The fact that you were "surprised" by the fact that your husband has children is the crux of the problem. I agree with your assessment that SK's feel "entitled", likely because their very existence was kept a secret and likely because they were the ones who found him and not vice-versa. Rather than questioning if you can live with a 20-year-old girl who doesn't like to lift boxes, maybe you should be questioning if you can live with a fully grown man who didn't bother to tell you he had children. It doesn't say much about his ability to stay committed to anything or anyone in the long haul, not to mention his honesty.

I'm not sure what I would think about a man who failed to tell you about his family and a man who didn't have a lot to do with his kids for six years. What was his reasoning for not telling you until two months ago and also why has he been estranged?...that aside , With your husband unemployed and two able bodied kids living there while you're supporting everyone, why would you have had to lift a box in the first place..they should have done that.

I guess I didn't answer the question you asked with my above post...no you're not wrong for your feelings. I do think however some of your frustrations over the entire situation are maybe being focused towards your SD. Not knowing them for very long, you haven't had much of an opportunity to establish any kind of relationship either. Maybe some time and some communication about the circumstances would help...by the way, why isn't the dad stepping in and handling this for you, they are his kids.

Follow up: I have known of my husband's children since we met, he has been estranged from them since he was shot in Iraq in 2002. He was hospitalized for over 6 months and lost several feet of intesines. He was removed from the military after 17 years of faithful service due to his recovery process he had to undergo after his injury. His ex-wife was unwilling to work with him in regards to his child support and told his children that he was kicked out of the military for "disorderly conduct" so they choose to stop communicating with him and he going through depression of a life upheaved isolated himself. I am in no way justifying his abondonment of his children. I definetly feel he should have fought harder to keep them in his life. My concern is how do I get over my resentments towards SD right now? My SS is going out of his way to help and she is not. My husband is trying to be supportive and has confronted the issue but I know he is scared to drive her away. What do I do?

Surprise,
I would have a problem with the husband "allowing" ADULTS to move in with you in the first place. Now he "allows" you to support them and deal with their ADULT EMOTIONAL DRAMA. I would put my foot down. Give them 90 days or so to get it together and get their own place.

surprise:
that's a big piece of the puzzle...thanks for clearing it up. This is why this forum can be so unbalanced...so many details are either left out or it's too involved to write in one sitting. Thanks for sharing. I really think time will help you get over your resentment. As you all evolve in this relationship and your husband and his kids pick up some of the emotional and financial burden, I think your resentments will lift too. Good Luck.

First, I am so sorry how our country has treated your DH and others in similiar position in the armed forces. Second, of course you can feel resentment.

I would suggest you NOT compare the kids, all kids are different. It sounds like SD is improving, maybe time will help. She may resent what she feels what abondment by her Dad. Does your DH qualify for disability (ignorant question on my part, jsut dont know)

We had a bit of a rule in my house...if you don't want to help out with the things that need to get done in the running of a household, no problem. But you'd best hire someone to take up the slack :)

I am thankful I found this message board! You have all helped me more than you will ever know!
HappyNewyear1: This is how I am feeling and I guess I was trying to ignore it or pretend it wasn't there. But really, this is where I think my resentment is, not my stepkids. I really need to speak with my husband: that is where this started. Thank you for hitting the nail on the head.
Cindy: I really did not want to start my first post with a huge blog..but yes there is a lot of details to this story. But I am thankful to you for giving me hope for the future. I was missing that.
kkny: My husband does get disability, but was only qualified for 33% and lost all his additional military benefits. They did however pay for his "re-training" into civilian life for a new career 100%. So we are in no way bitter. He did what was right for our country and he is still with us, so we are okay with what life has brought our way. But I thank you for your support of his situation. He is a brave and wonderful man.
Follow up: Thanks to all your support, I spoke with my husband and he has spoken to his daughter. She is going to make more effort in the house and apologized for her own lack of responsibility. She has so far shown great response. So Deorah we will be following your advise from here out and I think with time we will be okay. Thank you all!!

The SD's attitude towards cleaning up, etc...is not uncommon these days. They are tired after work, but young people can be self-centered and do not consider that you are also tired. This isn't a SM thing. Kids will do this to their own bio parents.

Does the SS work, go to school, or pay rent? If not, she might be resenting him and wondering why she has to clean when she works and he doesn't. I've seen this a lot in all kinds of families.

loladoon: SS does go to college full time and does clean up after dinner, takes out trash and helps his father in the yard and on our cars. He has been a God send. I think that is also why my SD lack of assitance around the house has been so gleaming as well. But so far since his talk with her, she seems to be making a bit more of an effort. I am guraded but willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Perhaps part of this is that SD thinks her work and financial assistance should count more. My reaction -- at 20, SD likely belongs in school. Dad needs to talk to her about this.