Gee. I feel bad for you. This must be very unsettling. It took me a very long time to introduce my son to the men in my life. He has only met two of them. I didn't want him to meet and get close to someone, only to have the relationship end. I can see why you would feel insecure about the relationship.

I know I am not offering advice. Does he understand how this makes you feel. Does he care how this makes you feel? From personal experience, if he doesn't care about how you feel now, it's not a very good sign.

There are alot of intelligent women who post on this site. Hopefully, you will get alot more insights...

Susan

I know that my dh and I waited a long time to introduce our kids to eachother and then for them to all meet. We were "committed" to eachother for a while before we involved the kids. He had gone through a horrible divorce and the kids mom had left then and he did not want to rush them into anything. I had split from my ex for years, but was also cautious about my son adjusting to a new guy. Myabe your boyfriend just feels that it is not the right time for his son. Have a little patience and let him know how you feel about wanting to meet his son and see what his reasoning is for waiting. I would say that his son is at an age right now where it may be a little easier for him to accept you and like you then when he hits his teenage years. That may be something that you both may want to think about. What is the "committment to his son" that he is referring to in not introducing you both?

My BF and I probably took the non-traditional/less recommended approach of introducing his son to me almost immediately. I met his 6 year old son on our 3rd "date" which was really just hanging out at his house watching a movie and playing legos with his son. I refused to spend the night there for about 6 months, and when I finally did, I asked him to speak with his son about it when I wasn't around to make sure that he was really ok with his dad having someone stay over. Yeah, he's 6, so he probably isn't totally sure of what's going on, but considering his mother moved in with someone she barely knew, he seemed to be ok with the idea that I would be there from time to time.

In hindsight, it's actully been really great for our relationship. I've never known by BF without his son. It wasn't like we dated as a "single" couple for 6 months or a year and then suddenly had this 3rd party introduced into things. His son now asks for me to stay over when I visit.

My BF has primary custody and very few babysitting resources. If I didn't meet his son early on, there's no way we could have continued to date. I also have a really great relationship with his son and have now moved on to spending more time there and doing some of the day care drop offs and pick ups. A caveat - we are talking of moving in together in a few months and getting married in about a year. If at any point I wasn't sure about the relationship, I wouldn't have started sleeping over and getting involved in some of the parenting decisions (the bio mom doesn't really care to know much about her sons actual upbringing - she just wants to babysit when it makes her feel good).

At this point, if your BF's son is aware that he is dating someone, the son is already forming ideas about you that you can't control. You might be the "wicked stepmother" in his mind, or the woman who always occupys his dad's friday nights. Your BF may inadvertently be doing more harm than good, especially if you've already been dating a year. Personally, I would almost be insulted. If this man is someone you're serious about and someone you would consider marrying, a year is plenty long enough to take the next step with his family - especially at your ages and with your life experience. It almost sounds to me like he's making an excuse not to move the relationship along and using this mysterious "commitment" to his son as a cover up.

Also - he needs to think about what it is that he's teaching his son about relationships. His son will grow up and treat women in the same way he sees his dad treating them. He will also view relationships with women in much the same way that his father does. If his son is learning not to trust women and to be wary of having them around family members, the kid could grow up with some serious trust issues himself.

Lots to think about for you here - it would raise lots of red flags for me.

Hi,

My opinion is that he is absolutely entitled to make whatever commitments he feels are appropriate to his son.

But now he has you in an exclusive relationship with him, which means you have shut off other potential romantic options. You've been in this for a year and he says he wants a future with you.

I think he needs to put his money where his mouth is and tell you what kind of commitment he has made to his son. It could be something simple - it could be something really complicated. Whatever it is, it will impact you and you need to know what it is so you can decide what you want to do.

I appreciate your thoughts and opinions. Unfortunately, most confirm that I am not crazy on how I feel about this. Not that it helps :-)
He claims his commitment is about not willing to introduce his son until he knows it is long term, but when I point out that that means he must not think of us as long term, he says it is not about me - he is not ready to introduce me yet, but does think of me long term. Confusing, huh?
I have tried to be understanding, to an extent, because apparently he did not have a good relationship with his own father, and I really think he fears this could negatively impact his relationship with his son.
I've also wondered how much his ex's opinion has anything to do with things - because in the over 2 years they have been divorced, apparently neither one has ever moved in the direction of dating, until he and I started dating (she does not know about me either).
I guess I'm still confused by what the issue really is and he is not overly approachable about the subject - saying I am pushing and I need to leave it alone until he is ready for it to happen.
Like I said,, I would probably walk away if I had not become involved in every other aspect of his life - and he did not speak of the future and that meeting his son is not an "if" but a "when" issue.
I guess I mostly was looking for feedback to see if I am insane. My friends agree with me, but what are friends supposed to do? So some unbiased opinions were needed.
It is probably the biggest roadblock in our relationship and I can honestly say, without this issue or relationship is awesome. We are both in jobs we love and have to make time for each other but we do manage to do so.

I do wonder how his son will react if he were ever to find out about me in another way other than through his dad, and have expressed this to him (they live in a small community and we have run into several people when we have been out to dinner or lunch) - but all I can do is express my concern.

Oh, well, it still remains a dilemma, I'll let you know how this works out ;) Thanks again.

You are not insane and the only color you should be seeing about this situation is red for RED FLAGS. If he's that "committed" to his son, I would back off with the amount of time you invest in the relationship. Commit more of your time to your own children and your own happiness.

Doctors will tell you not to introduce your kids to every man you date. It is to disturbing to bond with a man and have him drop out of their lives suddenly and often. I know you have dated for a year, but was marriage ever mentioned? Did he pick you up at your house and honk for you? When I met my late husband, the first night he picked me up he came to the door I invited him in and introduced him to my boys, but they were not social with him. We didn't do family things until we married.

It can be appreciated that he doesn't want to introduce you to his son until he knows it is long term. What is unfair to you is that after one year and being exclusive, he is not thinking of you as "long-term".

He can say what he wants, and he can try to convince you otherwise, but his actions are the only thing that you should be watching. What his actions are saying is exactly what he told you - he is not willing to introduce you to his son until he considers you long-term. Furthermore, he doesn't want his ex-wife to know about you either.

I know this hurts and that you are concerned. My recommendation would be to stop letting him have this type of control over you. I think that is a huge red flag. He's keeping you a secret and he's putting you in a slot and is telling you that he'll change that when he is good and ready and with that, he is in charge of the relationship and he's calling the shots.

If you are ok with that, that's fine. If you are not, stop the exclusive dating pact you have with him and start to date others. If he wants to keep you in his life, he's going to need to go into Prince Charming mode, introduce you to his son, let his ex-wife know that you exist and move your relationship forward. If he doesn't do that, you will meet a man who is very willing to do all of those things and that is what you deserve.

Best wishes.