He doesn't belong on your "to-do" list (in fact, neither does his sister; as long as she has a mother & a father, you don't aren't entitled to even think about 'shaping' her), & his paternity is not your concern.

"considering he just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of his family leads us all to suspicion which may have a subconscious element to play on my ability to get with him"

a "subconscious element" indeed;
your attitude is downright blatant.

You sound like somebody this kid doesn't need in his life.

You might try to learn some humility & some let some generosity, compassion, & love into your heart.

I don't know anybody on this forum who is VICOIUS about their steps, and nobody's stepchildren are TREACHEROUS. I agree with sylvia your attitude is very negative, and your stepson does not need it, he is only 7, and what a great excuse for mistreating a child: he doesn't look like my husband.

Interesting, Let me explain that the term "to do list" was used in jest, where these forms of communication don't always pick clearly up on. Sylvia, I find it interesting that you feel I don't have any entitlement to think about "shaping" them yet I would say to you, all persons that have a regular influence on a child helps to shape them for example; teachers, scout leaders, even the commercials on T.V.
Yes my attitude is blatant, and the gritty honesty I put forth helps me resolve an issue I am struggling with or else I wouldn't be here having this back and forth with a judgmental stranger.
I certainly do have a part to play in their lives and all would say for the better as you aren't seeing what goes on in the day to day life I have with them, what I am putting out here on this forum is my deepest inner thoughts, fears, concerns and honestly I am sure it is difficult for anyone to really understand as there isn't enough room to write it all down.
You also are not going to make me feel guilty for not liking his personality very much as I am entitled to like or dislike people old, young or in between. Would you think ugly of someone that disliked their own child, say to them well you shouldn't have had children, then. The truth is, sometimes they just aren't likable.
As far as generosity, my life is dedicated to 5 children and my husband how is that not generous? Compassion, I am short on that, I will admit. Humility, I see no point in that but consider this, would I sit here and spend all this time on this subject if I didn't want a better situation?

Re: finedreams
under search if you put in hate step, you will come up with 444 postings on this forum. Many discussions relating to much worse than what I have to say, I didn't just pull my statement out of the air. Clarification, I don't mistreat him I just don't find him likable.

people, who hate their steps, do not on this forum more than once because they just don't meet the support they are looking for, there are forums that are full of stepparents hating their steps, but this is not that forum.

So often people who defend their behavior & words with phrases like "gritty honesty" are trying to make something ugly into something commendable.

Get a divorce & leave this poor kid alone.

So you have the 7 yr old, about 8 days a month and you have been part of his young life like what? Three/four years?

Since child was like three or four since your arrival on the scene, what was it like with him from the get-go. I can't imagine a 3/4 yr old being terribly awful, and you did not have the 2 yr old toddler back then, so did you ever really try with the little boy or did you just auto reject him as he does not look like his father? Was there ever a time you saw anything likeable in the boy, he was a toddler upon meeting, was he worthy of your time then?

What will happen when your little 2 yr old turns 4? Will there be anything to like about him/her then? What if he/she shows a few signs of being difficult and a wee bit not likeable?

Why would you expect a seven year old to be really great with (help with? as you're so busy with limited time?) as well as the 12 and 13 yr old. There's a world of difference between 7 and 12/13. If you did not have time for additional children other than the 4 currently had, why have even more. Each child deserves his/her share of attention and his/her needs tended to. One does not get to just forget about and want to write off/dismiss one child just because they have chosen to bring in yet additional kids which will take up lots of time and work (a baby)

I feel kinda sorry for the little guy. He has to come to a home very weekend that eyes his every move to see if the eyer can see anything that might be like dad, gossip to other family members he might not be (what did the DNA test show?), get told to shhh, run along ...you know not that hard to think 12/13 year old don't spend over much time playing with the 7 yr old , as stated, not alot in commom and of the same interest and abilities as the younger boy...I'm wondering how much the boy is really not likeable as to how much the boy just crimps your style and makes you have to bother with one who is not either cute and tiny (and your own) or older and not as needy.

Do you really think child can't pick up on your anti anti feelings towards him?

What does dad say and think about the little guy? If nobody loves the kid nor wants him around to have to bother with, why not do the boy a favor and not have visitations with him. Better to leave him home with his mom than to make him feel unloved and unwanted.

Nottotoo:
Some women on this forum get a little cranky and it spills over to their posts. Take it with a grain of salt. Everyone should be welcome here without getting judged, reading false accusations or having a finger pointed in their face ... unfortunately sometimes people forget their manners.

In regard to your situation, it sounds like you have a busy household with lots of kids at various ages. Read the book "Birth Order" by Kevin Leman. It might help you to understand the 7 yr old a little better.

As for you and your husband questioning his son's paternity ... why doesn't he get a DNA test?

Why would you do a search on this forum with the words 'hate step'?? Not very nice..

I'm not cranky, nor am I going to attack...

I can understand how it would be difficult to build a relationship with a child when you do not care for his/her personality... there are five children in total and I'm sure the others take up plenty of your time & energy. You are not obligated to love him or have a relationship any more than he is obligated to love or have a relationship with you. Let his father parent him. It's not your job. He does not live there, he only visits... so let his father spend time with him and have a relationship with him. You can focus on your children. Having unrealistic expectations about everyone in the family should feel any certain way about each other, is only setting up disappointments. You are not going to change his personality, he is not going to warm up to you when he may feel your dislike of his personality. If you can't handle accepting that you are not going to change him, then you might consider leaving the relationship or removing yourself from the situation when he is there. It would be horrible if your feelings make his visits less than enjoyable for him and his father or worse, if he were to stop seeing his father because of you. So, take him off your to do list and move on. He is not your child, he is not your problem... there is nothing to fix besides your attitude toward him.

Quite frankly, I was a bit outraged at the mention of DNA. My SD is 10. A few months ago, her mother shouted at my DH that he isn't even her father... and for a couple of days, he considered a DNA test. My SD looks NOTHING like my DH. I would be lying if I said it never crossed my mind but she is 10 years old, he is her father... he loves her & she loves him. Isn't that more important than DNA? I asked my DH what he would do if the results came back that he was not biologically her father, he didn't want to find out. It would devastate him. I cannot imagine why anyone would voice that question after so many years when a relationship has been formed and the one that will be crushed will surely be the child if they lost the person they thought was their parent. How horrible is that? It made my heart break when I read that.

As for shaping kids that don't live with you... kids are not shaped by ONE person. They are shaped by all the life experiences and people in their lives. Parents are primary but they learn from their teachers, friends, neighbors, clergy, and even strangers they see in public, who they may never meet. I also don't believe it's possible to contain your displeasure for someone unless you are good at being fake. You may smile but we all give out vibes and kids are excellent at feeling that out... from birth. If you can't change your feelings, the best thing you can do to make the situation bearable for everyone is to keep your distance and let him have a relationship with his father.

Ok, I was a bit cranky :-)
Good advise Ima!

When I asked above about DNA, it was not to offend, I assumed since there appears to have always been a question that the father may have requested one when child was tiny or been court ordered because of child support. If father did not and has decided this is his son by blood or not, it is his decision to raise and be in the life of this child no matter any question of blood. And when that is the case then '... husbands entire family believes the 7 year old is from another man...' needs to stop questioning and wondering and let the gentleman be the father he desires to be to the boy.

My SS did have to go through with DNA when SGS was almost four as it was court mandated for the SS to partake in court proceeding and to claim his rights to the little boy. But that is different than what is being posted about in this situation posted by OP.

What Ima's BM shouted out to Ima's DH was just cruel and meant to be hurtful and try to distrupt the love and relationship between Ima's SD and DH and perhaps to make Ima's DH to stop trying so hard with the daughter or decide to stop loving and seeing her. Ima's DH rose above that taunt after searching his heart and found it does not matter, the child is his daughter in the deepest sense that it matters to be a father to a child.

I feel very sad for this 7 year old... I just reread

"I must also put out there that my husbands ex was notorious for adultery and frankly myself and husbands entire family believes the 7 year old is from another man. His appearance being nothing like his fathers and considering he just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of his family leads us all to suspicion"

and this leads me to believe that for many years, maybe all of his life, he has had the whispers about his biology in question and therefore, been treated different by EVERYONE in his father's family. How can he possibly fit in when he has this cloud of suspicion over his head... maybe making him feel outcast??? I'd be very interested to know what is done about the other children shooing him away all the time? I also wonder how close his father is with him, given that he has doubted his own paternity for years? There is no doubt he would be starved for attention and negative attention is better than none.

I can relate to this somewhat because of my SD11...5 others who need my attention she has 2 parents who can give her all the attention she needs.

But I think IMA has given this a little more insight, your SS probably feels like an outcast so why should even bother trying to be accepted.

Totally agree negative attention is better than no attention at all.

if advocating for a child welfare means being cranky then be it, LOL I am glad people agreed with me, such negative attitude toward young child is just not productive and helps nobody, change your attitude and you might even start liking this child. and of course he knows that he is not liked, that's why he behaves this way, poor child

I'd be honored to be in the cranky club with finedreams.

lol welcome to the cranky club sylvia