We decided long ago, that if a family member (even those related by blood) isn't someone we'd normally befriend, if we met them as strangers, there's absolutely no reason for us to have to put up with them purely because of an accident of birth. Now in your case, this girl isn't even related to you.

I see no reason at all why you should take her on a family vacation. How old is your son? If he's of age, then I'd simply tell him this vacation is just for you and your husband, no extras this time. If your son is under 18, then I'd go with 'just family this time'. Make it a positive thing, and don't allow yourself to be argued or wheedled into changing your mind. The current rising prices on everything are another point in your favor. You're cutting back, etc.

Guess you can tell that yes, we have experienced something along these lines. I've mentioned the situation before, but when one of DH's siblings stole a great deal of money, we didn't feel that we were bound to keep them in our lives any longer--we needed to protect our own assets, and we certainly didn't feel the same about them after that. In my family, there are a couple of kids my sis has raised that the rest of us have always treated the same as we treated our birth and adopted nieces and nephews. But these 2 kids have become dangerous--very ghetto, involved in some illegal and marginal activities, with dangerous friends. Probably drug use. Truthfully, we don't want them in our home any longer--we feel it's simply too dangerous at this point. Fortunatley, they live a fair distance away, and the problem hasn't come up--but I know my sister isn't going to be pleased, if she realizes how we feel. But just because she choses to be abused by these kids (in a number of ways--financially, verbally, as well as physically), I don't see that the rest of us have to subject ourselves to that.

I agree, the simplest solution would be not to take her. Maybe if your son sees you pulling away from her, it might spark a thought in his mind. Not that he has to pull away BUT that you see reason to pull away. No need to explain. Just be nice about it. If he asks, this might be the time to tell him that vacations are uncomfortable when you see how he is treated and you would like some freedom to enjoy yourself. (If he doesn't mind how he's being treated then they can go on their own vacation.) Plenty of grown kids LIKE going on their own vacations without mom and pop. I've seen plenty of family conflicts pass on this board and the obvious, most easiest, direct solutions are not even used by the person with the problem. Just say no, not this time.
I know my in laws love me but I would grate on them because my dh and I both do household chores. I do more but he will do things when he can or if the need arises. So on vacation if my dh would raise a hand to DO ANYthing remotely household, my MIL would get all nervous and tell him to sit down so he doesn't hurt himself. She has finally gotten over herself after 20 years of us being married, that he CAN help at holiday dinners and he will do dishes or pour tea or something 'WOMEN' do. So what would grate on her during a family vacation would be normal to me. I doubt we could ever travel together, ever! :)

If they are living together, you not wanting her to come would put him in a terribly awkward position of having to choose between you and her. I think, to keep the piece, you either suck it up and invite her alone or you don't invite either of them. Don't make him choose between you, you might not like his decision.

Good luck. My DB was dating a girl we didn't like much, but we knew we had to tolerate her and find the good. We did, it was getting better, but then they broke up anyway, now he's alone again and I'm not sure how happy that makes me. I mean, I'm glad he's available should a nicer lady come along, but I hate for him to be lonely and unhappy.

I agree with Azzalea in ways to get out of taking her along. No offense but I have to wonder why your son allows her mistreat him. There's nothing wrong with guiding him in his relationship, while staying out of particular incidents. How else will he learn to treat his significant other as well as how to demand being treated? Unfortunately, parents often don't think to tell their teenagers, then they look up and it's too late. If teenage girls, for example, are not taught to look for the signs of abuse, how will they know to avoid guys who are abusive? The same with teenage boys should be taught to be manly and assertive and not be led around by the nose. You don't say how old your son is, but I don't see how it could hurt you telling him to speak up for himself and not allow her to treat him the way she does. By virtue of personality, some youngsters don't need that guiding hand, but others do.

I had problems with my MIL, and she's now passed on. I used to think to myself "Would I choose her as a friend if I wasn't related to her, thru her son?" And the answer was NO!!!

I am sorry you are going through this. FYI, I don't have kids, so this is just my 2c.

It seems like you're trying to be polite and ignore something that hurts you. But sometimes our hurts are there for a reason- to tell us something is wrong.

What kind of behavior are you talking about here on her part that makes you uncomfortable? If you don't like the way she treats your son enough to not want to be around her, a firm and truthful statement about how you and his dad feel and what your concerns are could be helpful in the long run, so long as you don't feel like you would risk alienating your son.

Depending on how it goes, you might even ask questions of him about his feelings or her, in a way that can open conversation and remove the feeling that you are attacking her.

You might clear things up and feel a whole lot better about everything. but even if that doesn't happen, your son will know you are looking out for him, even if he wishes you'd back off for now:-)

I re-read your post. The phrases 'treats my son' and 'many years now' seem to be the keys.

We really do not know how she treats your son. Is she demanding? or rude, or physically violent, or selfish? Has she spent all his money? Does she cheat on him? Is the behaviour actually dangerous to him? or merely distasteful to you?

Then, there's the 'many years'--one would assume that they've been together for a long time. Which means probably that they're both adults now. So you're limited in what you can and cannot say. Add to that the fact that apparently this is a longterm relationship--which probably means it's a bit late to start giving him advice about it. The patterns are set. And really, if they've been together that long, they're both getting something out of it. I'd be willing to guess that your son doesn't mind the behavior nearly as much as you do, or he'd have broken things off long ago. Every couple is different, and relates to each other in whatever way they are comfortable with.

Which just brings me back to pretty much what I was saying before. If she bothers you, limit your time in their presence, but I really don't see the need to start a feud over this now--unless she's using some sort of mind control, and you feel he needs to be rescued. After all, if they're grown and on their own, they don't need to be hanging around with you on vacation. Plan something special for you and your husband, and let the kids do their on vacationing, on their own.

I would never feel like I had to take a girlfriend ( boyfriend) on a family vacation.. Simply tell your son she is not invited this year.

I had a very difficult MIL. She was always right in all areas. Very negative about everything. Wonderful FIL... I could have told her off many times but never did because of my respect for my FIL and my husband. Plus she loved our 3 kids dearly and was very good to them. Our children would see all of this on their own in later years. Sometimes you just have to deal with what has been dealt to you. She and FIL are both gone now and I can say I do miss them.

I agree with azzalea. I get the impression that son + GF are adults and they have lived together for quite some time. If that's so, I don't see how you could invite your son and not her. Even though they aren't married, they are an established couple.

You should plan your vacation without them.

"A daughter is a daughter all of her life...a son,only a son,till he takes him a wife"

I know what you're going thru....my DS married the thing he calls a wife and I am "supposed" to refer to as a DIL......I "tolerate" it,for my DS.
If I had my way,no,I wouldnt ever be friends with that thing.
Example....July 1999

The thing works,and works hard.
She rarely, if ever took time off,for anything.
One day,I made plans with her,around her schedule,to take her to lunch.
On my way to the resaurant of her choice,I stopped at a local florist and bought her some Star Gazer Lillies..."just because".
This girl had/has never been treated that way..mind you,this was common for our family.
We had lunch,she was supposedly "thrilled" with the flowers.
She called my son that nite to tell him about the lunch date..then she dropped the bomb....
"I wonder what your Mothers ulterior motive is..what have I done now...what did I do to you that she doesnt like"?..that was exactly what she asked my son.
He shut her down with the comment that there was no ulterior motive,that Mom just does this cuz she likes to,and can.
It doesnt matter..it never changed things with her..neither did any of the other one million things I tried to do to make her feel accepted as family.

What you choose to do I cannot help you with.
What I can tell you is...good luck

Just you and your husband go on the holiday alone. :-)
I'll only add one more thing.....
The hardest part of being a parent is to stay quiet and
let your children make their own mistakes.

Could it be that you put your son on a pedestal and she does not? There is something about her that he loves or he would be gone. I think if they have been together that long - they are a package deal. If you don't want the whole package, then don't invite him. Don't make him make a choice. You might not like what he chooses.

In my opinion it's no vacation if you have to spend it with someone you don't like. You'd might as well stay home and dislike her. LOL Cheaper too.

I pretty much affirm what kathy said...you don't like her...don't invite them...but my advice to any MIL would be to butt out and leave them be...you never actually know what goes on in your childrens marriages and the best thing you can do is be accepting of their own decisions. I had parents and was lucky enough to have in-laws that saw fit to let us live our lives without their opinions and butting in and I made up my mind from reading and hearing all the dreaded DIL and MIL stories that I wouldn't put myself or my DIL in that position. My DIL and I didn't mesh right off the bat...infact I didn't like her much at all and then I realized that who and what she was amounted to issues they had...I backed off and let them solve their issues without getting involved and I love her today as much as one of my own...It's hard for a mother to let go and even harder to accept that our children don't want us making decisions or being under foot all the time...They don't need or want to include us in every facet of their lives ...up to and including every holidays....I love the relationship that we have with out kids....It is so totally truthful and it is so totally loving without them as "the children" having to stroke us constantly...we mind our business and let them mind their own....I guess what I am saying is she is what she is and you can go through life with the I hate her attitude of you can find the same thing to love in her that you son has found...just let them vacation on their own and you do your own...

Are we the only family that don't take our adult children on our vacations?

When we attend 'family reunions', the children (adult) who want to go do go. On their own.

If we rent a house at the beach, the children are invited to visit, not necessarily for the whole time. And no pressure if they don't want to.

We also don't go with them on their vacations.

Hmmm! I say a little prayer before spending time with my DIL. But, I love my Grands and want to enjoy time with them. We do a 3 day Weekend at the Lake with them often. My Daughter and I have agreed that we don't talk about the DIL behind her back or to my Son.

Verbally picking apart a person that is "different" only magnifys the problem.

My Son recently called while DIL was a work and complained for the first time to me about her spending. One of the longest conversations my Son has ever had with me. They share a checking account. I tried really hard to keep my mouth shut. As I was briefed more and more, I had to speak out. I offered my 2 cents about finances. I tried to base the conversation on my mistakes as a "young Mother" and not about her. Hopefully, I didn't sound to "b*tchy".

All I can say is "Pray about it".

Gayle

I think I would continue to tolerate her because of my son. I always try to "keep my eyes on the prize" when dealing with family members I'd not choose to be with otherwise (this includes my only sibling). While on vacation, though, I would try to put as much distance between me and her as possible -- not because I dislike her, but because I wouldn't want her to ruin my vacation.