH "my window is broken and I need you to fix it because I can't do it myself" instead of busting out the WD-40 and giving the frame a few taps with a hammer where it seems most stuck, is a nice way to guilt-trip him... "Oooh, poor me! See what you've done to me? You've left me helpless and all alone. Waa." When exDH said no, it sounds to me like she might have been too proud to ask someone else for help.

But that's just MY opinion. I'm sure TOS will disagree with it.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
kkny

Gee, TOS works full time and raises, what 5 or 6, children, and Cawfe, the SAHM with only school age kids has the nerve to say WAAAA. Its rich. Who are the dependent people here and who the independent ones?

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

kkny said, "Ima, TOS has apparently done a great job raising kids on her own. Her older children are off to college, etc. Some of us just dont think its right for men to take no responsiblity for their families. You apparently made a choice to have children without a lot of involvement with their fathers, that was not the choice TOS or I made."

Well TOS is the one saying

"Why? Why should you have to learn to get by without them, when they swore to be with you in sickness and in health, etc., till death do you part?"

and

"Consequently, the living room remained 10 or 20 degrees hotter than necessary for the rest of the summer. That was really nice for the kids. I don't have an extra couple hundred dollars to hire a d*** handyman when all that was necessary was someone with more upper body strength than I had"

and

"Giving birth to six large babies without medication, not real easy."

and

"but I am supposed to be able to suddenly acquire upper body strength equivalent to that of a six foot tall 200 lb guy because otherwise I am not "independent." Sure."

and

"ceph,

So you are not really independent - you depend on friends and family when necessary. Not everyone HAS a family. I was only a few years older than a teen when my mother AND my father died. Almost all of my relatives, including some of my kids, live far away. I have friends, but not surprisingly, most of them are somewhere around my age give or take fifteen years - and almost everyone I know has back problems except me. You are a young woman - of course your friends can help you lug things around. I have wonderful neighbors, but they are mostly retired, and I don't want them to keel over dead from a heart attack. Whom should I ask next time I want to carry the couch somewhere - the 75 year old guy across the street? My neighbor with a pacemaker? Or my friends with back problems?"

Sounds like a lot of whining to me. 'he married me so he owes me for the rest of my life!', 'my kids had to suffer because he wouldn't open a window!' (which I think is neglect on her part too if she left it that way! 'it's not my fault I don't have upper body strength!', 'poor me, I birthed six LARGE babies!' (um, let me tell you size doesn't matter too much, I had one large and two that were 7-8 lbs. Oh, and I had two miscarriages that required surgery and an ectopic pregnancy that nearly ruptured if I hadn't driven myself to the hospital and received emergency surgery. I've also had four surgeries in less than a year & half just a few years ago.) and then 'I'm old, my friends are old. I can't ask my old neighbor. I've fallen and I can't get up!

I'm not the one whining about my upper body strength. Ceph, who is very petite and I'm 5'2" and have had lots of health problems in the last five years.... I didn't run to call my ex to help me. Whether you chose for your husbands to leave or not, doesn't entitle you to his services for the rest of your life. (I'm sure there are some exH's out there that don't mind helping the exW. and I've already said that if there are kids, they are responsible to make sure their kids are okay, but so is the mother) I guess if you want to think he owes you, then you will live the rest of your life with disappointment. I seriously doubt that TOS's ex calls her to do his taxes or anything else for him. She'll blame the wife because that works for her, but if the wife left or died, he'd still not make that call. There are lots of things my husband doesn't want to do for his ex (like buying her a band aid) and if it's easier for him to tell her that I said he can't, what do I care? Sure, guys should be able to tell someone straight up but they don't always want to deal with 'problems' so they avoid.

and then TOS comes back with "Not everyone has teenage or adult kids available"

That's true. But she does!!! So, why is she whining that her exH didn't do this or she can't do that. Poor Poor me!

She deserves the BooHoo and a couple of Wah! Wah!'s

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

and KKNY, I didn't see cawfe say Waa.. that was Ceph.

But, I'll say it again WAH WAH WAH

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
ceph

Darn skippy that was me!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mom_of_4

What I am not understanding is WHY you would want to call your ex husband or ex anyone to come and help you do things in your home. Especially, in a situation like TOS. After what that man has done to not only TOS but to her children ... I wouldnt want him to step foot anywhere near myself or my home or well anywhere else I may be. He is a dispicable man (from everything that I have read) and no amount of depression or anything else excuses what he has done.
Now, I will give that at the time you were still married and obviously everything was pretty fresh and he was already at your door ... he could have simply stepped in and opened the window and it really would not have been a big deal. He didnt though ... he is crap and well .. I personally would have broke the darn thing if necessary before I made my house be that much hotter all summer long. (But then I live in Florida and there is no way I would let my house get even a degree hotter when it is already in the 100s outside.)And certainly.. there are always options available to try and work out a scenerio... other than someone who has more upper body strength.

And, independence is not about never asking for help as has been stated. That view of being independent is actually detrimental to your own well being. Being independent means I can never ask for help.. well I better not call an ambulance to come when I am having a heart attack better figure out how to drive myself to the hospital. That is not what I would call independent... that is what I would call stupid.

And, I have never heard anything more ridiculous than saying it would not be morally wrong for a man to sleep with his ex wife when he is married (or even dating for that matter) to someone else.
I see the abstract reasoning involved with that ... but then it is abstract reasoning that justifies most deeds that should not be done. I am sure the man and TOW could reason their way into their affair being justified and morally right.

BTW... I did not see WAAA in anything cawfe said... And I don't think anyone really questions TOS independence ... obviously she has made it work through a tough situation... I think what I question and what most of us question is why does she still hold such high opinions of her ex despite what he has done.... depression is not a reason or an excuse and to be used as one if feeble at best. It is so much easier for her to blame TOW .. and maybe it is for most of us women... but the fact is TOW is not the bad guy (granted they/she is not a good person) but to me the real villian in these stories is the man who made the vows had the children professed his love... and then spit on everything that was built and created along with that and turned his back on his own children.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
finedreams

what's wrong with man helping mother of his children to fix something in her house where his kids live? unless he is a selfish jerk he would love to help. when people share children, there is nothing wrong in helping each other in time of need. people here judge everybody's situation by their own. if you have bad realtionship with your Xs or weren't even married to them or your Dhs have bad realtiosnhip with their xs etc it does not mean everyone has such drama in their lives. many people maintain decent respectful attitude toward each other especially since they share children! we are talking here about people we have children with! not somebody we had meaningless encounters.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
cawfecup

You could have the au pair run down and help TOS ....

My mother was a single mom with 5 kids and owned her own home my father left for the other woman.... and my mother fixed everything in the house with out any child support or calling the ex husband (my dad) to fix a damn thing. She worked full-time and overtime to provide for us. With out any help from a man ....

My mother was 50 (continued to do until she died at the age of 66) doing all her own home repairs .... 30 years ago ..... What is wrong with TOS that she cannot even have another man (handy man) in her home to fix her stuff.

If I remember right .... TOS lives in a different home than she shared with her husband .... so even if he used to fix a furnace it wasn't the one she has now.

Get the situation right KKNY my SC are in school all week and they go to their moms on friday right from school and are gone all weekend ... So I guess that makes me more of at a STAY AT HOME WIFE ... MY JOB IS HOUSEWIFE. :) I have it easy compared to everyone else who posts on this forum... because I will tell BM to go bang her ankles ... she can ask for custody... and deal with her own children on a daily basis instead of critizing me for doing it. Hubby doesn't have custody for no reason... as stated in other posts men do not get custody usually there are factors that men end up with custody... ex pays $120 a week in child support .... $40 a week per kid .... what do you pay your au pair.... probably doesn't even compare. She pays for nothing else ... I am not stashing the support checks in my Coach and Burberry bags and flying off to vegas on the weekend.

:)

But now I will say ... waaaaa poor me my hubby left for another I cannot get over it I will hold on to my moral marriage even though my marriage was a lie.... that woman bought him all new clothes she doesn't even know what type of shirts he likes. I will never lie to my children they will know exactly what a jerk their dad is but if he wanted back in the door she would dust off her "honey do list" and let him walk right in .... look kids the furnace repairman is back ....

KKNY you are so much better than me because you only have one child to pay for and you make more than most of could even dream about ... but hey more power to you if it makes you feel good about yourself for knocking me around for being a stay at WIFE and SM ....

Hope you grow a huge wart on your nose so that when you staring down at me via your nose ... you go cross eyed.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

you are absolutely right finedreams.... If he wants to help, he should! If his kids live there and he refuses to do something that will cause his kids suffering or discomfort, then yes he is a jerk. TOS's husband is a jerk for not opening the window. But he is a bigger jerk for cheating & leaving her with six kids. But, June's husband did not have any kids living with his ex. If he doesn't want to look at her furnace or anything else, so what? He has no obligation. He isn't a jerk for saying no. It doesn't make June an insecure woman because she doesn't want her husband to be his ex wife's handyman. Maybe, once he starts doing tasks around her house, she'll keep finding more for him to do. He is married to June. That's where his priority is, fixing things around their home.

My husband has an ex wife. She has NEVER called him for a thing. They didn't have children together and the marriage didn't work out, she moved on and so did he. His ExGF that he has a child with, he doesn't mind when she asks for anything related to their daughter. When they had 50/50, he would run out and buy his daughter whatever she needed. He would give her money if she needed (and she wasn't even paying rent, utilities or food). He paid for all of his daughter's extra curricular activities. But when she calls to ask for band aids or directions or a ride home (she took her car into the dealership where he works for service and the shuttle offered to take her home, she refused and waited until DH went on his lunch break and had him drive her. He didn't get to eat lunch, but she didn't care about that), then she's out of line. Being married at one time or having children together does not create a lifelong obligation to the spouse when the marriage ends. The only lifelong obligation is to the children. It is nice if the ex spouses do things for each other (because they are their children's parent) but it's in no way an obligation.

and just to set the record straight, you can have children with somebody you had a meaningless encounter with. It may not be the way to go, but it's not impossible.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
finedreams

people have some twisted understanding of independency. wow!!! two miscarriages, one ectopic pregnancy, three babies. that's a lot to do by yourself! and driven herself to a hospital being pregnant. what is here to be so proud about? that you had that many babies and pregnancies by yourself, is that a proof of independency? i see it as a proof of bad choices and lack of responsibility not independence. and a pregnant woman usually does it all yourself not because she is independent but because she has no man. and when a woman who had 6 children with her lawful husband thinks it is OK to ask him for help she is labeled dependent. wow. that's really upside down kind of logic.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
june0000

Cawfe, my g grandmother had a HUGE wart on the end of her nose and the older she got, the bigger it got until it took on a life of its own :)

I'm certain that at some point in her life someone cursed this upon her, and she probably deserved it.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
finedreams

TOS husband is a jerk, but he fathered six children with her. This is not about him being this or that, he had children with her. It is not like she did it all by herself. I can't believe you, imaommy, don't see it. maybe because your children are all from different men, and none of these men is in a picture, and you weren't married you don't understand that we are talking about TOS's childrens father, her exhusband of many years. not somebody she just had one date or one night with.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
finedreams

if you have children together then it cannot possibly be a meaningless encounter.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

Having three kids before I was 22, irresponsible. I was irresponsible. I've admitted that and my mistakes. I was living with my BF when I had the ectopic pregnancy and drove myself to the hospital because he didn't feel like taking me. It was a huge factor in the ending of our relationship. and I don't know anyone that has ever physically shared the experience of a miscarriage with her BF or Husband. I never said I was alone and went through it by myself, but TOS is whining that she birthed six large babies. My point is that she sounds like a big baby, crying about how hard she had it giving birth to her children. She chose to have more children. She knew the first ones were big, did she think the next one would be small or hurt any less? Are you kidding? Or just want to judge my morals? She thinks it's okay to sleep with her exH now that he's remarried. How would you like your BF to be at his exW fixing things for her and if he felt like getting some, why not? They did have those 'til death do us part' vows!!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

You don't think it's possible to get pregnant from rape, incest or a one night fling?

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mom_of_4

I don't think that that is really the point here. Yes, it was reasonable for TOS to ask her H (at the time) and even if he was exh to open the window he was right there he could have done it. But, there is a whole different thing when you have the exw calling for things like... My car needs brakes... okay well then do what most people do and go get them fixed. If you cant afford it there are about a million books to help you do it on your own. It is not rocket science. or My toilet is backed up... well then do what every other person in the world does pick up a plunger and plunge the toilet. or even I have a flat tire... well then go into your trunk get out the spare and change it... At none of these times is it appropriate or necessary to call exhusband and ask him to do these things for you... He is not your husband anymore he is the father of your children... HUGE DIFFERENCE. These are things you should be able to do for yourself. What if he had died instead of having a divorce... what would you have done then? If you have a cordial relationship and both parties are okay with it then so be it... But when you are dealing with ridiculous exes and phone calls at 10 oclock at night about toilets needing to be plunged... I don't think so.

I know in my case my DH is literally amazed all of the time at what I will do without needing him to do it for me. Such as when the big tree branch fell across the fence and looked like it was going to break it from the weight and was very unsafe for the kids to be out there... I got out the saw and a rope and cut the darn thing down. It never occured to me to call him or anyone else. It needed to be dealt with so I did... For the rest of the night he said.. I cant believe you didnt call me ... I cant believe you just handled it..I am not used to that.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
cawfecup

Sorry June I didn't mean to offend anyone but KKNY....after I submitted I was hoping I didn't offend.

Just tired of her brow beating me over being a SAHSM....

Doesn't really matter if I work or not .... does it really?

I haven't whined about what a$$hole mom is in a very long time .... mom has stepped up and doing her part and not stabbing me in the back every chance she got.... she is their mom again .... they are not suffering because of her behavior anymore .... do I expect it to last? NO .... but I will love every minute of it until she stops stepping up again....

KKNY's ex is supporting his stay at home GF and it pisses her off but instead of going to a counselor to deal with her anger issues, she takes it out on me. Oh well the more I know it pisses her off the I should make a big deal of it. I should keep a log on this forum of my adventures in staying home all day with out kids.

Here's one for ya KKNY ..... last week was vacation week the kids were with their mom for 9 days :) ... my floor stayed clean for a week .... I only did 3 loads of laundry all week. We ate out every night!!! so no dishes either. I got to sleep late and no do a damn thing all week :)

Oh wait I did go have lunch with a friend.....

waaaaaaaaaaa it really sucks being me!!!!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
finedreams

we were talking about TOS's children. she had them in marriage. and you weren't raped either. so how many of us here had children in those terrible circumstances you described? as about one night stand, not too many of us here had that happened either. but even if it did happened it is prefectly fine to ask that person for help when it relates to our children. we are not discussing theoretical probabilties of what could have happened but what really is happening in our lives. if you can't engage your children's fathers in helping to raise your children it does not mean nobody else shouldn't either. i can't believe your logic!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
cawfecup

Fine ... do you think your husbands second wife would call her husband and ask him to come over and fix stuff..... and how do you think the 27 yr old GF will react?????

Ima knows her faults she doesn't need you to point them out to her... and she has moved on why can't TOS?

Maybe you should point out to TOS that her obessession with/over her EX HUSBAND OF 9 YEARS ...is not normal!!!! And that she made her children "suffer" with extra 20 degrees because she was too busy blaming their dad to figure out a way to fix it herself.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

you don't know about my life. You know what I've posted here and you can judge me... I'm sure your life is perfect and you are living the best life, or better than me. I'm sure you are much happier in your life than I am. You said it's not possible, I disagree and give examples of how it is possible. You may not like my answer but if you read my earlier posts, you will see that I don't say ANYWHERE that it is okay for a father to not help in raising his children. What does that have to do with my situation? You want to be the moral police and i'm just wrong because I am not as morally correct as you? Get off your high horse lady...

The man that molested me when I was six died two weeks ago. I can sleep better now, knowing he won't hurt anymore children. He's been free for the last twenty two years and I don't know how many other lives he's affected. But, he was a pilar of the community. A respected professor at a nearby college. Honored for his achievements in life. I'd rather be the whore that had three illegitimate kids with three different fathers in the forum of public opinion as long as I am at peace with myself. Only he and his victims knew the monster he was. Why should I care what a judgmental faceless person that is perfect thinks?

and just how do you know whether someone hasn't been raped? You want the details or something? Then you can try to find a reason that it was MY fault. Kiss my @ss!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
cawfecup

Lets shake some skeletons

Your ex husband has 3 kids with 3 different women ... does that make him better or worse?

You have complained on the other forum about your BF's drinking does that make your situation better or worse?

You said he is a drunk... he says he uses it to relax.

You complain BF dotes on his children but its ok your husband didn't bother to support your child as long as he pays for college. And now you worry will he be able to pay for college.

You find fault in everything your BF and his children do ... but your ex and your daughter are faultless.

Do you want me to go on????? ..... I have a really good memory its a gift and burden....

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
sweeby

Oh OK, I'll jump into the fray...

I asked my son's father for help twice. Once to rearrange a few heavy pieces of the furniture remaining after he had taken his agreed-upon half to his new apartment. He agreed at first, then backed out after I asked him to use the doorbell versus walking in. I did it myself using kitchen towels as sliders.

The second time, 2 year old DS had locked himself in my 2nd floor bathroom and could not turn the thumb-screw deadbolt to let himself back out. (So how'd he lock it?) The window was open, but the tall ladder was too heavy for me to carry -- so I called his father to move the ladder so I could climb in the window. He did help that time.

He also called me for help once. It has 2:00 A.M. and he had what sounded like the flu -- headache, body aches, diarreah, upset stomach. He whined about how awful he felt and could I come over and take care of him. I was taking care of 2 year old DS and told him so. He asked if he should go to the hospital and I replied only if his fever was 104 or higher. He said he didn't know how to take his temperature. That's when I told him to take a thermometer and shove it up his... (Yes, I really did!)

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
june0000

Cawfe - no, I wasn't offended at all! It made me laugh! I always wondered why she didn't just go to the doctor and have him lop it off!

Ima, I'm very sorry about what happened to you when you were a little girl. There are monsters like that man out there and they take away so much from their victims. The damage they cause can last a lifetime.

What is important now is that in spite of what he did to you, you have landed on your feet. You have a very nice husband, you love your kids and you are good to your SD.

And you've done this on your own.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mom_of_4

that is hilarious sweeby

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
kkny

No cawfe, the answer isnt counseling for me, its more toys for SD. And at 16, the toys arent cheap. And dad is building onto her trust fund. In any event, my money isnt on dad's relationship lasting.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
cawfecup

Home from work already? must suck commuting ....

I commute from the couch to the table and back to the couch :) I am exhausted.

Good thing I napped right after lunch .... so I can be wide awake tonight to go spend the CS on getting my hair and nails done!!!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
finedreams

lol there is no skeleton. i never said that my X is good or bad. i said that i would ask him for help if i need to. i did say he is a womanizer, i mean obviously. ha but he is still a father of DD, right? his 2nd wife would also ask for help and he would help. he is no good as a husband, obviously, but what is that to do with asking father of your kids for help? hhmm and he did pay child support, when did i say he didn't.

oh i wish i can say my BF does nothing wrong lol he sure does a lot wrong, he does help his children though. yeap.

the topic at hand is asking fathers of our children helping with stuff and if is is appropriate. wasn't it? yeah, BF does drink too much by my standards although it did went down significantly, but he still helps with children, right? or he thinks no one should ask him for help because women are independent, hhhmmm

no there is no skeletons. everything is in the open.

lol of course my exhusband paid child support, but for the last 2 years we had an agreement that he will save for college tuition and cost of living so we cut child support. DD is 20, so we cut child support when she turned 18 so he can (and wanted to) pay for college.

you sound angry, but there is no reason for anger. :)

if my daughter wouldn't have a father of course i wouldn't ask him for help. and if my BF (who does drink too much lol) would be a bad father then he wouldn't help his kids either. what kind of boyfriends or husbands they are is not that relevant. They fathered their children, right? and never denied their existance. that's why mothers of their children (yeap, my X has 3 mothers iof his children and BF has 1) can ask them for help. and if somebody else has no one to ask for help, oh well. should i ask my X or BF to help them? lol

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

Isn't Paris Hilton a trust fund kid???

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
finedreams

my X feels obviously very guilty for what he did to his 2nd wife and it is specifically why he would be the first to help her. and his TOW would keep her mouth closed because my X has a child with 2nd wife. i know it is hard to imagine but when it comes to children everyone in all sides of all afmailies mainatin decency for children's sake. X helped me when I needed to when he was laready involved with someone else. so what? this is about having children together. how hard it is to unrerstand? yes, when there is no children asking exes for help would be strange.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

"the topic at hand is asking fathers of our children helping with stuff and if is is appropriate. wasn't it?"

No, it wasn't. June said her husband's ex (with whom they have no children at home) wanted him to come over to look at the furnace. It wasn't about keeping the house warm for any kids. TOS brought up her exH not opening a window and most would agree, he was wrong to say no.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
finedreams

no, my life isn't perfect, but I still don't think that asking father of your children for help is wrong. I just don't think that doing everything by yourself with no fathers is any better than asking your children's father for help.

i just don't get how it is better or how it is related to independence. I don't think that raising children by yourself means being independent. by this logic the fact that i am divorced and independent somehow makes me better than married women who raise children in a family. I would not use myself as a role model how things should be. i'd rather not be independent. i'd ratner have more children, but i can't anymore. it is better for children when there are both parents in a family together. so that's why i think it is better when there is a father whom you can ask for help (even if you are divorced) than if there is no father at all. i also believe it is good for kids to know that parents are willing to help and maintain good attitude with no drama. maybe most people hate their Xs, or sever relationships with Xs, but i don't.

i don't know why TOS didn't move on. i have no clue. maybe she did. what means moving on is different for everybody.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
cawfecup

Couldn't be angry today if I tried

.... my nomination papers came in the mail today!!!

I am up for:

Whiner of the Year

as well as

#1 stepmom

Housewife of the Year

I don't know which one I will accept.... maybe all.

I think I deserve it!!!!

Wish me luck ladies :)

Can't wait to write my acceptance speeches.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

Fine, two parents is ALWAYS better than one, unless one or both are abusive. There's no dispute there.

But a single person that can take the initiative and get things done instead of moan and complain about everything they can't do and how they suffer because their husband left them, well... my opinion is, they are big babies. It wasn't easy for me every time I had to learn something new that I needed done. I had an ex three blocks away. i worked with a few guys that I could have asked. I even had a couple of male neighbors. But, every time I learned something new or accomplished it myself, made me that less dependent on a man. I love my husband. I didn't marry him to fix things for me. If he were to leave me or die, I know I will still stand on my own two feet and not feel lost and helpless. I will miss him, but I won't be helpless. If he became incapacitated, I know I could take care of him and myself.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
sieryn

well put Ima.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
wrychoice1

You must be exhausted from all that commuting. Glad to hear you intend to pamper yourself. Please let us know if you need any help with the acceptance speeches....don't want you to tire yourself out typing on the keyboard!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
ceph

Well, about the window... I think I sort of have a problem with it.
TOS' crappy exH is a jerk for saying no, but I also think it was showing a low degree of self-sufficiency and probably trying out some sort of clever new guilt trip on him to ask.
So while I don't think she should have asked, I also think he's a jerk.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
justnotmartha

I think there are certain levels to the help from the ex argument. TOS' ex standing feet from the window and saying no is, IMO, kinda crappy. BUT, perhaps he was trying to distance himself from her so that she would learn to be more independent and not think he would be there to fix everything like he was when they were married.

Now were TOS (just for a name to use) to call him at 11:00pm because the plumbing was backing up in one of two toilets in the house I would call foul. No one is going to have to find a bush, there is still an operational toilet for his kids to use, there are repairmen that can be called.

I think the difference is if it is something that will seriously impact the kids if the ex doesn't help out they should, but if it's just an excuse to have them close then it's a no-go.

Another posted made a good point - what if he died not left? Then what would you do? It's a good way to look at it - your marriage with that person is dead. Time to move to plan B.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
theotherside

ima,

"TOS's husband is a jerk for not opening the window. But he is a bigger jerk for cheating & leaving her with six kids." - can't argue with that.

Actually, I only have one toilet. I wouldn't call my exH, or my neighbor, to unstop the toilet. I unstopped toilets plenty of times when we were still married.

Ceph, as far as I know WD-40 does nothing for windows that are swollen shut. Works great to loosen frozen bolts so you can get your license plate off, but it wouldn't have helped the window situation.

And most of the time, I DON'T have anyone very big at home anymore. As I have mentioned more than once, most of my kids are adults and/or in college.

I don't see any problem with helping out your ex-spouse even if you don't have kids. I don't have kids with my neighbors, either, and we help each other.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
colleen777

HOW TO OPEN A STUCK WINDOW

Windows often swell and stick in warm, humid weather. To loosen them, gently wedge a putty knife or paint scraper between the window frame and the interior trim. Then, for painted or stained wood frames, spray a bit of furniture polish along the surface where the trim and sash meet. For metal window frames, spritz a bit of WD-40 on the side channels and locks. Now try lifting the sash. If it moves easily, open the window. If not, stop and repeat the steps.

Unfortunately many cases of Exes wanting help from their Ex has nothing whatsoever to do with needing actual help. I had to laugh when my husband's ex called to ask for help, and I said he isn't home, but I will be happy to come over and help you.

After she got done choking on my totally unexpected offer to her she said that's ok I can ask someone else. Well so? ask someone else to begin with!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mistihayes

I can't believe people could actually argue the point that an X should do anything for them or their property. What if your X has several X's. He's supposed to run around fixing car/home repairs? When you're an X, you're just that, an X. Get over it!! The parenting relationship continues to exist but no other relationship. If you can't repair your home & give the children a safe environment, maybe you should give your children to the other parent who can.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
oh_my

Misti got it right, and actually, I have heard my DH say that to his ex..."if you can't handle it, maybe you should just let me have custody." It's usually in regard to money and not household chores though...although BM did suggest that DH come over and help SD clean out their horse barn...he said no way!

DH always pay his child support, plus half of parochial school, plus clothes, shoes, coats, etc., plus medical insurance, plus whatever extra money BM asks for to pay for this and that....the full amount of which I'm quite certain I'm not privy too...but still BM is always broke and DH doesn't help enough because it's so, so, so expensive to raise a child...probably especially for her since she can't hold a job too long, lives rent-free in a house her parents own, and uses the free babysitting services of mom, dad, aunts, uncles...oh yeah, and SM (who by the way, otherwise is viewed as unfit to be around SD).

And...back to the OP, about a week before the wedding SD said, "My mom doesn't know if she's invited to the wedding or not." Well, duh...if you didn't get an invitation, you're not invited. It was bad enough that she invited herself and attended our youngest's baptism, even though she's been sure to let SD know that her little sis is only a half-sister, and I'm quite certain that she couldn't give a rat's a-- about any children that were born to me.

Well, I feel better now...time for the vultures to rip my post apart!!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mistihayes

I just couldn't imagine calling my X husband to come & fix my window or my stove, whatever needs fixing. How about if my DH now couldn't fix our car, should I call my X to come in & fix our car? Heck No Way! Could you imagine how that would make my DH feel? "Oh Honey by the way I'm going to call my X to come over & fix the window since you can't figure it out". OUCH!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

Was thinking that exact same thing Misti, about calling Ex cuz my husband is sick!!! That would work!!!! LOL ... AND OH MY!!! Thank you for responding to original post, 3000 furnace posts later...I d mortgage my house and hire a crack security team from Israel to police the area before I d let Ex into a wedding , Baptism, birthday or whatever!!! We just want no contact what so ever, just the way it works best for us to avoid confrontation...The gall of some people to want to be invited when they are obviously not wanted, and as you say, not exactly sharing in the joy of your day....

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
sweeby

"I had to laugh when my husband's ex called to ask for help, and I said he isn't home, but I will be happy to come over and help you. "

Way to go Coleen! That answer is priceless! ;-)

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
wrychoice1

Brilliant, Colleen!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
theotherside

I think it is rather humorous, in a sick kind of way, that so many of you exude such hatred for you exH's. How can that degree of hatred not be obvious to the children even if you try to hide it? As I believe Finedreams said, not everyone hates their ex-spouses. At least my children see by example that it is fine to love their father, flawed though he may be.

I assume you realize that the "if you can't afford to raise the children with little or no child support then you should lose custody" argument does not hold water in any court system in this country. One of the reasons behind child support is that it is blatantly unfair to award custody based on who makes the most money - earning more money does not make you the better parent.

It is even more ridiculous to suggest that child custody be awarded based on which parent is the better handyman/woman.

mistihayes' comment about how it would make her current husband feel if she asked her exH to do something is completely irrelevant, since I didn't have another husband who could feel insulted (actually the person I asked WAS still my husband at the time).

Just wait until, when you are a number of years out of the workforce, your husband leaves you with young children and a mortgage and so little child support that after the mortgage payment and groceries there is virtually nothing left. I suppose everyone can instantaneously find a high paying job and quality daycare. Oh, but then the ex can cut back child support, so there is still barely enough money to cover the mortgage and groceries.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

nobody is saying what your husband did to you was right or fair. In fact, most have said he's a terrible person for doing that, yet you feel the need to love him, flaws and all.

I don't have an ex husband, but I have an ex BF. I don't hate him but I wouldn't want to need his help. He wasn't nice to me and why would I want him to think I need him or want to depend on him for anything. He showed me how little I meant to him. Why does he deserve to feel needed by me? If we had children together, they of course would need him.

Custody should not be awarded based on money or handyman skills, but when the NCP is paying their child support and the CP still is unable to provide a safe healthy environment, then there may be a problem with the CP's ability to handle the responsibility. In my opinion, both parents are equal as parents until one proves through their actions that they are less able to handle it. That goes for moms & dads. Certainly, you would agree that if a parent has money for cigarettes but says they can't get shoes for the child, so expects the NCP to do so... do you think that they are being responsible. Surely, if a CP is working & struggling and not getting much or any child support, it's not the same as a CP that is wasting money on themselves and complaining they need more money.

and I don't know how well of an actress I was, but I despised my son's father (and step mom) but I worked so very hard to not show it to my son. He may have known because his step mom didn't hide her hatred of me. (my son did tell me that his father would try to stop her from saying bad things about me) My son is grown now. He loves me. He loves his dad. He sees his step mom when he wants to see his brother. He's respectful toward her (because I've always expected him to be). I don't know how he feels about her (that's up to him).

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mistihayes

TOS,
You have so much hate & anger in you, it oozes out in your words. Who has so much hate for their Xs? I have enough respect for my X & his wife that I would not ask him to do anything for me.
You need help. You try to hurt people through your words. You need to heal so you can help others heal. Not pull them down with you. You talk about anger affecting children. What about yours?

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
ceph

Misti said: "I have enough respect for my X & his wife that I would not ask him to do anything for me."

This thread has been bugging me, because I haven't been able to put my finger on why it irks me when BM asks my BF to do ridiculous things like drive across town to Wal-Mart to buy her Christmas lights, even though she has a newer car than he does.
Thanks for helping me figure it out!
It's showing a complete lack of respect for him and for his life (which includes me). She does so many disrespectful things like that.
Here's one I've mentioned on here before, but is a real mind-boggler: We were going to the specialty cheese store and called to say we were coming to pick up A__ first so he could pick his own cheese (this kid loves cheese). Somehow the trip to the cheese store came up in the conversation and she said "No, pick up A__ after. Just buy him whatever, he won't care, because I want you to pick me up some fresh pasta and 4-cheese sauce and a baguette. I'll pay you back when you get here"
I lean towards that BF should have told her to put a sock in it, but he said OK. Unfortunately, they were out of 4-cheese sauce, so we settled on Alfredo instead. When we arrived at her house to pick up A__, and explained that they were out of the sauce she wanted, she said "Pfft, I'm not paying for any of this because this isn't the right sauce" and stomped off to the kitchen with it.
I've marveled at the rudeness time and time again... and things like that have been bugging the heck out of me, but it never really occurred to me that it was showing a total lack of respect for him and for us.
Now I feel better about that it irritates me!

Thanks Misti!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

you know what ceph, that's right!

I mention the band aids my husbands ex requested. First she had her daughter call him to leave messages to tell him about her mom. We could understand Mom, Surgery, Cyst, Band Aid. But nothing she said made any sense. BM lived with her mom at the time who works & drives. She was well enough to drive to tae kwon do to 'just watch' and passed several shopping centers on the way. but she wants DH to go out of his way? Why? So it will prove he will do things for her? That he cares about her? Well, he doesn't. He doesn't hate her, he just doesn't care if she gets the flu or needs a band aid. He doesn't call her when he needs something, even before we were together. He'd call a buddy or his family or figure it out himself.

I'm not against anyone helping anyone out. My parents have been divorced over 25 years. They were married almost 20 and raised four kids together. All of the kids have been out on their own for at least, the last 20 years. When my mom stopped drinking, we all helped her get into a house, including my dad. Over the years, he's loaned her money (that she's not paid back so he stopped). He even co-signed a vehicle for her to help her get a lower payment she could afford because she didn't have very good credit. He's done things for her over the years that he isn't obligated to do, legally or morally, he isn't her husband anymore. What does she do? She comes around and makes comments like do you think he'll to take me back? She makes comments like is his wife dead yet? No, she doesn't say those things to him, she says it to US, her kids. and I have to say THANK YOU MISTI too for that realization that she just lacks respect for him and his marriage to my step mom, which he feels very loyal to. If she weren't in a vegetative condition, I can pretty much guarantee that my mom would have been alone on every holiday for the last ten years, and I doubt that my dad would have done ANYTHING financial for her, if for nothing else, respect for his wife's feelings. Since my step mom is not aware of the things he's done for my mom, and she never will, he's done what he can because she's the mother of his children. I wouldn't blame him a bit if he had never done anything for her. I don't hate my mother, I just don't think she's ever done anything for him and she certainly doesn't deserve to expect him to do anything for her.

In situations where ex's are friendly enough to do things for each other and want to, I think that's great. What creates a 'moral' obligation? Didn't my mom have a moral obligation to not cheat on my dad? She broke that one..

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
organic_maria

My Dh will help but within reason. The first week the ex wife found out i was dating him, she phoned and was always using excused to have him up there. (remember, its a 1 1/2 hour drive up and another 1 1/2 back again into the city.) He just kept saying no cause her father lives a few blocks away and when they were married he did all the things she would ask anyways. ( my Dh would do them , when he was married to her but it wasn't done right, soooo, she phoned Daddy)
The best one was she called before christmas for him to shovel the roof off her house. He saidno. she said' you wont do this for the kids?" What the F*** does that have to do withthe kids??? SUch guilt trips to lay onhim, we both laughed. He told her, ask your dad....like you have always done. and hung up .
Dont get me wrong, if she needed it cause no one would help her, my DH or me or both of us would be there first thing to help her. We dont hate her. We both hate how she behaves. SHe has alot of hate in her that it just spills over to everyone...evne her parents! She has improved.
But you know TOS had it bad. You cannot blame her for all the hate she has. If she carries it, its her decision to let go when she is good and ready to let go. i dotn always agree with her but the situation was thrown in sucked!
My Dh pays CS, he barely has anything left to his name after all the bills are paid. You think he doesn't get depressed cause he cant buy me something for Valentines or Christmas??? Yah, he can't balance a checkbook but i got him organized and i keep track and i've realized that in the winter he is tight. The heating bills are nuts and he has about 30 bucks left on the end of a pay. So he can't take his kids out ot a movie either when he picks them up and sometimes asks me for gas money too.But enough of me.
I think ex spouses call for help if they're still friends or they feel just lost and want help.OThers call for excuses just to see the ex. Heck you can't lose all your feelings with ex spouses. Especially when you have had kids. Most i think dont hate one another. THey hated they way things were and the situation and their behaviour.
I do wish more ex spouses got along. But that is not the reality.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
colleen777

I also agree it would be best for everyone is exes could get along, but that often is not the case and especially if one, usually the female, believes they are OWED that help and their ex should still be at their beck and call whenever they want help with something. Moreover some females still actually see that they are in their exes immediate family and that the wife is the outsider. They continue to infiltrate into their exes family and some even continue to believe they are still the daughter in law, sister in law etc.

Of course that will cause much grief and the ex will always swear up and down and innocently state I didn't cause people to feel that way. They just like me and they don't like HER at all....cough...this after the exwife has waged a long covert battle of relational aggression.

I myself have no problem if my husband's ex is involved in our family as long as she understands the ground rules and respects her new position and understands and acts according to her friend status in the family, not wife status. Some females are never able to adjust to their new role, no matter how much they were at fault for and wanted to divorce.

Sometimes you really have no choice but to walk away.


Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
theotherside

ima,

I think it is great that your father helped out your mother financially, and she obviously should have paid him back. If he really thought helping her out would be disrespectful toward the feelings of his current wife, I would think he would have found it disrespectful even if his wife was not aware. I am sure it would have been more difficult for him to help out your mother had his current wife not been in a vegetative state, but not because it was disrepectful, but because she likely would have given him a hard time about it.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

Colleen and Misti, You are ALWAYS right on target, and IMA, yeah, and my sympathy to you for the last stupid post....Yeah likely to get a hard time from SM in a vegatative state about the CASH!!!!! GGGRRR Sorry I ever started the post on Wedding Honeymoon ..Just wanted a little feedback on whats up with the Exs still screwing with us years later, and this is what it comes to.....

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
theotherside

"Yeah likely to get a hard time from SM in a vegatative state about the CASH!!!!! "

Huh?? I said that his current wife would likely have given him a hard time about helping his exW out with loans/co-signing had she NOT been in a vegetative state.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
june0000

Duh, we got your general drift, TOS.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
theotherside

Well obviously dotz didn't.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

TOS:

I think if his wife weren't in a vegetative state, she would still be working full time and it would be 'their' money. She would definitely have a say in allowing him to sign an auto loan for several years or basically giving money to someone else that might affect 'their' finances. That's out of respect for her, not about her giving him a hard time.... read the thread on the parents forum about the husband sending his daughter money for college without telling the wife, but then telling the wife that they need to 'tighten their belt'. It's not about him helping his daughter, the problem is that he doesn't respect his wife enough to discuss something that is obviously affecting her, by expecting her to cut back. (and I don't want to hear the BS about parents obligation to pay for college, I think the dad should help his daughter, but he should also be honest with his wife about it.)

Tell me TOS, if you married a guy and he wanted to loan his ex money (where there are no kids involved) or co sign a car note while you work full time to share expenses, wouldn't it bother you if he took away from that for someone that not only cheated on him, but doesn't have any respect for you or your relationship? Of course my step mom would have given him a hard time. Anyone would. The point in my post isn't about my dad helping my mom, it's about the lack of respect she has for my step mom and dad's marriage. When my step mom was well, my mom would hug & kiss my dad in front of her. Step mom never let it show that it bothered her. I know it must have, it bothered ME!! She was a very dignified lady. My mom wasn't. And knowing my dad is devoted to my step mom, she now shows her disrespect by making comments about her still being alive and questioning if my dad would take her back instead of showing gratitude for his help.

and your comment that the only reason he does it is because she can't say anything about it... that's something my mom would say!!!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
theotherside

"Tell me TOS, if you married a guy and he wanted to loan his ex money (where there are no kids involved) or co sign a car note while you work full time to share expenses, wouldn't it bother you if he took away from that for someone that not only cheated on him, but doesn't have any respect for you or your relationship?"

No, it wouldn't bother me. If I were ever to remarry, even if all my kids were adults and so were his, or he didn't have any, I would absolutely keep the finances separate. It can work to merge finances when you are young and don't have much in the way of assets, debts or responsibilities to previous spouses or to children, but after you have been working for a couple of decades, any assets or debts or responsibilities you have accumulated should be yours and yours alone.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
kkny

TOS, I agree with you completely. Again, it may be that we are older than others here.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
cawfecup

So when your husband of the year was married to you ... you wouldn't have had a problem with him lending his first wife money...or running over to unstick a window???

And you were a second wife so to go along with your thinking he was "morally still married" to his first wife so he was cheating on her with you........ what a guy!!!

and just to be spiteful before the long day of "jabs" starts.... yep home alone .... but might have lunch with 2 of my sister's in law ... who are both stay at home mom's to school age children!... :) Does it count that one sister in law her youngest is a senior in HS?

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
kkny

Cawfe,

If I were to remarry, I wouldnt combine money, and I wouldnt even know if he loaned money to X, brother or the moonies.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

Marriage(and even REMARRIAGE) is about sharing, richer for poorer, better or worse...Finances combined has nothing to do with age, length of previous marriage or piled up assets...You cant have it both ways.If New wife has the money, she bought and paid for her husband..If New husband has money, it all belongs to kids from previous marriage..For the record I m sure I m older than the posters who have had long term marriages, and I know I had a longer standing marriage, and I m an excummunicated Catholic, because long term marriage took place in the Church...As for this household, we share our assets.....

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
kkny

I dont want it both ways. Neither does TOS. All she wants is her X to have the same type of job he did in the past and support his children.

You and your DH are entitled to whatever arrangements you want.

I do find it hypocritical to say, we share and share, but only the second to die gets to determine who inherits. One time I suggested to X he look at some of the threads here, and I think he was shocked at how many of the SMs said they wouldn't leave a penny to their Stepchildren.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

Cawfe,

don't forget that if he wanted to sleep with his ex wife, it would have been 'morally' acceptable too.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
cawfecup

:)

Just wondering where nivea is .... so she can count the low blows....directed toward specific people.

I count 4 already and its not even noon yet!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

At one o clock, would this be construed as low blow 5? I said we share everything, even decisions.....Didnt say I didnt have a will, did I? One might be surprised to see how fair I was to Skids.....

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
june0000

"but only the second to die gets to determine who inherits"

It works both ways, KKNY. The thought of me dying first and DH trying to buy his oldest adult DD's love with MY hard-earned money, that I brought into the marriage is not a comforting thought.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
kkny

Agreed June, but statistically the DH is much more likely to die first. But agree not every time.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

pondering a thought

are they more likely to die when they have an angry ex wife?

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
kkny

Doubt it, but maybe when they have a greedy or physcho Second Wife who has managed to cut off contact with children.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

Thread getting TOO long to scroll thru, But Ima, to answer your question, I think a guy would live longer if he had an angry EX , and was married to someone not angry this time around....

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
cawfecup

not greedy or psycho (atleast not diagnosed) although all my friends said I was for hooking up with a guy with 4 kids and 2 ex wives :)

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
theotherside

My exH's first wife left him, not the other way around, so your statements are irrelevant. If she left him for another guy whom she married, and he hadn't married me (or anyone else), then yes, it would not have been morally wrong for him to sleep with her.

However, once he married me that was no longer the case, just as it would be no longer the case if I ever remarried.

I would not have minded if he had helped her with the window, or kept all of her gifts to him (I asked him if he was sure he wanted to do that when he gave some away when we moved).

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

This is probably irrelavant too, but I gotta know, what did this dude do to get all the GIFTS...........Was it helping with the window......

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
theotherside

Why wouldn't she have given him gifts - don't you give your husband gifts?

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
imamommy

theotherside, it may be a guy thing, but they don't seem to want to keep 'the gifts'. My DH doesn't want anything that his ex gave him (especially the credit card debt she left) I don't think that qualifies as a 'gift' but she might disagree. His daughter is the best gift she ever gave him, he treasures her every day. It could be that the person that leaves the relationship, usually doesn't want to hang onto the love notes and presents. However, I wouldn't let him throw away the 'family' portrait they took when SD was a baby. That is being saved for SD when she gets a little older. Most of the pictures of her mom that were in his box, I put them in a collage frame for SD's room and the rest, I'll probably scrap book for SD. I think that is better than the shredder he wanted to put them in. (I don't think she ever gave him any romantic gifts, if she did, they were long gone before I ever met him)

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mistihayes

I think your a good mommy imamommy. I don't buy my DH gifts. I do alot of other things for him though. That's how we got our little Nathan so soon.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
justnotmartha

LOL Misti. LOL!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
theotherside

ima,

He had kept her gifts and the wedding presents for several years, before he met me, but he seemed surprised that I didn't mind if he kept them. He was not one to throw anything out if it could possibly be useful someday.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dotz_gw

The gift crack was supposed to be funny, not mean...I am actually getting ashamed of myself for being so snipey...Life can be so hard sometimes... Who wont agree with that...Guess these posts have been used as a stress releaser..Does keep ME distracted from dwelling on some problems I do have..Estrangements and such, that I want to heal, and have no control over at this time....

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
finedreams

BF got rid of almost everything he had from X (married 28 years), but what is really funny is that when his X moved out without telling anyone, she took everything with her including some of the stuff that she previously gave him as gifts lol Like his CDs or his favorite movies DVDs. This is the funniest thing. Why would you take what you youself gave to your DH? As about pictures she took most of the pictures with her.

i think men don't like to keep romantic memories of their past, i don't know. I find it weird though that after 28 years of marriage he has really nothing that she gave him.

Most of stuff i had from X was stolen in two major robberies that i had in my life. Everything of value was gone, but few things that stayed i do keep. I have no hard feelings towards X so i do keep some stuff. I find it sad that somebody would want to throw out everything after 28 years of marriage...

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
nivea

Hah! Cawfe, sorry not counting today. I didn't even count the other day, just was annoyed that it was spilling over into other threads and seeming to take over the board.

Most debates or arguments tend to be interesting to me, but this....

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
cawfecup

sorry nivea ... :)

Its just that many "low blows" are directed at me daily because I am a SAHSM how dare I complain ....

Afterall if it wasn't for my SC and my benefactor (hubby) I would "have" to be working.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
nivea

Everyone has their problems no matter what or where they are in life.

Just because you are a SAHSM doesn't mean that you are exempt and I am surprised some people don't see that. You take a lot risks for doing what you do and if you still want to do it, hey than that is great for you.

Save    
Browse Gardening and Landscaping Stories on Houzz See all Stories
Remodeling Guides The 4 Stages of a Remodel: The Honeymoon Phase
Prepare for the fast-paced progress of demolition — and the potentially jolting slowdown of structural issues
Full Story