As a mother your situation is a harsh senario. As a woman, it's soul destroying. Before you do anything, talk to your husband whilst he is your husband and see if there is a solution you can come to where the children are 'okay' but you are both allowed to live your lives as you choose. To stay in this marriage would be a disaster for everyone involved.

Thank you, Aldra.

This is not my scenario, it is my daughter's. We have not spoken or seen each other (nor I my granddaughters) in the 19 months since I told her that her husband was emotionally abusing her - she had shown signs of emotional abuse for several years before we learned that he was seeing a man. (I am not the only one who told her this nor the only family member to whom she is not speaking. She has cut off her brother and his wife and her uncle as well.)

I am hoping to get some feedback/insight from mothers in blended families on how they might address this problem.

njtea: Pray for your daughter first of all. Secondly, if she is willing to talk to you (or anyone else in the family) suggest that they suggest to her counseling for herself. The best thing you can do at this point is make sure the kids are not being abused (physically or emotionally) and be there for your daughter when this all hits her. Do as much as you can without losing yourself in the situation. Your daughter is an adult and will ultimately have to live with the choices she has made, despite everyone telling her about what they see in her situation.

Uh,I would absolutely have to say she should leave him. I dont want to be TOO graphic here,so I'll tread carefully.

But i think we all know how gay men are more at risk for certain diseases like AIDS(they have more sex,and the WAY they have sex is more likely to transmit it) Is your daughter going to continue to sleep with him and put herself at risk? Then who would care for the kids if they all caught it? It could happen.
Or,is she going to not sleep with him,but pretend like everything is honkey dorey?
Also,not a good idea. Your daughter deserves to be with a man who loves her and is willing to make her happy.Obviously,that will never happen if her husband is now playing for the "other team".

I also think this could cause alot of confusion for the kids. Is daddy with mommy? Or is daddy with John doe?

If my husband was gay~I could not continue living a lie.I guess it up to your daughter on whether or not she thinks she can.

Living in an abusive situation with a cheater - well, I can't imagine staying. The fact that he's seeing another man would be even more devastating for all involved.

Coolmama, it is inaccurate and offensive to state that gay men have more sex. And just how would the children "catch it"?

Just staing a fact (i don't want to comment to the cheating-with men or women , is still cheating- the situation of the children, of the marriage etc..) EVERYBODY, gay and heterosexual, monogamouss or otherwis,e is at risk for AIDS and all the sexual trasmission infections (herpes, hepatitis C, chlamidya, gonorrhea, syphilis to cite a few... if has unprotected (without using a condom) sex with an infected partner. This is true for: in fact the fastet rising percentage of new AIDS sufferers are women married or in amonogamous relationship with an infected man who does not know or admit it, in most case men who frequent occasionally prostitutes.
In the case mentioned in the post, the daughter is at risk for Aids or other infection ONLY if her husband has not used a condom with his sexual partner: if she doubts it , she should get tested not only for AIDS but for all the sexually trasmissible infection ASAP. If she has a sexual relationship with her husband, she should insist on using a condom.

She needs to get out!! I believe it is degrading to her as a person and to her children to stay. Having an affair is very wrong - but having an affair with the same sex - is hopeless (in this situation) - there will be no chance of staying together...there is no hope - why stay? And I believe it does put the kids in danger, physically and emotionally (anything could happen). I believe gay men are more sexual active with multiple people...I have a few gay friends that tell me so...so she should get on with her life and she needs to be told that over and over again...how dare someone do this to an innocent person AND his children? It is just wrong. Good luck

njtea,

Hi again. My heart goes out to you because I know that it's tough as a mother to see your daughter go through this. The hardest part is that she has chosen to cut herself off from her family - my guess, anyone she assumes is going to tell her what to do. I would say that she is hurting very bad. Suffering from betrayal, hummilation and lack of self worth. Curling up inside of herself, wondering how she's going to get through this. My advice is to love her, be her friend. No judgements just let her know you are there for her if she needs you. That's sometimes hard to do when you care about a person and you can see they are being abused. You need to let her go before you can get her back.

I agree with aldra. Maybe you could send her a card or something. Do you think she would be willing to meet you for dinner/lunch. Just be there for her as much as you can without trying to force your opinion on her. I know that is hard because you love her and you want the best for her, but maybe just being there and spending time with her will help.

Thanks all for your responses. I have let her go. She refuses to have anything to do with me or her brother - a lot of which is due to her controlling husband isolating her from the family as well as the embarrassment she must feel from this whole mess - nothing will change until she decides she has had enough and she's not ready to do that yet.

I've let her know that I will be sending her no further notes or cards, but that I will always be here for her and that I will always love her.

I continue to send cards/gifts to the children on special occasions, although I know they do not receive them as the checks I send the older children are not cashed.

I have done what I feel I need to do; my daughter now has to deal with the consequences of her actions.

I never said the kids would catch it! And really It isnt important if they have more sex or not.It is HOW they have sex that is the danger. Whether it's offensive or not,it is the truth that they are more likely to catch diseases this way.
Anal sex is dangerous.
I was saying the mom could catch something if she continues to sleep with the dad,who is sleeping with this other man.And who knows how many other men this other guy has been with? The mom should protect herself.

I totally agree that the mom should protect herself. I agree that anal sex can be dangerous if not done safely. But to say "i think we all know how gay men are more at risk for certain diseases like AIDS (they have more sex....)" is offensive. Not the risk part. Not the AIDS part. "they have more sex" That is like saying that all women really don't like sex, or all Jews are cheap, or all men are womanizers, or all Muslims are terrorists.

coolmomma, while I am normally in tune with your comments I can't help but laugh when I read your post here! Do you know what group has the highest numbers rising in aids cases? It is most certainly NOT the homosexuals... Yes the way they have sex is high risk... HOWEVER there are many heterosexual couples that do the EXACT same thing! Plus Aids awareness in the gay community is amazing! I definitely agree with weed30 on this comment being offensive. I have many gay friends and most of them have been with their partners exclusively for as long if not longer than I have with my husband. (7yrs) That is better than most heterosexual couples! With all that said This wife nees to protect herself. NOT because he is having a relationship with a MAN but because he is having a relationship with another person in general. Oh and by the way not to leave you hanging... The group most at risk currently for Aids is heterosexuals between the ages of 16-25. The gay community has seen an EXTREME decrease in the spread of the AIDS virus

Men have more sex then women because they are more physical then women are. They are driven by testostorone, so they are more willing to have sex. It is not the same as being racist. It is a scientific fact men are more sexual then women.Even straight men think about it every 5 seconds or so.So it is understandable that two men together would have more sex then a straight couple.I'm only looking at it through a scientific view,not a biased view.

Of course there are exceptions. Of course there are alot of gay men who DONT sleep around and are in commited relationships with one person. Many arent though.

It is questionable to me about this particular gay man because he is willingly having an affair with a man who is married and has kids. A woman who does this is looked at the same way. If their morals are as low as to break up a marriage and a family,then they are probably doing other things equally as immoral.

Women are just as sexual as men, they are driven by estrogen.
Come to think of it, I think about sex about every 5 seconds. Now I'm wondering if I'm a gay man.

Testostorone is the HORMONE that is responsible for sexual feelings! So,maybe you just have alot of it. There is no need to be sarcastic and rude.

Estrogen is the female hormone.Obviously you missed your sex ed classes in school.

If testosterone isnt responsible for sex drive,then explain why doctors prescribe it to women who have no sex drive!
I suggest you do some medical research before you go bashing me for my opinion.

Anyways~way to go change the whole topic and make it about political correctness!
I stand by my advice to the OP that the wife in this marriage puts herself at risk by continuing a sexual relationship with this man.

I'd like to weigh in here.Both Coolmama and searer made vailid points about the dangers of the situation.
Without getting into the "knee jerk liberal reaction" from weed30,and besides the sexual aspect,emotionally it is just as destructive to stay in a situation such as this.
Even in straight couples who try to live together platonicly and see other people it rarely ever works out.
And Weed30,I dont think what Coolmama said was particularly offensive.I think most gay men would feel flattered someone thinks they are having more sex.

Who cares about being politically correct? It aint always so correct.

I stand corrected, and shouldn't post while distracted. However, I still take issue with painting any group with the "they" brush.

Back on topic, njtea, you have done the most difficult but best thing to do in this situation, and I hope that one day soon your daughter will have the strength to leave and heal. It is hard to understand how someone can seemingly "choose" to live in a situation like this, but when abuse is involved, the psychological damage makes the decision to leave very difficult.

Coolmama said: "If their morals are as low as to break up a marriage and a family,then they are probably doing other things equally as immoral."

When I visited a family law attorney to discuss a possible petition for visitation, I told the attorney that my daughter had told me that her husband oftened worked until midnight several nights a week.

The attorney, who knew where my SIL works, immediately told me there was no way he was at work until midnight and that he was most likely involved in drugs or internet porn or philandering in gay bars.

BTW, I, too, have wondered if my daughter has had an AIDS test. I pray that she has.

You should also know that the man he was involved with was also married with a family!

I'd like to know if the mother has any actual proof that this in fact occuring, or if it is just her 'opinion' that this is what is wrong with their relationship.
I too have a mother that I stopped speaking with altogether about two years ago, because she dislikes my new husband and thinks that he is emotionally controlling my life. (For the record - I am as "Taurus" as they come - so that would Never happen!) So forgive me if when I read this post my first inclination after hearing the circumstances of their relationship is some doubt of the authenticity of the facts stated.

Believe me, blueeyedgirl, he was seeing a man - by my dtr's own admission.

Where is it written that a mother has to like her daughter's choice of husbands? If you mother thinks he is controlling you, it's a pretty sure bet he is, whether you are a Taurus or not.

The fact that you have cut yourself off from her tells me that you are not mature enough to deal with the situation. You have a great deal of growing up to do.

It would seem NJTEA,that what you have described is now a common thing that happens alot more then people talk about.They had an episode on Oprah regarding how many married men are doing this.To me,it is kind of scary.
To be clear to weed30,I know it is not JUST gay men who put their wives at risk.ANY infidelity is dangerous to the unsuspecting person.
If my husband even had an affair with a woman I'd want to be checked for STDS.
I also want to apologize that I in NO way say ALL gay men are like what I described. However,many I know personally are. You are right is wrong to include all in my statement. So I too stand corrected.
However,I also still say that it is mostly the anal sex that puts them at a higher risk.
Njtea,your daughter would be wise to get to get tested.

njtea;
Sorry that I'm off topic of the tread, but I wanted to reply to your comment.
You think just because I've chosen to stop speaking to my mother, she's right? You can't be serious.
Do me a favour and read the tread I started behavour problems/moving to dads where I describe my mother and let me know if you still think so.
If you do, I'll gladly quit writing in these forums for the reaction I've received.

I dont think you're wrong for not speaking to your mom. There have been periods where I have gone months without talking to my mom. I love my mom,but her and I have so many different views that we often butt heads and a few months without talking gives the situation clairity.
My husband hasnt spoken to his dad is 3 years.

dear blue eyes and njtea, I can see both sides. Just because your mother doesn't agree with you doesn't make you wrong and her right or vice-versa. It is probably all about perspective. My mom did not like a guy that I dated and she thought he was too controlling. At the time, I didn't see it that way, but hindsight is 20-20, as they say and looking back on the situation, I believe 100% that she was right. She has also been in a situation that I was not comfortable with and thought she was being controlled. That didn't work out either and later she saw things the way that I did. It is so much easier for people from the outside to see things that people in a situation cannot see. But, I think if I had really listened to my inner voice, it would've been saying the same things my mom was saying at the time. I just didn't want to hear it. And my mom told me a few weeks ago that she knew in her heart that the decisions she made at the time she was with her controlling boyfriend were not the right decisions. It is just hard to hear sometimes. However, if you you, blue eyes truly do your best to look at your situation from the perspective of your mother and know in your heart that she is not right about it, then I would say that you are the only one who can judge. Nobody knows what goes on behind your closed doors. If your mom is toxic then that is that. I personally know that my mom has my best interest at heart and that she wouldn't see fault in somebody who treats me with love, respect and trust, but is cautious about those who don't. Hers is a voice I have found I need to listen to. Not everybody has a mom like mine, though. That is just something each person has to weigh for themselves.

A very insightful post, Raek.

What I do know, from experience as a daughter and a mother, that for one's own well-being, it is best to not break all ties with one's mother because there will come a time when you will deeply regret doing so. Not necessary to "forgive and forget", but it is necessary to forgive.