Getting the blame for everything....


I have been married for almost 6 years, Together we have 7 children and 9 grandchildren.
For the most part, we all function very well. My 2 bc love my husband and my husbands kids - well I would say that 3 out of 5 accept me openly and we get along great.
My problem lies with his 23 almost 24 year old daughter. Her mother has never been a part of her life, so between her sisters and dad they have, in my opinion, babies her way to much to compensate. My spouse worked out of town for 7 years when SD was 13 until just recently. SD has lived with his then wife, then her sisters after his divorce. She wouldnt stay in one place long because she refused to go by rules, but was able to snow her dad because he wasnt home.
When we met, she came to live with me out of state...stating she wanted that mother relationship, lasted about 10 minutes when she realized my home had rules, curfews,chores, etc. she lasted at my home for 3 months then went to live with her brother until we were married and living under same roof.

Well since marriage, she and I have had many run ins..since I was left in charge of the house with H out of town. She has stolen and forged my checks, etc...tried to physically fight me once until I told her I would press charges...I didn't play that way.

Since H is home now, he has been able to see her behavior first hand and has dramatically changed his relationship with her. She went to cosmetology school 3 years ago, signed up and forged his name on financial loan papers to get in...but we let that go hoping she was finally growing up and going to do something for herself rather than play the pity party with everyone. She finished over a year ago, but still has not passed her test...and we have loans due...
She also started dating a jerk of a guy, and now has a child by him. When the broke up 6 months ago, shortly after babies birth, she moved back in with us. Jobless and broke...we supported the baby completely...all clothes, diapers etc. came from us. The BF was a stalker and he threatened our home and was then told to never come back on our property, which we now know she was sneaking him over anyway. They are back together, and we told her that if that is the route she was choosing, she would not get any support from us - that they needed to figure out how to provide for their child and themselves...she has moved out almost a month ago, but still has stuff left all over house so we have told her to come get or we will take to goodwill.

She has cut us out of all communication with her and our gd. She changed her phone number etc,. The problem I have is that her father is devastated by her actions and has tried to make contact to get her stuff out of house and to be able to move on with life without worrying about her or at least having it a daily conversation and reminder of his dissppointment. We both know she is choosing a bad road but it is her life...what bothers me is that anything something comes up, I get the blame completely even though her father is actually way more aggrevated with the circumstances and her behavior that I am. Is that just the role of step mom - to get the blame when dad finally has enough of immature behavior and ceases to be sucked into it all? I read post and a lot of SP say that you have to let go completely...but how do you do that? I want us to all be a family...but with her and us it just isn't possible, especially with this guy around after the personal threats he has made against us and our property...but as the SM, I am sickened that I get all the blame...and that H does stand up to her and it still backfires to of course I put him up to it - or I convinced him to turn on his daughter, etc. I can just imagine all that she is telling her sisters and brothers...How do you let it go and deal with it all?

Comments (2)
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

It's very hard to stand up for yourself when the person who's lashing out is somebody you love, but if you don't put a stop to it, then it gets worse, until everything including the weather & the price of gas is your fault.

I don't know how to tell you to do it, but when hubs starts blaming you, you must nip it in the bud.

I would envision myself putting up a hand, palm out, & saying,
You need to talk to your daughter about what she does,
& you need to take responsibility for what you do.
I will take responsibility for what I do,
but not for what anybody else does.
The scapegoating has to stop right now."

I think that would be a big step toward disengaging, & it might give hubs some insight into the fact that *he* needs to disengage too;
he didn't make her forge checks, he didn't make her have a child she isn't ready to take care of, he didn't do the things she's doing:
He didn't do these things, & he isn't responsible or guilty.
She is doing them, & she's responsible.

About the threats...has anyone filed a police report?

This guy is dangerous, & no matter how she arrived at her personality or habits, it sounds like your stepdaughter is just as dangerous.

time to put up some walls or armor;
you & hubs must get on the same side & protect yourselves,
or the situation will escalate, & violence is likely.

I wish you the best.

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I totally agree with Sylviatexas. It's important you & your H are on sides together. Because if he's using you as a scapegoat, that doesn't bode well for you & him & the future of your marriage.
Does your husband have dignity, courtesy, consideration & respect for you & women in general?
If he doesn't care to be fair on you then he can't value you & women very much.
If he's prepared to go for counseling that would be great. Hopefully it would help him become functionally behaved.
But if not, then your in for asking yourself a lot of questions.
Because unfortunately, your H is driving the family dynamic.
Mainly, ask yourself if your prepared to be the family scape goat? If your answer is yes, then suck it up & prepare to have a very unhappy life.
If your answer is no, then you know how to be & what to do. If you make smart decisions that offer you well formed outcomes, you'll have a great life!

Browse Gardening and Landscaping Stories on Houzz See all Stories
Additions Small Wonders: Get More of Everything With a Bay Window
Bump out a room to increase light, views and square footage — we give you details and costs for the five bay window types
Full Story
Most Popular Get Ready for the Smart Coffee Table
Intelligent tables with touch screens are reaching the consumer market, with all the power of personal computers and more
Full Story
Life Could Techies Get a Floating Home Near California?
International companies would catch a big business break, and the apartments could be cool. But what are the odds of success? Weigh in here
Full Story