A Dollars & Cents Take on Weddings

14 years ago

I was interested to read a blunt article about this in today's Chicago Tribune -- especially after the discussion on Pickyshopper's thread about gift-giving.

The story isn't in the Social Section, if that even exists nowadays. It's in "Money & Real Estate". (Crass, eh? LOL) The article warns wedding invitees not to overspend, cites surveys and makes money-based suggestions.

A National Endowment for Financial Education survey says 42% of invitees spend $100 - $500; 13% spend over $1000.

Etiquette mavens must be swooning to read the suggestion that groups of invitees set up an internet site where each person contributes by credit card. They mention wepay.com and splitabill.com The article encourages couples to set up sites where guests can help fund a honeymoon. (Quick, the smelling salts!)

The story cites a 2010 weddingchannel.com survey that says a bridesmaid spends an average of $1695 per wedding. This includes a dress, travel, gifts and parties. (How many wedding parties can you be in before you're in the Poor House?)

Destination weddings are considered a boon to invitees who are looking for a way to refuse invitations -- and give smaller gifts. (This brings up the question of feeling obligated to give a gift *only if you attend*. ???)

Another survey says 22% of couples regret how much they spent on their wedding -- so, 78% were not sorry. Averages from 2010 say couples spent $27K per wedding, ranging from the most expensive area (Manhattan, $70K) to least expensive (Utah, $13K). The overall average cost per guest was almost $200.

I was OK with most of the article but really dismayed by the last paragraph. It spoke to invitees who inform the couple they can't be in a wedding party or give a generous gift. It says, in effect, "Good friends won't drop you for this. People will still need friends after their wedding." (Oh, spare me such 'friends'!)

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Comments (21)

susanjf_gw
14 years ago
have you ever watched the the bridal dress show? omg! our wedding was in vegas and consisted of a dress i bought on sale and was lucky that dh had a suit, or it would have been his navy uniform...(1970) the only guests we had were my parents who lived there,and friends of my parents...

but i loved the dress (in fact still have it) and our case of champagne, and the home made cake mother made...(an agelfood with 7 minute frosting, lol)

what some women pay for a dress was what we LIVED on...(i still have a copy of our first income tax, lol) for more years than i can count...
FlamingO in AR
14 years ago
I think it's ridiculous, the amount of money couples spend on a one-day event/2 week vacation. My first wedding probably cost less than $800 + 3 days in Daytona Beach and the 2nd one about $300 - private, no guests, dinner out. And we had no debt then or now.

I agree with most of the article but I don't understand your last comment, chisue- are you saying that you think people should be in the wedding party whether or not they can afford it, and spend whatever it takes to keep the bride and groom happy? That if they don't overspend, they aren't good friends and aren't worth keeping? I think I'm missing something.
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OklaMoni
14 years ago
Oh, years ago my ex and I offered the kids 500 bucks for their wedding, if they elope!

But, Lori and Doug had a very nice, and very expensive wedding, that everyone seemed to enjoy, and they paid the bulk of that expense.

They registered at a bike shop, and bought a very nice tandem bike from the money paid in there. Both had a house, and thus, most everything anyone could want. To this day they both have a nice grill, and of course, each says theirs is the better one. :)

Moni
marie_ndcal
14 years ago
Our wedding was in Hawaii at the Navy Base Chapel. My dress was not expensive and of course at that time--1953, all the butterfly orchids were very cheap. Navy whites for all involved and my Mom wore a simple dress. Dad did not come, not special reason, but wished many times later he should have. Then had a reception when we returned a year later to the states.
None of my kids had expensive weddings because we only gave them a certain amount, less that 1,000.00 But all were very nice with a good selection of gifts. Non had gift registries. All are still hanging in there. Both granddaughters had simple weddings too.
marilyn_c
14 years ago
I think big weddings are an awful waste of money. I guess it is one thing, if you can afford it...but for myself, I'd rather spend the money on a trip or buying a first house...down payment. And...I know I am probably way old fashioned on this, but I think having a big wedding for the second wedding....pretty ridiculous. I have a friend whose daughter got married five times. Each wedding was bigger than the last. A couple of the marriages lasted less than a year. And most ridiculous of all...people who live together and even have a child or two together, but are saving for the "big wedding".
sue_va
14 years ago
{{!gwi}}
(not clickable)

My wedding.

Remember, it was 1944; there was a war going on.

Church wedding at 9 p.m.; the socially accepted time then. Don't know what my DF paid the preacher or for the use of the church. Reception was at home; a cake, punch, small sandwiches, nuts and mints. I don't remember if the cake was bought or home-made.

My dress was bought at Hecht's Department store in Washington, DC, for $25; full price, not a sale price.

The bouquet is not the real one. It is one that the Studio used for the sitting.

Best man wore a business suit; bridesmaid wore a long blue evening-type gown. My DH wore his summer dress uniform.

Guests were my (big family) and friends, plus my friends from school and work.

Honeymoon was a long train ride filled with GIs being transferred here and there, as DH was stationed in Idaho. We did have 3 months together before he was sent to the South Pacific.

The cost of any wedding is, to me, so very unimportant. Mine was lovely, and lasted 38 years, "until death did us part."

Sue
chisue
Original Author
14 years ago
flamingo -- I think people should decline to be in the wedding party if they can't afford it, and I think they should give whatever gift they wish. I objected to the tone of the advice. The whole article felt like a pricetag was on 'friendship'. Are people really afraid they'll be 'dropped' if they aren't rich? The follow-up that you'll still have some 'value' didn't set right in that context.
jannie
14 years ago
The nicest wedding I ever attended was that of my college roommate, "Chip" (a girl). She got engaged our senior year. Didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, which was okay. I went as a happy guest. The ceremony was in her (and her parents') church, followed by a dinner reception in the church basement. Women parisioners contributed all kinds of casseroles. I had attended one shower, gave her some linens and (I think) a check for $100. It wasn't a fancy affair at all, just enjoyable. We kept in touch for a few years, thru the birth of her two children,then we lost touch.
sue_va
14 years ago
PS. That pic is clickable here. Wasn't in the preview.

Sue
monica_pa Grieves
14 years ago
Around here, a wedding reception is given by the bride's parents. Sometimes the groom's parents co-host.

I had, in 1966, a formal church wedding, and my parents had the reception at a local country club. The issued the invitation (as per form those days)and invited a mix of friends and relatives on both sides. My future mother in law, myself and the groom were told how many we could invite.

My parents told me that they had saved every penny of the "board" I paid them from the time I graduated from HS, and started working full-time...and that took care of most of the cost of the reception.

I paid for my wedding gown, and the groom paid for the honeymoon(in Puerto Rico) by "selling" a week's vacation back to his employer.

The money we got for gifts was deposited in the bank before we left, and 3 years later, was a deposit on a house.

That's the way everyone I knew did it.
azzalea
14 years ago
My parents always told us we could have college or a wedding. We all picked college. So when I was planning my wedding 39 years ago, DH and I knew we didn't have enough money for: a big wedding, a honeymoon, and a house. We were only 22 when we got engaged, but even at that age were sensible enough to know what was important.
We had a nice but very economical wedding (I made all the gowns and headpieces, we found a very reasonable caterer and photographer, chose an inexpensive venue in a dry town (we didn't have to pay for any alcohol!). We had a lovely wedding, but it didn't cost us too much. We went right from the reception to our new house. I always say that house was our honeymoon.

Monica, it's interesting that you say in your area weddings are still paid for by the parents. I'm not too far, but even in my day, many of my friends paid for their own. Now? Almost all of DD's friends have paid for their own weddings--they seem to be getting married older these days--in their late 20's and early 30's, so there's really no reason for mom and dad to be picking up the tab.
sheilajoyce_gw
14 years ago
We eloped. Nothing spent on the wedding other than the fee to the preacher and some flowers for me and a 2 day honeymoon. We made up for it with our only daughter's wedding. She married a young man who enjoyed weddings and whose home town travelled to see their offspring married. His parents had eloped too. So we both did it up big, had a rehearsal dinner cruise, and beautiful wedding with a great band and reception. We were shocked at what everything cost but would do it all over again. Most of the guests were from out of town, and everyone had a delightful weekend. His wedding was the talk of his hometown (located way across the country from us) for a very long time thereafter.
chisue
Original Author
14 years ago
Sue -- You were a lovely bride! (And a modest one.) We Seniors remember when a bride would never wear a -- gasp -- *strapless* gown in church -- much less the flouncy red one I saw in today's paper.

My era was as Monica described hers. The bride's family paid for all the wedding expenses and hosted the reception. The groom paid for the honeymoon.

After our ceremony we had family and friends for cocktails, dinner and dancing at the country club in my hometown. (As I was changing into a traveling suit for our honeymoon, the ladies' locker room attendant reminded me that she had changed my diapers!) I wore a suit, hose, fur hat and gloves as we boarded our flight out of Chicago. (Now when we fly I wear something I can sleep in!)

It was a surprise to me when our DIL's immediate family threw showers for her -- and asked us to help with the wedding expenses. (Happy to oblige, but it wasn't 'normal' to us -- and they are very comfortable, financially.) Different customs.
PattiG(rose)
14 years ago
Beautiful wedding gown, Sue. Sounds like a lovely wedding.

I had a very simple wedding at my mother-in-law's home. The reception was at my sister's, and the family made all the food. It was wonderful, and we spent the money we would have used on a honeymoon as the down-payment on our home. I have no complaints, it was the way to go for us.
drewsmaga
14 years ago
My married 3 kids all had inexpensive weddings (the eldest eloped for his 3rd.) Youngest son is getting married @35 (1st time!)& they're both engineers but I'm getting the feeling that it's gonna be expensive for us (not just air fare, hotel, car rental.) Parents of the groom host the rehearsal dinner. (Did that 3 times & it's been pricey.) Well, I'll do what I have to do for his happiness. And drag my DH to the bank kicking and screaming. That's what Moms do.
donna_loomis
14 years ago
In 1973 my wedding garb cost less than $100. I made my very lovely long satin gown with lace bodice and short train for $35 and Mom made my veil at a cost of $50. One attendant, my cousin, and I told her she could wear the same gown she wore the year before when she stood for her sister's wedding. IMO brides and grooms nowadays are totally missing the point of a wedding. I believe it should be friends and family (children included) coming together to celebrate the joining of the couple. Too often today, it is "How big a show can we put on?". They will reason that they are making memories to last a lifetime, but I think they are missing the point entirely. And too often, the bills from the wedding outlast the marriage, LOL.
cynic
14 years ago
It took your follow-up comment and reading back and forth a couple times to see what you were saying. At first it looked like you were saying spare me the friends that said they couldn't afford it and I was going WTH?? Can't be! And wasn't.

Weddings. What more can I say about them. Opulence on par with the reality of a "reality show". The cost of a dress is silly. Tradition used to be that the groomsmen were expected to pick up the tab for the groom's tux. And instead of the bridesmaids buying the bride's dress, they buy dresses that'll never be worn in public again! Nowadays, it's rent 7 tuxes and the groom gets his for "free". Yeah, right, "free"! Give me a freakin break. And in exchange for this the groom gives each tux renter a keyring or some other useless, yet overpriced trinket that'll never be used. Maybe instead of spending $25 or $50 on each of the keyrings he could pay for his own tux!

There was the other thread about how much to give. It occurred to me that maybe it should be based on how fiscally responsible the people are. If they have a wedding where the wedding party can wear attire that can be used again, kick in a bit more since they suggest they will be more responsible. If they go for the limos, ugly dresses & tuxes, can they handle my money? Maybe they should get less. LOL
FlamingO in AR
14 years ago
Thanks for the clarification, chisue. I do believe, though, that a lot of people only agree to be in a wedding party that they can't really afford because they ARE afraid of offending their friend. I know I was dropped by an old friend because I didn't contribute to her request for sponsorship so that she could fly to another country to run in a mini-marathon to raise money for one of her (Florida) students. (Such a poor use of donated money, IMO, too many expenses.)

So I can see where declining to spend a lot of money on another person's wedding could cause the same thing to happen and why a good, but broke, friend would worry about saying "no, thanks." Brides especially take those kinds of things very personally.

I've been lucky, only had to be one wedding (the same friend who later dropped me) but I was honored to be asked at the time. And the dress was CUTE!

I love smaller weddings simply because the couple getting married are under much less stress.
chisue
Original Author
14 years ago
azzelea -- Good point about couples who marry later in life being established enough to pay for their own wedding celebrations. Our DS and DIL were not that much older (or 'established'), but they wanted a great band at their reception, and they paid for it. They were right. The swing band from a nearby college made the evening special! (The band members were talented, young and energetic, and they seemed to enjoy playing on into the night.)

Maybe it's time for the old 'rules' to bend more. For instance, I love the charity galas where you pay NOT to attend!
arkansas girl
14 years ago
sue va, your dress looks just like my Mom's dress, she was married in 1943. There were a bunch of other girls that wore(shared) her dress too! Everyone was so skinny back then! I'm pretty sure Mom said she weighted less than 100 lbs! All the men wore their military uniforms. All those girls that wore that dress have all passed now...very sad...
joyfulguy
14 years ago
"If your marriage lasts 5 years - you owe me 50% of the cost of the gift back ...

... if 7 years, the payback requirement is down to 30% ...

... after 10 years - it's return-fee-free".

So ya'sd better make it last - at least that long!

ole joyful

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