I feel for you, because it is really hard.

I think a lot of that is really having to make a CONSCIOUS decision to act against your FEELINGS and to do what's fair.

It is hard because biology is telling you one thing, but as a step-parent-to-be, you know you have to put that aside and treat everyone fairly. I would try to approach it with the attitude that it's like a daycare/school. The rules are the rules, and when you're enforcing things at your home, with your own children or his children, you just have to take emotion out of the equation.

TRUST ME, I know it can be very difficult.

How old are the kids? I think if they are close in age, or the same ages, that can make it a little more difficult.

I wanted to give you an example of putting your feelings aside.

A few weeks ago, my DD and STBSS were both lounging on the couch watching a movie. My DD kept stretching all the way out, and this obviously irritated STBSS because she was taking up all the room on the couch.

Once she saw that she got a reaction from STBSS, she kept doing it because she was teasing. I warned her to stop, and said she would have to get off the couch and sit on the floor if she couldn't share.

About 3 minutes later, I was in the kitchen and heard screaming. My STBSS bit my daughter, on her back, and broke the skin!

I guess she had done it again--sprawled out on the couch, pretty much leaving him with an inch of room at the end. So he decided to take matters into his own hands and bit her.

I was really, really angry, and trust me--the mother in me wanted to swoop my DD up and protect her.

BUT I knew she had had a part to play in it because she was teasing/aggravating, even after she had been warned.

My DD went to time-out for 10 minutes AFTER I had comforted her, and washed her back. I felt wishy-washy about sending her to time-out because I do not want to send her the message that it is EVER acceptable for someone to physically harm her, no matter what she has done. BUT I also knew she had not followed my direction, so the time-out was for THAT.

STBSS was grounded from his video game/tv for 1 day for biting.

as a teacher, if something like that had happeneed in the classroom, I would have done something along those lines and given both children consequences appropriate for the "severity" of their "offenses."

It's hard, though.

uggghhh...I feel for you. It is not going to be easy. My parents were divorced when I was three, and my brother 1. They both remarried to people with children from previous marrages, and in total I had 5 step siblings. We were all close in age (attended highschool at the same time). It was constantly, "How much did you spend on back to her clothes for her, did you spend that my on MY daughter too?" or "Aren't you going to ground her for that, we grounded MY daughter." Even now as I'm going to be married, theres a question of what to spend on my wedding, because both of my step sister's chose to elope, so why should I get any more.

What I can tell you from a child's perspective, is you HAVE to get on the same "team" as your spouse. You both HAVE to love eachother's children, and treat them as if they were your own, as hard as this may be. Otherwise you will constantly be at battle with eachother, (over dicipline, money, college choices, everything!) and the children will choose their allies, and you all don't have a chance. Remember, that most children just want to see their parent's happy, so if you are constantly arguing about them they will start to feel really guilty, and end up with major conflict. Even if they don't show it.

In our case, my siblings, both biological and step, really didn't care what the other one got, as long as our needs were dealt with. Try to make kid issues, exactly that - about the kids, not a power struggle between the two of you.

Good luck!

I think this is why it is virtually unheard of to allow a teachers own child in his/her own class -- because it is too difficult to treat children fairly. And Hadley, if as you say, your STBSS has behaivor issues, and your DD knows how to push his buttons, this is a disaster waiting to happen.

"I think this is why it is virtually unheard of to allow a teachers own child in his/her own class."

It actually happens here quite a bit. My DD attends a private school and the 1st grade teacher (who she will have this year) taught her own son last year, and her other son a few years before that.

The 4th grade teacher also has two kids in the school.

I went to private schools growing up and my 5th grade teacher's daughter was in my class.

In public schools, it doesn't happen as much because there is generally more than one class for each grade level; most teachers opt to not have their own kids in their class, but the ones I have talked to about it did it more for their own sanity reasons! LOL. They wanted to have some time away from their kids! haha.

I think it is a private school thing for your own child to be in your class. When I was in college I did some pre-student teaching in a catholic school. The teachers in 4th grade switched classes. One taught social studies while the other taught science. Then they each taught all the other subjects to their own class. So when the one teacher's son got to 4th grade she ended up having him just for ss.

She said that was not bad, but what was awkward was parent/teacher conference time because she had to talk to all her sons friends parents. Most of them were doing just fine but she said one was struggling behaviorally and academically so it was really hard to discuss that with parents who you knew on a personal level too.

Its not allowed in any of the public school districts that I have ever lived in. The reasoning is, correctly, that a teacher would not be able to be impartial to his own child.

It is allowed, but against recommendation, that a teacher have his own children at the same school that he teaches at. BUt the same class is not allowed.

I dont imagine private schools are held to the same standards, since there are a myriad of reasons that a school is private.

When my son was a preschooler, we went to the playground with his friend and his friend's sister, who is on the autistic spectrum. My son had personal space issues, and she knew exactly how to push his buttons. By the end of a twenty minute car ride, my friend and I had decided that we would NEVER put the two of them in a car together again, not if our lives depended on it.

lovehadley,

If your daughter gets to go to private school (I assume you mean a real private school, i.e. independent school, as opposed to a parochial school), sooner or later isn't your fiance's son going to get really jealous that he is stuck in public school? I think it would be an absolute disaster for him if his father had primary custody of him and his stepsister was able to enjoy a much better educational experience.

"If your daughter gets to go to private school (I assume you mean a real private school, i.e. independent school, as opposed to a parochial school), sooner or later isn't your fiance's son going to get really jealous that he is stuck in public school? I think it would be an absolute disaster for him if his father had primary custody of him and his stepsister was able to enjoy a much better educational experience."

TOS, you are right once again! Perhaps, the GAL should have thought about that, as well as the child's mother, who insists the child go to school in her district. Perhaps if the child lived with dad, he'd be in school with his step sister, enjoying a much better educational experience. (or perhaps if the mother cared, she'd get a job and put him in a better school in her area... and have dad contribute) But, I do recall that dad paid for private school last year and he got kicked out for his behavioral problems. Of course, that is something both of his parents should address.

TOS,

Yes, she does go to a private (independent) school. Before anyone even goes there, my father pays her tuition. My grandparents set up a college trust for her, as they did for the grandkids, as well, and my father has always wanted to pay for her primary education.

STBSS was at a Catholic school last year--but it is actually a private school, NOT a parochial school. It is independent and funded only by tuition/annual giving. It is NOT run by the church or given any funding from the church.

So we (my fiance and myself) really made a lot of sacrifices last year so he could go there. We felt the SAME WAY in regards to what you said about my DD attending private school and him attending a public.

BM was against a private school from the get-go. I personally think she felt threatened by it, and that she didn't "fit in" among the other parents. (Really, she didn't.) But you would have thought she would have wanted her son to have a GREAT education. She b*tched all year about how he should be riding the bus and going to public like a "regular kid."

She was VERY negative about the school itself to STBSS and I believe that played a large role in why he didn't have a successful year there. She was CONSTANTLY telling him that if he didn't like it, he could go to a new school, and that his dad MADE him go to a school with uniforms, and that his teacher was mean, etc etc. I really believe if she had had a more positive attitude, he might have done better there and felt more confident.

I also think a lot of the school's decision to not re-enroll STBSS was due to BM's actions, as well. She was forever volunteering for stuff and then bailing at the last minute--but if I offered to go in her place, she would freak out.

She would show up at school at random times demanding to talk with the teacher, or demanding to have lunch with her son. When the school tried to explain that it wasn't allowed, she flipped out and was really rude to the office staff.

Just stuff like that.

I'm not saying it was ALL her, but I don't think her attitude helped matters a bit.

Anyway--my point is, my fiance and myself certainly did our best to give him the same education as my daughter.

back on track . . .

Momma2four, I think what would work for ALL of you would be to sit down, involve the kids as much as their age permits, and set rules for ALL of you to follow, parents and kids. You can then assign each a consequence, i.e. back talking results in 10 minutes in your room, picking a fight with another kid results in doing a favor of that kid's choosing, like picking up their toys for them. If everything is spelled out it's easier to make sure everything is 'fair' and each kid is fairly punished.

I've also lately tried making my kids solve their own 'issues.' If DS1 took DS2's toy away, I send them off for 2 minutes together to decide what should happen. The results are pretty funny - DS1 has to give DS2 a Pokemon card, or has to brush his teeth for him - but they seem to work. I don't think they like their siblings turning out the punishments. :-)

Why didn't she fit in with the other parents? Because she was of a lower socioeconomic class? Is she actually Catholic? It seems that it should be possible, in a large city, to find an independent school that meets the needs of your fiance's son and his mother. Was she involved in the selection of the school? It sounds rather rigid, and he might be better off in a more flexible school. In my state, in the public schools, it is true that the parent CAN show up and eat lunch with their child.

I'm posting a School issues post pertaining to who choses schools and who should pay.

JNM,

Same rules for all doesnt always equate to fairness. LoveHadley tells us that her DD is well behaved and respected by all, yet taunts FSS with less control, after receiving warning. Maybe LHs FDH sees issues her that LH doesnt see. In many ways boys mature later. I think you have to have to watch out for what is equal not being fair. At young age, girls may be more verbal, etc.

I bet that is really hard. I have no childern from previous relationships so I haven't had to deal with the issues you are going through. I am pregnant with a child by my husband so I wonder if similiar problems will arrise? I hope not.

I agree with Love and Stefk, you guys have to view yourselves as a family....a TEAM. It's going to be hard but there has to be ,like Stefk said, a conscious decision to NOT favor any particular child. It will be hard to do unless you and your fiance' can both adhere to those terms.

I always think of the girls as a part of Jonathan. I see so much of him in them that I can't HELP but love them. There is alot of the man you love (same with your children)in those kids so focus on that. In fact, you'll probably find that some of their more annoying habits are VERY familiar...hahaha. It brings humor to potentialy icky situations when you can look at it from other angles. I can laugh at so much the girls do by saying "You are SOOOOO much like your father!" :)

"LoveHadley tells us that her DD is well behaved and respected by all, yet taunts FSS with less control, after receiving warning. Maybe LHs FDH sees issues her that LH doesnt see."

I was the one that put her in time-out for teasing.
I NEVER said my DD was perfect by ANY stretch of the imagination. She is a 6 year old kid and she whines and teases occasionally just like ANY 6 year old child.

I wouldn't go so far as to say she was TAUNTING him, to me the word taunting means to make fun of or harrass. I would say the couch incident was her teasing. Much like when kids are in the car, and the one child "looks" out the other one's window and then it prompts arguing....and the child insists "I'm not DOING anything." Well, yes, they are, they are teasing.

My DD is well-behaved 95% of the time. I am NOT exaggerating that at all. I have NEVER had anything negative from school or anything. Her teacher last year repeatedly told me "she is the perfect little student."

she is kind of a teacher's pet type--she really thrives on positive attention and is a total perfectionist, to the point that it does concern me at times. I have to remind her that it is okay to make mistakes, that's how we learn.

Anyway--I am not saying she is perfect at all.

I do agree that the same rules for all is not ALWAYS fair. BUT I think we can all agree that hitting/biting/pinching or any other sort of physical harm is NEVER acceptable for any child to do. Bio or step, different needs or not.

I dont think physical harm is acceptable. But I would hope in the future, if you decide to stay, you will recognize that your DD knows how to push buttons. And I think pushing someone on the couch, leaving them with no room, is more than looking at the window. Seems to me that you make excuses for your DD, and minimize her role.

"And I think pushing someone on the couch, leaving them with no room, is more than looking at the window. Seems to me that you make excuses for your DD, and minimize her role."

She wasn't PUSHING. She just kept stretching out.

I am NOT saying that she didn't play a role in it. Geez. I think I clearly stated that I sent her to time-out for not listening to me the first time I warned her to stop. Go back and read my initial post.

Yes, I think she was teasing. But I can tell you of many, many other times that STBSS has teased her.

How old is your DD? Isn't she 16 or 17? Is it possible that you have kind of forgotten that young kids do tease each other? Heck, I have a younger brother and we used to drive each other crazy with teasing. My brother used to KISS me all over my arms/legs when I was about 10, and he was 6 and I HATED it. My parents would tell me to ignore him...AUUUGHHH...I hated it it.

Show me anything I have said that says I am minimizing my DD's role in that incident. Seriously, go back and read my OP and description of the incident.

As a teacher, and parent, I believe it was handled appropriately, and the consequences doled out were appropriate for each child's "offense."

"But I would hope in the future, if you decide to stay, you will recognize that your DD knows how to push buttons."

That is ANY child. Kids at this age sometimes get in mood where they like to annoy...they see that something they are doing gets a reaction, so they do it.

I NEVER said my DD doesn't do this. She DOES and when it happens, I handle it or my fiance handles it appropriately. But I am NOT exaggerating when I say that 95% of the time, behavior just isn't an issue with her.

It may turn out to be down the road when she is a teenager, or even a bit before. Who knows. But RIGHT NOW, she is a pretty easy child.

What would you say if the roles had been reversed and my DD had been the one to bite STBSS b/c he had been teasing?