HELP Is it ok for 10 yr olds?
plays_in_the_dirt
17 years ago
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popi_gw
17 years agolast modified: 9 years agoemmhip
17 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
10 yr old daughter killed
Comments (6)Thank you for sharing the website. Very, very nice. What a beautiful little girl she was. I'm deeply sorry for this devastating loss and hope you are doing ok, even though you ache for her every day. You make such a good point about doing something to memorialize those we have lost, whether it's a website like you made, a photo album, garden, artwork, etc. It is a comfort to do these things. I'm so sorry this has happened to your family. Heartfelt condolences....See MoreImmature 10 yr. old
Comments (4)I remember your earlier posts Manda -- and that child is not merely 'strange'. She has a disorder of some sort, and just hasn't been correctly diagnosed. Somebody needs to keep pushing until you find out what it is, and if that somebody isn't going to be you, then that poor girl's life in going to get worse from here on, not better. That child doesn't need to 'grow up' -- she needs targeted, specific therapy. (And she's not going to find appropriate social models in a school for children on the spectrum. Talk about the blind leading the blind!) Where NOT to go for help: - Your public school. They have every incentive in the world to diagnose her with nothing except laziness, attitude problems and low ability. Maybe ADD because that won't cost them anything. So don't look there for help until you know what you're dealing with and can counter their dismissals with facts. - Your pediatrician. Not to say a good pediatrician couldn't be a wonderful resource; a really good pediatrician can be a wonderful resource! But if your SD's pediatrician were that good, he or she would have helped you more already. If he knew what he was dealing with, he'd be doing more about it. - The first doctor or child psychologist your insurance plan sends you to. Unless you are extraordinarily lucky. Do you feel that lucky? You need to find someone who will take your concerns very seriously. Who will listen to you about your daughter's strengths, weaknesses and differences, and realize that your 10 years of daily care with this one child and her issues weighs at least as much as his 10 years of post-graduate education studying a huge variety of things medical. You need to find a specialist who specializes in the types of problems you think your daughter may have. Get on the internet and make a list of all possible diagnoses based on what you know. I'm not suggesting you 'diagnose her yourself' -- just identify the possibilities to rule out. You need to find a doctor (or group practice) that is very familiar with: FAS, mental retardation syndromes, autism spectrum issues, childhood schizophrenia, ADD/ADHD, childhood sexual trauma, reactive attachment disorder, developmental disorders, and anything else you think might possibly fit. If they've never seen it before - believe me, they won't diagnose it! Call the practice before scheduling an appointment and ask to talk to one of the nurses. They know what really goes on in the practice -- what diagnoses the patients have, which doctors really listen, which don't have the time or inclination to listen to 'just' a mom. This method has worked wonderfully for me, and all of the nurses I've spoken to seemed genuinely pleased to have been asked for their opinions. One other point - and I say this with UTMOST SERIOUSNESS. You are her mother. If you feel deep down in your heart that something is wrong, it is. You know better than anyone else. Far better than any doctor can tell you after a 15 minute consult....See More10 yr old stepdaughter won't sleep in her own bed.
Comments (13)mistykate, I agree with the others that this is not typical behavior for a 10 year old but not necessarily that it's a crisis. It sounds like something from Supernanny which I find a very helpful show. Not that it's important but kids in other cultures around the world co-sleep with parents for a lot longer than we expect in the USA. Before I would take SD to the pediatrician, I would ask the pediatrician first what they thought. My DS7 went through a phase of "ghosts" "men in black coats" "monsters in the closet" (this one came straight out of the Monsters Inc. movie) although he was a lot younger then. DH and I made a big ceremony of throwing out these "invaders." I'm sure it's different for a ten year old. I'm not trying to be flip but check out Supernanny. Plus a good incentive plan, movie tickets, special treats etc. for each night she spends in her own room with her sister....See More1st time poster feels alone- 10 yr. old SD co-sleeping/co-bathing
Comments (37)Hi Vesters. So many things you wrote struck a chord with me as we experienced the same issues with my SD, who is now 14. We've had custody of her since she was 5, after gaining emergency and then full custody though a very nasty battle. After DH and his ex divorced SM moved SD hours away. SD began sleeping in her bed, showering with her, being completely dependent on her mom. BM thrived on this - it made her feel needed and important. SD couldn't (or wouldn't) do or try anything on her own. SD became BM's 'bff' and confidant - all at the mature age of 3. This continued until BM found a boyfriend, and then SD was kicked into her own bed in her own room on a different floor and told to go to sleep. Once that relationship ended SD was needed again and back in BM's bed, all the while hearing about BM's relationship woes. Fast forward a few years. We have custody, SD sees her mom EOW. She's still trying to have SD sleep with her (between boyfriends) and be dependent on her. The 'bff' behavior is worsening and we're hearing all about BM's love life from SD. SD is getting stomach aches right before visitations and worrying about how to take care of her mom. All so appropriate for a mother/daughter relationship. And then there was. . . "BM also used to say things to SD (right after I came on the scene) like, "I'd never let a man come between us" and "You're the only one I need" which sounds innocent enough, but it was very much meant as a "look at your father, moving on with his life, I'll never let that happen to us." I could have written that. BM is always saying this. . . in between the men in her life. But what SD figured out about 2 years ago is that her mom is full of sh@t. She started to see all these behaviors factored around her mom and what her mom needed on her mom's schedule. She was blinded by the 'my mom needs me' and 'my mom loves me best' until then, but with the help of her counselor and a little maturity she started to figure it out. I won't say she doesn't fall back into buying her mom's crud every now and again, but for the main part she can she the behavior for who it is really about - mom, not SD. I tell you all this so you know you are not alone, and also to give you hope. Your SD needs help, and she needs her dad to help her receive it, but she can recover from this. I will tell you one thing SD's counselor shared with us that was helpful for SD and for our tongues as we weren't biting them so hard. When you say "I'm always a little uncomfortable when she talks so openly about her BM with me (because I know the "real deal"), yet I'm always very careful to make sure I speak loving and positively about her ." you need to stop. This doesn't mean speak negatively, but you don't have to put a good spin on bad actions. Don't try to make mom's bad action ok. Don't make excuses for her. Listen to SD, let her know you understand why she would be upset, help her with generalized, non leading questions discover why she's upset, but don't then tell her it's all ok and mommy knows best. Later, when she figures out mommy doesn't, you will be seen as a liar. It's ok to say sometimes mommy's get confused, or mommy's make mistakes. This is likely better pronounced by DH at first, but you need to know that you don't have to be positive. Just don't be negative, if you get what I mean. :-) Good luck. Keep us updated, and keep your chin up. You are doing the right thing....See Morecentralcacyclist
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