It sounds as if he gets depressed when she is gone and/or maybe he feels guilty to have fun with his other kids when she is not there. Either way, it IS damaging to his other children for him to treat them like that and eventually, they will notice.

Is he involved with his daughter on a regular basis? Are his visits longer than usual with long breaks in between? Perhaps he can be more involved in her day to day life... via phone calls, internet, letters, etc. He can contact her school and talk to her teacher to keep up on her progress. There are also websites that some schools use to access information, which is great for parents that are too far away to maintain regular contact with the school. There are lots of ways he can be involved in her life more so he doesn't feel so guilty for only seeing her infrequently that he overdoes it when she does come.

It isn't fair to the other kids and it puts way too much pressure on you. The resentment will build, it already is. I would suggest encouraging him to be an active parent in his daughter's life and counseling with him to work through the issue of guilt and treating his younger children like 2nd class citizens, while his daughter gets the red carpet rolled out. They are all his kids... ask him if he would treat them all that way if he were in an intact family with four kids instead of a blended family.

Ok, not to defend your husband---but I do wonder if the ages of your two children vs. the age of his daughter are playing a role here.

There is a big difference in the interaction between a parent and kids under 2, and the interaction between a parent and a 7 year old. My husband loved and cared for his son from the start, but I can see a definite change in how he related to him since he got older, like 3, 4, 5ish.
As kids get older, a whole new world opens up and it does sound like many of the things your DH is doing with his DD (arcading?) he couldn't do with young ones, anyway.

Not even 2 years old is really still a baby.

So I think this might be a factor.

Now, I also think your DH probably IS parenting out of guilt. How long is your SD with you guys? Iknow you said 2.5 months but is that all one stretch in the summer or is it broken up into shorter visits?

It must be hard, if the visits are short 2 week ones, to establish any kind of routine and regularity. The bottom line is, your SD is more of a visitor in your home and your DH is just probably unsure how to relate to her, because he doesn't know her that well, so he loads her up on fun activities.

I agree with Imamommy that your DH should find ways to be more involved with his DD's life, even from afar. (I assume there is a distance?) Ima had some great suggestions about corresponding with the teacher, etc.

Good luck! I know this isn't an easy position for you and of course you don't want to see your children together left out. I feel for you.

Not sure I buy the whole "parenting out of guilt" concept (but I've never read the book or anything, so maybe I shouldn't judge just yet)... but I can see where noncustodial bio-parents who don't get to see their children often may parent out of a sense of LOSS... which is what it sounds like may be happening here.

I agree that it isn't fair to the other kids if the discrepancy is extreme... however it isn't 'fair' to the one child who doesn't get to live with Daddy full-time compared to the other kids who do. Seen this way, it wouldn't be 'fair' to treat all the kids EXACTLY the same when his daughter visits because the rest of the year, the other kids get so much more of his time and attention (in total, in quantity, if not in quality). That's where it gets really tricky. And that's where everyone kind of does have to expect that to a REASONABLE extent, the other child's visits will always be 'special' simply because they are rarer. The key word, though, is REASONABLE. Also knowing what's within control and able to be levelled out and what isn't. Rules, for example. All the kids should be following the same rules, with the same rewards/consequences. Money, also. Approximately equal amounts of money should be spent on all kids. Even chores (many might disagree with me on this) should be expected of all children, yes even the visiting child, provided they are reasonable and don't suck up too much of the quality time. Other thing, such as feelings, are harder to control. You can't stop DH from getting an xtra twinkle in his eye when his daughter coes to visit, just like you can't stop a parent from having an extra soft spot from their first-born, or for their youngest, or for the one who was a preemie, or the one with the cute freckles on his nose, etc. Ideally, the parent has one of these 'special soft spots' for each of his/her kids for different reasons.

And that, I think, is the key to successful parenting, custodial or noncustodial, intact or blended family. Somehow, some way, each child needs to feel EQUALLY SPECIAL. All treated fairly, but also all unique. That's what I'd tell your husband, and at the same time I'd be pre-emptively reassuring the kids myself of their individual specialness. I'd very kindly and clamly discuss the issue with my husband and ask simply that we try to find some positive ways to balance things out just a little bit more between daughter visit periods and in-between daughter visit periods. Try to go out to eat a few times more when she's not there, even if you have to initiate it. Try to cook at home a few times more when she visits. Start out each year or quarter with a total budget for 'kid fun money', divide it by # of kids, and stick to it. If husband starts to go over it when his daughter is visiting, gently ask him "are you sure you want to spend the last part of this year's fun budget on THAT item and not a nicer gift for Christmas?", etc.

There are practical material things taht can be balanced out, and when they are, hopefully that will take the sting out of it more when he seems to "come alive" more when she visits. As long as you know that things really are basically fair and that your kids are getting plenty of love & attention and feel special too, it should hopefully become less of a problem.

If we ever do kid things when his daughter isnt here, he always seems to be watching our budget. But when his daughter visits, money is no object. This has made me very resentful of my husband.

sunshine,

I know a number of 2nd marriages that have failed for this exact same reason, including one of the marriages of the BM I deal with. She got angry and dumped that husband for the exact same reason. I felt that was a true shame because he seemed like a fairly decent guy otherwise.

My SDs would have to do all the housework and chores and money was tight so they called us all the time for money for extracirricular activities, optional school field trips, etc. While when HIS kids came to visit, they did absolutely nothing--and money was no object!

So BM packed her bags and was out the door--and in less than 1 year! Although in her case, I highly suspect it was really because he treated his kids better than he treated her as well, along with being responsible for child support payments to 2 former Xwives, and I think she resented having to be responsible for for basically financially supporting the household, while his money went for child support, and the rest he squandered on HIS kids.

However, the impression I get from your post is that he's the father of your children as well? If that's the case then all your husband is guilty of doing is overcompensating for the guilt he feels for being unable to "be there" for his other daughter, which he obviously feels is far more important than the money.

The money's a substitute for his time and attention, and the engergy he expends on her is to try to give her as much of himself as he possibly can while she's there.

I can't really give you any advice because I've never been in that situation so I have no idea what you should do. All I can tell you is that a number of friends of mine have also been in this situation, and some have managed to work it out, but others couldn't and walked out the door, and it's also always been the woman who leaves.

One woman I know even separated completely from her husband until after the kids were grown and had moved out out the house, and then they remarried and are still together today!

I wish you the best of luck.

I do agree with Lovehadley. Ages of the kids may play a big factor. Taking a 7 year old to an arcade or out to eat is completely different than a 2 year old or younger. To a 7 year old these things are a treat, where as a 2 year old does not really understand it all.

Does your husband eat dinner with you all, do story time, and all the other things you mentioned you like to do when his 7 year old is not there?

Have you told him how you feel?

If he only sees his daughter for a short amount of time each year I do understand him trying to do all the things he wishes he could do more often in that short time. Can you imagine only seeing your kids for 2 months out of the year?

Now as the kids get older I would think that he would bring them on some of these excursions (not all because his daugher still needs some alone time with daddy).

personally, I think the real question is why does he only see her 2.5 months out of the year?