Since I posted this, I have had another phone call from her - it is almost getting to the point where I get the giggles! It is not that I don't help people, I've made over 80 full size or bigger quilts and I only have one on my bed and one on the sofa - all the others have been given to others. But I hate being manipulated. The fact that I quilt does not obligate me into starting/finishing a quilt for anyone who is looking for the finished project w/o putting anything into it. She did keep saying how much work this is! Yep! And how long it was taking. Yep! She still hasn't caught on that it would take me the same amount of time and work. I only had one other time that someone really tried to take advantage. The women's leader at church thought it would be nice to give a baby quilt to every baby born in the church and to give away a quilt to one woman every year at the women's retreat. She turned to me and said the first baby quilt should go to the newest baby born the week before. I was stunned as I realized 'we' meant 'me'. I asked her who would be making the quilt, 'You.' I asked how the quilt would be from the group and different from the one I had already made and given to this mother. 'Well, we have donated fabric to you, haven't we?' NO! Then she said, 'well, you're still making the quilt to give away at retreat, right?' By then I was getting over being stunned and was moving into being indignant. I asked again, how this quilt would be from the group - would everyone be doing a block and I would just be assembling? She looked at me quite shocked and exclaimed that she did not even have a machine. So once it was clear that what she expected was for me to make the quilts and let her put her name on them, I said NO! I had a back log of projects I was working on and did not have time to do that, and it was being rather presumptuous of her to tell me what I would make. And she even said, 'well, you'd have a whole year to make one; that's enough time.' I think that is when my 'No' was enabled! (I even gave her an older, but in good-working-order Kenmore machine.)

Not sure I buy the whole "parenting out of guilt" concept (but I've never read the book or anything, so maybe I shouldn't judge just yet)... but I can see where noncustodial bio-parents who don't get to see their children often may parent out of a sense of LOSS... which is what it sounds like may be happening here. I agree that it isn't fair to the other kids if the discrepancy is extreme... however it isn't 'fair' to the one child who doesn't get to live with Daddy full-time compared to the other kids who do. Seen this way, it wouldn't be 'fair' to treat all the kids EXACTLY the same when his daughter visits because the rest of the year, the other kids get so much more of his time and attention (in total, in quantity, if not in quality). That's where it gets really tricky. And that's where everyone kind of does have to expect that to a REASONABLE extent, the other child's visits will always be 'special' simply because they are rarer. The key word, though, is REASONABLE. Also knowing what's within control and able to be levelled out and what isn't. Rules, for example. All the kids should be following the same rules, with the same rewards/consequences. Money, also. Approximately equal amounts of money should be spent on all kids. Even chores (many might disagree with me on this) should be expected of all children, yes even the visiting child, provided they are reasonable and don't suck up too much of the quality time. Other thing, such as feelings, are harder to control. You can't stop DH from getting an xtra twinkle in his eye when his daughter coes to visit, just like you can't stop a parent from having an extra soft spot from their first-born, or for their youngest, or for the one who was a preemie, or the one with the cute freckles on his nose, etc. Ideally, the parent has one of these 'special soft spots' for each of his/her kids for different reasons. And that, I think, is the key to successful parenting, custodial or noncustodial, intact or blended family. Somehow, some way, each child needs to feel EQUALLY SPECIAL. All treated fairly, but also all unique. That's what I'd tell your husband, and at the same time I'd be pre-emptively reassuring the kids myself of their individual specialness. I'd very kindly and clamly discuss the issue with my husband and ask simply that we try to find some positive ways to balance things out just a little bit more between daughter visit periods and in-between daughter visit periods. Try to go out to eat a few times more when she's not there, even if you have to initiate it. Try to cook at home a few times more when she visits. Start out each year or quarter with a total budget for 'kid fun money', divide it by # of kids, and stick to it. If husband starts to go over it when his daughter is visiting, gently ask him "are you sure you want to spend the last part of this year's fun budget on THAT item and not a nicer gift for Christmas?", etc. There are practical material things taht can be balanced out, and when they are, hopefully that will take the sting out of it more when he seems to "come alive" more when she visits. As long as you know that things really are basically fair and that your kids are getting plenty of love & attention and feel special too, it should hopefully become less of a problem.

So I have more to add to my comment DH pissed me off when I got home today. I rarely ask him to pick up my DD for me because I feel that it is my responsibility to get her and then I can't complain if SM does it so I try to be fair -- I don't like it that she does it so I make sure it's always me. Lol that's just one of my little things. Anyway. Today I wanted to go to the store and get a few things but I knew that DD would have homework AND needed dinner AND had 7pm piano so... I asked DH to pick up both kids, get them home, get DD started on homework, reminded him that DS would need a potty reminder AS SOON as they got home, and to start dinner. Monday Is easy oven pizza night so it wasn't a huge dinner thing to fix. I got Home 30 minutes after him to find DS had pooped his pants and was playing (in dirty pants) not literally but they had not been changed. Dinner was cooking, DD was screaming/squealing at DH because he was 'picking' on her and her homework wasn't started. Picking - I get so annoyed by his picking. He is playing and he will twirl her hair while she is reading and she gets ticked. He will tell her she has something on her chin so she goes to check and there is nothing there - which then sends her in to squealing mode again argh! I know he is kidding but my nerves can only take so much .... And then we were late for class because she wasn't done eating... It was like, I should have just done it myself -- period. Should have gone to the store this morning or last night. Sometimes I feel like I have to do everything and it drives me insane. It drives me to exhaustion. Well at least I didn't have to clean up DS's poopy undies. Lol that was all on DH!!

"has to balance what's best for him and best for you. And sometimes they just aren't going to work. IMO, childs needs come first." See, this is interesting. I think what is so interesting and diverse about this forum (or even when talking to friends in RL) is that EVERYONE is going to have their own opinion; and that opinion is one we have formed based on our own experiences and perspectives. Nivea, you were treated in a really cruel and hurtful manner by your SM, correct? (or am I mixing you up with another poster?) I believe it was you. Anyway, naturally, you are more inclined to empathize and identify with the child (stepchild) and perhaps even project a bit of your own feelings; and that's normal, we ALL do that. Just as I am more likely to identify with someone like Ima or Lamom or Silver, someone who is a SM dealing with difficult situations. Anyway, I know what you mean about the child needing to come first; but I think you are saying this out of your own experiences, which included being emotionally hurt by your cruel and emotionally immature SM who insisted HER needs come first. Correct? That is awful that happened and it's sad that your father allowed you to be pushed aside. (And please correct me if I am mixing up your history with someone else.) Our situation is a little different in that DH had continually made the mistake of doing things to harm our marriage---all under the guise of "it's best for SS." But a lot of what he was doing wasn't even really best for SS. DH wanted me to smooth things over and be nice to BM, even after she attacked me in front of SS. Sure, it might be superficially easier for SS if everything seemed hunky-dory again. But in the long run, what lesson is that teaching him? That violence is acceptable? That it's okay for his mom to behave like that and I will just pretend that everything is okay? Those aren't lessons I want SS or DD learning. So sometimes what IS best for SS isn't necessarily what one might think at face value. Sure, it would be more *pleasant* for him in the short term, but in the long run, I think it does more harm than good. (I don't think this particular weekend issue is even really about anything being "best" for SS, though.) And one thing our marriage counselor has been helping both of us see is that sometimes what's best for the marriage has to come first. And I will say this with 100% conviction: it would NOT be in SS's best interest for DH and I to divorce. Not at all. That would be one of the worst things that could happen for both him and my DD. I may be "just a stepmother" to him but I have been a positive and caring person in his life for almost 7 years. He views my daughter as his sister. He genuinely loves our family and feels a TOTAL part of our family unit...because he is! We are not just some people he spends a few days a month with, he has two families and we are one of them! If that unit were to dissolve, it would honestly devastate SS. It would devastate my DD, as well, but I really think it would be worse on SS. He is very sensitive to these things, and he is the type of child that turns his upsets inward. I know if he were to lose his family, it would really impact him negatively in an emotional sense. So in marriage counseling, one thing DH is having to focus on is sorting out when SS's needs really DO come first, and when it's just BM manipulating "in the name of their son." Obviously, there are times that the child's needs have to come first---heck, that is 95% of parenting! But it is my belief that this is not one of those times. SS's mom is doing well and there is no reason he can't be with her.