Best friend of the opposite sex

bee0hio

14 years ago

Would your spouse or SO be okay with your having a "best" friend of the opposite sex?

I know some people are "swingers", but I'm not talking about anything sexual, but a platonic best friend.

I don't think I would care for my dh referring to another woman as his "best friend".

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Comments (30)

carol_in_california
14 years ago
I know my DH would not be happy.
A couple of years ago I contacted a guy I had gone all through grade school and high school. He and his wife were coming to our area and said they would like to come by and say hello.
I told DH they were coming and he was not a happy camper.....but after meeting Chuck and hearing us talk about first grade and all the neighbor kids, he relaxed.
sleeperblues
14 years ago
Not if he was hetero. I do have a really good friend who is gay, and hubby doesn't have a problem with that, lol.
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Hiya, hiya! First, Suntide, I know what you mean about your male friend. I have one, too. (he's my male best friend, actually) Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined anything more than friendship between us. I've known him for 10 years, and he's NOT the cheating kind. Neither am I. But, slowly and surely, and very very cautiously, things seem to be edging towards something more. Would I leave dh for him? You betcha. I've always told his wife what a lucky woman she is (she agrees, and 5 minutes later, forgets all about it and takes him for granted again). Plus, during the last two years I've been in search of a job with enough creative moxy to keep me inspired, plus financial muscle to keep me off welfare, so I can get a divorce. Is it stupid to get a divorce this late in life? My choices are 1) Stay Miserable and Married or 2) You Ain't Dead Yet -- Take A Chance. And yes, the cream does help. Of course, I don't know if it helps just by itself (... ladies? please chime in :-) or if it's the combination of homeopathy + cream. The only thing it's not helping, is the insomnia. And bone pain. Muscle pain? My memory-foam mattress feels as hard as a rock nowadays. I'll be laying on my side and my hip will wake me up, hurting, like it's mashed against some immoveable surface ... like concrete. Am I making any sense, or am I just burbling? %-) Cindy
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Nicehubby, get ready for some culture shock! It sounds like you come from a fairly traditional Indian family so you were probably raised with a lot higher standard than what is now mainstream American (or Canadian) culture. The difference between going for dinner and going for dinner as a 'date' (as adults) is this (I'll use examples so it's a little clearer). Two co-workers go to dinner...they eat, drink, visit, laugh. At the end of the night, they've both had a good time, they've bonded (like friends), they say good night. The next day at work everything is still normal because they know how to respond to each other. Now... Two co-workers go to dinner, only this time it's a 'date' (which indicates that there is romantic interest)...they eat, drink, visit, laugh. At the end of the night, if they've both had a good time, because it was a date, they may or may not say good night. Depending on the values of the people involved it may end with a romantic gesture (such as being walked to the door) or it may end in sex. Dating used to be known as 'courting' (a long time ago now) and was used for the purpose of deciding who you wanted to marry. However, now it is what I would consider to be recreational. Many people who go on dates have little or no interest in finding a spouse. They 'go out' because it is fun or exciting, and out of a desire to feel romantic closeness (and physical intamacy) without needing to make a long term commitment to that person. Hope this explains it a little bit for you. About the issue of whether or not to let a child have a boyfriend/girlfiend... My personal thoughts are this. It's great to let kids have friends from both genders, however I would discourage the use of words like 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend'. While to some it may seem cute, when they're eight or ten, the reality is that by the time the reach eleven or twelve, there is pressure to play spin the bottle, etc. By the time I was in grade six, some of the 'kids' parties involved alcohol and getting locked in a closet to kiss or more. I never went to these parties...M&D wouldn't allow it...and I completely understand now. It was the parents who thought it was 'cute' that thier young children were going on 'dates', that were having these co-ed overnight parties that were, for all intents and purposes, unchaperoned. By the time I graduated half the girls in my class had dropped out because of pregnancy. It's great for children to play with lots of kids their own age...but we have to remember as parents, that children have a natural innocent curiosity (I'll show you mine if you show me yours...etc.) and that when you pair that with the barage of sexually charged media they see at a very young age, it will impact them. At ten years old she may say this is my 'boyfriend' and they just play together like two best friends, but in another two years her friends and classmates will start teasing and pushing her to kiss or ... whoever her boyfriend is then. Kids, especially girls, get a lot of pressure to grow up, be sexy, wear makeup, act like adults. And girls, especially those in Jr. High (grade 6-9) can be cruel to those who don't fit in... Know who your children hang out with, know their parents. Let the parents know what your standards are, and that if they won't ensure your child is held to that standard while at their house, then you would prefer if their child came to yours instead. I'm a firm believer in no closed doors (and computers in high trafic areas), and that no matter how good of friends they are, boys and girls don't get to have sleep overs-together. I do think that it's important to still educate your children though...because there is truth in that the more sheltered child is, if they rebel or find themself in a situation without supervision, more likely to end up in trouble. My parents had very high standards, and didn't allow me to be in a position to become pregnant while I was in their care, but when I graduated I rebeled and moved out. I was completely clueless to the risks out there. I understood about condoms to prevent pregnancy, but I had no idea about STDs, date rape drugs, etc. Fortunatley for me, my sister took me under her wing (she was raised completely differently, by her mom) and gave me a quick education on the risks 'out there'. If not for her, my life could have been very different. I think the biggest challenge I will face with my children, is leaning how to protect them, while still educating them in time, to the dangers that are out there. And no, there won't be any little 'girlfriends'. My $0.02 Verena
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Hey K-J, you are the 2nd Aries that I've met - that I know. The other person is an old friend from the "hood". We are still friends and he has always told be that to experience an Aries is to experience life. He basically told me to "hold-on and be ready for some fun and excitement. He's just as you described yourself - nutty, but not too much over the edge. I guess I'm that way a little myself - a true Capricorn!! I posted before on this thread, but had to chime in again. I was someehat involved with someone that I've known for some time. I guess we mutually, without saying, decided to try to make a go at it, and it really hasn't worked. Rather than disolve a friendship, we decided to skip the relationship part. It was a bummer because being with him was easy - no real expectations; just spending time together, doing some things every once in a while. It was good while it lasted, but as it began to grow into something else, he got cold feet and I became uncomfortable with trying not to move forward. Plus, I'm not so sure I want to move in that direction just yet. So, we are now just friends again. That's working and I'm glad. I say this only to say that part of the problem is that I've always been "one of the guys", and bad boys are my specialty, I guess. This person wanted someone a little more refined. You can dress me up and take me out and I can play the part (I actually like that), but sometimes I'm a little bit nuttier than most guys want. Most of the time bad boys seem to accept that part. I just had a conversation with someone about bad buys too. They are often so intense that they can see right through to a woman's soul. I think that's why a lot of women are attracted to them. They seem to know what it takes. Sorry nice guys. You are great too, but for me, I like to jazz it up a bit - do some fun things a little bit different than the normal dinner and movie.
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Many times. I have had men follow me from store to store in the mall. I have had men follow me while I'm walking my dog. In my previous home, there was a neighbor that did this. I knew he knew where I lived, so this bothered me more than when it was random men, I would just keep walking around until they gave up and went away rather than lead them home. I have had men physically block me from walking away from them (say, in a bar I'm at the bar getting drinks for me and friends, he will position his body to block me from walking away). When I was a waitress, I had a customer (not a regular, even, someone I'd never met before) ask me for a ride somewhere else after work. I declined. When he left, he hung around in the parking lot (this was at midnight when we were closing) until the owner went out there and made him leave. I once had a regular obscene phone caller. He would sometimes call early in the morning while I was asleep, so I was kind of groggy trying to figure out who was calling. One of those times, I asked who is this, he gave a name (steve or something), I said who, he said we met at a gas station (he described the one near my house) and I gave him my number. Never happened, and it worried me he'd picked a spot so near to where I lived that we had supposedly met... did he know where I lived? As far as I know, I've never had someone actually follow me in my car. I'm not afraid to go out alone, but I'm sure there are plenty of men who have been offended because I will walk away from someone I feel is being overly familiar and starting to invade boundaries. And I'm also quite sure most of them don't mean any harm, but most men, have not had similar experiences with women (and the ones who have, probably haven't been by someone a foot taller and 100 pounds heavier than them) and don't understand that there ARE plenty of men out there who are scary and threatening and we have reasons to be wary. Especially younger guys, I think older ones have in many cases heard enough stories from wives, girlfriends, and female friends to get it a little bit.
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linda_in_iowa
14 years ago
I had had a best friend of the opposite sex for many years before I married. XDH had no problem with it, he liked him and the 3 of us would visit when best friend dropped by. Sadly, prostate cancer claimed best friend 3 years ago. I miss him.
OklaMoni
14 years ago
Yes I have a BEST friend of the opposite sex. We are still best friends, even so, I am now divorced.

I even messed up the letters....

I was MN, he is MN
my ex is JN his wife is JN

But we are still M&M.

I hope to have him as a best friend forever.

Moni
PS, I am no MB
arkansas girl
14 years ago
IMHO it's a really good way to mess up a relationship but that's just MHO. Let's just say I'd never ever be OK with it AGAIN...HA! Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me...
wildchild
14 years ago
I've had male friends my entire life both before and after marriage. My DH knows I am more comfortable with men than women. In 38 years of marriage I never strayed. Of course the opportunity presents itself but I believe in free will and being responsible for my actions. I choose not to do things that would hurt my DH or our marriage.

My DD and DS both have friends of the opposite sex and do just fine with it too.

It takes 2 to tango. Everyone makes a choice whether to dance it or not.

Either there is trust or there isn't. I couldn't live with someone who didn't trust me. Because I live with someone who does I value that trust too much too break it.

On the other hand I know a lot of couples who wouldn't think of having friends of the opposite sex. Of course sleeping with them is another story. LOL
terilyn
14 years ago
I have always had friends of both sexes. I remember DH waving goodbye as I drove off with one to go to an NBA championship game. I don't think the sex of a person matters.
jennmonkey
14 years ago
One of my best friends (of almost 20 years) is male, and I have many other friends that I hang out with often that are male. I've never dated one person who had a problem with it. I would never be with someone who did. If you don't trust me, then we shouldn't be together.

My SO has friends that are females and I don't care one bit.

I am not a cheater and neither is he...if either of us wanted "something" with these friends, that probably would have happened a long time ago. We choose to be with each other. I base friendships on the human being, not their gender.

Yep, crap happens sometimes (cheating), but that could be with anyone...coworkers, strangers, etc. Either someone cheats or not, I don't think their choice of friends has any bearing on that.
ruthieg__tx
14 years ago
Yes he would mind if it was a he friend in the same since as a she friend.......He loves me and trusts me but he has a streak of jealousy.......

Would I mind if he had a best friend of the opposite sex......Damned right I would.
Lindsey_CA
14 years ago
Well, my husband is my very *best* friend, and he is the opposite sex. :-)
Jasdip
14 years ago
There's a lot of talk the past couple years of people who are so close to their co-worker; secretary, etc that they are referred to as "office wife" or spouse. They share confidences, do lunch together, etc etc.

If hubby came home recounting his day regularly with "we", "she and I", "she", darned right that would irritate me!

My exDH and I are on good terms, he often visits us, and even came to some family get-togethers. (My SIL told me that she couldn't have an ex visit them, like that. She thought it was just too weird.)

At first my DH would get upset, thinking that I still had feelings, or a thing for the other guy. When he realized that I don't, nor does he for me, DH is fine.
User
14 years ago
Not a good idea at all. DH had a good friend like that and it caused trouble.
arkansas girl
14 years ago
I would guess there are different circumstances and different personalities that effect the situation differently. Just for me and my husband, this simply would not work at all. We are best friends with eachother!
amyfiddler
14 years ago
I saw an enlightening video once.

People were interviewed and it was determined that women can like men platonically. But even when pressed they admitted that probably, the male friends in their lives would likely have sex with them given the opportunity.

Men all admitted that they would have sex with their girl "friends" given the chance. ALL of them did.

I have some buddies who are male but they are all half my age. I'm in a band and we travel some - I invest a lot into my marriage and my family to reinforce the trust. It's tricky, but I really try to be consciencious of my husband's feelings.
bee0hio
Original Author
14 years ago
Good points about the differing perspective male vs female, Amy.

While I have male friends, I can't imagine having a male "bestie" in the same way I have a female bestie. Other than my dh, that is. He's the only male bestie for me.
cookie8
14 years ago
I have to be honest that I would be much better with old female friends than some new woman coming into the picture becoming his best friend. I think the same would hold true if we flipped the scenario around - if it was me for my husband. My sisters' best friend his a male but they have been friends since they were 6. She will even change and sleep in the same bed as him (when travelling) - she is married and he is a priest. Her husband is totally fine with all of this.
marylmi
14 years ago
Maybe not quite the same thing, but there is a guy that wants to be "just friends' & keeps after me to go with him for coffee, & out to lunch. I am a widow since 2 yrs. ago, he is married, so this to me would not be acceptable. I wouldn't have wanted my husband having a lady friend! JMO Oh, and out to coffee, etc. would be just with him as his wife is in another state.
Chi
14 years ago
I'm kind of surprised by all the people who would be bothered by it. If you're a female and your best friend is a male but he's gay, is that ok? Would your husbands have a problem if your best friend was female but also a lesbian? I would hate to think that gender and sexual orientation would have a factor in friendships.

Just curious. I'm not married but I can't imagine marrying someone I didn't trust completely. I would never give up my close friendships (male and female) because of jealousy with a significant other, nor would I expect the same from him. Actually, someone who dumped their best friend for me would be a huge red flag!
Sally Brownlee
14 years ago
No, he would not be okay at all. He considers it to be disrepectful. While I dont completely agree, I will honor his feelings.
I, on the other hand would be fine if he had a friend. (but he wouldn't, for the same reason)

I spent way too much time and energy worrying about my ex and his female friends... the inevitable happened anyway. I could have saved myself a lot of stress and just let him do his thing 20 years ago.
Now, I just completely trust...Que Sera, Sera
User
14 years ago
I have a very close friend that lives in Myrtle Beach.... His sister and I were best friends until cancer stole her from us... Ron and I remained super close friends for all these years.. now nearly 60 years.. and Larry isn't jealous of him at all.... He trusts me and knows I would rather cut my arms off than cheat on him. And Larry also has an old really good friend too.. Cindy... and they have been buds for over 40 years... they have never dated, nor do they want to, but they were there for each other during their divorces... I have met Cindy and she is a very pretty and lovely lady... There are some folks of the opposite sex that are friends but not a bit of chemistry between them...
I am totally secure in my womanhood and Larry is secure in his manhood.......and so not at all jealous... I know Larry loves me and only me, and he knows I love him and only him...

Carolyn
patti43
14 years ago
I wouldn't call them my "best" friends, but I have worked with two men (at different jobs) that I consider dear friends. We still e-mail and talk on the phone. There was no lunch together unless we were taking a customer out but I traveled for business weekly with one of them for a while and had a great time. He was the sweetest person and passed away a few months ago. We worked so well together and shared many meals on the road, but when he died I realized I didn't even know how old he was. But neither did his male friends.

Harry has a dear female friend, too. She calls him from time to time and we used to get together a lot when we lived in Pinellas County. They are coming to visit sometime next month.

Harry and I don't have jealousy issues. We are both entitled to have our own friends.
pattico_gw
14 years ago
I would not like him having a female best friend and I know he would not like me having a man for a best friend.

Personally I think it can lead to trouble.

Denny is my one and only and after all these years (will be 46 years next month)I don't plan on making any changes.
amyfiddler
14 years ago
This is a pretty funny and enlightening video - you have to see the whole thing. It's not long.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA
User
14 years ago
I think it can be pretty risky. 2 of my former co-workers started out as platonic friends and ended up in an affair which broke up both of their marriages. Big mess, and the relationship did not last.
amyfiddler
14 years ago
I don't think that it's necessarily about being secure in manhood or whathaveyou that makes such things "safe" - I think really it is about transparency and how apparent it is that you are committed to your marriage.

Even the most secure and confident person can be left feeling uneasy when their partner is close or possibly closer to someone else.
arkansas girl
14 years ago
amyfiddler, that video is quite telling if it's even real and not staged. But the women say they can be just friends but when asked if their guy friends are interested in them if they had the chance, they all say that the guy would be interested in them. So what they are saying is men and women cannot be friends. HA!
wildchild
14 years ago
Of course most men would want to have sex with just about any woman. Men view sex from a different perspective than most women do. But if that were a reason to disallow friendships between men and women then may as well segregate the sexes at birth.

Respect for others and free will comes into play. We have all sorts of temptations in our lives that are not sexual in nature. We don't act on those so why do Americans have such an issue with sexual temptations? I am not available. My male friends know this. If they can't accept those terms then they are not friends.

Funny thing is the most testosterone driven men I know are much more capable of this. Perhaps because they have other outlets?
dances_in_garden
14 years ago
I don't know what to say.

I want to say that I can have close male friends, because I know I am not into the affair thing. However, I cannot say I have never developed feelings for a close male friend. Acting on them is a different thing, though.

I can see where it would be easy to fall into the trap of thinking this person who seems to have more in common with you, and is very close, might be the person you are supposed to be with. And that is just trouble!

As far as my DH? No. Way. I don't like other people playing with my toys. If he is going to spend time with somebody, it better be me! I am not jealous nor possessive. I am territorial.

Dances.
Toni S
14 years ago
My dh has women friends and I have guy friends but best friends, they are not. If we were to be invited to lunch by the opposite sex, we would invite each other to go along. Not that we don't have trust, but that we don't want to put a single bit of temptation in front of ourselves. I have old guy friends and he has old gal friends from pre marraige days (he has many more since we live in his hometown). If we have a gathering together, thats a good time to catch up with his gal friends and not have me around.
Each marraige is different though. We are work aholics. I would be hurt if what little time we had together, he was hanging with his lady friends. Even the kids get us more than we do each other. Once they leave the nest, I'm looking forward to some travel days!
jel48
14 years ago
My husband is my best friend too. And, looking back over two ex-marriages, I wouldn't have it any other way!

Jealousy has never been an issue in any of my marriages.

Most of my friends are male, but I've never had a male 'best' friend until I met Gary. However, in my lifetime, I've also had only a handful of women that I considered 'best' friends. Friends are not too difficult to find. A relationship that you can really call 'best' is a whole lot more rare. For me, anyway.

Best friend of the opposite sex

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*Best* friend of the opposite sex

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Best friend of the opposite sex

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