Of the 4 kids, with the 3yo a bit too young to do anything but pick cherry tomatoes, only the 9yo has any interest in the garden. But the teens do their share of the work without too much grumbling. That same kid, who is nearly 18, asked my why he has to do the hardest stuff. I told him that it was because he can. His dad is too busy working, I have a bad shoulder, and his sister is too small. He grumbles a little, but he does a good and conscientious job. And I guess he must be learning a bit regardless of his interest or he wouldn't have thought to gather the worms. :-)

Hi there, and welcome! Hope you will get some good advice here. Like Justmetoo said, some more background info would be good. But with the info we've got so far I think you shouldn't split up with your fiancee because of his son. Clearly the boy is having a hard time with it, which makes it difficult for everyone, but if you 2 are happy together then I don't see that as a reason to end it. Unless of course your unhappiness with the situation is bigger then your happiness with your fiancee (FDH = Future Dear Husband). How does your FDH interact with him? Would it be possible for the two of them to sit down and have a talk? You could go over it with your FDH and discuss what message you'd like to get across to his son. -For example that you understand how hard this is for him, and that you respect it that he'll need time and space which you want to give him. Nobody is going to force him to play happy family and you are not trying to take over as a mum. -Has your FDH expressed understanding towards his son? I think it is very important that his son feels validated, rather then that his feelings are dismissed or disapproved (I'm not saying that that is happening of course!). Your FDH could tell him that he understands how his son wishes things were different, and that it must be very hard on him. He's been put in a situation that he's had no control over and that's difficult for anyone. However FDH is very happy with you and he wants to move on, ending the relationship because son is unhappy about it would not be the right solution. But maybe they can find a compromise: a way of dealing that everyone can live with. Something like: son will be given time and space when he needs it; so son can stay in his room after school and at night if he chooses to, but he will have to sit at the table for dinner with the rest of you. And normal politeness has to be non-negotiable. By making a compromise you are trying to give him some control over the situation back, I think he needs that. Just like the validation of his feelings. If he feels that his dad wants him to 'snap out of it' (again, not saying this is you guys!) then he'll just become more stubborn in holding onto it and more resentful. Your FDH could ask his son to have a think about other ways of finding a compromise (I'm only aware of him wanting to stay in his room), what is important to son? Get his opinion and get him involved in trying to create a better situation for all of you. Or would it be possible to have this kind of talk as a family talk? Have you tried talking to him yourself? Is this an option? You could all do a brain storm session to try and find new ways to all get along. And how about some small and simple ways of trying to make him feel needed/appreciated: the littlest things (like asking him to open a jar for you when you're cooking and FDH is not home yet) could help in slowly creating a bit better bond or some mutual acceptance. During dinner try and get him talking about his day; show an interest in his life and see if you can crack a joke. There's nothing like sharing a laugh to break the ice.

My personal opinion even my husbands after reading this, is this guy should have waited to get a full divorce before heading into another relationship. Another thing, he should not be "sneaking you in" in any way. His daughter is 18 and waaaaaay old enough take the news as an adult. This man is old enough to stand his ground and should take a stand with his daughter. But i'll be honest with you. Both his daughter and him are not ready. Most important is that this man is not ready. He must change the fact that he is afraid of his daughter. And take a stand. I think you should step back a bit. But if you continue to see him , speak about ground rules. You dont have to meet his daughter. You are both old enough and your life is not dictated by his girl. She is old enough and from her reaction she can take care of herself. She needs to respect her father and his decisions. She will come around. BUt dont' bother at this point meeting her. That's not important. Your relationship with him comes first. Not her. She is not a child of 8 to be concerned about. And to be honest again, an 18 year old reacting like that sounds like she has BIG issues. And i'm sure there is more to this. In the end. Its too early for this man to make a commitment to you. He must get his head straight. His daughter has unresolved issues. You dont want to get involved at this point. My husband waited 2 1/2 years to be with someone...and with good reason.

Emotionally it could be, like FD says, that she has always wanted MORE of a relationship, so I'd ask BF if he thinks that's the case. Has she been pining away for him during the past two years? How long have you and BF been together? I have to ask: were you dating BF when he had this one-night stand with her? Was she hoping he'd dump you for her? (I highly doubt this last scenario is how it went, but if so it would shed light and wouldn't say much good for her motivations.) As for financial, she may be worried that he will stop helping with expenses when there is someone else in the picture (you), which will of course change in some ways but not entirely. In all reality, whether BF is with you or not, he is still going to be obligated to pay child support and to help out financially with SOME of his son's expenses on top of it, which BF will help with unless he is a deadbeat. He should reassure her that he will always do his part to make sure their son is adequately and FAIRLY provided for, and hopefully this will allay some of her fears. While I hope the days of buying her big-ticket items and paying her debts are over, if it is an expense that is directly relevant to the welfare of their child (and heck, a car is arguably one of those expenses if it is her only car)*** then he is likely to continue to contribute *something* in certain cases. His contributions will at least continue to be a very delicate and controversial issue between all of you, whether money is actually paid out or not, and that alone is worth considering. Remember, $ is the top reason relationships end so it's always going to SOMEHOW be an issue, especially in blended families. And depending on where you live (b/c I think it varies but someone correct me if I'm wrong), if you have additional kids with him, the CS will not necessarily reduce because of that. And every year kids are alive, they get more expensive. So I don't see the financial outlook changing that much in dollars and cents, except for getting, all around, more expensive. In a wierd way, just being aware of that should make all of you more at ease with the ievitability of the situation. It is an issue everyone has to accept regardless. As for how much control she has over how much you are around and whether or not BF marries you, she just doesn't have that control. If she did, it would be called a "relationship" they are in, which they are not. It might be rough on her emotionally, and I think it's wonderful that you have the empathy for her situation and I agree that kindness doesn't hurt anything, but at the end of the day she can't control or prevent the relationship between you and BF. I would do what you've already thought about, making sure father & son get some alone time, and I would not push myself onto the scene with her until she is ready. It is very sad and difficult, but hopefully she will ---like all of us have had to at some point in our lives--- go on to recover from the breakup and be happy with or without another guy (but of course without your BF!) [***= I am no expert on child support and how most courts/agreements view custodial parent's cars as a child-rearing expense, so somebody with more experience in this area than me should speak up about that]