Can you just not pick up when she phones and disengage that way.?
When there is calls coming from BM house, i do not pick up the phone. I know its not bm..its Sd but i still wont pick up the phone. Cause whether its bm or sd in my case , its always about money or time and its whines up in a fight...so i ignore the phone. Give the message to my dh. ANd he also will ignore it now. I've noticed he has started to disengage for his sanity. And things are quiet because of this.
How does she have your number? Is it the landline she is calling? Put the answering phone on!
ANd no its not selfish of your dh to have an adult evening. I think your DH should call bm and tell her that its not her business as to when he is and how he is celebrating his bday. They are not married and its none of her concern. To make a comment about their son was out of line because it her weekend anyways.So he shoudl also say, 'what, you dont want your son on your weekend? What kind of mother are you? are you dumping your son? and trying to ruin my personal plans? who's the freak here???
Turn it around! ITs HER TIME TO SPEND THE WEEKEND WITH HER SON AND she is just trying to guilt your dh. Your hubby should say here my bday gift to myself 'Go stick it!"
lol...wow...this ex really hasnt' gotten over it if she is using her weekend time against your dh just cause its his bday...jealous eh..
shut the phone , ignore her, let your dh handle her and let him tell her off. Your silence is gold and enjoy your weeekend with your hubby. Make sure ss is over there and then cut communication until its time to pick him up at the end of the weekend.

It seems that even when you tell her how you feel, she doesn't hear you... so don't waste your energy on this person. You already tried to explain the birthday plans and she doesn't care to hear this either. Some people enjoy turning things around to suit their own agenda. So maybe the next time she calls, you can tell her that you prefer not to discuss these matters with her and that she needs to confine her conversations to your DH. Then go take a hot bubble bath complete with a glass of wine and lavender candle.

If I were you I would put it back on DH. Have him tell BM that if she has concerns regarding their son she is to call him. If he is not available leave a message and he will call her back when he can.

And NO your dh should not feel guilty about having an adult night on his birthday!! Its not even his weekend! What does bm do when her birthday falls on a day she does not have her son?

BM is trying to control DH and yourself. Don't let her. I agree with the others; tell BM that you do not want to be in the middle anymore, and then don't. You have told her and therefore you make your actions predictable, which is to not respond.

If she wants to talk about SS then she needs to talk to DH, and DH only. That is what we do, well, not that BM would ever acknowledge my presence so for me there is no issues there :-)

She is not communicating with you for the right reasons, only for the wrong ones. To interfere, to push buttons, to drag you down to her level, to manipulate you with guilt. Time to put a stop to it.

If she starts to leave pushy messages for you, and it is URGENT that you get back to her, don't buy into it. If there was something that was actually serious she would contact DH right? Back to No Contact!! Good luck, you are doing the right thing

Thanks ladies. I know I need to enforce these boundaries once again.

I don't know what she would do if her birthday fell on a day she didn't have her son. I *think* DH has switched with her in the past so SS could be with his mom to celebrate. But I also know that if her bday fell on a weekend night she would most certainly want an adult-night with her husband!

I think what's really fueling this fire is that her DH is working out of town and has been gone for 4 weeks now. I think she is overwhelmed with SS and the baby; she's been cooped up in the house the last 2 days (as have I and DD!) because of the snow and I think she is just itching for a night out this weekend and was hoping DH would take their son. So she's using the birthday as a manipulative tool to make my DH feel guilty.

I think discussions about SS have to be between his parents. Especially discussions in regards who wants to see who and when.

I like DD's SM, she is fine, but no way I am going to discuss wiht her why X sees or does not see DD. How is it even SM's problem?

Whatever bothers BM she needs to discuss with DH, not you. I don't know if it is OK for DH to have adult night or it is better to have it wiht SS. I guess it depends on how often DH sees the kid etc. But whatever it is, BM needs to call DH and talk about it. If she starts fights with DH every time YOU say something wrong to her, then I do not understand why do you talk to her? If she calls, save the message and forward to DH.

You are trying to talk logic with the illogical. What you say makes no difference because you aren't speaking the same language. Of course DH can't bail on work because he wants to sled. You all know this and you want to defend him, but what is the point? You are right in not making plans over mom's time for SS to be with you, but since she wants you to take him off her hands that is also 'wrong.' You can't win with those who think only of themselves unless you are also thinking only of that person and their wants, so why even try? Let DH take the calls - bets are she won't pull the same crap with him, or not as bad.

"I don't know if it is OK for DH to have adult night or it is better to have it wiht SS. I guess it depends on how often DH sees the kid etc"

They share 50-50 custody of their son. He is with us 2 days one week, and 5 the next.

Lovehadely.
I dont know if it was my SD idea or both her and Bm...but last year i planned a romantic weekend for Valentines day. Had a babysitter for my son to enjoy the night. It also was not my Dh's weekend tohave his kids.
Well guess what? SD calls 10 days in advance to swap weekends from the weekend comign tothe next that would fall on our plans. My Husband said no, i dont swap weekends...everytime i did your mother would always argue or find something...And no i will not swap valentine weekends.
She said' oh you dont want me on that weekend because it valentines and you dont love me' My Dh's repsond...' no i love you very much, i do not swap weekends. Your mother and I agreed to no more favors because we always fought. My weekend with you is comign this friday and not the next. And oh yes, if your mom has made plans and is trying to use you by guilting me its nto working. Tell your mother to get her own babysitter for her own romantic weekend. oh ysh,,,and another thing , did you tell your mother that you dont love her because you want to go with dad that weekend????"
Well, my sd got a dose of her own medicine. You see these are the little incidents that i see my husband having ot constantly correct. We are tired of it but i'm glad my dh handles it quite well and that he's not a rug.
Tha's what my SM said to me, be lucky that your husband sees his kids tactics and the ex wife and puts them in their place.
Like everyone has said and I, ignore her and just cut her off and say speak to your ex hubby on that and say goodbye.

Maria, that sounds so familiar! I think these kinds of BM are all the same. They use the same manipulative tactics over and over.

We are also having Valentine's issues. BM and her DH are already married (they went to the justice of the peace pretty much b/c the GAL told her it would look good for the court case) but they're planning another ceremony and reception for Valentine's Day. This just all came together about 3 months ago. They have NO money and who knows it this will even happen---but that's another story.

Anyway, V-Day is BM's weekend and that works great b/c SS is obviously in the wedding. Well, get this---she got into it with DH a few weeks ago because she wants him to come pick their son up FROM the reception at 11 pm.

The kicker is--she has her 1 year old and already HAS a sitter hired for the baby. The sitter is going to be at the reception and plans on taking the baby back to the house around 10ish. So why can SS not just be with the sitter? Because she doesn't want to have to pay the sitter for TWO kids.

And this is somehow my DH's problem.

This is the first Valentine's Day DH and I have been able to celebrate together in 3 years! The last THREE years it has always fallen on a day that we had his son. We've had some nice V-days with our kids in the past, but it's not the same as being able to go out and celebrate as a couple.

It is also our first Valentine's as a married couple. We didn't take a honeymoon, so a couple months ago, when we realized V Day is on a Saturday this year and it's a weekend we don't have SS-- we got a sitter for my DD, made reservations at a very nice restaurant we NEVER go to, and booked a hotel room downtown. We haven't done something like that since New Year's Eve 3 years ago.

So DH told BM sorry, we have plans, and she wanted to know who was watching my DD. DH told her we had a sitter and then BM had the audactity to ask if that sitter could come pick SS up from the reception at 11 pm??? Keep in mind, this reception place is a good 45 mins from our house! So, yeah, I'll just tell my sitter to load my DD in the car at 11 pm and drive 45 mins each way....I DON'T THINK SO.

But then, of course, it wound up being this big argument with BM accusing DH of not pulling his weight with his son, blah blah blah.

DRAMA.

Oh my good GAWD that is ballsy! I love how some parents feel they can just shove their responsibilities onto someone else when they aren't convenient for them, but God forbid you ask the same of them sometime!

SD's mom would do the same type of things, and it just boiled my blood. Finally DH flat told her that if her amount of visitation was too much or too difficult we would have it lowered to something she could handle on her own. Somehow, she was able to make all these impossible situations possible all of a sudden . . . it's not too often she requests (gives us no choice but to comply) something way out of our way.

Its not so much that they are all BM or exwives...to me a title means nothing..its the fact these types of HUMANS, act like others are at their beck and call whenever it suites them! THey are self centered and selfish and when they do not get their way, its always someone else fault.
Tell your DH to keep to his guns and stick it out and tell her its her weekend. No one is going to pick up SS at 11pm...her baby sitter will take their son home with her new baby and if this doens't happen then tell her the police will be over at the ceremony to charge her with neglect of her son.
Its her time and she is responsible! She is his mother.
She's a real B if you ask me.
She can't refuse her son because he's obviously part of the ceremony so she can't say she wotn take him...so...send him off for the weekend and cut all communications. Tell your sister she is not to answer the phone. And how about this...your DD stays at your sisters house and your house will be locked, lights closed and no one home.
Your Dh can tell her, ss going to mom's for the weekend. will come pick him up sunday. That's final or i will charge your for neglect with police assistance.
I'm sure she will not want the police at her wedding.:)

Sounds like BM in your case has some serious issues. I'll bet BM is more concerned about their son being with your DH on his birthday than your SS is...especially since you have a nice party scheduled for tonight with everyone.

In a case such as this I would say don't give her details. She doesn't need to know the when's and why's...If she calls and starts in with the guilt trip of "SS is wanting to sled with Dad SOOO badly" I would say "I can understand that but Dad had to work today" and leave it at that. Of course she may come in with "But WHY can't he take off for his child???" Give her the same answer..."I'm sorry, but Dad had to work today." I say this because she will likely explain away all of your reasons for him not taking the day off. If you take the extra effort to fill her in on all of the details going on in your lives she's likely just going to keep on pushing. Keep it short and simple. "We have plans for this weekend but we ARE having a very nice celebration on Thursday with everyone." When she comes back with "But WHY doesn't he want his child on his birthday???" just repeat yourself..."We have plans." IF she comes back with "Are those plans more important than his child?" you can always say "Of course not! That is why we are having a big ole shindig on Thursday!" See how that works? Big circle...few details...and what else can she say?