Immature 10 yr. old

manda_2006

18 years ago

Hi all,

It's been a while since my last post. Here is my dilemma. I have a 10 year old sd. I adopted her 2 years ago, her mother is not involved at all. We suspended all of her rights. SD is a strange child. I know that sounds mean, but she doesn't interact well with her peers, she takes no cues from other children, doesn't use her imagination, etc. She's in a private school now for children with spectrum disorders. She's not autistic, she just can't function in public school. However, the school ends in middle school. Essentially, she has 1 1/2 yr. before she goes to middle school. Our area has very large and crowded schools. I worry about how she will function. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to help a child mature? Thanks.

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Comments (4)

finedreams
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
make an appointment with psychologist or psychiatrist (private,not schools's) and see what exactly is the issue. get her to therapy. it is hard to advice anything without more info.
sylviatexas1
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
You might post on the Parents Forum, too.

I wish you the best.
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sweeby
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I remember your earlier posts Manda --
and that child is not merely 'strange'. She has a disorder of some sort, and just hasn't been correctly diagnosed. Somebody needs to keep pushing until you find out what it is, and if that somebody isn't going to be you, then that poor girl's life in going to get worse from here on, not better. That child doesn't need to 'grow up' -- she needs targeted, specific therapy. (And she's not going to find appropriate social models in a school for children on the spectrum. Talk about the blind leading the blind!)

Where NOT to go for help:

- Your public school. They have every incentive in the world to diagnose her with nothing except laziness, attitude problems and low ability. Maybe ADD because that won't cost them anything. So don't look there for help until you know what you're dealing with and can counter their dismissals with facts.

- Your pediatrician. Not to say a good pediatrician couldn't be a wonderful resource; a really good pediatrician can be a wonderful resource! But if your SD's pediatrician were that good, he or she would have helped you more already. If he knew what he was dealing with, he'd be doing more about it.

- The first doctor or child psychologist your insurance plan sends you to. Unless you are extraordinarily lucky. Do you feel that lucky? You need to find someone who will take your concerns very seriously. Who will listen to you about your daughter's strengths, weaknesses and differences, and realize that your 10 years of daily care with this one child and her issues weighs at least as much as his 10 years of post-graduate education studying a huge variety of things medical. You need to find a specialist who specializes in the types of problems you think your daughter may have.

Get on the internet and make a list of all possible diagnoses based on what you know. I'm not suggesting you 'diagnose her yourself' -- just identify the possibilities to rule out. You need to find a doctor (or group practice) that is very familiar with: FAS, mental retardation syndromes, autism spectrum issues, childhood schizophrenia, ADD/ADHD, childhood sexual trauma, reactive attachment disorder, developmental disorders, and anything else you think might possibly fit. If they've never seen it before - believe me, they won't diagnose it! Call the practice before scheduling an appointment and ask to talk to one of the nurses. They know what really goes on in the practice -- what diagnoses the patients have, which doctors really listen, which don't have the time or inclination to listen to 'just' a mom. This method has worked wonderfully for me, and all of the nurses I've spoken to seemed genuinely pleased to have been asked for their opinions.

One other point - and I say this with UTMOST SERIOUSNESS. You are her mother. If you feel deep down in your heart that something is wrong, it is. You know better than anyone else. Far better than any doctor can tell you after a 15 minute consult.
bnicebkind
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I agree with what the others have suggested. In addition, throughly go through the section in your yellow pages under schools (middle). You may be surprised that in many, many areas, there are very tiny private schools operating for kids that do not fit in well in the huge public school system, and these tiny schools may work well for your daughter. I believe that if you have a medical diagnosis for her from a doctor, that some states may pay for her private school tuition. I know little about this, but a neighbor a few years ago told me this because she had a son that was eligible to have his tuition paid because of something like this. It is worth looking into. Also take a look at the religious schools (even if it is a different religion than your own...I have friends who chose this solution because they liked that the religious school had extremely small class sizes.

But your daughter needs someone to take the time and effort and dig a bit to find out what is wrong. And to find compassion and a desire to be an advocate and help this little one. What does she like? Can you connect with her in that area? Girls her age usually enjoy "crafts" and helping to bake/cook things. Do you know anyone who is very good at crafts if you are not, and could spend time with her each week doing these things with her, if you can't. Like a grandmother, or one of your friends, or a neighbor girl who you could pay like a babysitter to do crafts with her? Can you connect with her through music and dancing around the living room, and laughing? How about a board game?

If you can help her to find just one "best friend" and help nurture that friendship, if she is unable to do it herself. Another friend had a daughter who did not make friends easily. The child was shy and quiet. The mom when to terrific lengths to help her daughter make friends. But the mom had to be really creative in her thinking to do fun things so that other girls would come over and play with her daughter. And it worked!

She may struggle with some sort of depression. Some describe the feeling as standing outside of your body watching yourself go through the motions of trying to interact with others. Could she be experiencing something like this from the trauma of her early childhood experiences, and the loss of her mother, even though her mom was not a good mom for her. That childlike wishful thinking that somehow that person will change and become the mom they were supposed to be? Or blaming herself somehow? Could that mother have said things that have caused this child to blame herself somehow?

I am glad that there are people like you who care, who are willing to do what is right, even when it is hard.

Immature 10 yr. old

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finedreams

sylviatexas1

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sweeby

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