what to do with troublesome family members (sorry, very long)

21 years ago

Seeing how things have been kind of slow lately, thought I would throw this one out there, just to get some input. Many of my friends have given me advice already (advice I agree with) but, I have found this group to be pretty insightful, so here goes.

The situation is with certain of my husband's family members.

My husband and I met in February 2001. It started off pretty slow. I had just gotten divorced and wasn't really looking for a committed relationship, just some fun, casual dating. But, things just "clicked," you know? Three months after we met, my husband told me he wanted to marry me and have a baby. Three months later, we found out baby was on the way! After discussing all our options (when we were sober rather than intoxicated), he bought a ring. We got married in January 2002 (on my 28th birthday!), our son was born in April 2002 (he will be one tomorrow, time flies!!)

While the way things went was not exactly, shall we say, conventional, we are adults (I am 29, he is 36), after all. We both already had one child each and there is no issue with money. I make very good money and had just bought (on my own) a nice house in a great school district. My parents and his mom and step-dad have been very supportive, but then, there is his dad.

His dad was visibly angry when he got the news. Angry because, as my husband later informed me, he thought I was after my husband's money. I don't know what ever gave him that impression, I had met my FIL only once before he got the joyous news, so I felt it was rather unfair of him to say something like that. My husband and I agreed (at that time) to keep our finances separate, so we knew his accusations were utterly ridiculous and considering what day care costs (good god!), money was definitely not the motivation behind getting pregnant . . . it was love and only love. It's hard to have "warm and fuzzy" feelings about someone when you are off to that start! (hang in there, it gets better!)

The next thing that happened that set some alarms off is that, when my son was about four weeks old, we had dinner with my MIL and my husband's siblings. My SIL told me, first, how much she disliked my SS's mother and two, that my SS's mother told her that she (my SS's mother) was jealous of the baby. My SIL seemed very pleased to offer this (unsolicited) tidbit, but I was sitting there thinking, okay, you say that you dislike her, but then, how is it she confided in you about her feelings towards my child? I knew right then exactly what the game was, that some members of my husband's family found it amusing to meddle in his relationship with his son.

So anyway, I find this website, liked some of the advice people had to offer and posted a few items about my stepfamily situation, nothing really all that shocking, pretty mild compared to other stuff I have seen. Well, my husband's ex-girlfriend (not my SS's mother) recognized me. I never imagined someone would recognize me, so I didn't take too many pains to hide who I was. The next thing I know, she graciously pulls my SS's mother into it. Both of them proceed to call me names and insult both me and my husband something horrible. I'll admit I got a few digs of my own in (hey, I am not a saint, when provoked, I will have a few things to say).

But, the other thing was, the ex-girlfriend sure knew a lot about my personal life. So I called a family meeting. I asked (without mentioning who I heard what from) why they felt it was necessary to go behind my back, why can't they bring certain issues up to me so that I could address them. They said that they knew I was referring to information given to the ex-girlfriend and to my SS's mother, that they (the ex-girlfriend and my SS's mother) always try to pry information about our affairs out of them and that my FIL "slipped" and told them certain private information about both me and my husband. They then go on to tell me how much they dislike both of them, and my FIL tells me how, while I was pregnant, my SS's mother was threatening to harm my unborn child. This troubled me - what mother wouldn't be troubled by someone wishing harm on her child? I asked my SS's mother whether she said this, she says my FIL lied, she never said that. Whether she's lying or they are lying, I just wish I didn't even know about people making threats (or even inventing threats) against my innocent baby.

So, they admitted they said certain things about me and my husband, but these are the reasons given for what they have done:

1) there was an incident up north where I left because my BIL's kids got their 92 pound rottweiler to jump in the bed in which I was sleeping. I was twelve weeks pregnant at the time, and if it weren't for the fact that my husband rolled over on me and kept the dog from jumping on me, that dog would have been right on top of me. I was very shaken and I just got up and went home without saying a word, mostly because I was crying and would have been incoherent if I tried to even say a word. Forgive me if that was wrong, but I only weighed 120 pounds at the time (and I am down to 115, thanks to the fabulous "chasing a one-year old around the house" diet, LOL), and a 92 pound dog almost landing right on top of my stomach while I was lying on my back, twelve weeks pregnant, was VERY scary.

2) I ate some stuffed cabbage (at my SIL's invitation) while up north. Mind you, every time I go over someone's house I never arrive empty-handed, but, I guess I know now that it's rude to eat food that is offered to you. Forgive my ignorance.

3) My husband's crime? He's a bad father (well, at least that's what these guys say, I think he's been a very good father, since I have been in his life. I can't speak to what kind of father he was before I met him, I wasn't there. But, until I see evidence of him being a bad father, I think I'll keep him). My thought is, even if that's true, how does any of this help him to be a better father?

I can't really say I was surprised that they were going behind my back and my husband's back and spreading gossip. They gossip about everyone, including the ex-girlfriend and my SS's mother. I've heard all about how the ex-girlfriend got cheated on and dumped by her fireman boyfriend (don't know if it's true, that's just the story everyone gets a kick out of circulating).

My husband and I are surprised by her actions, because he truly thought she cared about his son, but how can someone start problems like that if they cared about the children involved? I mean, people crab on internet sites, it's a good way to vent (like I am doing now, feels good to get this all off my chest). For her to go and tell my SS's mother about my post, was that really necessary? I guess that's the risk I took posting stuff on the internet but I've never done anything to her personally. She was so angry and insulting towards me, I really don't know why. My husband saw everything she posted and he was really surprised and disappointed in her. He thought there were no hard feelings between them; they were still friends when I met him. He had no idea she was still so angry with him (they broke up years ago and she broke up with him and started dating someone else right away, at least that's what I have been told). I am just curious why someone would be so malicious.

Well, that's my tale. My question is, what role should my FIL, BIL and SIL play in my life and in my childrens' life? I will never be comfortable around them. If given a choice, I wouldn't bother with them anymore. But, I am willing to do anything my husband asks me to, because I love him. If asks me to "make nice," I will try. As of right now, he is not asking me to do that because he is just as disgusted by all this as I am (maybe even more, considering his own family being so completely unsupportive).

Comments (7)

mom_2_4
21 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I think you have a SIL and BIL who like meddling and causing a stir, no matter who it hurts. As for your FIL, who knows what his problem is. My advice would be to steer clear of these trouble-makers as much as possible. When you do see them (family functions, etc.), make nice-nice, but don't be their best friend. And don't offer up any details of your life. Surface stuff, yeah ... like "Well, the baby's doing great. Took his first steps" ... innocuous stuff like that, but no more. If they start prying for details, politely excuse yourself and walk away, even if it's going to the bathroom. And for God's sake, don't stay overnight in their homes, or invite them into yours! That's begging for trouble.

No matter how you met and married, the fact is that you are his wife and they should respect that (even your FIL!) whether they are happy about it or not. I suspect that these people have always been ugly and manipulative, even before you came along. As for the X, well, she just needs to mind her business. She probably won't, so just ignore her. Completely. Communicate with her only when absolutely necessary for the sake of your step child, but other than that, stay away. If your SIL and BIL want to get together with her and gossip, go right ahead. Just try not to give them any ammo and if they are talking about you, blow it off. They're not worth your time.
Pashan
21 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
My SD bio mom was very jealous of our marriage and children when my hubby and I got married. She was also still friends with my SIL, neice and MIL. This caused many problems for a while. Eventually she got over her jealousy and its not really an issue any longer. I never had the serious problems you are having though.

I think your family meeting was a great idea and I also think the only thing you CAN do is ignore all of the meddlesome folks in his family. If you react to them with too much emotion they will see that they are "winning" and keep at it. They are nothing more than school yard bullies. He seems to be supportive of you in this situation, many husbands wouldn't be. Just ignore them, they are simply trying to cause problems. I agree with Mom_2_4 - just play nice in public and ignore them whenever you can. Eventually they'll make themselves look worse then you ever could!

I think Dr. Phil would love to get his hands on this one!
Related Discussions
Hi, new member .. sorry long post !
Q
Comments (10)
Hi leafwatcher, and welcome to the forum. Warning: it's as addictive as the hostas! I live about 100 miles due east of you with similar conditions, and Great Expectations is my favorite of the 800 or so varieties I grow. This is a hosta that, unlike most, has some very specific requirements to grow well. And if grown well, it will be truly spectacular--my largest measures 32 inches tall, 5 1/2 feet across, and looks good all season. First and most importantly, GE must be planted shallowly. Too many people plant this one too deep, since it's going to be a large plant at maturity. When planted this way, GE will, over the course of a few years, dwindle in size and then simply disappear. You want the crown of the plant right at the top of the soil, with only a very thin layer of dirt covering it. Secondly, GE need plenty of sun in order to thrive. If planted in heavy shade, it will grow at a glacially slow pace, taking years to throw a new division. It needs at least half sun to do really well, and it will take absolutely full sun. Most of mine are planted in half to three quarter sun. The third requirement is lots of water, which this year just isn't a problem! But in a dry summer, make sure you water GE quite deeply and regularly. If give these three things, GE will be the most beautiful hosta in your garden. The same growing conditions apply to Thunderbolt, Dream Weaver, and Dream Queen, as these are all selections from GE. Your hosta list looks very nice indeed, not a bum plant in the lot. You do, however, need to add a Montana Aureomarginata to your garden as soon as possible, unless the one you have listed as Aureo Marginata is a montana rather than a fortunei or a ventricosa. If you can't find MA at a good price locally, email me privately--I have about 20 of these that I'm growing out. And then of course, you will want to get a few minis and small hostas--everything you currently have is medium to large. And then you will want to start digging up your lawn to plant more hostas, and raiding the kid's college fund to buy more hostas, and, well, you get the idea--these plants are majorly addictive. Enjoy!
...See More
How would handle this? Very long - sorry.
Q
Comments (33)
Ok, portrait aside...I think there is a bigger problem. Why are you calling all the shots? Have you asked your siblings if they even want to be in the picture and what they think about who should be in it and what you are doing? Get on the phone and ask them... I would never just arrange to have a pic with me and my siblings without going over with them who would be in it, etc. I think it's the fact that you appear to be controlling everything and everyone that may be the real problem. "Your plan" really doesn't matter if it brings heartache to any one family, marriage or wife. It really doesn't matter how many photos you've gone through or how much better or easier the pic would look with just you six. If you are hurting someone, you need to rethink your options. And I gotta tell you from a traditional etiquette standpoint, not including spouses can be kind of harsh... they are either considered part of the family or they are not. I think it's naive to think you're not gonna ruffle some feathers. Although your idea may be best...you didn't allow others who should have had a say in it, vote, so now not only is it not the best idea but hardly anyone will be happy with it. Back to the drawing board...
...See More
What to do? Other family members obstacle to decluttering.
Q
Comments (20)
I think you need two different approaches, one for your DD and one for your DH. If the idea of letting something go so that someone else can use it and treasure it isn't working, I'd stop that and move on to something else. In dealing with your DH, first I'd declutter your stuff as much as possible, which it sounds like you are doing. Then I'd tackle joint things. Let's take the 5 corkscrews. Let's assume they are rattling around in a kitchen drawer. And let's assume that no one really needs more than 1 corkscrew. And let's also assume that you are the main cook and bottle washer in the family, and that the kitchen is largely considered your turf. Approach your DH about the corkscrews. This time, give him a goal that you are working toward. "DH, I'm going through all the kitchen drawers. My goal is to clear them out enough so that I can easily reach into a drawer and grab exactly what I need without having to search for it. This will make cooking easier and faster and more pleasant for me." He should be willing to buy into such a goal. Why would he want to make cooking more difficult for you? "Now, DH darling, we have 5 corkscrews. They are all very nice. Can you tell me which one works the best? Which one means the most to you (sentimental value, actual value, whatever)? How would you feel if we kept only those two?" Note that you are letting him choose which ones to keep. If he fusses, let him pick a third one to keep. If he really fusses, "Okay, I can see that you don't want to let any of these go. That's okay. I will continue to work on the kitchen. Maybe I can create enough space so that we can keep all five. If I can't, then we may have to revisit this. Is that okay with you? Can you think of another solution? Would you like to think about it and get back to me?" I've found that if you make it clear that you are honoring the other person's wishes, *sometimes* they will, in a few weeks or months, voluntarily offer to get rid of some the things you were trying to toss. If they don't, then you make that thing theirs. You can do this with the CD set right away. "Okay, you want to keep these CDs because they look nice. I am giving them to you. They are now yours. You will decide whether to keep them or let them go at a future date." "But, I need to warn you. I am decluttering the family room. My goal is to have a neat, organized and easy to clean family room that only takes 10 minutes every night to pick up. In order to do that, it needs to be easy to put everything away, which means that we can't double-shelve the CDs and books anymore." "These CDs will need to fit on the shelves that we have decided will hold the CDs. That may mean that some other CDs will have to go. But we don't have to make that decision right now." What underlies making the contested object his, is that at some point, you will designate space in the house for all his stuff. A study if you have a room to spare. Certain shelves in the family room and garage and basement. His half of the bedroom closet. You also designate a certain amount of shared space for CDs and DVDs and books and so on. He can keep *anything* he wants in his areas. The kicker is that he's not going to be able to keep *everything* he wants. He's going to run out of room. That's when, in addition to the goal argument, you pull out the cost argument. Storage costs money. You need a certain size house to hold your family and the things it needs and wants. You need to buy storage furniture (shelves, cabinets, etc.) to hold all the things. Sure, you can keep adding more shelves, more cabinets, but at some point, the rooms are crowded and don't look attractive, because of all the stuff in them. Your choice is either to declutter or to buy more storage--rent a self-store unit, buy a bigger house. Storage costs money. Present your DH with a goal that costs money, money that could be spent on storage or that could be saved for your goal--a new car, a romantic cruise for two, college for the kids. And then, if all else fails, take the two corkscrews that DH has determined are most important and leave them where they are. Box up the others along with the CDs and store them somewhere out of the way. But not in a self-store unit, because you are saving money for that romantic cruise. And when the basement, attic and garage are so full that no more of DH's boxed-up extras will fit, some of them will probably be damaged enough that he will let you get rid of them.
...See More
Making do, wwyd? (long,sorry)
Q
Comments (20)
We have had the same problems in our 1908 house as far as the dishwasher goes. We cannot fit one in because our counters are not tall enough, which is common in old houses, especially when there are multiple layers of flooring. So for the last 6 years, we have not had a dishwasher and I don't really miss it. We are currently planning out our new kitchen. I am keeping all of the original flat-panel, inset cabinets - the uppers are 50" tall- I love them. We probably will put in a dishwasher because my husband wants one. After a year of planning the new kitchen, I finally have a plan that meets all of my needs and most of my desires, without removing any of the original features of the house. I am so glad that I went through the process of living in the house and using the kitchen as is. Now I really know what needs to be done, and how to manage it. Your plan sounds like a good one. It will give you time to live in the house and come up with a long term solution to the kitchen issues. Diane
...See More
lea808
Original Author
21 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thanks, as much as I have tried to just forget about it, I really needed to vent and it really helped to just get it off my chest.

Part of it is that I just need to get over it. It hurt because I really had (and still have) good intentions from the start (meaning the start of my new relationship). I only wanted to start a new life with a new family and have a good time with my boys. I lost my temper a couple of times and said some rude stuff (at the family meeting and on the internet when the ex-girlfriends were going off on me), so I am kind of disappointed in myself too. But, oh well, it's never too late to just pick those good intentions back up and keep smiling. I am just a little wiser now and I am definitely going to take the good advice I got this post. Thanks!
lazy_gardens
21 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Ignore their attempts to spread gossip, don't hand them any ammunition, and be civil.

If they continue with their attempts to sabotage the marriage, you might have to divorce THEM.
Pashan
21 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I understand Lea, I had to deal with an exwife when I first married my husband and it was so hard. She was very jealous of our relationship and our "perfect" family. She was bitter and mean. I didn't know how to deal with it, I had in-laws who were her friends... I used to just cry and my hubby didn't understand. She eventually got re-married and that ended her jealousy of us. My in-laws finally saw her for the manipulative lying witch that she is and broke ties with her. Finally I feel like they accept me as their DIL and not just their son's second wife...

My situation wasn't as extreme as yours but I can relate to your feelings. I said some things I wasn't proud of in my fights with him and his family over his ex. (They see now that I was right all along and that she is a nut!)

I think you have every reason to hold your head high and be proud. I am sure it's not easy feeling like his whole family is against you. Focus on your family and try to ignore his. Remember to be thankful that you have his support.

I hope things get better for you guys. A new family is stressful enough when the circumstances are perfect, so much worse in your situation.

P
lea808
Original Author
20 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I am very thankful I have his support. He loves our son so much and just wants all of us to be happy.

The plan for now is: 1) no more up north; 2) no more going to my FIL's house; 3) at other family functions, we will be civil; and 4) as for them coming to our home, that's my husband's call. Anyone my husband wants to come to our home is always welcome.

People are now licking their wounds because instead of just taking their insults and rude comments, I am shoving back a little. It's very convenient (and very much like a cowardly, school yard bully) to treat me horribly, then whine when I get upset and defend myself. Yes, I am going to post stuff on this internet site, stuff I want to get off my chest. I changed my screen name so people would stop monitoring my posts. So, if you don't want to see what I have to say, STOP monitoring my posts. You have to take affirmative actions to see what I have to say on this site, if what I have to say upsets you, don't bother taking those steps.

Maybe the family could start by 1) showing their son a little loyalty and support for a change and 2) sitting back down again (without bringing their kids so they can hide behind them) and resolving any issues still outstanding, instead of trying to shift the blame for their actions to everyone else, including the ex-girfriends. How does joining in with those two in bashing my husband make him a better father? It doesn't. But if they have suggestions, we are certainly willing to talk about them.

One thing that I am not willing to talk about- the manner in which I provide for my children. I am the breadwinner in my family and proud of it! My children's daycare situation is nobody else's business. My children are very loved and you can tell they know they are loved because they are very loving and happy children. My own mother worked and I am so glad she did because I have certain advantages in life, thanks to her. I am proud of her and I feel like no one could have done a better job raising me. So my SIL can stop keeping track of how many times I ask my MIL to watch my child.
sasybass50_yahoo_com
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
My problem is not about marriage! Mine is about my eldest, who loves to degrade me, talk about me to her friends, get them to believe she knows me SO WELL, that whatever she says about me is absolutely the truth! She will tell me, she is JUST TRYING TO HELP ME,that I have problems, that no one knows about but her, then she blasted me on an internet page, (not in private) but so E1 could read it, about something I did 2 mos ago and saying the current incident is THE SAME thing but that she stood up for me anyway, when another family member I now live with said I lied,(which I didn't). Anyway,twice, she had asked me to live with her, to help me financially, after becoming disabled and was struggling but both times, it was a disaster, and of course,(I got the blame) even though I stay to myself, respect others in the home,tried not to get work dumped on me. But both times I got accused of not doing ANY of that! And of course,also, SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT! If I would have my own opinion on ANYTHING...she would correct me, telling me and others how WRONG I am! We have mutual friends and I think she is also jealous of that! One of my other daughters has told her to stay away from her and her family, that she was no longer welcome in their home because she related her husband to someone else, that he is totally not like at all. A mutual friend on an internet site, doesn't talk to her anymore, and I recently asked her why that was, and she said she HONESTLY didn't know, she just quit talking to her? I just read the post on: "TOXIC Relationships"! And believe me, most of it has been going on for about 3 plus yrs. between us. I have stopped talking to her in the past, due to this behavior toward me but if she approached me and apologized,(which isn't often but she will do it, if there's a benefit in it somewhere)...or so it seems?...I have given her the benefit of the doubt and we have started hanging out again! It's funny how the very things she accuses me of, she does herself but somehow, the WAY she does it, is still better than me! I just moved out the last time at the end of Feb 11 and moved in with another fam. member because I had no where to go. She didn't ask me to move out but it wasn't pleasant, so decided it was best for me! (all involved)!I think she's jealous as I said about a mutual friend because I had asked her to go places with me without my daughter and so? Her and I get along! my daughter has told me to SHUT UP in public and embarrased me, and our friend said "respect her, that's your Mom". And she'd say, "I'm just playing"! For some reason she had gotten into this bad habit of saying this and even has said it to her husband making him mad too! However, she has gotten over that mostly! Her and her husband had their own problems and needed help, that's ok but now that they are, she advises others, as though she's all fixed and can/should tell others their problems and "learn from this" is what she likes to say now! I have made my mistakes ,I'm human but when I did said I wouldn't do it again and didn't but this last thing she decided to advise me on was similiar but not exactly the same thing happened but she isn't SAYING it but doesn't believe me about it! And when I told her she was wrong about it and me, she just kept going on and on about it and I asked her to quit, that I can kick my own butt all by myself. That I already felt bad about the situation and her rubbing it in wasn't helping!BUT she just kept on, so I said what I had to say and decided it was best to not talk to her and had to delete her off my internet page so I don't get her messages! It's too tempting for me to reply and I just don't need her "helpful" advise or hurtful words! I have felt like crap over all this happening! This is my eldest daughter! I've asked her to respect me, even if she didn't like things I DO! I don't go out of my way to say hurtful things to her! But even in common talk, she will begin YELLING..just to say something like she's anticipating a neg. reply before I speak, so I am already on the defense myself and YELL back! It is utterly ridiculous! ANd I have never liked it! But I can't get her to see her part in it! Even her best friend said,I dont argue with her, cause she has always GOT TO BE RIGHT! And her room mate that lives with them asked me a couple of times,"Why do you argue with her, just ignore her, smile and say BLESS YOUR HEART"!(but she either tells her off or kisses her rear end) and my daug. makes extra money off her for staying there? Well back then, I didn't realize the arguing is what she wanted to prove her point as to why she is always right! But if you tell her that, she will say "No she doesn't need to be"! SO, once again, I am having to just stay away from her,& not talk to her! It feels awful! But if I say look Im done, I can't take this anymore, you won't quit, she will say, "why do you treat me so mean"? "I do everything for everyone and this is how I get treated by everybody"! Gee, I don't know..hmmm!So here I am, on the net, looking up this problem to see, if I am wrong! But from what I've read, it is on her! Her own LOW SELF-ESTEEM, and she needs to do this! OMG, this is heart-breaking to me! She had me convinced for so long, that I was just a terrible Mother and making all these mistakes. Not when she was young, she had the utmost RESPECT for me! But as an adult, she has turned against me! And I honetly don't know why! She once said, she just didnt trust ANYONE anymore after her 2nd husband molested her kids!(13 yrs.ago and lots of counciling). That is where she lost trust! I can understand that but why me? I didn't do those things! Sorry this is so long but it DOES help to get it out! Without burdening my friends and family of hearing it ALL AGAIN! AND she doesn't WANT anyone TO THINK ANY OF IT IS HER FAULT! Never, ever,NEVER!!!! SO, I guess I do just have to stay completely away!?? That is so sad!She can seem so very caring and giving but I tell you, it will benefit her in the end! I did the best I could with what I knew raising my children, I have 4. 3 girls and one son! And the others don't treat me like this! And I'm not sure she treats them anywhere near how she does me! I don't hear all their conversations! Other than the other oldest(my 2nd) telling her to stay away since Thanksgivng I think? Or just around Christmas! By the way, she is 42, not a child! Anyway, thank you for letting me vent! Don't know if anyone has any comments or has had this kind of problem but it would be nice to hear whatever will help!? Thanks... CS

what to do with troublesome family members (sorry, very long)

Comments (7)

mom_2_4

Pashan

Related Discussions

lea808
Original Author

lazy_gardens

Pashan

lea808
Original Author

sasybass50_yahoo_com

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

what to do with troublesome family members (sorry, very long)

Comments (7)

mom_2_4

Pashan

Related Discussions

lea808Original Author

lazy_gardens

Pashan

lea808Original Author

sasybass50_yahoo_com

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

lea808
Original Author

lea808
Original Author