Is there hope for me?


Hi All,

Found this forum and thoguht it would be a good place to vent. Sorry for the long read, but hopefully someone here can help me.

I am 30 years old, and for some reason, I just can not find anyone out there for a companion.

All my life, I have looked forward to meeting someone, settling down, and having a family. The problem is, I just can not find anyone.

I have tried everything from the online dating services - I have gotten many first dates from those sites, but they either see me and decide they don't want to go any further, or I don't like them for whatever reason. I even went so far as to join a dating service that cost me over $900 - that was 4 years ago, and I had no sucess.

I learned very early on that going to a bar, I am NOT going to meet the type of girl I want to meet. Several years back, I even joined the singles group at my church in town, but I was 23 at the time and everyone there was in there 40's and older.

I just don't understand why I can not find a girl out there who wants to give me a chance.

What makes things even more depressing, is that everyone else in my family is either involved in a relationship that they have been in for years, or married and starting their families. My cousin, who is 4 years younger than me, married 4 years ago and had his first baby over a year ago. Another cousin, who is only 22, has been involved with the same guy for over 2 years, and the way they are talking, THEY will end up married soon.

I just came back from my Grandfather's funeral, where I saw realatives I have not seen in years, and I must tell you, it was very depressing seeing that every single one of them was married or involved in a relationship of some sort, and then there is me, still single, at 30.

My 10 year high school reunion was 2 years ago, and after seeing everyone who signed up on the website, and seeing how they were all married, had kids, ETC. it just made me so depressed that I didn't bother to go. When I looked this far ahead to where I thought I'd be right now back in 1996, I pictured myself married, owning a house, and having 2 or 3 kids.

But for some reason, no matter how hard I try, it just has not happened that way.

People tell me I am being too picky, but I want to find that special someone who I will be married to forever.

I need someone in my life who I can talk to, who understands me, and the way I feel about things.

I have virtually NO ONE in my life that I can talk to, and feel comfortable, who will actually understand me. WHY, I have no idea, I have just never found such a friend, but let me tell you, it sure would be nice to be able to talk about what I have been through over the years and be able to cry on someone's shoulder (Yes, some men do that, LOL)

I just don't know how to go about it anymore. I don't have a whole lot of self confidence to begin with, but a factor that's also not helping me any is that I weigh 350 pounds, and not may girls like people like that.

Everyone keeps telling me to just hang in there and I'll eventually find someone. but when? I have lived here now for the last 9 years, and have not even remotely come close to hitting it off with anyone I feel comfortable with. It's like they just see me and run.

I really just feel lke no one wants me in this world. I moved over 1500 miles away from my home to be with my 2 sisters, who never really accepted me the way I thought they would, and here I am 9 years later, with no chance of any type of companionship anywhere in sight.

Why this has to be my life I will never know, but hopefully someone, somewhere, can give me some advice.

Comments (11)
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Katie S

My heart goes out to you. It can be especially hard being the "single one" when holidays come around and other events which remind you that so many others are coupled off. There are many, many lonely people in the world, though. Your weight will be a turn-off to some, but for other women, especially those who also struggle with their weight, it won't make much of a difference. I am assuming you are not ruling out those women! You know, the best way to meet people is to be involved with things that interest you. For example, volunteering at an animal shelter. Another way two of my friends have found their lifelong mates is by joining a weight loss support group-- good for your body as well-- and there are usually far mroe women than men. Try the singles group at church again. Try anything at a church or a club you are interested in.

Now this part of my reply might seem harsh. I am saying this only because you asked for advice, and I don;t mean to hurt your feelings. In your letter I also see a lot of whining. Your weight would not be a turn-off for me, but your attitude might. What your letter leaves out is what you have to offer to the woman.

Are you neat and clean, helpful and kind? Those are the biggies. Here's the BEST way to be attractive to a girl: keep your clothes and your body neat and clean. Shower every single morning or not. Brush your teeth. Get your hair cut once a month. Get some new shoes and wear shirts with collars.

What do you do? Whatever your job is, take it seriously. Be on time time and do your best. Volunteer work of nay kind is a wonderful thing to do-- and you should pick something you genuinely care about. You mention liking kids-- how about volunteering with kids? You can be a CASA volunteer (Court Appointed Special Advocate) or Big Brother. Or spend some hours with the youth group at your church or at a boys and girls club. (Are you ruling out single moms? There are a lot of us out there!)

Now here is the very most important part: Smile and look people in the eye when you meet them. Ask how they are doing and MEAN it. Do you know how many women out there would LOVE to have a nice guy like you look them in the eye and really care how they feel? That's how women feel a connection: we feel valued and cared about. Be interesting to them by being a genuinely nice guy who tries to do his part in the world. Feel good about yourself because you have something to offer that is exactly what most women are looking for! Good luck!

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Sonic, I have to agree with Skatiero. Size doesn't matter as much as kindness, cleanliness, and genuine caring.

Do what you love. Volunteer. Get out in the community. I know a lot of women who are with larger men. It doesn't seem to bother them. Many women I know would rather go out with a bigger man than a twig-man.

Going to diet clubs/weight loss groups is a good idea. Full of women!!! Get a dog, and go on walks. That's a good way to meet women. Make sure the dog is super cute though, something they'd want to pet!!

Practice paying attention to people. You're right about the bars, they're lousy places to meet people. Take a dancing class, many don't have enough guys. Learn to dance, start volunteering, and you'll find there are a lot of women out there looking for the same things you are.

Best of luck,

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Those previous posters gave great advice. I was a member of weight watchers for many years and they are FULL of nice woman! It can be hard being alone but 30 in my opinion is still young for a guy to be single. Also, there is no need to wait for a mate to do some of the things you mentioned like buying a house. Maybe you should consider a move back home if you are that lonely where you are. I hope also you do consider dating women that are close to your size. If your friends say you are too picky are YOU? I know when I used to date many many men would turn me down just based on my "few" extra pounds...and I mean I am not a plus size just a little extra like 20 pounds. But I would date all sizes of men and even some of the heavy( much more so than me) would not date me saying I was too heavy! It blew me away......Best of luck!

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Couple of things - but a long read...

Getting a dog can be a big responsibility, but I recently got a dog and I can't tell you the number of people I have met. It was early Fall so it was daylight later at night - more people were out, and everyone spoke. I missed my regular time for a few weeks because of work schedule, but one day as I was walking, one of the guys with a BIG dog that my tiny one loved to play with, actually called out to speak to me! I was so surprised. The other thing about that - I began to shed a few pounds with the walking. I actually enjoy it too.

The other thing - I was married for 26 years to an overweight guy. The divorce had nothing to do with his weight. Actually we are still great friends now. It was trying because he, like you, was concerned about his weight. That always seemed to drive his emotions (although he never said anything about it, until now). All things considered, he is the most solid person in my life, and everyone loves him. He has those days when his emotions get in the way, but the one thing he does have, that everyone loves, is his smile. He laughs A LOT, which has been contagious. I say this to emphasize the fact that if you laugh, the whole world laughs with you. If you frown, you do that alone. It will happen for you. Keep an open mind.

It isn't always the weight problem. I haven't really found anyone - I have "friends", but I'm not really dating. I'm a few pounds over the limit myself, and that is probably the reason. But, the other thing, life these days is just so fast paced and no one seems to take the time to court and spend time to cultivate that special relationship. One thing - don't over accentuate that you are looking (desparate to meet someone); don't try too hard. Also, as they have told women so often over the years, don't look for Ms. Right. Don't talk about yourself a lot - at least at first. A woman will eventually ask what she wants to know if you just give her some hints to help beg the questions. One thing - women will go after something that she can't have (like that pair of shoes instead of paying that bill). Be helpful, but don't be needy. And, one thing, DON'T be a great listener, like a shoulder to cry on, because that's what you'll end up being to her; much like a big brother. If a woman talks about her problems a lot, be polite, but don't sit on the phone for hours listening to that stuff. That sounds harsh, especially coming from a women. But you need to be tough sometimes too - that "bad boy" image does help sometimes. It goes back to that, "wanting something you shouldn't have" theory. If you are good at something, find places to do that, especially if women are around. Then, do it, and leave. If you do it enough times, you'll be noticed, and that can sometimes spark a conversation.

Make a few changes to boost your image, as someone here has said. Whether you need to or not, just the change may apark a change in your stride - like when a woman buys a new pair of shoes. Try wearing a different style shirt or jacket, or shoes. Take a different route to work. Things like that may boost your spirits. Have you ever thought about moving back? If you say nothing has happened, maybe it wasn't that great an idea to move. That being said, don't move back just to find someone, either. I'm just throwing out ideas. BUT, if you do move or get another job, or take a new way to work/church, etc., do it for yourself. Confidence brings security to someone else. If you can exhibit a comfortable confidence, you will be attractive to someone else.

My best to you. The new year is coming and who knows...

BUT, don't expect that on Jan 1, you will start a new life, with a goal to meet someone. Your goal should be to enjoy life, and enjoy yourself. When you are happy, she will notice!! If you can, try having a small get-together at your place, with some close friends that you trust. New Year's Eve might be a good time. An impromptu small party may breed another small party. Who knows, someone you know might tell someone that is also looking, and bring her. Fun is the word!! Just make sure your place looks like you are in control - clean, neat, and a few selective conversation pieces. They don't have to be expensive. Check out "Queer Guy" on TV (they have some great ideas sometimes), or those other "home" shows, for a few ideas if you can't think of any. You don't need to go too far outside your comfort zone - just fake it till you make it. Be honest though. If you find someone, you don't want her to find out that you are a fake when you can't always live up to that fake image. You want to have just a little bit of an edge to get you noticed.

Happy Holidays and good luck!!


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Sonic, let me first say: I have three bio-sons and the first son was 35 when he married, the middle was 32 and my youngest is 34 and still not married - they are all very normal men! I have an 18-year old stepson - I pray he doesn't get married until he's at LEAST 40 - he is so not grown up yet!

Mary (Knee) and the other posters have hit you with some SUPER ideas - read each one carefully and see if you can work their ideas into your life.

Most importantly, since you aknowledge that you have a low self-esteem because of your weight, DO SOMETHING about it - start walking, cutting down on your food intake, and as soon as you lose about 20 pounds, people will notice and begin asking you how you did it - BINGO - conversation starter.

Best of luck - come back and let us know how you are doing!

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Couldn't agree more, Jo. Dropping that weight in a healthy way is so much of an upper. You feel better and you tend to keep the weight off. Diets are not as good for you as changing your nutritional habits. Try some new food ideas, and of course, as I mentioned above, walking is a huge way to loose weight. You can trust me on that one. I just didn't keep it up and began sitting in the car or at a desk all day. Now I'm shaped that way - LOL.

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Lose the weight not for anyone else, but for you. Buy that house not for anyone else, but for you.

Forget about having a pity party and get busy with living your life. You will soon find that you will find that special person just for YOU.

And I am sure you are everyone's best friend and you are so helpful when it comes to problem solving. It is your turn now to be your own best friend.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh but you need to take control of your life and live it to the fullest.

BTW, thirty is still a young man and you have plenty of time to have those children and that great wife and gorgeous home.

Your not picky, you probably just know what you want, so go get her. Your so lucky to know what you are looking for, so many people do not.

Good luck to you.

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If you are heavy it will be a problem. I have a friend who probably weighs 300lbs and she wouldn't date anyone as heavy as she is. But she keeps right on looking for someone that will accept her weight. She has a wonderful personality, she's a sharp dresser, a good house keeper and has a new home, but no one can get past the weight. Anyone would be lucky to have my friend if they would just look beyond the outer appearance. I am single and love it. If I were you I would pay attention to the quiet ladies that kind of hang back. Forget the outward looks and look at their personality.

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Hi sonic95

You are stuck because no-one has ever taught you the critical factors that apply to relationship success from the male perspective.

When you do understand, you will be amazed.

Here is what females want and even though they notice good looks, the following is what they respond to more at the emotional level:

"Females are hard-wired to respond at the emotional level, to guys who are genuinely confident in their own masculinity, who are mentally and emotionally tough, who do not display the slightest shred of neediness or desperation in their lives, who know what they want and are confidently explicit about it, who are not inhibited or controlled by the agendas of other people, who know how to flirt and be tastefully risqué, who present as confidently sexual and who demonstrate by way of their social intelligence and high level of interpersonal savvy, that they are capable of taking the lead in the relationship arena."

All of this is within you if you are prepared to do the hard yards in order to bring it out.

I recommend that you bite the bullet and get some coaching.

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I realize that this is an old post, and I hope the young man's situation has improved. He sounded depressed. However, to all who say looks don't matter, that being extremely overweight is not a factor in the dating world, I think we need to be honest here. Being overweight, most people don't find terribly attractive, unfortunately. Aside from that, its very unhealthy. Getting on a diet and fitness regimen would do wonders for him, forget dating for the moment, just to be taking control of your health and weight, as he gets in better health and shape, he is going to feel better, and be more confident and that is going improve not only his romantic life, but life in general. When we feel good about ourselves, it shows and that is very attractive.

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any luck yet?

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