Education is only part of the experience of high school. I have great high school memories because I had a great group of friends. My sister had a very unhappy high school experience because she didn't fit in. Same school, 1 year apart. This may already have been voiced above, but a few additional things to consider, which I have seen happen to other people, are the lifestyle issues and the donation issues. Specifically, will your child feel left out if they cannot afford to do the things their classmates do? I can remember being the only one of my friends in (public) high school who didn't get to go to Europe senior year (in my case it was my mother worrying rather than money, either way, I was left out). I've seen the activities and things friends' kids want. Will your child feel left out if they can't go skiing in the Alps over Christmas break? Will there be an issue if he has a beater car rather than a BMW? Another issue which I was a little surprised by was the "donation" issue. A good friend of mine has her only child in a $30k per year high school. They can easily afford it. However, the school also expects a sizable donation every year, and it keeps going up (he is in his third year). Think thousands - extra. They also do expensive things to raise money for the school, like auctions. Regarding treating kids "the same". It is very difficult. My parents didn't pay (or even help pay) for my law school because my mother didn't think they should do something for me that they were not going to do for my sister. But they weren't going to do the same for her because she wasn't going to go - she dropped out of college. I didn't argue with them about it at the time. In fact, it wasn't until after I graduated that my father even knew they didn't help. He assumed they had. My mother handled the money. So now all the money they saved my father is spending on his chi-chi girlfriend (my mother passed away). I have to admit, it irks me now. But it wouldn't have bothered me if my parents had used the money together. My in laws took the "equal" thing to a ridiculous extreme. DH was the "perfect" child. He was the oldest, and was a great student, athlete, and was very handsome (voted "best body" in high school, which we have a good giggle over). His parents wouldn't even give him praise unless they could give the same praise to his 2 younger (and less stellar) siblings. One story he mentions is when he came home with all As in all AP classes. His mother said something like, "well, Sally and Billy tried very hard to". My MIL was an early example of the dangers of praising trying as much as succeeding. His siblings learned they would get as much credit for failing as DH would get for succeeding. No one lived up to their potential as a result. I guess my point is this, you can't treat kids equally, and you can't be perfectly fair. Every kid is different.

Well, I just calmly asked DS when he got home about the math project, he started crying and said that he was afraid that if he didn't do well it would bring down his grade. I told him we'd email the teacher and ask, but I thought that this was an opportunity for extra credit, and that it wouldn't hurt his grade if he didn't do well. He agreed that it sounded interesting, and even after she emailed back that it would be graded, wouldn't tell us how much weight towards final it would be, he still thought he'd try it. We have never put much emphasis on grades, I don't know where he gets his anxiety and perfectionism from but as I said it's been from a very young age, well before school. But it's like anything he's afraid to do - once he tries it, and does well, it'll give him confidence. I told him if he doesn't do well on this project, he doesn't have to do any more "challenges" this year. I think DS did well on the tests and in school b/c we do take time to explain things to him (again from a young age), read to him (and now he reads by himself) all the time, and take the kids to places like the science museum and the art museum, not just "children's museums". Really I don't want to push him to take tests and do more work, but this was an opportunity to do a research project, gather data, analyze it, and draw conclusions from it - much more challenging and "real-world" than rote arithmetic. The teacher said that it would take the place of up to 2 nights' HW per week for the next 5 weeks, so it was not "extra" work piled on. My kids love learning and are definitely opinionated, but DS tends to be a bit "lazy" (maybe b/c he hasn't found his passion - except Pokemon?) and I'm just trying to challenge him to go beyond the bare minimum he needs to do in school - not that he does just "passing" work but it could easily slip into that as the coursework gets harder, if he doesn't get excited about *something*. If he never learns to study and research, what's he going to do in HS and college when he finds that he can't pass a test just by having done his HW up to that point? "Good enough" is good enough in some things, but there should be something that he can get passionate about (like when he was little and devoured the whole "100 Things You Should Know About..." series on his own). Maybe by extensions and modifications to the easy (boring - he never talks about school) classes he's taking now, he can *find* something to get excited about. Maybe not this year, but maybe in Jr High or HS? Maybe in a summer program? I don't know. I'm just afraid he's already gone on academic autopilot. He asked us to stop reading him bedtime stories when he was about 6-7. I have to screen a lot of the books in the Teen section of the library for him, b/c the content is too mature. But when I find a good book or series (he loves fantasy series) I get them for him. As I said, he found The Hobbit on his own, he read Narnia years ago, he's read Twain and T.H. White (was really into Merlin about 2-3 years ago). Occasionally I'll hand him a nonfiction book - he read A. Lincoln and Why Evolution is True this summer. He's still very interested in paleontology, archaeology, and astronomy, whenever I find an article in the WSJ on a new discovery or theory I point it out to him and sometimes we'll do research online to find out more. But it's not like he'll just pick up a nonfiction book on his own anymore. So I'm hoping that by requiring more research of him for his science and social studies classes, he can be motivated to explore more and maybe rekindle those interests (or find new ones) without me having to "find" interesting stuff for him. The kid is a walking encyclopedia - I don't think he forgets a single fact about nature or science or history once he's read it. It's just that "commitment to exploration" that's missing. And it's been creeping up on him for the past few years - seems like the longer he spends in public schools, the less interest and effort he puts into anything. When he was a toddler, preschooler, kindergartner, even 1st-2nd grade I'd say, he was just interested in *everything* and always wanted to find out "more". Now he seems apathetic about learning most of the time, unless DH or I point out something about a new scientific discovery and then help him research it. Most of the time he just wants to read (or re-read) fantasy books and play Gameboy. I hate that thing! My mom got him a used one at a yard sale last summer, then he begged us to let him use his own $ to buy a DS (but we gave it to him for Xmas instead), and now he takes it *everywhere* (except school). He plays it in the car on a 15-minute drive to go out to dinner, to my parents' house, etc. and plays it all weekend and nights after dinner, except for when he's reading. Of course I don't mind him reading LOTR, but I think he can stop re-reading Redwall and Warriors and other series that he read years ago and find something *new* and maybe a bit more advanced? I mean, I have my favorites I used to like to read over and over again (anything by Michener!) but I'd go a year or more before rereading a book - there were so many *new* books to read!

Thanks for all of your kind thoughts and words. I think his parents both passed away some time ago. He had two older sisters who had already got married and moved by they time I first met him in the fourth grade. He got married just out of high school with a baby already on the way, while I set off for Ohio State University, relishing the opportunity to reinvent myself and be lost in the crowd after growing up in a small town with a small school. So partly it was different life trajectories and partly it was me stepping away from ties to my hometown and who I was, to make a better me. I think it is mostly the unexpected shock of his sudden death that has me rattled, that and the realization that he was such a good friend, for so long and I couldn't be bothered to make any effort to reconnect, and now he's gone. His service is planned for this Friday, in Cincinnati, nine hours drive away. Even if it were closer, I don't know whether I would attend -- would I even know anyone? What could I possibly say? Friends of the family have set up a donation form to help them cover some of the "costly expenses that a death brings" It notes that "he is survived by his two children, Jessica and Tyler; his fiancé Natasha and two sisters." A fiance -- that sound so hopeful and forward looking that this is all the more heart-wrenching. I may change my mind and drive out for the service, but in any case I'm planning on donating through the form, but I'm trying to figure out what to say.

Another big fan of DonorChoose.org. What really appeals to me is that you can search by type of educational project and the town. It is only for public schools, and in our state it is pretty much only low income areas where you see requests. I like how very specific it is, how direct it is, and the fact that the requests are manageable (a lot of them are about 200, very few over 500) so you can fund an entire project and get it going. Do note that the Gates foundation will match your donation now if you enter the promocode "Jumpstart". The only "downside", if there is one, is that you may feel an ongoing obligation to support someone once you start. The teachers we have supported email us with updates and new requests, and we donate to them almost programmatically. If people aren't sure they want to do that, it might be an email setting. I do agree with the poster above that you always want to look very closely at the efficiency of charities (good public data available on that).