i'd insist on a paternity test.

once you've established that, he can't give you grief later...i'm be realistic...at age 43 and in this current job market you need all the protection you can get...i do wonder just how much this yahooo can provide since he is already parenting 3 dds that you know of...

don't count on the grandparents..i still have nightmares of my dear cousin's dd living in the same town as her bio-grandma, and because HE didn't want her, gma NEVER saw her...her loss. thanks be my cousin finally met a wonderful man and help raise her to a lovely accomplished woman...but sadly both my cousin and her dh passed in her senior year of college...

plan your options...i'm delighted your ds has 3 older sisters to dote on him and supplement the love you all have...but remember they are his siblings NOT sub-moms...

I agree with all of the above. NOw that you have posted again please join us at the table again.

Welcome home to the table..

I agree with Raven. And welcome back. I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time.. hopefully, you will feel a lot of support from the table.

GET THE PATERNITY TEST. oops sorry. But you need the proof of parentage as others have said, maybe you don't need it financially now, but you may in the future. Your beautiful baby boy may need it in the future, and IT IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY. For many other reasons, but as someone said, if he dies (father not son), there is SS that would kick in.

You are not a fool, or anything. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You have a beautiful son. HE is making you feel ashamed. FROM EXPERIENCE, since he doesn't want contact, don't force it and cut yourself off from him, you don't need him. Life is better without jerks like that. My daughter is 30 and did not see her "sperm donor" while growing up..oh when she turned 18 he decided he wanted to see her, too little too late. Get counseling, you need to learn how to NOT beat yourself up.

Vickey

I agree with others that professional counseling would be in order. Not through your church. They support you and that is a good thing. But you need someone who can be completely objective in order to help you find your self esteem so you can move on.

I'll be honest when I first read you post I had to go back and re-read it. I thought it may have been written by a teen-ager. I mean really. He doesn't want you. It's not a fairy tale ending. You can't wish something to be by dreaming how he was before. He isn't that friend anymore that you knew. He became your "lover" (so you thought) and for him it was a fling. For you it was something else. Let it go. It is perfectly normal for 42 year old consenting adults to have sex. Without love. Actually it's a little weird if they don't. A guy who wants to sleep with you doesn't need to think he's "in love" to do it. You apparently do have to convince yourself it is love. But in the real world people have sex for all kinds of reasons. There is no shame there. It is the real world for normal healthy functioning adults.

You had an unplanned for pregnancy. Dad isn't interested. Grandparents aren't interested. So now you have to make your family with your son and your daughters and the friends who support you.

That said I am going to be more blunt. This part makes me see red. Your first and foremost responsibility is your son. That means you do things in his best interest, not what is easier for you. Child support is HIS RIGHT. It is not about you or whether or not his father wishes to be in his life or not. It's his right.

Forget about who is responsible or should haves,could haves or what you wish would happen. The child support is for your son. It is not a punishment for the father,nor is it for you. It is your sons. So it is not your decision to make if you really have his best interests at heart. I don't care if his father is the devil himself. You file and he pays.

I think most of the above is entirely too harsh on OP,whose life & emotions are already pretty raw;

Yes, reality is reality...
& pain, disappointment, & disillusionment are just as real as house payments & day care & blowing your nose & going on.

but as for

"I don't care if his father is the devil himself.
You file and he pays."

I couldn'da said it better my own self.

That be true too.

Sorry Sylvia but it seems the OP has plenty of people offering sympathy and she also has mine. But what I said is reality. Reality is harsh by nature but it is what adults have to face and live with. If they can't do that they will be forever in victim mode which to me is not a healthy nor a fun place to be. Nor does a child need a bitter mom who is unable to move on. The best gift she can give that child is to become as strong as she is able. Hopefully counseling can help her get there.

She needs to learn from the past,not live in it. Her future is with her kids and if she can move on perhaps even a good man in her life someday if that's what she wants.

I do hope that venting her frustration here has helped her. I hope she returns. But most of all I hope she gets help.

Wildchild, you said exactly what I was thinking. Sometimes it takes a kick to get our brains straightened out, so blunt or not, it's what she needs to do.

Now you've probably had more advice that you ever wanted, and you're probably consumed with this problem, why not come to the table. We can dish about your little guy. He's still pretty little now, but I bet you enjoy him. Sometimes thinking about others and other things can make us happy and cope better again.

I am sorry itiswell is having a hard time. I agree with wildchild though. The title of the posting is "betrayed". That word to me means that someone reneged on a promise. In this case I don't see from the original post that any promise was ever made by the man. It was just causal sex that resulted in a child. Both parties are responsible. She should file for child support although most men get out of paying it but at least try for the child's sake.
Joann

Trying to phrase this nicely, it just seems that you haven't had a whole lot of common sense from the get-go. Take off your rose colored glasses and get to the business of being Mom to your kids. Sometimes you might just want something so bad that you are willing to overlook things but as a mother you can't afford that luxury of overlooking (the obvious) because your children need you to see the naked truth. He's no good.
Good luck getting on with your life. ((hugs))

I agree 100% with Wildchild.

Definitely file for child support...if you don't need the money now, put it in an account for college. It will be appreciated.

I can't imagine why the op wouldn't file for support. She has had two years to get over it and figure things out. Unless.....

Actually, I suspect another new poster is trying out a story on the supportive, gullible old kitchen table. Maybe even a poster who has done it several times over the years.

When I saw your username, "It is well" .. after noting it a couple of times, a completion that I've heard came to mind, " ... with my soul": which is from an old hymn, I think.

ole joyful

I had my little doubts, too, Sherrman.

The not filing for child support is a huge red flag. So is the going to the grandparents - my jaw just dropped reading about that move.

But maybe the story is true, in which case everything Wildchild said applies.

Put on the big girl panties, take off the rose colored glasses. He doesn't want a relationship, but he OWES child support to his child. So get it.

I tend to agree with you Shermann. I only read about half & decided it didn't pass my "sniff test". Not unlike FMsWife.

As Sylvia pointed out, it is not just child support that your child is due, but social security, should this man pass while your son is still a minor.
Try not to waste your precious reserves on feelings of shame. I think trusting in a long friendship is a pretty normal thing to do.
However, your first clue was when he was clear he did not want you to have this child. Going to his parents probably did not encourage him to come around either. It is sad. it is disappointing, but I'd consider him gone and if he does come around again, I consider his position and role is as a father to his son, not a friend to you.
I understand your concern about the impact to your daughters. So.. show them what strong women do - they take care of themselves and their children.
I wish you the best of luck.

Welcome to the table. What was your user name when you posted here before?

At this point there is no sorting out who/when in this long, long list of sad sad decision making is a fault. The bottom line is there is ONE MORE small child growing up in a not great for HIM situation. Sure you will do your best and your best could well be commendable..but it is not what is BEST for HIM. Best is two parents committed to each other and HIM forever. Best is HIM waking up every day with both parents there to meet HIS needs. Best gives HIM the greatest chance at a healthy psyche, body, emotional make up. If he had been given up for adoption he would not grow up knowing his mom harbors great anger/resentment for the "father". He would not grow up knowing he is one of many his dad "fathered" willy nilly all over the State. He would not grow up being a pawn in an adolescent like game of "you did ME ME ME wrong". I feel for you, but seriously being a mom means this is no longer about you. Take this creep sperm donor to court. Make sure this boy has the money he needs to go to college and get out of the quagmire of a circus life is going to be for him until then. Realize, at any point bio dad can demand his legal right to 50/50 custody. You have guaranteed this creep will be a part of every holiday/school break/weekend in you and your daughter's lives FOREVER. His demands will always have to be dealt with. Marriage or in your case "love" isn't forever..but joint parenting is. 24/7;365 for as long as this boy does live!! For your son's sake I am glad your "morning after pill" "failed" you. For your son's sake I am glad you lived up to your responsibility and gave him LIFE.
At least it can be said there was one good decision surrounding his entrance into this world. I hope it is enough to see him through.

I have my doubts too. If it is true, I agree with what Wildchild said.

Joyfulguy, yes..its is well with my soul is one of my favorite hymns and I remind myself "it is well" a lot these days, hence the name choice.
Thank you to all who wrote words of encouragement, and even to those who gave constructive criticism. In its totality it is all helpful. To the persons who doubt this is real, wow, do people still do that? And to the person who asked what my name was ten years ago at the Kitchen Table, well even if I remembered I wouldnt tell you. To the person who questioned why no child support (Shermann/Mary C?) and stated it was a red flag, in response I would like to thank the people who suggested getting the child support even if I don't think I need it (good advice) I just figured I would try to do this without anything from him. And to those that mentioned social security, thank you so much, I never even thought of that. Shernann, I havent had two years to "get over it". My son is two months old, so it hasnt been a year. Dealing with taking care of an ailing dad who eventually died, while going through this pregnancy, an older stepson who was brutally murdered, a dear friend who I talked to on Thursday and by Saturday she was gone,all during my pregnancy are things I did not mention in my original post because they were not the subject of this post and I try not to dwell on them. Need I also mention that while pregnant with my five year old, three loved ones died, including my only beloved sister? No. Because now it becomes bizarrre and even more unbelievable. Welcome to my world m'aam or sir. So sorry that I have not gotten over it fast enough for you. Im doing the best I can and thank God for his promise that I can do ALL things through him. To the person who questioned my use of the title Betrayed, well betrayal by a friend is what happened here, must there be stated promises for betrayal to follow? I have never told my best friend I promise never to hurt you etc etc, but if I hurt her, Im sure she'd feel betrayed. He was, before becoming sexually involved, my best friend. (I thought:)) Thank you gardenspice for confirming that this is normal.
Arcy you are so right in many ways.Its a very sad situation Ive gotten myself and son into here and its far too common...thanks to the person/persons who said not to beat myself up...and to the people that mentioned counseling,,,anything to ensure Im the best parent possible for my children, Im willing to try
Wildchild, we differ on some things, but I take your point about the child support.
To the person who said it was unbelievable that I went to his parents, Im not sure why. My child is not a secret and I would want to know. I actually prayed about that and even did internet research and spoke with friends. Some said tell, some said dont, not sure what God wanted, but its done. That was a tough move though. As of today no word. It is well:) Blessings.

I'm sorry that so many people jumped on you;
it seems like there's a group mentality to wait until someone offers a negative or critical comment & jump in with escalating criticism or condemnation or browbeating.

Do the best you can, take the advice that helps, & remember that there's a reason politicians try not to say anything!

Sylvia, thanks, you are right.

Well I believe it because I had to go back and re-read it to see if this was written by a friend of mine. It's almost an exact story down to her age.

These are the things I suggested she do:
1. Go for the money. Seems like she had hopes that he would come back and going for child support would alienate him more.
2. Ask yourself, do you really want someone that flaky raising your child? There's nothing more heart wretching than hearing about little boys all packed up and ready to go with the father for the weekend and he doesn't show up.
3. Put your emotions and efforts into finding someone decent who will help you raise him.

At least in your case he didn't deny the child was his and convince his parents of this.

Good luck and I agree, seek help if you're having trouble moving on.

Guess it should be heart wrenching. (I think).

It sounds as thought there are several childen with different fathers who are not there to help raise them. I'm not casting stones - but just suggesting that, if that is the case, you take better precautions in the future.

I also think that you should go for child support. And, by the way, don't expect anything more from this sperm donor.

"I'm not casting stones"

hmmmmm.....

sylvia - do you have a point you're trying to make?

Do you disagree that it is advisable to take precautions to not bring more children into the world with absent fathers?

If you have a point to make, make it. Don't be a pigeon person.

sorry, don't know what a "pigeon person" is, but I'm pretty sure I made my point, thanks.

Actually, you didn't make your point.

A pigeon person is someone who flies in, sh*ts over everything, and files away, thinking that they made a point.

No idea what yours was. So - do you disagree that taking precautions is a wise idea? Apparently you do. Alrighty then.

My comments were to the OP, not to you, so I don't need to get involved in a debate with you.

I also think that perhaps counseling is a wise investment. Repeated bad luck with men, the impact of that on the children.....like suzieque suggests, the future will include more of the same unless there is an understanding of what draws you to unhealthy (selfish?) men.

We are only as healthy as the partners we choose.

So I vote for therapy.

OP said, "And to the person who asked what my name was ten years ago at the Kitchen Table, well even if I remembered I wouldnt (sic) tell you."

Well, all I did was welcome you back to the Table. I asked about your previous screen name because when people have been gone and come back we like to be able to say, "Oh, I remember you." Perhaps you have a reason for not wanting to be remembered. You could have just said, "I don't remember." There was no reason for you to be rude.

Well, we needed some excitement here.
Can't wait to see where this story goes.

Someone pass the popcorn please. :-)

Thanks, Jodi. Just read through this entire thread. Got a good laugh from you.

Lolz. Many men and absent fathers?? Where on earth did that come from. Ive been married once and had three children from that marriage. My ex husband is not an absent father. He is very present in the lives of our daughters. Anyway, I am done. Many thanks to those who were helpful and kind. I appreciate you. It is well. Blessings.

I think people are skeptical because you are telling very personal things to people you don't know, asking advice from strangers. There have been several people who did just this thing in the past, got everybody all riled up, and then just disappeared.

A pregnancy accident doesn't just "happen", sorry. Take some responsibility. Use birth control and be more careful in the future. Or better yet, get your tubes tied.

i see nothing much has changed here...the same old biddies that doubt someone's stories are at it again.
yup, way to go ladies! :/

Oh come on! More than half the people walking around in the US are the result of an unplanned pregnancy. Give the woman a break. She's being very strong in a rotten situation. She obviously loves her kids and is doing her utmost to give them the best possible. I agree that she should get everything she can from her son;s father. He is responsible for his son, too. I can't say that I blame her for not wanting anything to do with father, though. I;d want him totally out of my life, but the financial side of it makes that difficult.

Itiswell, I am rooting for you!

Oh come on yourself, Dedtired. By the time a woman is 42 she should understand the basic biology of what happens when two people have unprotected sex, not to mention the dangers of STDs. The guy has had multiple partners who obviously weren't practicing safe sex, either. "Give the woman a break"? Who's going to give the fatherless child a break because someone who is old enough to know better plays russian roulette with his life? I am sick and tired of people not taking responsibility for their actions!

No comments and each of us have to live our own lives and not reveal too much to others we know nothing about and again as I have previouse stated, once it is posted on the internet, some stay forever. I do wish you the best in your life.
Marie

Hey Catalyst... if you want to believe everything you read on the internet, then that's your perogative. Calling people "old biddies" because they might not be as gullible as you is kinda rude.

@ sleeperblues..."There have been several people who did just this thing in the past, got everybody all riled up, and then just disappeared."

i wonder how many disappeared because of the mob mentality that exists here, could it be that ya think???
it seems all you need here is one to start it, and the rest crawl out of the woodwork.

such a shame really...

If you don't like it, Cat, find another sandbox to stir up.

Sleeperblues, you miss the point entirely. Get off your soapbox. The child is here. You can "woulda, shoulda" until you're blue in the face and that fact isn't going to change. She wants to do the right thing for her children and is taking responsibility for them.

Ok, this is not usually something I would take part in but want to state that you can get pregnant at 42 and using birth control. Guess how I know!

My heart goes out to you, because he is obviously no good, never has been. Just be happy your son is healthy and happy and move on. If you can, move away from there where you aren't so close and don't run the risk of running into him. Like Dr. Phil says, nobody can do anything to you that you don't allow them to do. I don't mean to sound cold, but a man with three daughters who never married either mother would not be someone I would ever think of sleeping with, and after he said all those horrible things, I would never want him in my child's life.

"If you don't like it, Cat, find another sandbox to stir up."

lol no, i don't think i will. as we would say when we were kids,
i don't have to, you're not the boss of me!

btw, there you go, being 'bossy'...tsk-tsk-tsk! :p

Just for the record, this IS the old biddy site. hehe that's what I've always called it anyway (and please, I include myself in that description)...sooooo many more people read this than you may realize, just like me, who never or rarely post. But, I do come to read and I am almost guaranteed to find someone posting with their panties in a wad over something that has no relation to the OP. Good job.

As for the OP...good on you girl. You stay strong and positive for your kids.