I'm very sorry to hear your story. Bad parents leave a void in your life and you have to find something to fill the void. I am a firm believer in letting stuff go that I can't change. I know that sounds simple, but it can be done. It's just a matter of occupying your mind with something else. I was married to a man for 33 years who was a good husband, but a very cold man. No hugs, kisses or any affectionate behavior. My mom gave me some very good advice. She said, "you are spending to much time thinking of his faults, spend that time thinking of his good qualities". It worked.

flyingcarrot, I totally understand. I have 2 stories to tell you. I'll keep them as short as possible. Ten yrs ago DH and I had just married, and his defiant drug using 17 yr old son, who had dropped out of school in another state, came to live with us and my 14 yr old daughter. DS brought guns into my house without my knowledge (I found out at 3 am one night when I heard him shooting outside my bedroom window, when DH was away on business, and DS said "I could shoot you"). He brought drugs into my house, with DD living there. He was totally disrespectful in everything he did and said. DH and I disagreed so much about how to handle him that DH almost rented an apartment for himself and DS to live in. After months and months of arguing/discussing back and forth, DH and I agreed that the best approach was to put DS in an apartment and pay the rent on it for 6 months, to allow him to get a job and get on his feet. Well, he would get a job and get fired within a day. Smart-mouth. This continued so long that he couldn't get another job. So we took him back. On and on it goes. Finally, after more and more of his disrespect, drug episodes, job failures, wrecked cars, etc, the final straw was when he offered drugs to DD. I threw him out on the street. I told him he could sleep in his car. And he did. It was sink or swim. He absolutely hated me when I put him out. And DH was scared to death that his son would die on the streets. So he kept in close touch with him. And he probably gave him money or food that he didn't tell me about. DS hit bottom. Well, he's 27 now, and we are more proud of him than we are of my husband's lawyer son. For the past 3 years this troubled boy has had the same job where everyone adores him, he calls us regularly, is polite and caring, tells us he loves us, and quite often thanks us for "kicking him out" as he puts it. He says he doesn't know where he'd be if we hadn't kicked him out. This one turned out great. This story is about my cousin. She began using in her late teens. She's now in her 60's. Her parents have always supported her emotionally, as parents do, because how can they not, she's their daughter. They also have always been there when she relapsed again, as users can do, again, and again, and again. At the beginning you don't know if your child will be the one who recovers or doesn't, which makes it so hard. Over all these years, they have paid for her to go to rehab over 30 times. Her grown sons do not allow her to see her grandchildren, because their own childhoods were so awful. For many, many years now she has lived with her parents, who are now in their late 80's and just about broke because of her. And she abuses them. Her sister has seen her kick her dad, and when he falls, she says she's too tired to get up and help him up. She's been convicted of drug possession and prostitution, and within the last 3 years or so she was in prison. When she's home she stays clean for a short time and then "disappears" for a while. My aunt and uncle's lives have basically been ruined for the past 45 years. I guess my point is that, at least in my cousin's case, she learned early on that her parents would always be there to take advantage of no matter what. So she has always done whatever she wants. And they keep taking her back, and she keeps relapsing, costing them money, emotional pain and anguish, and more. It's too late for them, but what if 40 years ago, after the 2nd or 3rd (or whichever) relapse, they had been able to know she wasn't going to get better? They would have been able to make an educated decision about their lives, rather than to carry on with such a cruel hopeless hope. If they had only set a limit to the number of relapses they were willing to witness and pick up after. I'm a mother too, and I know the kind of love a mother has for her daughter. It can just tear you up. I can't be sure how I would handle such a situation if it were my daughter. I'm also a grandmother and I love my granddaughter so very very much. I do know this: I would not stand by and let my daughter do something that is hurtful to her. I pray I would have strength to at some point before my life or my granddaughter's life is too negatively affected, to say enough is enough, and that my daughter is going to have to get things right. I would probably sit her down and help her work out a timeline for accomplishing goals, and then enforce it. And have a consequence/ultimatum spelled for if it isn't met. You are so right to be focused on your grandson. Now that the baby girl is in our picture and she has stolen my heart too, she trumps DD for the time being. You know why? Because she's an innocent child. So I have found my voice to DD about alot of things concerning the baby. I speak up about the baby. I think we have to speak up about the important things, whether DD appreciates us for it, or hates us for it. And your daughter's recovery is every bit your grandson's story. It's important that she be held accountable. Your post touched my heart. You will be in my thoughts and prayers every day.

Very nice thread; what a great piece of furniture you've inherited. Lovely that it dovetails so well with your style. Nothing makes me happier than to use something from someone I love. As a kid and young adult, I remember regularly trying to replace my mom's 'old' things. She never said anything, and always thanked me for the new items, but as an adult, I can now much better understand why she may have been attached to the older ones. OT - What do you use for a camera? My brother, who's a timber framer by trade (and who photographs the amazing homes he builds) gave me some great advice - set your camera to AV and play with the F Stop. I have a Canon G12; also recommend the G11 highly. Also, get some sort of camera stand. You have a wonderful palette in your home, think you'd have a lot of fun getting the best shot (know I have!). Best, oldbat2be

I didn't know my paternal grandparents. My grandpa died several years before I was born, and my grandma when I was a baby. I did know my maternal grandparents and have lots of memories. They loved to garden. The house that I remember them living in most of my life had the yard totally surrounded by mostly peonies and iris', but also tulips, ferns, and a bed of old fashioned mixed perennials. They also had a vegetable garden and a row of gooseberry bushes. I think this is where my love of gardening comes from :-) Grandpa played Slap Jack with us kids. If you don't know what that is, it's a card game where the dealer turns over one card at a time. Everyone stays ready, and if the card is a Jack, tries to 'slap' it. The person who slaps it first, wins the pile of cards. The person who wins the most cards, wins the game! Grandma made jam out of ripe gooseberries. She's the only person I ever knew who did anything with them other then make green gooseberry pie. Her cooking specialties were applesauce cake and divinity, which she made in HUGE amounts every Christmas season. She made them for all the kids (6) and grandkids (17) but not the greats (30+) every year. She'd stir up a huge batch of cake. She used applesauce as one of the 'wet' ingredients, but if she didn't have enough applesauce it didn't matter. She's just substitute some canned pears, or maybe even some tomato juice. Didn't matter what she used, it always ended up tasting like applesauce cake and was always good. And then after she poured out enough cakes from her batch of batter, she'd start adding more flour and would end up with a batch of applesauce cookies too! My mom was born in 1917 weighing only a little over 2 pounds. She was born at home and it was a miracle she lived, back in those days. I remember Grandma telling how she was up, holding on to the back of a chair, and sweeping the kitchen when Mom was only a week old. Someone stopped to visit and told her she was going to regret doing that. Grandma was in her upper 70s or maybe 80s when she was telling this story. I remember her saying she was still waiting to see when she was going to regret it!!! Grandma collected salt and pepper shakers, so she always received a lot of them as gifts. She used to put the name of the person who gave her a gift on the bottom of the item, saying 'you'll get this back some day'. We, being young, would say 'Oh Grandma...' and she'd say 'Well, I'm gonna die someday, you know!' Grandpa had emphysema. He smoked only briefly, as a young man, but somehow he ended up with emphysema. He was on oxygen full time, and confined to bed when I was in my last years of high school. When I married, at 18, he decided he was going to get himself well enough to 'walk' me down the aisle. He did it too! My mom pushed him, in his wheelchair, oxygen tank and all, and he walked me into the church and down the aisle! What a miracle! There are so many stories, but I'll stop here. I loved my Grandma and Grandpa. I still do.