It is bizzare, and mean, and evil. I feel so sorry for Lauren; she is truly an innocent victim here.

Sadly, nearly every "step-mother" I've known acts this way to some extent or the other.

I'm not saying all step-mothers are like this; I know there are excellent, loving, long-term step-moms on this forum. However, many of the step-moms I've known personally didn't like the former spouse's kids, didn't want them around, and went to all sorts of under-handed methods to ensure the kids didn't want to be around them. Most were sneakier about it, though.

Of course, when they're just the dad's "girlfriend" they can't get enough of his darling, sweet, brillant children. This usually lasts until the day after the marriage.

Again, I know there are good step-moms; I've heard about them first-hand! I know some (grown) children that adored their step-moms and actually loved them like blood family. I've just never met one face-to-face.

There's a reason my Number 1 cardinal rule while I was single was "Never, ever date a man who has children." I would try to be kind, but I didn't want to be a step-mom. I knew one way to prevent that...don't get involved with dads.

Sometimes 40-year-old women need a good spanking!

You'd think that they'd be secure enough in their own skin that they wouldn't need to tear the skin off of a kid (whether their own or not)!

ole joyful

You know what the saddest thing about that is? At least in my opinion?

The fact that your EX allows someone to treat his child that way.

They obviously deserve each other.

No wonder Alex doesn't want anything to do with him and it won't be long before Lauren feels the same way. The sooner, the better if you ask me.

"Why would an adult woman act this way?"

Because your ex-husband is letting her.

Agree to above comments....

Sounds like another divorce in his future. Like she's not happy with him and taking it out on his child.

She's a nut, and has no genetic connection to your dd.

My question would be why would a FATHER permit his child to be treated that way?

How old is your daughter?

Normally, I'm a big fan of parents, even poor ones, being in their children's lives. But given the safety issues, if I were in your shoes, I might be thinking it's time to revisit the visitation situation. Not saying I'd want him out of her life, but I might be going for some arrangement that would give the child more protection when she was there--parenting classes for him, perhaps; or some supervision; or even him being required to supply her with a cell phone so she can always get in touch with him, if there's an emergency. There must be a compromise answer. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about the other idiot--if he chooses to have her in his life, your child is going to be subjected to her, sadly.

I agree with Azzalea, is dad aware of this to the full extent? He needs to be aware and his wife needs to know that you are not going to permit Lauren to be treated in this way. How old is Lauren and will she speak up?

B/c she is a selfish, serve serving bit--. I'd hope DD soon decides to not go back. What about the daddy allowing someone to treat his child like this? If he has any balls, they have had trouble over this, and should.

It sounds to me like his wife has a lot of growing up to do herself. I can't imagine making any child feel unwanted. if she has those kind of feelings they should be kept private and discussed with the father. Kids don't ask for this kind of life, why make it worse on them? Soon Lauren won't want ot go there and I agree with the others, her dad is letting it happen. He needs to step up and get a grip on it now or he won't be seeing her much either. I hate to hear this is happening to Lauren...so sad for any kid to be treated like they don't exsist...or that someone wished they didn't.

I agree with the others. It's bad that the stepmother acts like this, but it's just awful that Lauren's dad is allowing her to be treated this way. Things like this can really affect a child.

Yes, I know someone else who acts like this. My friend's ex-husband's wife. He and my friend had 3 boys together, and he re-married someone who had 3 children as well. She was always putting rules in place for his 3 children, and taking her 3 kids places but leaving his 3 behind. She treated his 3 boys very poorly, to the point where my friend would no longer allow the boys to go there when there dad wasn't going to be there with them.
Now they are divorced.

Who knows all the reasons she acts like an evil stepmpther,,,but who cares!!! Its the child that needs attention. The step mom is just plain abusive and it shouldnt be allowed!!!

Azzelea, ummm, they are actually genetically connected, she is the ex's cousin (her father and his mother are first cousins), so she's my dd's cousin also...I think-lol. Lauren is 12. She did call him after the trampoline incident, the house was unlocked.

He's an idiot and apparently more worried she will leave him. Which according to Lauren she keeps threatening to do. She is the ex's "love of his life" so I doubt he will ever divorce her. He still doesn't understand that Alex is mad at him not her (although she was the instigating factor in him not wanting to go back there), it was the things he did and keeps doing after that, that keeps Alex from going back. He had Lauren call him before going to Six Flags. Alex refused to get on the phone so Lauren relayed the fact that her and her daughter weren't going. Alex said "he doesn't get that it isn't about them".

How horrible, and sad, for Lauren to have to be treated like that. And a real tragedy that her father is letting it happen.
Kath, maybe you are going to have to get real assertive here and do something about this.
Maybe its time for visitation revison, or changing the way she spends time with her dad or some parenting classes for him. Who knows, but bottom line is you have to go to bat for Lauren so she is not subjected to this anymore.
I wouldn't be surprised if she hasn't really told you all that goes on.
If he hasn't bothered to try to mend the relationship with Alex he probably won't with Lauren either if it comes to that.
You just can't let this continue.

Jenni he has tried to mend their relationship but Alex keeps refusing to have anything to do with him. I've already talked to social services about his parenting skills and other things he and she have done, after he called them on me (retaliation for garnishing his wages for medical bills he owed me). I'm about to do that again since he's owed me nearly $200 for a few months now. Instead of paying it he went and bought a new motorcycle (which Lauren told me about last night).

She was asking if I would mind her riding it. I told her I would. I do not want her on the back of a motorcycle, especially with someone who's wrecked nearly every vehicle he has ever had. She said she wouldn't get on it if I didn't want her to, but I'm not sure she would listen to me or do it behind my back. She's at that age where she thinks I'm treating her like a little kid and she's SO grown up, you know.

Hmmm--I meant genetic in the sense that she was the parent responsible for your dd's DNA--but your description of the family ties does add another wrinkle--absolutely NOT sure what to do with it.

Well, at 12, your daughter is just reaching the age where a lot of kids from divorced families become victims of 'the grass is greener' syndrome and decide to leave the parent who's been raising them to live with the 'fun' parent. Highly unlikely your daughter is ever going to feel life at Dad's will be a lark (at least as long as her cousin/stepmom lives there), so I guess that's one benefit to this situation.

I think there's proabbly a lot more to the story. I would guess some underlying problem between your EX and his wife may be the cause.

I am curious as to why your daughter is left alone with her so often. If it's not her daughter and she's not taking responsiblity for her, (and maybe that was agreed upon with her husband) then I'm not sure you can hold her accountable. Does your Ex take care of her child when she is not around? Has your daughter eaten her food when she has specifically asked her not to, etc? Does your daughter tell her where she's going when she leaves so she can find her is she wants to go out to tell her? Does your Ex invite along her daughter places when he leaves? There's always two sides. Bottom line, your child is not her responsibility and, right or wrong, immature or not, she's treating her as such. I think she probably knows a lot better but there's probably a lot more to the story.

I'd talk to your EX if your daughter is not being taken care of, and explain to your daughter not to take anything too personally.

Azzalea, she actually has mentioned moving in with her father, despite the step mother. He is the fun parent, no boundaries. Examples: buying high heeled boots and shoes, eyeliner and other make up when she was 9 and 10, treating her like a friend not a daughter, and letting her step sister create a disgusting My Space page for her. Which we pulled up when the social worker was here. She had Lauren as a 17 year old and she had put a lot of inappropriate stuff on it. I had talked to Lauren about taking it off but she said she didn't know how and Kayla (the ss) would have to do it. After the social worker talked to her about it, seemed to validate what Mom was saying all along. It's cleaned up now, except for the disgusting language in the ss's messages she leaves her. And yes, the ex knew all about it, he even sent her messages himself.

I am afraid she will decide to go live with him. I don't think it's healthy to be given everything you ask for and have no boundaries at all.

As both a child of divorce and a "step" mom...
I've been treated like Lauren by my father's wife, when I was about her age..and stopped going..He didn't seem to much care...

As a wife to a man that had three children prior to our marriage, I'd NEVER treat his children that way.

I agree..social services needs to be kept up to date on all "negative" happenings.

Carla, her daughter is 17 or 18 now. Lauren is usually home up in her room when she's left behind. If you're living in the same house as a 11 or 12 year old child, why wouldn't you tell them you're leaving? Or ask them to go with you? I'm sorry, but that is not normal or right. The ex works swing shift and that's why Lauren is left with them.

And as for talking to the ex, it's useless, kinda like talking to a brick wall.

I don't think she would be telling you these things if she didn't want help in what to do...

I wouldn't let my child be treated like that...

Go talk to the social worker.

I'm sure you worry about loosing your child support if you don't let her go. But that is abuse...plain and simple.

patti

I'm guessing your ex's wife is taking her frustration out on Lauren by leaving her alone. She could have been out buying shoes for her dd and didn't want to see what Lauren might be needing, so she slipped out and left Lauren alone. It's a shame Lauren's dad and mom can't put the kid's needs apart from their problems.

How does the ex treat her kid's? Why are the kid's left to hear them argue about their marriage in the first place?
I'll I can think of is thank goodness Lauren is getting closer to legal age and she can decide where she wants to stay herself. Until then, you might be writing down what your expectations are. Such as (them) informing Lauren where an adult is at any time. Figuring out the food problem, it must be pretty bad since each is buying their own food. Good grief, I feel bad for Lauren or any kid that has to feel the stess of such a foul relationship. I'm sure you feel pretty frustrated about this Kath. Not much you can do, when THEY can't figure out their own problems. From what you've said here it sounds like you have tried talking to your ex but he's plainy all talk and not much action.

IMO, you can always reassure Lauren (or Alex) that she can change this cycle. That one day when she is older, she can find that man that cares for her and her family. Don't settle for anything less than someone who is mature, kind and hard working. Your already showing her so much, how to work hard and care for a family. Also how hard it is to do alone. You may not be able to change her dad but you can help her to see her future in a positive way. Good luck this summer, I hope things get better.

If she was my child, I'd be at the lawyer's ASAP and she wouldn't be going back there until the court said she had to. That is no way to treat a young girl. At her age, she shouldn't even be left alone. I have an idea her "threat" to go live with her dad is just that. Why would she want to live where she's going to be treated like Cinderella????

I'm with Patti. Go see your lawyer. Maybe you can get things changed so he can come visit her but she can't stay at his house.

Is there an age in your state where they actually let the child decide who to live with? Even if there is, I wouldn't think custody would be transferred from the mother unless there was a neglect issue by the mother or unless both parents agreed to the move.

Also, maybe you should talk to Lauren & find out why she'd consider moving in with her dad. I understand that's he doesn't have any rules, but she should also realize that if she moved in, the stepmother's bad treatment of her would probably get worse. If this woman is jealous & resents Lauren now with the limited amt. of time she spends there, imagine how she'd treat her if she actually lived there.

My ex DH was married to someone who sounds a lot like that. She had two children of her own and she so obviously favored them and they were horrible, mean kids. It came to the point where DS and DD weren't going to go there anymore. Their stepmom was so mean to them and treated them horribly and so did her kids. There were times I just wanted to smack her and ask her what the h#ll her problem was. My DD would come home crying hysterically. Finally I told ex DH (we have a good relationship) that if this was how she was going to come home, she wasn't going to come over anymore. He finally stepped up the plate and took charge somewhat. He was always at work too so the kids were home stuck with her. They went to their grandparents house a lot or stayed with me just so they wouldn't have to be there with her. She, to put it simply, was extremely jealous of my kids and me for that matter because ex and I get a long for the kids sake and she just could not stand it. I am happily married and was no threat to her. If I wanted to be with him, I wouldn't have divorced him. We have remained friends for the sake of the kids. Thank god they are divorced now or in the process of divorce. She is dragging it out as long as possible.

Now on the other hand, I have three step children and I couldn't imagine treating them like that. Two are older and have never lived with us but my DSD who is now 18 lived with us all through high school. There are times that I think I treated her more favorably than my own kids. We all get along so well and my kids and DH's kids love each other to death. We have been so fortunate in that department.

I feel bad for your daughter. I can't remember how old she is now but it doesn't sound like your ex is doing her any favors by being the "nice" parent.

If you want bizarre, go to the Stepfamilies forum. Geesh!

CPS should be called when Lauren is alone..it's against the law for pete's sake.

Your EX needs to man up, but it appears he doesn't have the sense or the balls to do so.

DO NOT let this continue, Kathleen. How unhealthy and how unsafe this is...it's more than just bizarre.

Please don't hesitate to take action; whatever it takes.
You and your kids deserve nothing less.

Ummm---- about the motorcycle thing.... call your local motor vehicles branch or check out online... some states have restrictions about newly licensed riders & their passengers, with regard to having to have, for example, 6 months riding solo before being able to have someone ride behind them.. also -- what are your state's helmet laws...
PS when she wants to move in with him -- remind her how much 'fun she'll have living with the step-mom"

Your butthead exhusband needs to address this problem or Lauren needs to stay away from him.
I don't know why the wife acts that way but she does and it is hurting Lauren. You shouldn't have to do anything about it and Lauren can't do anything about it.

Horse's behind.
I'd still gladly whip him for you Kath.

Alex won't have anything to do with his Dad because of crap like this. This is horrible to say but I hope Lauren reaches that 'point' soon too. It'll be better for her in the long run.

I'm sorry this is happening to your daughter Kath.
She doesn't deserve it. Maybe you'll have to require he only take Lauren places and spend time with her, one on one and not stay at his home anymore. She is being treated right and she's not safe.

Lori