I don't have any answers. I'm an agnostic. But I think faith takes many forms.

I only hope that with time the pain you feel now will be replaced with happy memories. When you see his children and his grandchildren he will be there for you in your heart.

I don't think anyone knows why. But I do know that time does heal if we let it.

If there is a God I see him only as a creator. Faith is what makes a difference. When a person has faith it helps them go on, grow and heal themselves. That faith can be in many things. Knowing there was a purpose for a person's life for one. Having faith that when one door is shut another one opens. I hope you find the peace you are seeking.

I think someone mentioned a Grieving Forum on Garden Web somewhere might be worth a look

I personally think Satan has power, and uses it in the form of illness, pain, sorrow, and discouragement. Prayer can create miracles and change things. God did not promise that a prayer would make all the evil go away. But, God did promise a better life after leaving this earth. The book of Job, in the Bible, is a story about a man who lost everything and lived with faith to survive.

At this point, after the pain and sorrow has taken it's toll, Satan will not be focused on healing. God, however, is a rock and a resource for that next step. Bless you all.

Trishany, so sorry for the pain you are enduring. Please know that you are in the prayers and thoughts of many.

Here is a link that might be useful: Garden Web Grief Forum

Trish your pain and need to understand why this happened jumps right off the screen.
You need time to start healing the deep wounds you feel as a result of your brother Billys tragic death.

Have you read the book "Why Bad Things Happen To Good People" the authors name escapes me, but perhaps this would be good book for you to read if you haven't already.

I lost my cousin Ned to cancer just last Friday. We were very close as kids, born just 5 months apart. He was a wonderful person, musician and artist, very smart, a college professor. I know your pain, Trishany. Why did God let him languish and die? There will never be another Ned on this earth. My heart is broken.

I had received this once from Minute Meditations...

The Joy of Suffering

It is difficult to find a saint or a mystic whose life has not been touched significantly by disability or illness.

� from Good Words

What does that mean to you? Why are there chronically sick/ill people? How do they deal with it for years? How does his pain compare to a mother's pain of losing a small child? Are you upset thinking about the kids at St. Judes with cancer?

Life is not fair. It sounds like Billy probably had a very happy and fulfilling life. Thinking about that rather than the pain he had to endure near the end may be easier. Everyone knows someone who was taken too early, and people that unjustly have had to experience pain.

I feel for you but not sure why you are having such big problems with his 'pain'. I really don't care if he cured cancer, sat on his behind all day watching tv, or was an average joe. It sounds like you think he did more in his life so shouldn't have died early or suffered --It's like you're so impressed by what he has done (you continue to list his accomplishements like they mean something), and it appears to me that you think he should he should have gotten a pass because of them. Why? He's not better than anyone else.

Sorry if I'm not understanding you postings right. I know you just want some compassion and I'm probably being too blunt.. but maybe it will help you some.

You lost a friend, focus on grieving his lost. I never read it, but possibly the book that was mentioned "When good things happen to bad people" may help you put things in perspective so you can focus on his life and loosing him, rather than his pain and the unfairness of it.

I'm sorry you are hurting Trish. Take your time to grieve and in your own way.

I am not religious, but consider myself spiritual. I have read many, many books on life after death and lately ones about our life plans and why we are here. It was hard at first to wrap my mind around the concept that we choose our illnesses, our lessons.. all the big stuff in our life before we come here. We go through painful things for soul growth and to help others with their soul growth.

Billy is alive and well... just in a different place and you WILL see him again. I hope for now that you are lucky enough to feel his presence in your day-to-day life and that you can get some signs that he is around.

It might be comforting for you to read "Talking To Heaven" by James VanPraugh or "Hello From Heaven" by the Guggenheim's.

(((((((((Trish)))))))))))))

I know how you feel. I've gone through the same thing. I lost my mom to lung cancer when she was only 47. That was only a few years ago, and I'm still angry that she's never going to get to see me get married, or meet my kids.

I would love to believe, as I deeply envy those who have unshakable faith. What a comfort it must be. But my rational and logical mind have a hard time accepting it.

I do agree with Lydia though. I believe we choose our life lessons before we get here in order to grow. And while sometimes it becomes unbearably painful, you'll come out of it a better person even though that may be hard to believe.

I saw changes in how a terminal diagnosis affected my mom, and, amazingly, they were for the better. I remember she told me once that she was amazed at how many people were smiling at her now, and at first she thought it was because of her bald head, but then she realized it was because she was smiling at THEM first. She lived each day to the fullest, and she also adopted religion for the first time in her life. I saw the amazing comfort that was for her. And for me, dealing with my mother's death, I realized how strong and independent I really can be. It also brought our entire family much closer together. So while I miss her terribly, I can still reflect upon the positives. And I know she would want me to stop mourning for her and to get on with my life.

Another thing that helped me a lot was to look for little signs. I collect perfume, and my mom only wore one perfume in her life. A few weeks after she died, I noticed that one of my bottles of perfume was on the floor. I didn't think anything of it, and I picked it back up and put it back on the dresser. The next day, it was on the floor in the same place. Thinking that was strange, I then moved the bottle a good 6 inches from the edge, and I also added a tiny little bottle of her perfume next to mine. The next day, they were both on the floor in the exact same place. Maybe it was coincidence, maybe it was one of my cats, I don't know. But it made me smile and brought me a lot of comfort knowing that perhaps she was there and telling me she was ok.

I hope you can find some comfort soon.

Sorry that you are having such a hard time.

I thought Billy was your brother but I see in todays post he was your cousin. The relationship doesn't matter, but you really should give the grief forum a try.

I am a strong believer in God and adopted the believe that all who suffer have it erased from their memories when they pass to God. Perhaps it's time for you to begin to let the suffering recede in your memory as well. Thinking of young children who suffer terrible deaths, this is the only thing that makes sense to me. Are you worried about where Billy is now? Life is most definitely not fair and none of us knows when or how we will die. If I didn't have a strong belief I'd be quite pissed because none of it would make sense. Is there a clergy person you respect to whom you can talk? I feel grief support groups are very helpful and hear that often people aren't ready to join them until several months after the death. I'll keep you in my prayers that you may find the peace and faith you are looking for.

I agree with Lydia, too. I've been through some tragic times, and, briefly, here are a couple of things I learned.

It is worse than useless to say "Why me?" or "Why him?" or "Why her?" When you look at what happens to others, the universe might well answer, "Why not?" For instance, think of all the recent suffering in Japan. Surely many of those who died, or lost their family members, were good people who never hurt a soul. The same can be said for every child suffering from a painful or terminal illness. Yes, Billy suffered, and you're suffering, too. But suffering is universal, and a part of life, in one way or another, for many if not most of us.

Didn't you say you were a police officer at one time? You must have seen terrible, inexplicable things. I understand the temptation to say, "If there was a God, He wouldn't let these things happen." (My dad lost his faith after my mom died young.) But the concept of a world without hardship, populated only by happy, healthy people, is so far from reality that it's impossible to grasp. At least it is for me.

In her book, Across the Line, Anice Terhune tells how her husband, the famed writer Albert Payson Terhune (Lad, a Dog, etc.), came to her after his death and told her they had lived many lives together. He said we have to keep coming back in different bodies until we have experienced every kind of suffering. When you think about it, suffering takes many forms.

I hope you will come to accept that, hard as it was, Billy's death happened the way it was supposed to. So did his wonderful life.

I will continue thinking of you and your sadness. I also would like to say that I believe as Lydia does, that we choose the "life lessons" we need to learn...and grief or pain is one. My grandmother who died 30 years ago...in great pain and unable to hear any words of comfort, assured me that it was "just what I have to do" to leave this life. So take what comfort you can in knowing that your "Billy" accomplished HIS "life lesson" with the most grace he could.

Nanny

Trisha, I can feel how much you are hurting and the pain in your words bring tears to my eyes. DH & I have had such horrible losses in our families, it is so hard. There are a few books that helped me, in addition to a very strong faith that is so hard to cling to at such a time.

When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Harold Kushner.
Where is God When it Hurts? Yancy (don't remember his first name) and How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies by Therese Rando. A friend of a friend has these right now or I would loan them to you.....if you have a kindle you can download them. They really helped me me after my mom died, I still struggle with that but the books helped.

Deep breath...
I have been rocked a lot lately myself.
First with my Mom's ongoing struggles with cancer.
Then we lost the most beloved dog we ever owned from cancer of the spleen. In a week's time, he was gone.
I have cussed and shaken my fist at the heavens for this - why why. Almost a "you've just got to be kidding me" kind of deal.
It's hard not to be bitter, but I know from experience that bitterness goes away and love remains.
When you get knocked down, you need faith to bring yourself back up.
Your anger over losing Billy will fade with time. Let the love for him walk with you and as someone said look for signs. Hopefully, he will visit you in your dreams. I have had 2 such visits and they put your mind at ease.
There are many things worse than death and you are going through one of them.
Billy is just fine now. Feel his love for you.
Hugs, Kathy

yes I've been through that...my mother died when I was 7, my sister died a few years ago, my dad not long after that, and my brother died last year.

We had two tragic traffic accidents recently in our area. One was a pregnant mother of nine kids, a teacher in a catholic school and pillar of the community killed by a speeding drunk driver. The other was also a pillar of the community,mother of three and had just received a prestigious national award, was a head of a corporation and she was also killed by a drunk driver. It makes NO sense. Both drivers were total POS and yet were unharmed. Both women were Catholic and very religious. So your life is one second away from changing forever.

Lily - that first one was in my hometown.
Mom said when she was first told of the cancer, she said "Why me" and then asked herself "Why not me?"
I am dreading things to come when I read of stories like Billy's. It is not fair that people suffer.
Trish, I just remembered that mom had surgery many years ago and was moaning in pain. I was rattled and cried and cried.
Later, I asked her about it and she didn't remember moaning with pain. She said she had an easy time of it. Maybe that was how it was with Billy too.
Know that a lot of people are holding you close right now. When you can't be strong, we will be there for you.
Hugs, Kathy