How about daughter giving you a timeframe for when she can move out on her own.Hold her to it.Your husband will then lighten up on her and be happy once she goes.Its getting on his nerves that a grown woman has to live with mommy and daddy again.I don't blame him for not wanting her boyfriend to sleep over.If he is not a loser then why can't they get a place together and play house themselves instead of at mommy and daddys.

Could he feel that her moving back is an intrusion on your relationship with him... he had you all to himself and now "She's back!"

Even if he loves her or has had a good relationship with her, I think guys can think differently about it than women... we go through empty nest syndrome... they feel like they finally have their house back or their wife to themselves. (that doesn't mean they don't love them, but they don't always 'feel' the way women do... of course some dads do, so don't jump me because I am not saying ALL dads feel that way.. this is just a theory)

As for his comments... could be trying to make it difficult/uncomfortable for her so she will not want to stay... could be that he feels uncomfortable with the idea of his daughter growing up and doing what women do... etc.

The only way you are going to find out is by talking to him and listening to what he says about it. I have a son that went off & married a girl with problems, made a baby & joined the army so now he's gone & I am faced with taking in a baby (to protect him) but it's an adjustment that has had it's ups & downs because my husband and I agreed before we got married that we didn't want to have children of our own & having a baby in the house is very disruptive to our sleep sometimes & affects everything from finances to our sex life. I'm sure having a grown child move back may have some of that effect on your household as well. That's just my 2 cents.

I know from experience that it is hard having any other adult live with you. I had an adult sister living with us. She wanted to have her boyfriend sleep over. My husband was having a hissy about it. His point was good though. If we made it too comfy for her here she would never leave! If we kept rules strict then she would stay as long as she had to and WANT to get out on her own again. It did work for us. Is it possible that down deep how your hubby feels?

I think your daughter is old enough to get her own place to have private situations with said bf. I think your dh will relax after she is gone. Its not the rent. You guys have a life together. She is old enough to be on her own and her mere presence is irritating. Its another adult inthe house and it an intrusion. I love my brother , but when he moved back...after a while i bumped heads with him too. He's in my space.
And your dh feels you are choosing them over him and you married him not yoru daughter. I think its for the best for your relationship and all for your daughter to move out.
ANd having a bf sleep over at this age...uh...his house...its uncomfortable knowing that another couple may have intimate situations under your household.

not a good role model to what other people?

This doesn't make sense at all:

A grown, married man doesn't throw temper tantrums & act jealous & say "they can't do x, y, or z", & "BF is a loser".

He says to his wife, "I don't like this. I enjoyed our life together as a couple. How can we get them to commit to a move-out date without being horse's patooties?"

If it were my life/daughter/husband/household, I'd say to him, "What's the real problem here?-& don't try to BS me."

Not entirely sure from your posting whether or not your husband really is being unreasonable or is jealous. He sounds exactly like my BF... except my BFs own 24 year old daughter (with her toddler son) is the one living with him. His 25 y/o son also lived with him for about a year as a boomerang adult.

He complains all the time! He complains about his daughter. He complains about his son. Sometimes, he even complains about his grandson, whom he absolutely adores. He does not allow daughter's boyfriend, and did not allow son's girlfriend, to sleep over. I, however, am allowed to spend the night whenever we want. Hey, his house, his rules. But, like I said, they are his kids, and he is the one who made the decision to let them move in, he is the one who decides what rules to give them, and he doesn't have to worry about disagreeing with their mother or anyone else over those rules. And I am not their mother, so when he complains about them, I am not upset and don't feel any need to defend them. He can blow off as much steam as he wants, whenever he wants.

His comment about you choosing them over him may be more that he doesn't feel like he's getting an equal say in the decision for her to live there (or maybe in reality didn't get an equal say). Or if your response to any complaints is to automatically defend your daughter, that may also feel to him like choosing them over him, or dismissing his feelings or opinions.

Not a good role model? Who are they the role models for? If you had minor children in the house, possibly, but if you and your husband are the only other people in the household, it's unlikely that you will be changing your behaviour for the worse because an unmarried couple is there. And as far as being uncomfortable about other people in the house being intimate, nice people don't speculate about what goes on behind closed doors. Assume they're just sleeping (even though you know they probably aren't). You don't think about what's going on when other people go into your bathroom, do you?
>>He tells me that I have made my choice to choose them over himI also agree you should be encouraging your daughter to move into her own home- whether with her BF or on her own.

Why should she encourage her daughter to move out? I think the issue is way past involving the daughter - it is now about a grown man acting like a child. Hmmm, your husband's name isn't Thurman is it??!!!

I mainly think it wise to encourage her daughter to move out not because of the husband but because I think adult children need to learn to stand on their own two feet if possible. I don't think it does them any favours to discourage them from "launching" -Mom and Dad aren't going to be around forever to pick up the pieces every time something falls apart.

I agree about the potential for failure to launch. I guess I'm stuck on the principle of the matter - DH throws a fit, acts like a child and then gets his way about it if DW asks her daughter to leave. Geez, I just think that sounds so horrible to "ask the daughter to leave" because Hubby's reverted back to being a two year old...

>>Geez, I just think that sounds so horrible to "ask the daughter to leave" because Hubby's reverted back to being a two year old...I din't say that and I didn't mean to imply it. They are seaparate issues and both need to be addressed. In my first reply I did say DH needs to be sorted out and told to stop behaving like a little kiddie chucking a tanty. He needs to grow up and accept that DD is going to be there for a while while she gets her act together. Then I said DD needs to be encouraged to get her act together. I didn't suggest a time frame, or that DD needs to move immediately to keep the peace because childish DH can't/won't.

Colleen, in no way were my comments necessarily directed at you (except for the agreeing part). You don't need to explain and/or defend yourself to me - I understand what you're saying. I just have a hard time with awarding a grown man for acting like a child. For some reason I feel unreasonably angry at this man!!!!!!

"My husband has raised my daughter since she was 7." Hasn't he then earned the right to not like her boyfriend? doesn't matter why, Dads can be strange that way.

"Since she has moved back they are always butting heads" Probably typical of adult children living at home, chances are they are similar in alot of ways. (normally it's all the bad habits like stubborness, hotheadedness)

"He won't let them sleep together in our home."
Okay I know it's 2010 but understand he raised her that makes her his little girl as much as yours. I'm 31 been married for 10years and my Dad still has issues with this. I respect that. It is his home, he should not have to be uncomfortable or compromise his values.

Also everyone keeps mentioning tempor tantrums, did I miss that post?? (I'm actually asking not being sarcastic) I see where OP says he has gotten HER so angry that she feels like he's pushing her away.

All in all there is too much information missing to really help out in this situation. For example: Why does he think the boyfriend is a loser? Maybe he has picked up on something you haven't... Or what are the things he's complaining about on the SD? I mean is it trivial things like she ate all the cheerios or is it like she comes in all hours of the night waking him up type of stuff?

The biggest question here is why are you not backing up your spouse here? (unless of course there is more than what was posted.) What he is asking for is not unreasonable. He want's respect in his home and he shouldn't be expected to compromise his values just because she has moved home. How is that stupid and or childish? Has society slid that far that we are expected to let our children bring home any partner they choose and lay with them in our homes?? If so at what age is it appropriate? To me it is a matter of values, while it may not bother some I do not find it childish nor stupid to maintain values in HIS home.