I have a friend who has always been a bit awkward and shy. Low self esteem blah blah. In the twenty plus years I've known her she finally started coming out of her shell in her late 40s. She just turned 55.
Hers is a history of family dysfunction. Her mother died of ?? when she was 12. Her father drank but supported her and her sibling as best he could from what I could piece together. When her mom died her brother and sister were still at home. Sis was 14 years older and bro was 9 years older. According to my friend her sister had a break-down and would bang her head against the wall. No counseling or help was given. Eventually the brother moved out. Never amounted to much, did a lot of psychedelics in the sixties and became rather transient. I met him once years ago. he was living with others, unwashed but still in decent health. He went on to have a stroke (I'm told) and eventually fell off the face of the earth. But then my friend is rather transitional herself and has pretty much lost or misplaced ALL her past...paperwork ,pictures etc.
She married at 18 and had a child at 19. Her husband left her when she got pregnant. The story changes however. I do know he was gay. Once she told me he left because he wasn't "ready" to be a father and another time because he cheated with another man. It was probably a bit of both IMO. She had the child who was born with a lot of what she only refers to as "problems" to this day. It was suggested he be institutionalized. She refused and raised him herself for which I credit her.
I met her when her son was twelve and living in a group home to "give her a break for 3 months". She was rooming with a strange "family" at the time. Filithy conditions and a very alternate lifestyle.
When her son returned to live with her she went back to school and finally got a job at a vet clinic. Son graduated from high school. She found herself homeless again but son was able to get in a job corp program and later into a transitional housing program. He is now on full time disability (mental) and lives independently thanks to whatever program it was that took him in . They see each other once a week or so.
If you met the son for the first time and he was having a good day you would not notice anything odd. Then he will suddenly "space out", his eye will shift and he "flaps". I think it might be a form of autism myself. Like I said she never got or maybe (I'm beginning to think understood ) a diagnose.
About 6 or 7 years ago her situation improved. She went to work at the animal shelter, got benefits and for the first time was able to live in an apartment instead of renting a room.
About 2 years ago I noticed her nodding off at odd time (like at the table) when she was with me and not following conversations well. I encouraged her to see her doctor and get a sleep study. She's overweight and snores heavily and always tired.
She got a CPAP but it is only now 2 years later that they determined the proper setting. She never complained when things didn't improve.
A year ago I noticed more changes. She stopped alternating feet when climbing stairs. She reached for things very awkwardly and her cognitive movements and skills started to get noticeably worse. Again I told her to see a doc. I even called her one other good friend who lives out of state and asked him to observe her on his next visit. Well her job performance went down and she was put on suspension. that finally sent her to the doc.
After more than 3 months the doctors finally decided she has Cerebralvascular disease. They recommend she go on disabilty.
The problem is getting her to do what she needs to do. For example I told her from the first to sign up for temporary disability. She said she had the paperwork and would. Now I find she never filed because she thought she had to have no income to do so. So she's been drawing full pay through her sick leave. That caused them to deny her claim because she's drawing full pay. She has one week left before her sick leave runs out. Then against all advice from her friends she told her work she is leaving. She wanted to be "fair" to them even though I've seen they've been trying to get rid of her for a year now. The girl is a doormat. Everyone walks all over her. She takes the bus everywhere and whatever the front desk tells her she accepts. It happens at the hospital, at work whatever. She calls ahead and tells them she needs simple paperwork and when she gets there they don't have it. instead of telling them to get it she tucks tails and leaves.
Her pride is causing her to fall flat. She trusts the wrong people too much but won''t let us assist her. I have offered to go with her. She does share paperwork she fills out with me and has me go over it. But everything else she tells me is like pulling teeth and second-hand.
I am pretty sure her doctors don't know her family history. Maybe it would have helped or maybe not. But everyone in her family was odd. She was the "normal" one. I don't thing she's always intentionally being evasive but she has difficulty connecting the dots as to how one thing may apply to another.
Her math skills have always been zilch. Her vocabulary, reading and language skills are far far better than mine. It's all cognitive stuff that messes her up. The neurological tests bear this out.
Now nurses, teaches,social workers law students,lawyers... people of any knowledge reading this ...how can I help her? I've suggested she try to get a social worker but she says ok but doesn't. She's not endangering herself so elder abuse and elder Guardian services are overkill.
Dealing with family is hard. With a friend who has NO family it's harder. I'm at loose ends.
Oh yes .... her sister disappeared around 6 years ago. Left no forwarding address either. She married a guy she only knew for a short time and now I find out they never divorced. Ten years ago. She said she thought they were annulled automatically because the marriage lasted less than a year.
I know this sounds odd but she is not lacking intelligence. She lacks life skills and reasoning skills. Horrendously so now I come to find.
By resigning her job she's in limbo. She can't get health benefits until she no longer has Kaiser. She can't qualify for disability until her sick leave is depleted. Human resources screwed her. She doesn't "get" it.
Any advice for me? Thanks
wildchildOriginal Author
lilliepad
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