Wow... talk about anger. If thing were that terrible in the household and you could see that your place there was causing so many problems and complications between the father and his son, why didn't you just decide to be the bigger person and step out of the picture a bit until they could resolve some issues. It sounds like they have a lot more to work on than just the sons unhappiness towards you.
Have you and your husband seeked any kind of marriage councelling to try and repair the damage that has been done?

Interesting take....same kind of thing I've been feeling. I got fed up reading about how others think it is just blaming and that not all situations are the same and of course everyone deserves respect (I agree it's true, but it isn't happening and that is what is frustrating to those of us who give and expect respect!). I agree that not all situations are the same, but there seems to be a lot of people out there who have a lot of angst about the whole step thing -- no matter if you're a stepparent or child. I know that we are the adults and need to take extra caution with the children, but I think sometimes that we are expected to be "Super-Human." To forget about our feelings and needs.....I am not saying that there aren't bad stepparents out there, but it seems that most of us (especially those interested in posting and learning and sharing) are really just good people trying to make a difficult situation work. Most of the time I can deal with all of this, but I can't always just "take the high road." I agree that all we did was come into their lives....we didn't cause the break-up, or decide to marry the children! We both (kids and us) were brought together by someone we each love....but it feels like we're the ones asked to carry much of the burden to make it work. I honestly don't know what I would say to someone who asked "should I marry while the kids are still there?"! I do not regret marrying my husband, but I sure had no idea how difficult it would be. Even the simple things are hard for me sometimes -- taking care of his son while he travels. Not a big deal because my SS is almost 16 and a really good kid. But it's making dinners and driving him around every night -- something that I never had to do as a single woman! My husband doesn't understand how that makes me feel pressure and how I love when he is back and want him to do those things.....I think he thinks that I should feel the same way about his son....but he is NOT my son. I do care for him and want to do what is best for him, but I came into his life when he was 12....and have his mother always reminding us that she is his mother (despite the little she does for him).....so I couldn't feel the same way about him that my husband does.

Whatever....I guess I'm just venting in all directions. But I just get so tired of being attacked when all I'm trying to do is help to raise healthy kids (well, I have officially given up on the almost 20 y/o SD who is a spoiled entitled little witch!) and have a loving relationship with my husband.

It does make you wonder how any step situation works out at all!

You said it EXACTLY....what a great way of looking at it! I have never thought of it this way...maybe because we are REALLY not at fault. (in my situation and I am sure in many others) the following should apply: "you are not with your first wife....you are with your second wife - YOU chose ME...YOU chose not to be with HER/HIM....if you chose me - there must be something good about me....if you blame me then you are listiening to your ex....through your kids. So wake up and realize where the problem really is (YOUR PAST) which means your are letting your past (or ex) destroy your life - yet again! Thanks sarahl!

blueeyedgirl, why should she step out of the picture? She as done nothing wrong. Sounds to me like the father needs to step and take blame. You stated in an earlier forum that your son and husband did not get along...did you make him step aside?

I am completely confused by this post...the husband should take the blame for the way you have behaved toward his children because he married you and brought you together with his children??? I'm not sure I understand what you are trying to say. I think that if your spouse/the bio-parent doesn't take the role of the diciplinarian and by virtue of not taking that role, leaves it up to the stepparent then the spouse certainly does deserve the blame as turning the stepparent into the "evil" one.

Also, just a side note, but as the stepchild of a truly evil stepmother, I do blame my dad for bringing her into my life and for not taking a stand for me. He and I both knew exactly how she was when he chose to marry her, and I resent the hell out of him for it. I still do love him though, and I wish that our relationship could be something other than what it is.

No that is not it....what is being said (from my perspective) in defense of the majority of stepparents, or of the ones of us who have been good to out stepchildren and tried, yes the bio father/mother DID marry us and want us in their lives. So if a man or woman continues to stay in a blended family, then that means 1) the stepparent is not bad and the stepchild is causing problems due to their own selfishness or 2) the stepparent IS bad to his/her kids and he should be man enough to either change it or get out. There are reasons 2 people divorce...which means MOST people are going to carefully choose the next spouse. So if these kids hate us (usally for not good reasons other than jealously), point the finger at the one who brought them in - if the stepparent/spouse is such a bad person - then get rid of them...or maybe they are not so bad after all?

Dear Jenny, that is exactly what I meant.

Dear Blue eyed,
There are 4 children in our house, not just the one, although he has been the center of attention with all of his behavior. He has orchestrated it and my husband has allowed it. The other 3 are well adjusted wonderful children. They all love me and I love them. 2 are from my previous marriage and 2 are from my husband's.
My husband works second shift and I have been put in the position of being the disciplinarian or at least enforcer of my husbands rules for his kids for years.
You see the scenario, kid wants his way, gets in trouble or goes against dad's rules. I am supposed to enforce the rules, kid claims I am unfair doing that - I am the meany. Dad believes kid, can't imagine him doing such a thing. I am second guessed and wrong. I have no authority. Kid gets message he doesn't have to listen to me then right? So now you have an out of control kid, the rules don't apply to him, he does whatever he wants and there is total upheaval. Kid runs the show.
True story - can't make em up like this -
Dad comes home from work in the morning. Where is the truck? I have no idea, it was here when I went to bed, the kids were all in bed. Kid comes down in the morning, do you know where the truck is? Yeah, (the kid is 18 still in hs). I decided to go gambling in the middle of the night. You had a tail light out on your truck so the cops pulled me over. I had a ticket that I didn't pay, you know I don't have a job, so they took me to jail. I called my gf's parents to bail me out of jail and now you have to go get your truck out of impound. Oh and I am tired and am not going to school. ?????. Who is running the show?
If I say something - I am the crazy one right?
Who's check book does the ticket and impound money come out of? What sort of message is being sent to the other 3?
The other 3 look at me and ask, well if he can get away with it, why can't I. I just tell them I have higher standards for them and won't let them go there because I love them.

Sarahl, I hear you. Bio-parents have the responsibility to help the kids to accept their new step-parents, and to define their new spouse's role in the family, and they also have the responsibility to help their new spouse to understand the kid's characters and protect the kids from the evil ones. I agree the Bio-parents are equality responsible if the whole step family thing does not work out.

Boy, am I ever happy I have found this site. You wouldn't believe how for years, I truly, truly thought I was either crazy, mean or just totally immature in regards to my SD and her father. For years, I swear to God I did everything to make this child welcome, to let her know that I cared for her, etc. etc. etc.. It also took me years to realize that she is not a really nice girl. She is 26 years old and to this day she hardly has any friends. At her own wedding, when people saw I didn't have a corsage, and yet I had been in her life for 14 yrs at that time, some told me how '' mean'' that was of my SD to do that to me. We gave her 500 $ as a wedding gift. She thanked her father but never me. I have never been to her house since that day. She asked me to go many, many times and I kept refusing, thinking how should I go to your house and make you feel good after you treated the day of your wedding. If figured on her wedding day, she wanted all the people she loved around her and she sure told me who she loved by having everybody and their dog wear a corsage except me. Her own father, when we got to the reception hall, recognized that alot of people had a corsage, but not me! He said. That is not right!

Of course he never told her this but for once he said admitted to me that his daughter wasn't right in doing this. In the mean time, when his daughter begged me to go to her house and I would say NO thank you, ....DH would question me as to why I wouldn't go. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that NEVER' NEVER would I go to her house. I obviously wasn't welcomed at her wedding, so why would she want to invite me in her home. CUz it would make her feel good! Ya right! She told me that everybody else had been to her house but not me! I replied : OH well, that's life!

Once day, believe me, I will tell her why!

Now, I hear she might be moving back near us since she is planning on divorcing her husband. I already told my husband this would be the beginning of the end between us and that I would have to work very hard not to let her affect my relationship with him. I also told him that i didn't care if it was 100 degrees outside, she was not welcomed at our cottage if I was there. I am sick and tired of being her maid.

Every single time she has been there with her children and husband, believe it or not, after two weeks there, all she does before leaving is pick up her stuff and leave. She had never cleaned the place she left! I am the one who got stuck with all the dirty laundry, dirty fingerprints all arouind the place, et6c. etc . etc. I told her father last night, she will never be allowed to go unless you are there with her. Last time this happened he's the one who had to d to do some cleaning up and do all the dishes when she left. When I went back to the cottage, I washed everything! I wanted to get rid of her smell and it worked cuz I cleaned everything!

I could go on and on but I feel so good lately that I have made up my mind not to feel guilty about my attitude towards her! She acts like anything she talks about with her father is none of my business. Well, i have decided to make her NONE OF MY BUSINESS!

My DH has not quite noticed yet that I am avoiding any discussion regarding his daughter or that when he's on the phone with her, I leave the room. I know my husband. He hasn't exactly noticed this but he will and then boy oh boy am I ready to tell him once and for all that I don't want to hear anything about his daughter anymore. That's it! That's all!

Have a nice weekend everybody!

Keep posting.

"why didn't you just decide to be the bigger person and step out of the picture a bit until they could resolve some issues."

Why should she leave??? This is HER MARRIAGE.I say if the son is old enough to leave,then he should. She should uproot the other children just to please one?

Sorry,but,sounds to me like this so-called kid of 18 should get a firm kick in his butt. You didnt say anything when he had the truck impounded? You are more of a woman then I'am then. I would have gone off!!!
What you have is the typical "evil step mother syndrome" that your husband has caused. Everything you decsribed exactly!
You should tell your husband fine,you wont enforce rules to him anymore. You wont even pay attention to him at anymore. As far as your concerned he isnt even here. Take yourself out of the middle and your problem will be resolved. When no one is saying anything to the son anymore,then your husband will HAVE too. Afterall,it is really his job in the first place that he isnt doing!

Ok, now that I understand what you mean by this post, I will still refer to my earlier post..."as the stepchild of a truly evil stepmother, I do blame my dad for bringing her into my life and for not taking a stand for me. He and I both knew exactly how she was when he chose to marry her, and I resent the hell out of him for it. I still do love him though, and I wish that our relationship could be something other than what it is"

Coolmomma,
The kid is out now and in the marines and hates it and daddy misses him, is afraid for him and it is all my fault. There is genuine peace in my house when my husband isn't home. The 3 kids and I are great. The problem is my husband and I. It hurts that he feels that way toward me. I can't understand how he can possibly love me when he thinks I am so horrid. My marriage is falling apart. I know that. But up until the last month I have been taking the blame for it all. Well I am done taking the blame. It is put up or shut up time. I just don't want to lose my stepson who loves me, if we can't fix this mess.
I know all about the evil step mother syndrome - a copy of it is on the nightstand beside the bed. He chooses not to read or acknowledge it. It is all me in his eyes, mind and heart. That is why it is so bad.
The impounding was just one of a number of disasters. The one that really scares me is his choking his girlfriend and his dad excusing it because he had a migraine. That kid is going down the wrong road and I feel badly turning him loose on society the way he is. But I can't do a damned thing about it.

sarah,

How is it that you are being blamed because the son joined the military. How was that your decision? That is so rediculous and I'm sorry that your husband is blaming you for it. My stepmother is terrible, but her attitude (by the way, I think you are probably nothing like her) could never cause me to run off and join the military. I think you are right, your husband is just looking for somebody to blame and is having a hard time looking in the mirror and focusing the blame where it belongs.

How in the world could a migraine cause a person to choke his girlfriend. That is one I haven't heard before. Sounds like your husband has difficulty acknowledging his son's responsibility for his actions. I wish I had advice to offer you instead of just empathy! Hopefully the marines will straighten the stepson out. I'm sure he is miserable if he's in the possition that for the first time, he will be held accountable for his actions. Maybe you should force your husband to sign up for the Marines too...LOL.

Jenny_Alabama;

Yes I did ask my huband to step aside and let me deal with my son and his problems. I did not ask him to move out or anything, mearly to leave all the discipling and decision making to me for awhile since there was anger and resentment building between the two of them and I did not want to see their relationship destroyed.
Didn't I see in an earlier thread where you said you offered to your husband to step aside while he dealt with your SS?

sarahl-I am loving this.....boy-oh-boy, am I looking forward to "flipping the script" the next time I am told all about how I am the source of all of SDs' misery (by her---not DH,SS, or any other remotely resonable party involved). Thank you for reminding me to remember that there IS a reason I am in this----a marriage, other children, and the life DH and I decided to build!

Oh and just for a chuckle----hey we all need it----A fabulous addition to the previously mentioned might also be---assuming one would get to it before a tantrum ensued ;)---"Do you think that I, a never before married woman, with no children of her own (or whatever fits), went running about looking for a divorced man, with children, to fall in love with; just so I could wreak havoc on his daughters' life? That it was my grand plan to, after years of unyeilding, unselfish efforts to be disrespected, called out of my name and cursed daily by her?"

Just thought I would share the latest.
This is the story dad heard from stepson marine this weekend. Kid was put in charge of younger marines for the weekend. They were arrested. Don't know the whole story - but bet there is "the rest of the story", as Paul Harvey says.
I didn't say a word, just oh.
Kid wants to fly little brother out to visit him for the weekend - don't think I'd like to entrust little brother with him after the latest.

blueeyedgirl...I offered to leave while he dealt with his son....which my husband did not want. He would not ask me to step aside if I were to stay in the house when his son came weekends...being this is my home as well as his and we go by the same rules with both our children. He recognized the problems and knew I was doing everything possible to make it work...and being the kind of mother to enforce rules that applied to both. I did not see where you requested for your husband to step aside...only where you are sending your son to live with your ex. Not saying this is a bad thing...but according to your entry you started it out as if the problems are because your son does not accept your husbands rules and they do not get along.

smart move not wanting little brother to go out there with him after what he did.