I have been dealing with this for 33 years. I tried everything suggested here. My husband has two daughters. i have no children of my own. i had to have a hhysterectomy when I was 25. i married my husband when I was 36 and happly single. He was too, after being divorced five years from his high school sweetheart,. She immigrated from South America to his small Southern town, when she was a young teen,. She was exotic and alluring to a naive teen. She had horrific underlying issues that to date have not been dealt with. Her mother was married when she got pregnant by another man and had her, supposedly to get out of the marriage. She left her and her older sister from her marriage, with her parents and moved to the United States. They joined her years later in my husbans’s small town.. Seven or eight years ago, my husband’s ex wife learned via genetic testing she had a brother who had used the same DNA testing service. He was adopted I suppose as an infant. Who knows how many others there could be. this behavior reminds me of a species of bird, the cowbird. They do nor rear their young themselves. They lay their eggs in the nest of other species, usually smaller in size. From the time they are hatched they are larger and demand more food. Very often the legetimate siblings die from starvation or are crowded out of the nest before they can fly and care for themselves. When both parents are not willing to work together post divorce about the children they created, put their needs and wants before that of their children, it is going to be a disaster in some way. Add to it someone with this background above, and a dupisaster is guaranteed. I am a young senior now. I was very idealistic when I married my husband. I also saw two teens neglected by a mother who was focused solely on her career. My husband came from a home of very modest means but well educated. he has a PhD in Engineering. He is an only child but spent his first seven years in his grandmother’s home with his parents and an orphaned female cousin (Depression era). He was surrounded by a very close knit family of aunts, uncles, and cousins. They all went to the same school and church together, gathered together often, and lived by the Golden Rule. I was born and raised in the South too, in very much the same way. The difference being iI lived in a much larger city and I am the youngest of three siblings, We have lost our parents and both of my siblings. My mother and siblings died within the past three years. There never was going to be a way for all of this to turn out well. . When the ex wife retired she had nothing left to do but focus on her children and our grandchildren. We do not understand her and never will. We should not have to. But we have been forced to live with the consequences of her behavior and the influence she has over her daughters and the grandchildren. We have not heard from our children and grandchildren in five years. For many years, while the ex was emplyed, we were in contact continuously, very happily involved. We lived n the same town with the ex and one daughter and her family, the other an hour away up untl Christmas of 2019.. In the beginning I thought it would be good for my husband’s ex and I to have a courteous relationship in order to manage the girls activities and stop the obvious and normal game playing children of divorce do to get what they want. I found out quickly that was never going to happen. I love my step daughters and grandchildren. so I did the best I could. But no matter what I did, I stepped on the ex wife’s toes, Multiply thar by two girls who were starved for what their mother could or would not give them for most of their lives. We got tired of being hurt by these two daughters and their mother. They abandoned us over a flurry of insane activy involving a divorced stepdaughter. She divorced her husband of 21 years in record time. They had accrued a lot of property, lived in a million dollare home. My stepdaughter drove a new Mercedes Benz. Six weeks after the divorce was finalized she got involved with a man who did not make enough money to pay his $350 rent and borrowed money from her. He lived in a hovel, with barely any decent furnishings, his clothing piled waist high in the corners of the room he slept in. He did not even empty his mailbox of junk mail. Instead he let it spill onto the ground and carved a niche out of what was packed into the box. He spent his days hanging out in a cafe, his nights in a bar, surrounded by women half his age. At nearly 50 years old he had nothing to show for his existence other than a short lived marriage that produced no children. He has a Bachelor’s degree in History. When my stepdaughter brought him to meet us he was dirty, unshaven, disrespectful, and talked only about beer and his mutt dogs. All of our red flags went up and have stayed up since. He has never done anuthing to change the first impression we had of him. He has only made it worse. My stepdaughter moved him in on top of her children, devastated by a divorce they were too young to understand or see coming. At some point thay went to the courthouse and got married. We do not know when. They had a coming out party in my stepdaughter’s home, calling it a Christmas party. We were traveling and unable to attend. When we learned of the marriage we were shocked. My stepdaughter had never spoken well of this man to us. She swore to us she had no plans of getting married. But when we reacted the way we did she flew into a rage. This was the beginning of the end. She was estranged from her mother who had desperately been trying to win her daughter back. Suddenly the perfect opportunity arose. Her mother fully embraced this creature my stepdaughter married. Thus began the campaign against us. Cruelty began first, hen alienation. we were so very naive about what was going on. Mockery and amusement at our bewilderment was constant. Then alienation when I confronted my stepdaughters’ behavior. All of this took too much out of us, We spent one last holiday season alone, surrounded by family, and two days later moved from our home of over 40 years. it is not easy beginning a new life at our ages but is so much better than how we were living. We love where we live no, which is on the opposite side of the continent from all of the pain and insanity. If the damage done does not cause us to lose our lives sooner than later then we have a chance at happiness again.

You know, the more research and blogs I go on regarding the topic of being a step-parent (to children of divorce), the more I think Dr. Laura was right. Dr. Laura said that divorced parents should not remarry (nor even really date) until their children are out of the home. Just seems to me that whomever the divorced parent remarries or gets involved with, winds up paying a high price for someone else’s divorce. When you marry someone, you are to be connected at the hip, so to speak. Sometimes this works where the step-children (adult or not) recognize dad or mom’s new spouse. But, usually the step-mom, for example, winds up a) having much responsibility for these children with no recognized authority, and b) becoming the scapegoat simply because it is much easier to go after step-mom, a non-relative than going after a relative, blood. AND, I’ve come to understand that there are some with children who even think that when they remarry, their spouse somehow magically agreed to be put in that position! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read something like, “Oh, well you knew so and so had children, so now that they are breaking your heart and trashing your home and making your life a hell, you have to put up with it.” Sorry! If anyone expected that when they married someone with children, then there would be no remarriages period. Which brings me back to my original thought. Maybe Dr. Laura was right. Divorced parents should not remarry (nor even really date) until their children are out of the home. (Sure, there can be problems with adult step-children too, but if one thing, disengagement is easier with adults.} Seems like two people can’t stand each other, get divorced, and the ones to pay the heaviest prices are their children and the people they go on to remarry. Very selfish of these divorced parents, in some ways I think.

The weekend wasn't as horrible as I thought it would have been... To reply first to the comment about a mental disorder for the child... I do not claim to have any psychological degree however I am too leaning more towards that as a possibility... I think she has ADHD, many people have actually asked me that when they meet her and spend time with her which it also runs in the family... But as the story goes, she is not mine and I have zero say so that is left for Dad and Mom to figure out. This past weekend went less hectic than I thought it would be. Dad took her out for the majority of sunday, and saturday we had an engagement party while she went to her cousins birthday.... She still has trouble listening to me and having dad around disciplining her has been working oddly enough. He actually listened to my wishes and was enforcing rules all weekend and she responded very well... But I will be taking more time for myself and for my family and friends in the future when he has her. After all she is there to see him. To answer your question ...which sounds bad but .. I believe that he sometimes is at a loss for what to do as the parent. He lived at home with his mother for some time and conveniently Nana did most of the work regarding his daughter or he took her out places etc which takes the pressure and focus off of him having to think and have full responsibility for keeping her in line. Not to be mistaken with it being bad he has her out, i think its great. I am just saying it's a change to have to actually teach her life skills and make a schedule that is healthy for her. And men of course will try to give you all the work they would rather not do... Also his mother (my mother in law to be) texted me saying that when she was dropping his daughter off she told her Nana how much she loves me because I take such good care of her, and always give her a lot of love, and cook for her. She says she told her Bio mom this as well.. That made me feel good for the sacrificing I do (as we all know we always sacrifice for the kids sake)... I'm glad at 7 she actually notices the things I do, and I hope our relationship turns out to be one that works for us... whether conventional and traditional or not... I do want what is best for her, its SO hard to watch her life unfold because I can see all the things she has to go through and I know what it is like for a young girl. Dad will be keeping the guidelines or the rules of the house in order. And as much as we can keep her on a good schedule because she seems to actually like that. Her life at moms is very 'all over the place' for lack of a better saying.... Dad asked bio mom if he paid for an extra-curricular activity if she would take the daughter to it and bio mom flat out said nope... This made me very sad for the little one especially for her future. Anyway I am staying positive and continuing my 'step mom' position of overlooking everything and having absolutely no say over it lol! feels like we are ghosts sometimes although we wish we could help right? And I do agree sometimes they need discipline... Moreso structure and guidelines I think thats a parent's huge job to getting the child ready for their life in the big world =)...Of course we also has lots of fun.. I bought all the stuff to make cupcakes and she helped me make them sunday to send to dads work for all the guys.. Good turn out! She had a lot of fun and even wore an apron haha! good pictures we took...

agree with coleen. there was this story on parents forum. This one lady posted her story as estranged parent and how her DIL treated her poorly and that's why she does not talk to her son or somehting of the sort. It did sound like a real story. But people made suggestions to her that she might be too harsh on her DIL and her son, so she should try to treat them nice because they sure cannot be as evil as she decsribed. She got upset and dissapeared. But then as time passed some newly registered member posted a thread about her MIL, in this thread this "young lady" was telling the same story but now from a position of DIL. and she portrayed herself as selfish and mean DIL. Now everybody is yelling and screaming: how dare you be so mean to your MIL, you are so evil and selfish. As time passed though it turned out that that same original poster (MIL) created a new name and decided to impersonate evil DIL as to convince everybody that DIL trully is evil. When it was uncovered both posters (or actually one under 2 names)dissapeared. So people do bizzare stuff to prove the point or waste everybody's time. On the other hand it is OK to discuss hypothetical situation with the wedding or with whatever else even if it is made up. Who cares if it is real, it is not like it makes a difference for us, right? The only difference is that with real story people can provide clarifications and true details to help with discussion but in made up stories we don't have that.