This past Thursday, I had to say goodbye to my precious Missy. She had been in my life for 12 1/2 years and I miss her so much...

I had wanted a black cocker spainel since I was a little girl. When I heard that my daughters classmate's family had a litter, I called and went to get first choice of the puppies. When the pups were old enough to leave the Mom, I went to pick up my choice, but Missy changed my mind-- she picked me-- and since she was still available, I took her instead. She stole my heart-- a beautiful little ball of silky black fur and the sweetest puppy breath... She was always pretty calm and laid back (except for the couple times that she found rattlesnakes in our backyard and barked ferociously- keeping the snakes cornered- until we were able to kill them). She had the funniest way of running-- kind of bobbleing along-- like a fat old black bear. She loved to be petted more than ANYTHING in the world and was just in heaven when you took the time to just sit by her and stroke her back or rub her ears. She truly adored us all, and in her eyes, we could do no wrong. Her love was perfect...

She has been slowly declining for the past couple years, and I've watched her carefully-- dreading the day that I would have to make difficult decision, and hoping and praying that God would see fit to just take her in her sleep. Unfortunately, as is most often the case, that didn't happen...

Missy had slowly lost her hearing and sight-- bit by bit. During the last couple weeks, her blindness and deafness had become complete. The last few days of her life, I would watch her slowly making her way around with her little nose to the ground-- trying to sniff her way to wherever she wanted to go. She seemed to be doing pretty well and she was still pretty strong for her age. But then, she got worse, and seemed to be just in a fog-- lonely and afraid. My heart broke seeing her like that, and I knew that I couldn't put off the inevitible any longer. I prayed and asked for a sign that I was making the right decision, and I believe God gave me not only 1, but 3 signs.

So, I composed myself, called the vet to make the appointment, and drove my sweet baby into town. All the way there, I petted her and told her how much I loved her and how much joy she had given me in her lifetime.

It's bee a couple days now since I placed her lifeless body in the grave that I dug for her by her old friend, Benji. I've cried a lot-- mostly at night. I miss her more than I can express and wish SO much that I could just hold her and stroke her curly soft fur just once more. It's during those dark and quiet hours late at night, that doubt creeps in and torments me-- maybe I made a mistake-- maybe she would have been okay if I had given her more time... I just was so worried that she would suffer and I felt that I owed it to her to help her. If I could have had my way, I would NEVER have chosen to put her down. I just hope and pray that my baby girl knows that I only did it because I loved her that much.

This is one of the hardest times in my life and every time I think of Missy, tears well up again. I know that with time I'll be able to remember her and just think of the happiness we shared, but that day seems so far away right now.

I read somewhere that "the pain is so intense because the joy was so immense". And that is so true. I'm so thankful that I have two other furbabies to help me through this, and pray that, hopefully, they will be with me for many, many years. Pets bring so much happiness into this world, and even though when you lose them, the pain just about kills you, I know I will always have pet in my life.

I'm not sure why I decided to share this today. I guess maybe I'm hoping that I can become convinced again that I did the right thing for Missy. I just need to believe that she understands that I only did what I did becuase I loved her and wanted to help her. I *do* believe that the moment after she took that last long breath and her spirit left her old, worn out body, she awoke in place where she is young again-- strong and healthy and happy--- with all her sight and hearing, no more pain, no more fear or confusion. I can see her running through the green grass, cooling off under a big shady tree, or snuffling through the monkey grass with Benji-- tracking down crickets. I will be so happy to get to be with her again one day-- to hug her, rub her belly, and feel that joy again. The thought of that day brings a smile through the tears...

I'm sorry I've been so long-winded, but I wanted to, in some way, make a tribute to my Missy Girl-- to put down in words how much I loved her. She was a truly special friend!