I'm not going to criticize your behavior. Obviously, you know what you've done wrong.

You will probably never make things right with his children. There's nothing you can do about them, except hope that they move on with their lives. They are adults and hopefully, they will stop spying and live their own life. Your DH should be the one to tell them to stop spying on him and he could also tell them to stay out of his business. Even though you say they seem to have forgiven him, he may still feel guilty and may be reluctant to tell them anything. It's really up to him. They will probably never see you as anything more than a homewrecker, regardless of whether he left because of you or other problems in his marriage. You will likely have to deal with that forever.

If you are seeing your husband as "cold" now, it suggests to me that you aren't communicating well. That is what you do have some control over. If you want your marriage, you have to open up communication with your husband and deal with this issue that has been brought up again. If he truly forgave you and he trusts you, then he should be more upset with his kids for resurrecting it. He probably feels like he's in the middle, but he put himself there.

As to the kids hacking the dads email, of course that was wrong. But I assume that while it might not be their business, as to Dads finances, it could legitmately be moms (did this happen before final decree?). That being said, I think you have to let that go, and accept they hacked and disclsoed info to their mom. As to prior affair, they may regard that as reason not to trust you, and felt that should be disclosed to mom similiarly. While you might not agree, I think you have to accept and move forward.

As to future spying, if they are hacking into his account, that is his concern. He can change passwords, etc. Up to him. As to hacking into your email, etc., you should change passwords, etc. To make legal complaint seems difficult, as it seems that you seem unclear as to how they find about earlier affair (could be someone else hurt by affair told them or something on Dads email?).

As to going forward, and him being cold, you should talk to him. I think it is a big assumption that he is upset with kids for bringing it up, as Ima indicates. He may be feeling guilty regarding situation, and has second thoughts. I agree with Ima that he is to blame also, but I think blaming kids is not taking responsibility for adultery or the affair while married and with your current SO.

End of the day, change your passwords, etc., talk to DH, and accept that the stepchildren will likely not ever view you positively.

I didn't say he was upset with his kids for bringing it up, I said "he should be more upset with his kids for resurrecting it". And if he is bothered by having to deal with it again, as it's something that happened three years ago and is now being brought up again, it's unnecessary. (and it isn't their mom's business what she did three years before) By ages 28 & 32, they should be focused on their own lives, not spying on dad and trying to keep the fire going. And there is no excuse EVER for someone to hack into someone else's email. If it was before the divorce decree, it's up to her to get her own info on his finances, there's an entire process called discovery that allows that. The kids were WRONG no matter how you look at it.

Yes, there is a process called discovery and many women dont have the money or the sophistication. If the children are 28 and 32 and Dad is just recently divorced, it seems like a long term marriage to me, and the kids may feel for mom.

All this being said, it really doesnt matter what you and I think, its what dad thinks that is important. And if he is feeling guilty re adultery versus bothered by having to deal with it, that is a distinction. You and I dont know how he feels, and unless OP talks to him (and even then it is going to be tough), she wont know. Frankly, if he were truly over it, I dont think he would be incredibly bothered. He might be bothered by financial disclosures.

You said "he probably feels he is in the middle" -- you and I dont know that -- I think he may feel quilty. Again, they have to talk.

You and I may disagree with what is more critical - the adultery or the email hacking. I think OP complaining about the email is going to be conterprodutive, and she should change her passwords and let Dad deal with his own. Fixating on her being wronged on the emails is not a path that I see as workable or equitable.

the obvious answer as I see it was for her to communicate with her husband, and that is what I suggested. As to his feelings, that's only speculation on my part because like you said, only he knows what he's thinking and it doesn't seem like he's talking to her about it.

However, I was only responding to your insinuation that his ex may have a legitimate right to the information the kids might have found when they hacked and my point is that the kids were wrong, wrong, wrong for hacking. Mom has no business knowing anything the kids found out with their snooping. period.

I agree, that isn't the critical issue but don't make excuses for their wrong behavior. Their behavior is not that uncommon, whether there was adultery or not. Grown kids that choose to stay involved in their parent's problems are going to end up with issues of their own in regard to relationships. I would think all of this would be affecting the 16 year old more, since he has to live with it. The others should be making their own life and even if they feel that loyalty to their mom, she should be telling them not to worry about her. My kids have tried to take my side if they think I'm being wronged and I appreciate their concern, but I tell them that I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself. It's not the child's place to worry about the parents (except maybe when the parents are elderly and really do need care).

I have to agree with Ima - the kids may not ever warm to you. But they should be treating you with decency.

I'm going to assume that you and DH don't 'gunnysack' the kids (bringing up past wrongs when they aren't the issue at hand) or poke your noses into their personal lives. So I don't think it would be unreasonable for DH to tell the kids that any problems, past or present, between you and he are strictly between you and he. They have no business prying into the present and DEFINITELY no business bringing up the past.

You seem to know that you can't go back and change what happened in the past, all you can do is move forward in what you have now. If you two can do this as a couple about your infidelity AND the kids being awful, with any luck the kids will follow suit.
So, again I agree with Ima, try to communicate with your DH about all this, try to move past all the kids' wrongs with him. Emotional retreat is probably the WORST thing you could do in this case. This dredging up of the past has probably brought out a lot of his old emotions and he's probably finding it hard to trust you or open up to you right now, even though he has forgiven you. Showing how you feel and how much you care about him is probably the only thing that will warm him back up again.

Ima, OP asked for advice. She has to live with this situation. If she wants to fixate on the emails, she should go for it. But if she wants to recognize what the reasons might have been behind this, and try to figure out what to fix and how to go forward she might want to think about what was in the other persons head.

And yes I feel terrible for her own 16 year old.

Unfortunatly this situation is going to be very difficult. Put yourselves in the childrens shoes. It sounds like their parents were together over 30 years and along you come and they divorce. Of course the children will be cold to you and even spy on you. If I were them I might think that you came into the situation for money and I would look into your finances or read e-mails. It may not be right, but the situation started out so wrongly anyways.

I am a stepparent, and usually am able to see the stepparents side in issues. But with this one I have to say that you made your bed and now you must lie in it. Your dh may have forgiven your other affair in the past, but now that it has become public knowledge it may be a lot harder to deal with. He is probably embarrassed.

Like KKNY said, change passwords. Bringing up what skids are doing wrong (hacking, etc.) is not going to help your situation, just cause more trouble. You really need to talk to your dh about your own issues and not harp on his kids, they have been hurt most in all of this.

Everyone, thank you for your responses thus far. Great advise. Regarding my 16 YO - he has no idea that these things are going on. We have always kept up a happy front and trust me when I tell you my son KNOWS tough times (when we were with his dad). My husband and I ALWAYS present a positive and united front. So, in terms of the one child at home - no worries. Further more, my husband and I never, ever raise our voices at one another. Thank goodness.

I'm really glad to hear that you two don't fight in front of your 16yo.
Our parents never fought in front of us. I sometimes knew that they were in a disagreement and they would problem-solve in front of us, but never raised voices, namecalling, or anything like that.
That gave me a very calm and rational approach to disagreements - if what you want to say to your spouse is too mean to say in front of your sister, father or child, you shouldn't say it at all.
Good work!

I agree with the previous poster "helpwiththis". I think that perhaps your husband was willing to forgive your affair when it was between you two. But having to deal with infidelity publicly adds an element of embarassment to it that he had not yet had to process...he may be re-processing the whole thing now.

The kids are likely concerned for both their parents. While I cannot say that as an adult, I would be that deep in my parents business, I would most certainly be concerned about my father if I learned of the affair. There does appear to be a distinct pattern emerging. As a person who has suffered the pain of infidelity, just when you think you are over it...a wave of insecurity and mistrust will sneak up on you here and there. There is truly nothing more painful that I can think of. While the old addage "once a cheater, always a cheater" may not apply to you...it bears watching.

Counseling may help open the channels of communication and get inside your head to deal with...why infidelity? Problem solving may have the added bonus of making him feel more secure.

Why did I,

My X left me after 25+ years of marriage. Obviously at the end our marriage wasnt the greatest - at least to him. My guess is my X probably said the same type things to his GF that your SO said to you. X left me for the younger (but not young, just younger) woman he met through work and had an affair with. I may be the oposite side to you. Dads GF improved her life also, like you, and improved it for her children. But my DD sees the situation, and I doubt she will ever be friends with Dads GF (even if they were to get married).

Does she hack into emails? No. Does it make the sitution for dad's GF any different from yours? I doubt it. There is a lack of trust, and while no outright warfare as far as know, no relationship. While you see the email hacking as the larger issue, it may not be to the children or even the dad. The discussion of the affair may be an embarrsment to the Dad, and it may be more. When I was discussing property settlement with my X, and trust for DD, I said to him, his GF had shown she could not be trusted, as no woman, especially a mother, with any integrity, would have an affair with a married man with children. He did not disagree.

You may be a lovely and ethical person -- but what the adult children see is rather different. From the perspective of the adult children, they went from "Parents are married, all is well, I'm focusing on my life which is just getting started and really interesting" to "Dad's having an affair with a married woman! Now he's divorcing Mom! Oh no - now he's marrying the homewrecker!" They're upset, angry, worried about both their parents. And probably mad as anything at having to worry about that particular set of problems at that time of their lives.

Unless BioMom was awful and the kids knew it, they're probably biased toward her side of the divorce. Dad leaving Mom for a younger woman is a familiar cliche... And it's not easy for a woman to start over in her mid-50's, as I'm guessing she probably is. And financially, the most productive earning years for both her and Dad will have already passed. So whatever financial security they built up together will abruptly have been cut in half if not much worse. Bottom line, your arrival on the scene was the *apparent* cause of the near-total destuction of their mother's life. The real cause? You say not -- and perhaps you're right. But to the kids, it probably sure looks like your fault. You're certainly a convenient scapegoat.

So they don't like you, and they don't trust you. And they may not trust Dad anymore either (his competance or his trustworthiness, or both). So they snoop. And the more they snoop, the more reason they find not to trust you. Vicious circle. Of course they're going to tell Mom & Dad about it! And of course Dad's now going to be angry and embarassed. It's all pretty logical and predictable...

But deflecting your anger and embarassment to the kids for their snooping isn't going to help. A lot of kids would have snooped under similar circumstances. In fact, if I had reason to believe my Mom was being taken advantage of, I can't say I wouldn't snoop, and I can't be sure she wouldn't want me to under the circumstances.

Dad knows what happened -- let him handle it however he sees fit.

As to how to deal with things yourself, if the occasion comes up, you might consider telling the kids that everyone makes mistakes at some point in their lives, and that they know about yours. And that if a person's mistakes are the only thing you know about a person, that you'll never get a fair or accurate picture of that person. That yes, your mistakes are things you've done -- but that they don't define the person you are. (Then cross your fingers and be gracious.)

To KKNY and anyone else that feels like passing judgment -

Here is the thing - all of us reach out through these types of forums trying to get ideas, information, and solutions. However, in one short day, I see negativity and anger and lots and lots of judgment. It is IMPOSSIBLE to get the WHOLE story here so it is easy, I am sure, to misunderstand and make snap judgments based upon your own situations, life experiences, etc. However -

Let me be very clear here. I was in a violent and abusive marriage for twelve years. I finally got the courage to move out but had not yet actually made the move as I was trying to work it out in the best way possible for my young child. Furthermore, I had NO support system at all. My husband walked into my life and it was very easy to sit and talk to him about my issues, his issues, and his loneliness after having been married to a woman that did not love him for 30 years, etc. I had NO idea if he was financially well off at all until LONG after we were a committed couple. Trust me when I tell you, he and his wife split and she ended up with a HUGE sum of money. More than most of us will ever see in a lifetime. I did not get anything out of marrying him other than him (and he is WONDERFUL in every way). I signed a pre-nup that is lean to say the least. I will walk away with what I came in with - basically. I have no financial gain here. I work to support myself and my son. My husband works to pay for our house but also to support his Ex in the style to which she was use to (California law - especially if she NEVER worked a day in her life!!).

In addition, I am not necessarily upset about the email hacking (although I see that a bunch of folks have picked up on that). I am simply upset that a child would do that to a parent. Not to mention that it is AGAINST THE LAW. The kids are here to stay, I just wanted to try to gain some insight as to how to minimize the issues and make nice. I want to do my very best to be the best wife, mother and person I can be. I have been a good girl for a long time now - therapy, meds and lots of support and love have helped me. (Grew up in a family where I did not have a dad, mom did not love or give a crap about me, etc. blah, blah, blah) - I AM a good person that made some mistakes.

Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones - So, for all of you that have made a mistake in their lives - PUT DOWN THE ROCK.

Why,

I am sorry you had a tough life. But just to refresh, you said ==

"Here is the bigger problem - they are way too involved in our personal life. Long story short, they have hacked their fathers email, discovered private financial information, disclosed information to their mother that is none of her business, etc., etc. The biggest problem is that three years ago I had a VERY brief interlude with a co-worker of mine. My S.O. found out about it, we worked through the issue and have moved on. Well, the 'kids' seem to know about this (via spying, etc.)and not only do they know, but they told their mother. "

You talk about minimizing issues, and realizing that you made a mistake, but I am not certain what that means to you.

Fantastic. You confirmed my greatest fear about this site. There are definitely some (and YES you are one) that are rude, insensitive, and certainly holier-than-thou.

Marriages end. Kids feel betrayed and sad. People move on. This is life people. Everyone will have experiences that are challenging we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and get on with it.

Although I have expressed some frustration with the children (that IS why I came here in the first place), NO ONE knows about accepting and letting go more than I.

That said, thank you to all of the nice and kind folks that responded. I appreciate your help. When all was said and done reading people comments and such was more emotionally draining than the issue I started with. That is all. I am out, never to return

Dear Why,

I am sorry you feel that way. I feel even sorrier for the stephcildren. I dont see you trying to deal with problems you helped create. You say you have been a good girl. But apparently that includes not only sleeping with a married man, but an additional man during that affair.

What I find perplexing about this site is all the SMs who talk about children not taking responsiblity, but apparently it is OK for SMs to not take responsiblity. This is like a person who gets caught speeding, and then says there are no relations between that and an accident and blames it on bad luck. Maybe it was luck and maybe not, but the speeder is in a tough position, and is not going to be trusted by the policeman. And yet all I see OP doing is complaining about the kids email hacking. Blamin others. I dont see you willing to forget the email.

And as to financial aspects, it appears tha tOP is living in house paid for by DH, while she pays for her and her childs expenses -- so there is a financial gain -- which I suspect children see. Not that this drove anything, but it is there.

I suspect what is draining is dealing with the same accusations that drive the chidlren.

Yes, everyone has bad experiences. But at the end of the day, it is not just about bad experiences. It is about trust. What I see is you have to earn it back. It wont be easy. I dont see you willing to deal with the situation you helped create and earn it back.

Yes we have all made mistakes. I did not mean to be harsh in my previous post, but the reality of your situation is that it started off poorly for your skids. Getting them to like you is going to be tough, if even possible because of how things started.

When my uncle cheated on my aunt after 20 years of marriage it was my cousins who uncovered the affair. They found the love notes and brought them to my aunt. When my aunt and uncle divorced my teenage cousins wanted nothing to do with their father. It has been 2 years and they still will not talk to their father, though my aunt has not talked badly about their father in front of them or discussed the divorce with them. They just feel their moms pain and saw her anguish after her whole world fell apart. They will probably never fully forgive their father and I can see how they are sympathetic to their mother.

The skids in your situation are probably in the same situation. They hate what their father did to their mother, and in their mind it is easier to put all the blame on you then to admit their father was wrong as well and hate him. Also, with uncovering mistakes you have made they may feel that they can use this info to get their parents back together.

Look - You admitted your mistakes up front. That's a start.
But then you started back-pedaling, minimizing and defending...

Anyway - admitting your mistakes does not absolve you for them. It doesn't make his kids 'forgive and forget' which is what you seem to think they should do.

Why should they do that?

Your actiions contributed to a very visible degree (perhaps much less than it appears, but certainly a very visible degree) to their past and current unhappiness, and expecting them to forgive you and accept you simply may not be realistic.

Am I judging you? MY opinion doesn't mean beans! Who cares what I think? But I can tell you that the kids are judging you and that's where it counts. You're living with the fallout of what they perceive to be your actions. To the extent their perceptions aren't accurate, you just need to ask them to take a fresh look and make 100% sure that your character and conduct from now on is above reproach.

Sweeby, thank you for saying this more eloquently than I could. I agree, it doesnt matter what I think. It matters what the stepchildren and Dad think. And unless OP can think about the situation from their viewpoint, it is going to be chilly there at best.

No it isn't all your fault. This is a new and not so nice world we are living in. Used to be kids just snooped through your cupboards and dressers and stuff and it didn't matter where you put what you didn't want them to find, they found it.

Now they snoop around on the internet, which is an imminently more fertile hunt for "the dirt".

The kids were totally WRONG for hacking the email account. Did they really hack it or did they just guess what the password was? Most people have no clue how to hack.

In the meantime their motivation was clearly to character assassinate you and embarass their father in the hopes that he may return to mother, which of course won't happen, but they are too immature to know the full impact of what they have really done.

If it is any consolation, just wait until their children grow up and spy on them in even deeper ways. And, they will be calling foul like you never saw.

Talk to your husband. If he forgave you BEFORE you were married, certainly he can forgive you now.

In reality his children humiliated him, and he knows that I am sure. Would be tough to take that. And it is likely the children have no clue of how permanently they have altered their relationship with him.

I feel this pain also.

I had relationship with SO after his marriage was dead, and now SD thinks I am scum of the earth. She will do anything she can to break up marriage -- and I suspect BM is behind this.

Fortunately she is rarely at our hosue and life is fine when she isnt here.

I know it will be hard, but do what you can to keep the sd and fathers relationship in tact. I know that right now you are angry with skids for their snooping and butting into your dh and your life (it was very wrong on their part), but keep in mind they have been hurt and they are retaliating at what they think is the cause (you). I am sure for your dh to cheat on and leave his ex that things were not going well, and if you had not come along things may have ended anyways. But, just try to keep in mind that you are partially at fault for this situation and cut your skids some slack. Also, if you try to complain to dh about his kids too much it may eventually cause waves in your marriage.

It is quite possible that they are not trying to get their parents back together (not that there is anything wrong with that goal), just because they chose to expose the "interlude."

As Colleen pointed out, hacking takes a lot of talent. It is far more likely that they figured out (or knew) their father's password. A lot of people use passwords that are ridiculously simple to guess - like their birthday. My kids all know my password, so they can check my email for me if I don't have access to it for some reason. Of course I rarely have anything more interesting in my email than spam about enlarging various body parts.

As I was just reading tos point about her e-mails not being interesting I was thinking that my e-mails are pretty boring as well. Why would you e-mail information about your affairs to start with? Remember that anything on the internet can be tracked or read, so private/personal info should be saved for face to face contact.

Tough situation. I do understand how kids feel. I would feel bad if my dad would have affair and leave my mom. At the same time I think there is a huge difference between feeling bad and violating parental privacy. I think no matter how upset grown children are, they have to get their own life and stop snooping. It is much healthier to tell your parents how you feel about their affair than spying. You don't have to like what your parents did and you don't have to like stepparents, but you do have to maintain some decency: snooping is nasty.

I think many of us have issues with stepchildren not respecting boundaries. When this has happened to me (borrowing makeup etc), I tell FDH it has to stop. Fortunately this has resulted in him taking SDs key away from her so she can come over when he isnt home.