Hello,welcome.

About your son...dragging him along I think would be a bad idea.Legally,the age of consent for a child to decide what parent they want to live with is 13.You should just let him go...if he doesnt like it with his dad,believe me,he will want to come move back in with you.

The affection thing kinda made me laugh.My own daughter does that anytime me and her dad do anything too.If she sees him kiss me she says,"EW GROSS!" or if we are hugging,it's "You guys are weird!"
So maybe it is just an age thing.My husband always replys smartly to our daughter,
"How do you think you got here?"
and she'll say,"EW!" again,and we'll all laugh.

Maybe it would help if you told them it is ok for a man and woman to act like this when they are in love.Or tell them one day they feel this way about someone too.

I think everything will be fine,and I wish you luck!

Tread very slowly here. My advice would be to have a counselor "coach" you through some of this, with the move involved, and what you should or should not require of your 14 year old son...because there is waaayyyy too much at stake here. What you do now could affect your son and your relationship with your son for years to come. Take it slowly, and have professional guidance as you make these changes.

And in your situation, I would be careful of the public display of affection. I was at a parade, and this couple was with two children. They were heavily making out throughout the parade. It finally hit me that this was not dad and mom, but dad and his girlfriend. The children were clearly uncomfortable. The couple did not interact with the children during the entire parade, they were so into each other. I could not believe how completely unconscious this dad was towards his own children, and what they must have been feeling watching their dad in this heavy make out session. I imagine that these two idiots took the kids back to mom's house, thinking that they had done something grand for these children, taking them to a parade and all. Oblivious to the pain and discomfort they caused. Mom probably asked if they had a good time, and I imagine that they didn't. I also imagine that dad is totally clueless why his kids do not want to see him, and blame the ex-wife for poisoning them. The girlfriend/new wife probably wonders why the kids do not respect her/like her. The two of them are clueless to the effect of their own behavior around these children. This probably needs its own post. And I did read where you mentioned that you two behave. I am just mentioning it for other readers.

stressedmom,
I honestly don't want to be rude and impolite, but can you just please tell me why you are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooomuch in a rush to marry and to go through all these changes when you have met this man for only a year!

What is the rush honey bun?

Think about it. If you think things are difficult now with your 14 year old child and your new boyfriend, you have not seen anything yet!

Why don't you just wait a while before marrying and noving your entire family away. Why don't you continue seeing this man for awhile so that you and your son and all your children can get to know him better.

Obviously, your children are having a little bit of trouble accepting this new man in your life by the reactions they have when he shows you affection. They are not comfortable with him doing this because they don't know him!!! A year is a very very short period of time when you think about it and plus its not like you were with him every single day. This is a long distance relationship! You got out of the last year what you both put in it. That is lust, love, and all the other wonderful and beautiful things that arrive when you first meet someone.

Don't you see that your 14 yrs old son would rather live anywhere but where you two are planning to live! Maybe in a year when he gets to know your boyfriend better, your son will be more than happy to move in with all of you guys but for now, if you go on with your plans of moving and marrying, aren't you truly afraid you will lose your son or at least cause him a lot of pain because you want to move away and get married?

Personally i wouldnt move unless i dated a bit longer. Its a big thing to move yourself and 4 kids. I would wait a bit longer. Take your time with the move itself.
For the affection....nothing wrong there:) Its an age thing. My husbands daughter would tell us sometimes ' get a room' or just go 'eeeeeeeeeuhwwwww'..lol.. We weren't groping either. Just a peck here or a shoulder massage.
Now after the birth of my son, she wants a baby sister and asks us ' when will you sex it up again' HEHEHAHAHA..
As for your son. Send him to his father. At that age, boys want their father and that connection. He has stated your boyfriend is not bad but he doesn't want that closeness with him. By moving, you are forcing it on him. The other kids may not mind, but he is older and does. Respect him. Send him to his dads. You never know. He may turn around and not likehis dad and want to come to you later on. When he is ready he will come.
The distance here is the issue and you cannot help feeling forced because when you all move it a final thing and he's got no where to go. He'll be stuck. So its fear as well.
Why cause trouble. Send him to his dad. There is nothing wrong with that.

I wonder if you send him to his dad's, that it will feel like you abandoned him for your new boyfriend. Perhaps you could hang around for 6 months after your son goes to his fathers, to make sure that he adjusts OK to living separately and away from you. Keep in mind, that for this man that you only know long distance, that the price is high for both you and your son. These very important years where you should be guiding him into adulthood, you will instead be forming a new life with your boyfriend, and gone. I do not know whether your ex-husband has remarried, but if he has, I would imagine that there will be problems between this woman and your son...with the attitude. She may not be at all happy to have your son move in with her, and may be critical of everything he does...and if you have read this forum, you should be very clear about how so many of these women feel about their "husbands kids". Perhaps that is why your ex has not seen much of the kids. Perhaps the woman in his life gets really upset when they are around.

I do not envy your position. You found someone you love and get along with, but who will pay the price? Your son? These are such important years, where things can go very wrong. Tread carefully, and get some professional advice to walk you through this as best as you can. You may find if you go, that phone conversations etc. become very difficult between you two. That he will be hurt that you actually moved away from him, even if it is his choice. he may want to punish you by not talking to you. Hang in there and just keep talking and keeping the line of communication open. I would still be slow to marry in case you find that it isn't working and you need to move back to the town you are living in now, where your son lives.

There's no way I'd move 4 children across the country away from their father. No way, no how.

I think that you have bigger problems than public displays of affection. I don't think that your children are even close to being ready for their mother to marry another man. You might want to concentrate on them for the time being instead of worrying about getting married and moving.

I am short on time right now and will respond to all your comments later. For now I would like to make it clear to Vivian31 that their father moved 4 states away last year. He is not in their life at all and for the most part talks to them maybe once a month if that. I would not be moving them away from their father at all. He is not really even in the picture.

The other point I would like to make is that no matter where I move to..we do have to move. My home is on 20 acres of land and I can not do the up keep on it. It is just way too much to handle. I am doing some finishing touches on the house and ready to put it on the market. This was the plan long ago before Max even entered into the picture. I had just not decided exactly where we were going to relocate to. I happened to get offered a job transfer not far from where Max lives and would have most likely taken the job even if we never met. Just so happens it is very close to where he lives. Making it easier for the kids to get to know him more and spend more time with him before we do get married. And no I am not moving there to move in with him either. I will be getting my own place until we do marry.

I hope that may clear up some of the unmentioned details from my initial post.

Got to run. Thanks to all for your input. Will reply more later..

If his father cares so little that he talks to them only once a month, I can't imagine that his home would be a good place to send a child.

You said that you were planning to move this coming summer, and also that you planned to marry this year. That doesn't seem to leave much time for the kids to get to know him - only about six months, maximum. It is stressful enough for chlldren to go through a move across the country and into a completely different type of environment, assuming you will be living on a lot rather than acreage; they have already gone through your divorce - the last thing they need is to be rushed into a stepfather situation.

So what you're saying is that basically their father abandoned the children. Pitiful.

Now mom has a new boyfriend and we have to give up all of our friends, neighbors, everyone we know and move across the country with some guy we don't even know.

Sounds like fear to me. Dad abandoned them and now mom's abandoning them for a new man. That's a LOT for any kids to take.

You may have to sell the house, but I would be extremely hesitant to take them away from what support structure they know.

stressedmom,

Thank you for your reply....it certainly clears certain things up...but still...and believe me,stressedmom, i am not trying to be rude and mean to you.

All I can say is that sometimes love makes us do things that are difficult to comprend. I understand your need and your want as a woman to have someone in your life and you are entitled to that except why do you want to make such a big committment towards this man when in fact you hardly know him!!! You may think you know him....

Thank the lord you are not planning to live with Max as soon as you move nearer to him because of your new job. Can you imagine the stress you would be living if you did decide to move in right away with him and your three children. New job, new house, all the expenses from the move, kids having to make new friends, you having to adjust to the fact that your 14 year old son is no longer with you or under your responsibility, etc. etc. etc.

Have you and Max and the children discussed how long it would be before you all moved in together?

Let's say you were 14 yrs old and your dad would meet a new woman and they decided to get married and because you would resent this situation, you would decide to go live with your mother whom you hardly talk to or at least very seldom? How would you feel, honestly?

I know its your life and your children have to understand that,but come on stressedmom, your son is at an age where he really, really needs you and now you are slowly, slowly slipping away from him and in his heart he know's this.

When you sell the house, isn't there any way you can just find a nice little place in the same area where you and all your children can stay for now, forget the other job, continue seeing Max the same way you guys are doing now, taht is through a long distance relationship, continue discovering each other, see how you resolve obstacles together, see how you discuss finances together etc. etc. etc. before you and your children have to go through all these changes.

Do you really, really, really need to take that new job away from where you and your children are living now?

Keep posting.

Dear Stressed Mom,
I did the same thing you are contemplating - moved my children to be with my to be husband before we got married. We moved in initially with him when we relocated. It didn't work out. We both have children. So, I moved out and got my own place for a while. We got counseling for all the children and us. It helped alot. Jumping in too soon was our mistake. I can say now, 8 years later with 5 years of marriage under our belts, that it takes time for the kids to adjust and accept your new mate. We all have the rose colored glasses on when we are in love. But the kids don't. Take your time, get your own place for a while and date locally. You will also have time to plan a wedding that will be happy and memorable for your whole new family. You didn't mention if he has kids too. If so, they will need time to adjust to you too. I think you will enjoy having your own place for a while too. There is something special about your very own place with "your" rules and priorities. I know even now I think back fondly of the place we had. Spend some time with your oldest son and try to find out what he is objecting to. It may take time to fully articulate his reasons. Most of all I bet it is CHANGE that he is digging in his heals against. It is the mourning of the past. If he goes along with this it means to him that he is accepting that your old family is over. That is hard. Sounds like his dad has given it up already and that has hurt him. Patience. Good things are worth waiting for. Mr. Max won't go anywhere. It will also give you 2 time to figure out how to successfully run your home with your new family and all the issues that go along with blended families. If Mr. Max is going to be a good step dad, he will understand this. How does he feel about your son? You haven't really adressed that.
To the mushy stuff. I just had a conversation with my daughter about birth control. We were discussing how difficult it was for me to think about her needing it. I told her I was imagining her having sex with her boyfriend and she should imagine me having sex with her step dad. Both of us said "EEWWWW"!!!! That approach may work for you too in your situation.
Good luck and have patience. I will all work out in the end.

I suggest you ask your son if he can clear his schedule for an evening, get somebody to watch your other kids and take him to his favorite restaurant. Then sit down with him and explain how you feel this would be a good move for your whole family. I doubt if your son wants you to be lonely or not to have somebody for support. Explain to him that Max is somebody who you feel will be good not only to you, but also to him and his siblings. Ask him how HE thinks you should proceed based on all of the things you mentioned above, ie. selling the home, the new job, boyfriend, etc. Let him know that his feelings and his opinions are important to you. Tell him that if he tries things out for a period of time, say 3 months, and if he is totally unhappy after giving it a real shot, then you will consider letting him go live with his dad, but let him know how much you want him with you.

Tell him that if he has concerns about your boyfriend that you want him to voice those concerns to you.

I also suggest that you move at a time in which the kids will be going straight into school, such as right before summer break is over, or very soon, before summer break begins. This way they will have time to make new friends and they won't be twiddling their thumbs all summer long, bored, with no friends to run around with.

Just make sure you keep the lines of communications open and let him know how important he is to you.

Good Luck!

I'd be willing to bet that at this point there would be no "civil" conversation between a mother and her 14 y/o son that would involve another man and a move across country, new job or not. Your son probably thinks this move would have nothing to do with the job, and everything to do with the boyfriend. I think I would play it cool for awhile, not mentioning the boyfriend in any conversation that would deal with moving and all the new places you all can go. Poke around on the internet and find COOL places around your new area and leave those pages open for your son to see. Discuss those places with your other children, never mentioning the boyfriend.
New schools, new friends can be traumatic for kids and those hormones don't make it any easier!

About your son's father... this is a man that talked down to his wife, was manipulative and distant.. is this the person that should raise a boy in his informative years into manhood? Would he be disciplined and made to go to school? Would he be loved and nurtured? His father is familiar territory and easier to digest than a strange man that's putting the moves on mom. But a move to dad's like that could be worse without mom to soften the transitions.

Do you guys go to church? At your son's age it will be important for him to find friends in a good atmosphere. Just remember these are the years kids find it easy to get into trouble and if he struggles with the move he could make the wrong friends out of rebellion, or simply to fit in. It's easy to fit in with the wrong crowd.

I'm not even going to say anything about son's disrespectful attitude because it's so common in those teenage years and I have a hard enough time trying to deal with my own 14 y/o daughter in that area! :)

Good luck in whatever you do and please put the boyfriend's interest second to the kids.

moonie, I couldn't disagree more when you say "I'd be willing to bet that at this point there would be no "civil" conversation between a mother and her 14 y/o son that would involve another man and a move across country, new job or not."

When I was 15, my mom made a decision to move us (her and I) in with her new boyfriend into a house he was building. I didn't really want it to happen and feared that we would be living in his house and under his rules...which did happen by the way. But what hurt me most about it was that she didn't really discuss it with me. She avoided the conversation because she knew I wouldn't be pleased and that was the worst thing she could've done. Even his kids who lived in another state knew that this was going to happen before I did, and I was the only one who was affected by it.

I don't hold it against her now or anything. I adore my mom. But at the time, the thing that really bothered me the most about it was the fact that she didn't talk to me about it and made that decision without asking for my input.

raek - really do hope stressedmom and her son can talk this out. I was just thinking of my own as teenagers... and once they dug their heels in there was no discussion... they were by then defensive and headstrong. My only saving grace was when it came down to it, they did what I expected... just weren't quiet about it. I do wish them all the best, though.

BTW, did you come to terms with the new boyfriend?

moonie,

I did come to terms in a way...Things changed between him and my mom when they moved in together. Before they moved in he took her out a bunch, they went on a couple of trips, etc. As soon as they moved in, he stopped courting her. He became controling and she became unhappy in the relationship. We only stayed there for about 2 years before she grew tired of the relationship and we moved out. That is when we moved across the country. I was on board with going, but it was still a rough adjustment for me. I was 17 by that time and had just finished high school. I finished a semester early, so I was just planning to work until August and start college with the rest of my classmates. The move was hard for me because I was no longer in school, so I didn't have a way to connect to my peers. It was a lonely time for me and took a while to adjust. This is why I suggested that stressedmom move at a time when the kids will be going straight into school, so they don't have to deal with not having anybody to connect with.

I was never against the relationship with my mom and her boyfriend, I was just so used to it being just the 2 of us and living by my mom's rules alone. With him I wasn't allowed to have my friends over very often. He always went to bed very early in the evening, and the master bedroom was next to the living room, so it made it impossible to entertain when he would get angry if there was much noise like the TV or talking after about 8:30 pm. That was the part I didn't like, but all in all, I got along with him alright. I just wanted my mom to be happy and I was warry that this wasn't the right guy for her.

When I was a teenager, I just had a need to be included in decisions that involved and affected me. In the end though, I knew that I could always trust my mom to use her heart and although she didn't always make the best decisions, I know that she always had my best interest at heart. It has occured to me since then that part of my reluctance about moving in with him had to do with the problems I was going through with my dad and his girlfriend. He ended up married to her, and she has never been much of anything, but hateful to me. It's hard to trust the mate of a parent when you are going through hard times with another parent.

A little note to stressedmom, do you think it would help if you told your son that if he gave it a shot and if he worked hard in school next year that you will buy him a plane ticket to come back home for a week or 2 over the summer and stay with his best friend back home? This way he doesn't have to feel as if he will be completely losing touch.

Hi All!

Sorry I have not responded to you all. Actually, things have turned around since I posted this topic. As I stated in the first post my boyfriend was coming out for a visit. Things went well (better than expected) in the begining. Then they went south for a few days and then better again. Very long story there. Anyway, my son actually ended up talking a lot with him and they actually had a very good time together. Two days before the visit ended we ended up buying a home just 45 minutes from where we now live. Max decided to give up his job and take early retirement. I will be staying with my company here and not transfer out to the other position. The kids will remain close enough to our town for weekend visitis with friends and also be closer to their grandparents for visits. I must say that all your advise was greatly appreciated and taken to heart. Looks like now things have moved in a different direction and everyone involved, kids, Max, myself & grandparents, are all happy with the decision made. Things have worked out for the best and with time, patients & much prayer things are looking up and I don't feel like "stressedmom" at the moment. I'm sure there will be bumps in the road ahead but with the way the visit went and the progress made with Max and my son, I am feeling much better! Again, thank you all so much for all your time and input. I'm sure I'll be asking more in the future :)