I would rather have a root canal without anesthetic than attempt to share birthday parties with my ex, or hubbys ex. You are a brave soul.

I am sure if everyone has their own celebration the kids will enjoy it just as much, maybe more because the underlying tension will be gone.

I agree with kathline. I see no need to share bday parties. it makes nobody to feel stable. What you describe it looks like your DH's and BM's relationship is pretty unstable and unhealthy and unfriendly. There is no need to have parties together. Eevn if you all act cordial on public, kids always feel tension. Have your own party and let BM have her own. In this case kid has two parties!!! And less tension.

I agree with kathline, over the years we've only had two joint birthday parties, the first was a nightmare, the second BM just stayed in the corner and didn't interact at all. Neither one seemed more enjoyable to my SS than all of their other parties, they really did seem more stressed.

"what are your plans... BM said I don't know whatever I can swing chuckie cheese or the park"

I think you better be having that party to be sure the birthday boy *gets* a party.

If his mother gives him a party the next day, I bet he won't complain (2 birthday parties?? Yay!!)

Even shared bday parties for stepgrandchildren can be gut-wrenching. Been there, done that.

I can't imagine trying to share a bday party for a SS or SD.

I guess you are all right... maybe it is best to keep things seperate...that way they are less stressed and more relaxed... and your right. BM almost always finds something to be pissy about at the combined birthdays. Last year, DH and I told son that he could invite some friends from school. No big deal right... it is his party his friends should be there.... Wrong... BM got all up in arms because there was going to be what amounted to one more kid... and then talked more trash then I care to remember about how the parents dropped their child off. I was like don't most parents drop their child off at a party and then pick them back up... And arent most of the people at this party grown adults that are your friends and your BF's children... why are you b*** about this... I got so fed up with it I did end up saying..look as far as I know most people do this and both I and DH have talked to the parents why dont we move on with the birthday... to which she immediately moved on to b*** at the waitress about drinks taking too long... And "I should complain...this is ridiculous"... No what is ridiculous is your attitude.

I just hate the thought of things being so seperate for the kids... and I hate the thought of essentially her soothing her conscience over it by acting like she never said or acted like DH couldnt go to the party and all suprised about us doing something when she hasnt replied to that phone call in almost two weeks... so now she can say it is all our fault that this happened... I don't know.
And, I am almost certain because she is who she is when DH tells her what is going on she will pitch a fit and she will all of a sudden have specific plans that she made and/or have to work that sunday or whatever... UGH can't we just get along ;-)

But, like I said (well you guys said) maybe it would be best.

I don't know that kids even grasp the adult perspective that the party is "separate" & therefore not a Norman Rockwell illustration.

I just don't think kids are that interested in adults.

Host the party, give the lil guy & his friends a good time, & celebrate what you have.

We are facing a similar problem. SD's birthday is coming up and her last birthday was the event that sparked off the six month custody battle. Her parents agreed to a joint party last year and BM went off the deep end the morning of her birthday because he let her plan it and we were going to pay half, but when she kept adding stuff, he finally said no & she blew up. It was a disaster and nobody that BM invited showed up. We ended up paying for half and it was definitely tension filled. DH said that's the LAST time for a joint party. So, now I am planning a party for her and even though BM knows we are not inviting her, SD is still asking DH and me, 'why can't my mom come?'

if a kid is asking for mom to be there, then the right thing is to invite mom. usually kids in divorced families understand why mom and dad don't hang out together. maybe at some point kids need to understand that parenst are divorced and rather not hang out at the same parties.

c'mon fine. last week her mom tried to start a fight with me and accused me of abusing her by feeding her peanut butter & jelly sandwiches. SD has been 'mad' at me ever since because I raised my voice to BM when I told her if she thinks I'm abusing SD to call CPS.

After being upset with me because she thinks I hate her mom and she knows her mom hates me, she asks me to buy her mom a valentines gift and wants me to invite her to her BD party. and you think it's a good idea?

In any event, mom of 4, you need not feel guilty or responsible to do anything beyond what you have, since it sounds like you have already done the right things per your visitation/birthday schedule & by planning a party for him. In this case it is BM who is making your attendance at the party she is organizing conditional upon DH shelling out money to attend. Not exactly a friendly invite. And since her party is *in addition to* the agreed-upon vistitation/birthday schedule, she can't really expect you to pitch in. At least not this year, and not under these circumstances.

If it was me, I'd invite her to the party you're having ---no strings attached--- just to model how it *should* be, per the visitation agreement and the hopes of having a truly fun friendly time with everyone there. Let her decline if she wants, but be the bigger person and hopefully she'll catch on.

I think the biggest thing being overlooked is that you DH has visitation with SS this year until Sunday (evening?) For her to plan a party and assume she would have SS for it is unreasonable. Period. The fact that you all tried to work it out before hand and she refused to puts her further in the wrong in my opinion.

We have hosted (as the CP) each of SD's parties since she was 6 . . . less one that mom planned the weekend before the party we were having knowing that it was planned. We have invited mom to every party, and she has come for at least a hour to most of them . . . expect for this year when she spent the night. I can tell you that up until this year SD didn't seem to really care, some times she thanked me for inviting her, other times she asked if I had to. Last weekend she seemed really tickled that mom stayed the night and we hung out together - she's remarked on it several times.

I think unless you know everyone can be civil during the party having them there may be more trouble than it's worth. No matter what was going on between adults I was fairly certain that in front of SD and her friends mom would behave and she did . . . she would just say crap to SD afterward.

At this point I would just proceed with your plans. It is within your right. If you feel that you need to invite mom then do so, but I won't say you are obligated to. I do think it is good for kids to see ALL their parents together, but only if that will be neutral to positive rather than neutral to negative.

iammommy, My point was that most kids understand that parents do not hang out together because they are divorced. And most kids wouldn't ask for other parent to be there. But if they do ask for a parent to be there (unless parent is abusive), then it is OK to invite him or her. iammommy sometimes you sound like you forget that your DH and BM are the parents of SD. Even if they delegate their responsibilities to you, even if they suck as parents, they are the parents it is still up to them to come ot each other parties or not. And SMs and BMs really shouldn't be arguing with each other in kids' presence especially mentioning CPS. If you or BM are unhappy with something in regards to SD, you need to talk to the father. It is their child.

sylvia is right to the point as always. let kids celebrate and have fun. most of the time they don't even notice who is at the party.

If you look at my first post on this thread, you will see that at SD's last birthday, they did have it together and BM caused such a big stink for the few days before the party and the day of the party, she made it so tense for everyone, that DH said never again. I'm not the one that said she can't invite her mom but her mom is the one that tries to start fights with me in front of her daughter. I have never said anything to BM & I have been pretty good about ignoring her attempts to provoke me in the past, but when she got in my face and tells me to shut your mouth because I don't want to argue with her (the only thing I said is 'it's after six' because we were picking up SD at six and DH had already told her we weren't having this discussion with SD there and she ignored him and started yelling at me) SD should be asking her dad why mommy can't come, but she asks me. I tell her it's up to her dad. Dad tells her no, and when she gets off the phone with mom, she starts asking again. (and of course, she starts with me first... it's like a vicious circle.)

and it is their child. That's why if she thinks her child is being abused, she should tell my husband, the police, CPS, or the court, Not try and pick a fight with me during an exchange when her daughter is right there.

A simple solution would be to have just the mother and father there, not the stepparent or mother's boyfriend.

yes theotherside, that would be the simple solution. Maybe if she could control herself, that would work. Last year, she walked into his work on the morning of their daughter's birthday and began demanding that he give her money, calling him names and caused a huge scene in front of all his co-workers. Then, two days later (the day of the party) she called him when we were in the parking lot, yelling because we were supposed to be there fifteen minutes before the party (but she hadn't told us that) and she snapped at him during the whole thing. Then, when it came time to pay, she asked me to put it on a credit card and she'll write me a check for her half. (she got pissed because I said no, she has had several accounts closed because she writes bad checks) and I paid for the majority of the party to keep the peace. But, I think you are right TOS, if I don't go to the party, they should get along just dandy.

I am just wondering why ima is so upset when mom threatens to report them to cps for feeding the kid peanut butter sandwiches, when imas husband "flew to the computer" to threaten cps when SD was supposedly sick from eating tuna and ice cream.

it seems to me that ima, her husband, and his ex just cant get along, and everyone escalates it. They ought to avoid each other at all costs. Some people just bring out the worst in each other.

I cant even begin to imagine any kind of party situation working out with people that think cps is the answer to parenting differences.

Kathline, I'm not upset at what she said. I'm upset that she created a scene in front of her daughter during an exchange and kept using the word abuse because of foods I have served her. I thought it was ridiculous and told her that if she felt her daughter was abused, why didn't she call CPS (or someone else because she said this so called abuse had been going on for weeks and she's never mentioned anything to DH) All of a sudden, she starts making these allegations on the day DH tells her she can no longer pick up SD from school early for her weekends. (Even the teacher said something about it) Now, she's not getting her way.. abuse allegations.

and the previous incident about the tuna & ice cream was following three other emails he sent her about other issues he had concerns about. She let SD sleep in the same bed as her BF's two sons that are a couple of years older than SD. and then SD started telling everyone at school & her counselor that she was moving to her mom's house. DH had asked her why SD was saying that. BM didn't respond to any of his emails. She didn't respond to his first email about SD being sick, so he finally told her that if she wasn't going to respond to any of the issues he has, then he will report it to someone else. When he said that, she responded by calling him and denying everything. She lied and said her BF' kids have their own room (they live in a one bedroom house). That's when she decided to say that the previous weekend (four days earlier) she noticed bruises all over her daughter. In my opinion, as a mother, if my child had bruises all over them and I thought the father or stepmother did it, I wouldn't call up the father and say anything, I would call the police. She didn't do either. She waited until he complained that she wasn't responding to any of his concerns and then makes that allegation. She knew it was a lie and she didn't mind putting her child in the middle again, and even if it might have resulted in subjecting her daughter to being physically examined to prove or disprove the allegation. It's kinda sick if you ask me. (and I think she may have a mental health or medical problem that hasn't been diagnosed)

They haven't been 'throwing' around threats of CPS but there have been many things that, if true, would warrant an investigation. Unfortunately, proving those things is not easy and we have no intention on escalating things. DH and I have tried many things to get along. We've taken cooperative parenting & step family classes, talked to the counselor, limit our contact with BM to only 'necessary' things relating to SD. and our counselor says that she likely goes into these rages when something else in her life is amiss. Like her relationship or money problems, she then rages at us because we are easy targets.