I'd give what you think is fair. I usually give between $50 and $100 depending on how I know the couple. By the way, my daughter is getting married in mid-June and we are paying $11 per plate. So depending on where you live, it could be much less than $75. I can't imagine paying $75 a plate.

Besides budgetary restraints, I think the size of gift depends on how close you are to the bride or groom. For me, $50 total is a reasonable gift for most invitations I receive. For family or very close friends, I'll give $100. I've heard that idea of the gift being approximately the cost of the reception dinner, but I can't find that concept in any etiquette books.

We ususally spend $100.

I always weigh in the cost of shower gifts, if you have done that already I would limit it to $100. Look at their registry, hopefully you can find something in your budget. I have also done personalized stones with a bible verse and their wedding date. Very affordable and personal.

We are pretty close friends of the couple and their wedding is in Toronto, so $75.00 a plate is actually considered very reasonable. Considering they're paying $150.00 just to feed DH and me, I'm thinking I should maybe give $200, leaving them with a $50.00 'gift.'

I usually spend about $100, but also factor in the shower gift if I am invited to that as well. I rarely give cash, mostly I chose something from the registry.

Wow! $11.00 a plate is a steal! Wanna trade? I have back to back weddings for both my son's, next one is mid June. We are not doing anything elaborate and spending $75+ per person for food and drink. That doesn't include the cost of cake and cake cutting fees. I'm tempted to wheel the cake out to the parking lot, cut it myself and save $4 per person lol. I think it's a ridiculous fee and should be included. Every venue we looked was the same. Vent over...

Timely post. I am invited to a friend's daughters wedding. We spend quite a bit more on a plate here in NY.
I have always heard of trying to cover the cost of your meal. I never quite understood this unless the couple is paying for the wedding themselves. If the parents are paying this seems almost a moot point.

I HATE the idea (not found in any etiquette books because of how crass it is) that you should be expected to cover the cost of your meal. How should I know what people are paying? The hosts decide how they want to entertain and how much they want to spend - why should that have anything to do with me? They decide to serve filet mignon instead of baked chicken, so my gift has to be bigger? If my best friend gets married at a backyard barbecue and my second cousin twice-removed gets married in the ballroom at a fancy hotel, am I really expected to give the cousin a better gift? Should I start buying better birthday gifts for the kids whose parents throw them elaborate parties? How about better hostess gifts for those who live in nicer homes?

Hospitality should be freely given, without a thought for what you may get in return. My presents are based on how close I am to the couple and how much I can afford to spend at the time.

In this case the couple is paying for their own wedding. I know their immediate family will choose to give them personal gifts, as keepsakes they can have forever, but the bride's Aunt let it slip (maybe on purpose) that they weren't registering anywhere to increase their chances of receiving cash as they will have significant renovations to make, for their home to be wheelchair accessible. Her little girl has recently become unable to walk with crutches and will be confined to a wheelchair from now on.

Or you could skip the reception, save them $150 feeding you and just give them the $50...:-D

What you are portraying is exchanging money for a meal...why not just go to a restaurant and order something you would enjoy for less than $200? I must be really old fashioned as a gift is something you willingly give to someone without thought of payment. Sorry, but I don't believe in paying for someone's wedding/reception.

Well, I'm of the opinion that the wedding hosts opted to spend XX money.. If it's a big blowout.. numerous attendents, plated dinner, band, etc., etc., That is their choice... I try to look at their bridal registry [which can turn into a rant.. but I'll pass] and select something within my price range... Or use the registry to assess their tastes and find something else they'll enjoy. Use your imagination and don't just give 2 wine goblets..

Their reception will be in a very moderately priced venue, not an over the top banquet hall. But because they live in Toronto, even a 'scaled down' wedding meal costs about $75.00 per plate (which I know, as my niece's friend works at the place they are using.

I too have never read wedding etiquette advising one to approximate the cost of the meal and try to give a bit extra so the couple will actually come out a little ahead. But that is what all my friends and family did back when my generation was getting married. When I married, average wedding meals were $25.00 each, and I recall receiving $75.00 in many of my cards from couples, which meant that after DH and I finished paying the meal bill, we had about $25.00 per couple 'leftover.' to use however we wished. I just wondered if people still did that.

In all my life, and that has been a lot of years, I never heard that a wedding gift should be equal to the cost of the dinner. How are you suppose to know what the dinner will be?

But my thought is that if this couple plans to spend a lot of money to do needed renovations, why are they not having a simple wedding with just a cake and punch reception? I know that sounds heartless, but it is a fact that the child's welfare should be the important part of this situation.

How can a $75 dinner compare to what the child's needs are?

Common sense and logic is how I make my decisions, for whatever the case may be,

Sue

I'm with the ones who say ignore the (alleged) cost of the dinner. Often others chip in on that stuff anyway. "Tradition" used to be that the bride's parents pay for the wedding so tradition doesn't really apply anymore.

I believe that what you should give is what you feel comfortable giving and want to give. You should not feel compelled to give because they chose to spend more than the people who go to a JP or choose to have friends, family and themselves make the food. The gift is totally separate from the affair in the cost respect.

Could always go with the idea that 2 people didn't go, and were going to give $25 so they should submit a bill to the couple for $125.00!

Seems to me they're a little foolish to not make it clear they want cash gifts. Especially if the story released was true. I think it's a great decision to put the cash that way but why not just put it on the invitations and be done with it?

I'm also very against the trinket givers. Some hunk of junk that the giver thinks is cute and "personal" that'll wind up in a closet taking up space that should just be tossed... wouldn't it be better to just send half the amount of cash? Or all of it? Seems to me someone previously married likely has all the trinkets and gadgets they need. Cash is still the classiest gift, the most useful and the one that is most always used and seldom is returned. And no receipt needed to return it and no standing in the return lines are added benefits.

Unfortunately, cynic, the story is true, but perhaps they felt awkward about writing it on their wedding invitations. I guess they just felt that by not registering anywhere, more people might give cash. Anyway, thanks to all of you for your responses, I can always count on feedback from the K.T.!