Why do you care whether GM picks ups the SD? Is it you want to teach the mom responsiblity? I dont think you think GM is really too sick, you just didnt want to teach both of them a lesson.

IMA my hubby pays a lawyer lots of money to say NO to BM because he can't.

Doesn't matter what she asks he agrees until he gets pissed off enough then he pays a lawyer to say NO for him. :)

kkny, you'd have to ask my husband but my guess is the last time grandma picked up SD, she kept her at her house and BM didn't get her until Saturday afternoon. Then, when he picked up SD, she had gotten her hair cut really short after DH told her she couldn't... but grandma took her to do it without telling him. The whole weekend was supposed to be a secret from DH. Don't tell dad your mom isn't coming to get you. Don't tell dad we're getting your hair cut. Well, that is more than teaching them both a lesson.

BM said she was going to take him to court to get an order to let GM pick up SD. He said fine, then GM can pick her up when she gets the order. He told her he will ask for ROFR (thanks to you for teaching us about that) and he will inform the court how GM and BM conspire to keep secret, what goes on with his DD. BM won't take him to court or won't ask a court to let her mom pick up her DD because she doesn't want to have to explain why she isn't paying any support and why she can't come get her own kid when she isn't working.

But, I see why you defend mom no matter what she does. Or are you just condemning a SM? I could care less who gets SD from the school. In fact, it takes up MY time to go down there and get her when her mom won't. Of course, I am going to support my husband, I think he is right to stand up to BM and stop letting her walk all over him.

Gee, Ima, with your vast legal knowledge, I find it difficult to beleive you didnt know about ROFR. I was just asking -- but not suprised you and your hubby want total control.

Wow, what a nice compliment kk. I didn't consider my legal knowlege 'vast'. Of course, how would I know about ROFR when I raised my kids with no dad so it wasn't an issue in my case.

You seem to mention that you work with a lot of attorneys and know your way around a court room. My mistake.

To me the bigger issue is the loss of health insurance. I couldn't sleep at night without it.

I once had no insurance and i have a lot of debt because of it. i would still go to doctors if i had to, so i ended up charging. i had some health issues that couldn't wait. you should get insurance as soon as posible, probably get full time job wiht benefits. if you have your own business, it is hard to get insurance.

it is crazy mom doesn't work but sends grandma. annoying. BM is crazy. no comments. not even worth arguing wiht her. i would let GM to pick up DD because it is not worth to argue. can't change these crazy people.

ima, i have to say you change your stories.

when we talk about how it is sometimes hard for BM when new SM show up, you tell us how your son had this involved dad and SM. how he used to be with dad all the time and he even called SM "mommy" and how it was hard on you but you were so above it.

then when different topic come up, then you say you raised your kids wiht no dads. i noticed that sometimes you talk how you raised them all alone but then all of a sudden all these stories of kids' SMs and dads and their relationships. so which one is it? it seems you change your story every time you need to present yourself in a better light.

I have to agree. Insurance is a bigger issue w/ SD always coming back sick. FD, I didn't mean completely w/o dad as my son saw his dad for 6-7 years but we had CO, we did not co-parent like it should be. He had his time, I had mine & it was not ideal at all but then again, we didn't 'choose' to have a kid together either.

BM called DH and told him she wants to pay him. She said her mom will bring him a money order for the past due medical bills when she picks up SD tomorrow. I guess I should mention that he filed a contempt of court papers against her on Monday and she was served on Tuesday. He only filed on the past due medical bills and the attorney's fees she owes our attorney and the attorney's fees were due to be paid in full by last October. They go to court on that issue only on 1/22/09. So, she is 'negotiating' and being super nice. He says she was actually pleasant. When it comes to her, I guess I am too pessimistic because I only see a wolf in sheep's clothing. But, it's better than hostility, I know.

He still told her that SD wants to be picked up by her mom, not her grandma. Besides BM telling him grandma collapsed over stress (then later said she is fine, it was just the stress of his text message), the problems with grandma go way back before I even met DH. Grandma has always been attached to BM's older daughter, the one that now lives with her. Grandma has always treated SD differently... when DH & BM split up, BM moved back with her mom and wouldn't let SD move in. DH kept SD for a couple of months until BM's mom finally relented and allowed SD to stay every other week with BM. SD has told us how grandma doesn't like her and they don't get along... so that is another reason grandma shouldn't be picking up SD. But, DH drew the line when grandma cut her hair & told her to keep it a secret that mom wasn't getting her until the next day. If she had asked to keep SD overnight, it might not have been such a big deal, but it was telling SD to lie to him that he has a problem with. So, even with BM paying what she owes and should have paid all along, he told BM she needs to get SD herself. She didn't argue, but then she does want him to drop the contempt case. He says he won't drop it unless she pays everything she owes. She is offering to pay what she owes him, but not what she owes the attorney.

Is there a long car line at the school for pick up that the mom wants to avoid? Or is it that she really doesn't want to entertain her daughter for the afternoon?

What is she avoiding?

I think if BM doesn't want to get her own DD and delegates the responsibility to her mom, then you guys should exercise first right of refusal. Would DH do that?

Sounds like your EX's and My EX are reading the same parenting book. It has been my experence that if you allow them any "favors" it comes back and bites you in the butt!! I gave my EX an extra 4 days with the kids over Christmas break and I had to call the police when we went to get them because we got tied up picking up SS and was 15 minutes late getting them from his house. It wasn't like he was waiting in a cold parking lot. Our order says it is no big deal til after 30 minutes which I have never done but besides that he was keeping the kids in the house while he yelled at DH and I about stuff that had NOTHING to do the kids. It is CRAZY tring to deal with these people sometimes. I find it best to have things done with the courts AND follow the letter.

We live in a rural area with a fairly small school so there isn't long lines to pick up the kids. Most parents park & get out to walk their kids out and there is one parking lot for those that drive through in a circle to get the child.

BM lives 3 hours away from us. Her mom lives an hour away in a different direction from us. BM lives about 2 hours from her mom. She has claimed that SD will be in the car less time if her mom gets her. She wants her mom to pick up SD and take her back to grandma's house where BM will pick her up. We've tried to explain to her that it really doesn't matter who picks her up, SD will be in the car at least 3 hours. But, she has argued that it's less time with grandma doing the pick up.

She has stated the reason grandma does the pick up is to save BM money so she only has to drive 2 hours to her mom's, not 3 hours to SD's school. (maybe that's why she thinks SD will be in the car less, she's only considering the time SD is in the car with HER) She has also gotten grandma to drive SD and her sister the whole 3 hours to BM's house (or usually it's halfway or some other meeting point in the middle)

Another reason is BM plans just about everything around her BF and his kids. She used to get SD in the evening because she wanted to bring her BF with her so she waited until he got off work. She was picking her up at 8 pm and that means they would get home after 11pm. Then at other times, she tried to pick up SD early from school so she could be home before her BF got home from work. When DH put a stop to her taking SD out of school early, she started sending her mom. The time when BM didn't go get SD until Saturday afternoon, she didn't go because BF was getting his kids for just one day and she decided to stay with BF while he had his kids and when they went back to their mom, her & BF went to get her daughter. They didn't get SD's sister, they left her at grandma's. So, now DH doesn't trust that if grandma picks up SD from school, she will actually be going with BM (especially since they all lied to him about it last time).

Personally, I think she has placed her kids on the bottom of her priority list.. or at least below her BF and his kids. She doesn't work, but her mom does. That means her mom also has to take time off work to go get SD for her. I find it incredulous that her mom does that for her, but whatever. She raised BM and if she wants to continue to enable her daughter, that's her business I guess. It's just really sad for SD (and her sister). DH says that as long as SD says she wants her mom to pick her up, he will stick to telling BM to get her own daughter.

I also agree with kkny, having the parent pick up their child makes the child feel wanted. I have seen how upset SD gets when she gets off the phone with her mom after being told her grandma will pick her up. I've heard her crying to dad that she wants her mom to pick her up. (not every time but she has gotten quite upset, probably when she knows mom is doing things with BF and his kids and making BS excuses for not coming to get her) Sadly, SD is figuring out where she is on her mom's priority list.

Well, her mom is in her 70's and if that was too stressful for her, DH says he no longer wants SD in a car driven by her unless she has a doctor's statement assuring him she is okay.

Ima,

Oh, that is SO good!

As to whether you should laugh or scream? My vote's for laugh!

With getting BM to paychild support? When our SDs decided to live with us (they weren't getting along with their stepdad), we did the math and found it was far more cost effective not to bother pursuing a change in custody, much less child support. The honest truth is that what it would have cost in court, legal and collection fees, time lost from work, etc.for the miserable "pittance" we'd have ended up with, if she'd have "pushed" it, we'd have just kept paying HER instead, and still have saved a boatload of money.

But if she'd have been SO unreasonable to the point of having already put us in the position of having no choice but to waste all that time and money, I wouldn't give her any leeway whatsoever. I'd make her adhere to each and every single nit picky little detail of the court order, with zero deviation. To extend a curtesy without the expectation of reciprocation is only enabling her to continue taking advantage of you.

Forcing you to expend even MORE funds by having the nerve to call YOUR lawyer? Is it possible for you to instruct your attorney to inform her that he will only deal with her through HER attorney instead? If she had to pay her own attorney to place those calls as well, she might think twice before doing so.

I actually think KKNY's idea of whoever's house the child goes to picks up the kid is a stroke of genius! I have never heard it put that way, but I think she really made sense! I think I will implement this with X.

I am used to DS going with other people like X or my sister or older cousins (they are both 18) and GP. It was hard at first, but I got used to it and now plan non-kid activities during these times. Usually, it's HIM going away from ME. I drop him off somewhere and go back to my life. Or someone comes to pick him up and I stay home. But 2 summers ago (May 2007), DS and I went to San Diego to visit my sister. The plan was to visit and then my sister would keep DS for an extra 2 weeks, saving me daycare expenses for 3 weeks. When it came time for me to leave, I was a WRECK! I cried and cried the entire time I was in the airport and most of the flight home. I really felt like I was abandoning him! It's weird how it felt so different.

I have chosen to laugh... it keeps getting funnier.

She called DH twice this morning, just after he got to work. He isn't even supposed to get personal phone calls but he talked to her and the first call is to say she shouldn't have to pay for half of SD's inhaler. They each got a prescription and he filled his. He doesn't think she filled hers. He told her to send him the receipt and he will reimburse her for his half. She says no, she doesn't have a receipt. Then she tells him that he made a mistake in adding up all the bills and was $10.00 off so she is going to short him $5.00. (She told him yesterday that she already sent the money order by fed ex so her mom has it already. How is she going to change the amount? Another lie?) He called to tell me & I told him let her pay whatever she wants, it's not worth fighting over $5. He agrees but wanted to tell her that she still owes almost $3,000.00 in back child support that he isn't even addressing since DCSS is handling the monthly child support.

A year ago, I would have screamed and did quite often. Whether it's been the passage of time or support from this forum, or a combination of both... it's gotten easier to see that she is who she is... I can predict her behavior... I can't change anything... all I can do is change MY attitude and I choose to shake my head and laugh instead of ruining my day. I have to admit, it ain't easy. Every time she calls DH and he calls me to tell me what's going on... I can feel the tension in my neck. (I've asked him to only call me if it involves me doing something, like having to be at the school or pick up SD and take her home) It is worse when she starts sending me text messages, then she is involving me directly. She does that more often than calling DH. Personally, I think she is just trying to pick fights... by trying to argue over $5.00 or when she starts sending me texts and arguing over five minutes... early or late.

BM is so childish! She needs to grow up! She should be picking up her daughter and spending time with her, not passing it off on her own mother! If she is not going to spend time with her daughter on her weekend than her daughter should stay home with you and dh.

DH NEEDS to stick to his guns about pick up being only from mom, not grandma. If he bends again then she will always pull this last minute texting and phone call crap!

As for texting, if you can not stop bm from her crazy text messages DH either needs to block her # from his cell or he needs to just break down and pay the $5 or so a month for unlimited texts so he does not end up paying $15 instead.

Ima,
Sounds to me like your husband exwife is a LAZY SOB .
LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY.
Who the HELL asks their 70 year old mother this?? And of course her mother is an enable to her lazy lifestyle.
1. She needs to grow up
2. Tell GM to butt out of the divorce issue. Her daughters responsibility to take care of her CHild!
3. Tell your husband to say NO to grandma.
This is not a control issue.
This is safety and responsibility.
The woman is 70 years old and is not in any condition to drive if she is fainting.
And BM doesn't work, has time and her bf has alot of money so she shouldnt' worry about the gas!
So she has to drive 3 hours to come get her daughter...oh boo hoo..my heart bleeds for her. If she doesn't want to drive that long then move more closer! but she should stop using her mother like this!
What a putz of a person to do this to her 70 year old mother. This shows alot of her personality. What a self centered human being!
I would never allow my mother if i still had her to go driving 2 hours to go pick up my daughter.
If i was divorced, that would be my responsibility..no one elses!

Well, BM had told DH she was having her mom drop off the money order.. first it was for $368... then she changed it to $363 as she found an error in the calculations. He said 'whatever'. Then, she picked up SD and sent him a text to tell him the check is in the mail. So, I won that bet. He was still going to give her the benefit of the doubt because she was talking so nice yesterday (admitting she should have been paying all along and admitting how wrong she was... just being as agreeable and sweet as she could), he actually said he thinks she finally is getting it and maybe she's changed. I didn't say anything, just said "we'll see". Of course, I don't like her much and I think she's way to predictable so I thought she was just sweet talking her way into him letting grandma pick up SD and seeing if he'd drop the case if she paid the medical bills but not the attorney bills. When she didn't get her way, the claws came back out and she got snippy with him.. then didn't pay anything, AGAIN. (He told me that he was going to give me the money since I have been paying all of SD's medical bills). I told him he could put it in the general fund for paying bills because I really didn't think she'd pay & I am not ever going to count on her money... nor get excited about it. He was a little stoked & planning what he was going to pay on with it... it would sure help toward some health insurance.

I told him to forget about it. If she pays, great. We won't expect it or plan what we will do with it if she does pay. It's not a lot of money anyways... but she owes it and she should pay it. If she doesn't pay it, she will answer to the Judge in two weeks. My first choice would be for her to do what she is supposed to in the first place... pay her bills. At this point, it might be more entertaining to see what happens in front of the Judge than to get the few hundred dollars she owes. Of course, she owes the attorney a thousand too.

I have chosen to laugh... it keeps getting funnier.

Ima,

Good for you! I can predict pretty much everything my husband's X is going to pull as well--usually weeks, if not months, in advance!

But you're right. There's nothing we can do to change them, we can only change the way we react. Her petty nonsense of arguing over 5 minutes, and haggling over $5 when she owes $3,000 in back child support? What a sad pathetic little life she must live.

I wonder what consequences are there for those who do not pay child support? jail? i am serious. should judge mention that? she still doesn't work? still looking for job? and how was her wedding that she planned like what 3 months ago? the one you were supposed to bake a cake for? hahah this is too funny.

Today we got a money order. It was dated 1/9/09 so she bought it AFTER she said she fed ex'd it to her mom. Whatever! It was for the full amount of the past due medical bills, minus the $5 because she said she found an error. It was $363.92... but she still hasn't paid for November & December's bills. I'm not complaining, just noting the irony that she'll subtract $5 but still owes nearly $100 on the medical, $1,000 to the attorney and $1,800 in support (DH was adding them all together when he said $3,000)

Consequences? They don't want to put parents in jail. I guess as a last resort, they will. The papers she was served with say right on it that she can be put in jail or pay a fine. That is probably why she paid. She still owes $1,000 to the attorney.

I guess now she is supposedly working. She had gotten a job for a major package delivery company over the holidays and was trying to keep it secret. She apparently is still working there, IF she isn't lying. Who knows? When DH told her he lost his insurance, she said she would see about putting SD on her insurance but right now she's on COBRA until she's hired full time. It didn't sound right to me so I don't know if I believe ANYTHING the woman says. Of course, I didn't believe she would pay but she did. We'll see what she has to say about the attorney's fees.

Oh, her wedding that she asked me to bake a cake for???? She told SD that she won't be able to get married this year after all because she has no money, she has to pay child support. (yeah.. again, it's our fault!) She doesn't mention to SD that she's still married to her big sister's daddy.

I had a heart to heart with SD tonight and told her that I don't know what she's being told but I have NOTHING to do with the court case. (her mom told her she was served with papers from me and DH) I told her that we didn't 'steal' her from her mom, her mom decided to move away and 'gave' her to us. (her mom keeps telling her we took her away from her mom and won't give her back) I told her that we are not trying to keep her from her mom, in fact... DH is having to 'force' BM to pick her up herself, that her mom wants grandma to come get her but we know SD wants her mom to so that is why DH is making her. (BM was telling SD that we are trying to keep her from going over there) and I told her that if her mom calls, I answer the phone and give it to her ALWAYS. (her mom has been telling her that she calls but we won't answer the phone because we are trying to keep SD from her) I also told her that her mom is her mom and nothing is ever going to change that. I told her that I'm sorry she has been hurt and that it hurts me to see her suffer and that it hurts me even more when she treats me badly, like it's my fault for what her mom is doing. She was crying and looked over to me and broke down even more, telling me how sorry she is for being mean to me all the time. I told her that I understand why she does it but that it's not okay to treat someone bad and expect them to be nice to her. I told her how I raised my kids to treat others the way you want to be treated and when she treats me bad, then that's how I think she wants me to treat her. I told her I don't want to treat her like that, I want her to be happy here, that all we want is for her to be healthy, happy and be the best her she can be. She came over and we hugged, I told her I love her and she said sorry again.

I have to admit, it was emotionally draining for me because we've had talks like this before.. never this emotional, but she always reverts back to treating me like crap when she comes back from her mom. (I do have issues with trusting her after we've been through this so many times & I do get hurt when she goes back to treating me badly) I didn't bad mouth her mom at all, but I did tell her what the truth is and I told her that I won't lie to her, if she wants the truth... she can ask me and even if she might not like the answer, I won't lie. I'm pretty sure she already knows the truth about her mom... after all, she knows her mom WAY better than I ever will.